Picture Stories

My favorite picture taken of us, EVER. Last night at Kristy's birthday party.

From left to right in the front: Phil, Bryan, and Dave, Bryan's best friend.
Friends of Kristy's and her sister is in the red. I am in the middle. Duh.
Bryan and Dave.


Last night was a crazy ass night. I won't get into it on here. But tomorrow is going to be a great day! Me and Bryan are flying to Florida and we should be there by 9:30 in the morning. We'll be back on Wednesday night. I am so excited! This is going to be fun. He's never flown before and he's never been to Florida either. I...cannot...wait.

P.S. I feel it necessary to add that I was absolutely SOBER last night and I AM SO GLAD I WAS. SO VERY GLAD.

This Sums Up My Life

Here is a song by Eminem that accurately describes my feelings about Bryan and the nature of our relationship. I don't write about some things that happen. So here you go...here are the lyrics.

I tell myself that I was doin' all right
There's nothin' left to do tonight
But go crazy on you
Crazy on you
Let me go crazy, crazy on you

Can't you see what you do to me baby,
You make me crazy, you make me act like a maniac
I'm like a lunatic, you make me sick
You're truly the only one who can do this to me
You just make me get so crazy
I go schizo, I get so insane I just go schizophrenic
One minute I wanna slit your throat the next I want sex
You make me crazy
The way we act like two maniacs in the sack
We fuck like two jack rabbits and maybe that's a bad habit
Cause the next day we're right back at it
In the same exact pattern
What the fuck is the matter with us
We can't figure out if it's lust
Or if it's love which that is attractin us to eachother
They say that every man grows up to marry his own mother
Which would explain why you're such a motherfuckin bitch
But I stay and still stick it out with you
Even though I just hit you today but you deserved it
You hit me first and provoked me to choke you
Just cause I came home late last night
Crawled in bed and I woke you
But if there's one thing about you that I admire
It's baby, because you stay with me
Maybe cause you're as crazy as I am
Cause when I look at you
I can see an angel in your eyes but if I look deeper inside
I see a freakish little side, like a devil in disguise
You're always full of surprises
Always pullin devices out your personal vibrators and dildos
You've fucked yourself so much you barely feel those anymore
You're only 24 but you're plenty more mature
Then those other little ho's who just act like little girls
Like they're in middle school still you're crazy, sexy, cool
Chillin' you play your position you never step out of line
Even though I stay in your buisness
You've always kept out of mine
I wonder what's on your mind
Sometimes they say love is blind
Maybe that's why the first time I dotted your eye
You ain't see the sign
Or maybe you like bein beat, maybe you like bein shoved
baby cause we're crazy in love....

I go crazy on you
Crazy on you
Let me go crazy, crazy on you

You are the ink to my paper
What my pen is to my my pad
The moral, the very fiber
The whole substance to my rap
You are my reason for being
The meaning of my existence
If it wasn't for you I would never be able to spit this
As intense as I do, and the irony
Is you rely on me as much
As I rely on you to inspire me like you do
You provide me the lighter fluid to fuel in my fire
You're my entire supply of gas, the match and igniter
The only way that I'm able to stay so stable
Is you're the legs to my table,
If you were to break I'd fall on my face
But I'm always gonna make you feel
I don't need you as much as I really need you
So you don't use it to your advantage
But you're essential to me
You're the air I breathe
I believe if you ever leave me
I'd probably have no reason to be
You are the Kim to my Marshall
You're the Slim to my Shady
The Dre to my Eminem
The Alaina to my Hailie
You are the word that I'm lookin for
When I'm tryin to describe how I feel inside
And the right one just won't come to my mind
You're like the pillow that props me up
The beam that supports me
The bitch who never took half
The wife who never divorced me
You're like the root to my evil
You let my devil come out me
You let me beat the shit out you before you beat the shit out me
And no matter how much too much is never enough
Baby cause we're crazy in love...

I go crazy on you
Crazy on you
Let me go crazy, crazy on you

To Be A Bit More Clear

I laughed when I read the entry I posted last night. It was quite witty, or so I thought. LOL. All of it true, of course.

I don't know if the emotional distance I feel from Bryan right now is a result of too much togetherness at the beginning or what. I have to wonder. We are still close, but we don't spend as much time together. This is not due to what I want; this is due to what HE wants. All of a sudden, it seems, he does not want me to take him to work or pick him up anymore. He spends maybe two to three nights a week with me instead of most of the time, like he did before. The other night, he went out with his best friend and his brother's girlfriend without even telling me, let alone inviting me. He actually shut his phone OFF so I could not reach him, which caused quite a big fight a few hours later when he decided to check his messages while DRUNK, because I cussed his ass out pretty good...I think I called him a "stupid motherfucker." He immediately called me with some story about how his phone battery died, which I don't buy for one second, even though his sister came out and yelled at him to be quiet and threatened to take her charger away from him. Anyway, I ended up picking him up and taking him to my house, where we talked for a little bit until he sobered up and then I took him home, another unusual occurence.

Little things are what I'm noticing, and they hurt. Like, he won't add me to his MySpace. I know why...his friends list is FULL of young girls his age. I don't think he wants them to know that he has me or something, I don't know. Also, he doesn't want to spend as much time alone with me as he used to. He is still as affectionate and everything, but sometimes, when we argue, he has a hard time looking at me. The other day we got into such a big fight because I told him I was "done." This is the term I use when I am trying like hell to end it. Well, he told me that I have said it one too many times, and now he is making the decision for me. Since it frustrates me to have feelings for him, then maybe we had better be "just friends." I panicked and tried to explain that that's not what I meant, but he did not want to hear any of it. The very next day, he invites himself to spend the night at my house. I didn't mind, and nothing happened except cuddling which was all I wanted anyway, but what the fuck?

Kristy says I should just go with his flow. He's a guy and scared of his feelings, especially being as young as he is and the fact that he's never been in a relationship before. She said just go with his flow; follow his lead. This is what I have been doing for the last three or four days. Granted, it is less stressful. The night that he spent the night with me was rough; I could not sleep. When we got up in the morning, he said I was thrashing, not just restless. I felt very anxious for no reason and felt like there was concrete sitting in my stomach. Hence all the pot smoking. It's the only thing that helps.

Tonight the plan was for us to spend the night alone, but Kristy's birthday is tomorrow and her and Mike want Bryan and I to come over and ring it in together. I can't say no because Kristy has been an AWESOME friend to me, and Bryan really wants to go. He claims he will spend the entire day with me tomorrow. We shall see. So off I go to get ready, as it is now 5:30 PM and I have done absolutely nothing all day. He just called me and basically demanded that I bring a variety pack of Kool Aid up to his work for reasons he can't explain other than saying, "I just really want some Kool Aid." So I'm off.

***In my quest to remain sober, I am thinking that tonight is going to be a challenge. Let's see how well I do. No promises.***

Upheaval

I haven't written much in a couple of days because I simply have not had the stamina to document eveything here.

First, I must say I feel pleasantly enhanced by this natural herb that I have just inhaled.

(Heehee.)

Everything is literally in upheaval. Right now the pieces of my life are scattered everywhere. I don't know what the hell is going on with me half the time or where my mind is. I am getting so sick and tired of the same old shit. I have had anxiety so bad for the last three days that I have actually resorted to smoking marijuana recently. (Insert horrified gasp.) I just don't know what to do.

I write about Bryan so much in this journal that when I reread it I decide that I am not being fair in my portrayal of him. I'm going to take tonight and actually list the things about him that annoy me. Perhaps it will be some form of catharsis for me, because Lord knows I need one. Here we go:

THINGS THAT ANNOY ME:
He says "fiddina". As in "we're 'fiddina' go to the store right now." Ugh.

He collects all my loose hair in the shower, and then puts it in little attractive bunches all over the shower walls. How nice.

When he wants something really bad, he says, "Please, Mom?" (What kind of sick relationship would that be?)

When we play cards, and I do something stupid, he he sighs really loudly and shakes his head. I hate this. I hate this more than almost anything.

He memorizes certain little catch phrases from rap songs and goes around repeating it all day, about every eighty-four seconds. Imagine hearing, "The boys in the hood are ALWAYS hard," 12,000 times a day.

When we bicker---not when we FIGHT but when we do the Sondra/Bryan style of debate---he will grab the nearest object and abruptly throw it on the floor and then stare me down...like a toddler throwing a tantrum. Oh believe me, you've never seen anything like it.

He will listen to the same song more than three times a day, usually in a matter of just a couple of hours. Imagine hearing Usher's "Yeah" eight times in three hour time span. Yes, people, welcome to my life.

He says "muyafuckee." Or "mayfuckeh." As in "motherfucker." Sigh.

THINGS THAT JUST DOWNRIGHT PISS ME OFF
His lack of tact, no matter how much I try to teach him. For example, yesterday he was complaining about how much he was eating and I told him to stop it. I patted his belly and said, "You don't want THIS to turn into THIS," while patting mine. He took another bite of his burger and said, "Oh hell no, I don't ever wanna be fat."

He changes plans whenever he wants to and however he sees fit. And then when I ask him to make plans with me, he says no, because "plans never work out."

He won't kiss me after receiving "special attention." If you don't know what that means, then I can't help you.

He can go to sleep with me right next to him without inititating nookie :) or even a KISS.


That is a very short list, and doesn't even cover everything. But everyone knows how that goes...the longer you've been with someone, the better you know them AND their shortcomings. Obviously, Bryan and I are going through a rough patch right now---a very rough patch---and I don't know what will happen. I can only hope for the best, whatever that may bring. He is in such a state of arrested development that I do not know if I have the patience to wait for him to mature. He is so relationship retarded, so clueless about what a relationship is, that I wonder if I can sit here and teach him all of this. One thing I do know is that right now, I really don't want to lose him. He has come so far and worked so hard since we've been together...he has made giant leaps forward. Believe it or not, he is good for me in many ways. He does whatever he can for me, and has never let me down, even when we've been very angry with each other. I see the hurt in his face when I do or say something that stings a little. I can hurt him too, and have, in many ways. This whole summer I have had a problem staying sober, and its gotten worse in the last two weeks because of the situation between Bryan and I. I have been sober for five straight days now and my head is once again clearing. I don't know how long it will last, though. Truth be told, I am scared to death of this little motherfucker hurting me, so it makes it easier for me to avoid everything. He even asked me the other day why I was doing this to myself, and I said, "Sometimes false happiness is better than reality."

I can only hope everything will work out. I don't need all this turmoil. I wish I had something different to write about. LOL

The Disappearing Act

The last few days have been pretty fun. I had Alexa and her friend Mollie at my house and even though they once again ate all my food and drank all my soda and stayed up all night giggling, we had fun.

This morning when I woke up I called Bryan to see if he had plans for tonight. He had said he might play poker with his best friend, which he usually does two or three times a week. I replied, "Well, do you got any money for me?" to which he got pissed off and hung up on me. I didn't get mad, but I sat there and thought about that for a minute. I do everything for this boy..loan him money when he needs it, I do his damn laundry, buy him clothes, make sure he gets fed, pay for his haircuts, help his family with their needs, and drive him everywhere he needs to go. Basically, my life has been revolving around Bryan's wants and needs and today I decided I had had enough. So, I got up, took a shower, packed a bag, and called my sister in Illinois and informed her that I was coming to visit. Then I brought the girls back home. I am printing out directions right now. I am not going to tell Bryan where I am or what I'm doing. That drives him nuts anyways, and if he can't get a hold of me for three whole days, he might just get a taste of what life without me would be like. Maybe he'll think about that the next time he decides to hang up on me. When he called me back a little later, I said to him very calmly, "Please don't hang up on me again. That is very rude and you know I don't like it. Not to mention that I didn't deserve it, and I don't treat you like that. So please don't do it again." He put on his innocent happy voice and said that he hung up like that because his boss was coming. I know better, but I am not going to push it. He will learn this weekend when I am not at his beck and call that he cannot take me for granted. I have allowed that to happen and now I have to fix it. No biggie. This ought to be an easy lesson to teach, since he is still basically an ADOLESCENT.

Other than that, I am in a pretty good mood. I havem y good days and my bad days. There are days, especially when Bryan is not around me, when reality seeps in a bit and I start panicking about what I'm doing. I think about Shawn a lot sometimes and it can be a challenge, not coming out here to spend time with him when I want to, but I don't because it could be misleading. Some days, like I said, are better than others.

So there is my update. To my cousin Andyro who donated TEN INCHES of her long and beautiful hair to children who need wigs due to hair loss from cancer...you are an ANGEL. I think that was a wonderful thing to do. God will bless you MANY TIMES OVER for such an unselfish act. I love you!!!

Eye Candy

Here are some pictures I took last night while hanging out with Mike and Kristy. This right here is Bryan's drunk face. He looks like he's mean, but really he's not. I think he's cute.
Me and my brother Mike. I love this dude. We're both Tauruses..I am May 18 and he is May 20.
Me and Kristy. She doesn't really drink, but Bryan made her hold his beer so she would fit in. LOL
Here are Mike and Bryan, posing. Remember, folks, Bryan is still a baby and this IS Flint town.

Update

I haven't had much time to update because I haven't really been out here lately. Everything is going well. I am still looking for part time work and conserving what little money I do have, and spending time with real friends and trying to enjoy myself. I kept Alexa and her friend over at the apartment for a few days...that was fun. They went swimming, we went bowling, we pigged out on junk food and watched movies. They pigged out so much I had no food left! That's okay, though.

I had kind of a bad few days due to extreme pre menstrual syndrome. I am not kidding. I get PMS really bad, especially the hormonal part. (Talk about hormonal ragfaces. That title belongs to me.) I really flipped out the other day because I was low on cash and needed cigarettes, so I called my friend Kristy and asked her if she would let me borrow $5 for a pack. She said sure..she just needed a ride to the store because she was low on gas and needed to cash a check. So I headed out to her house, only to have Bryan call me ten minutes later and tell me he was on his way to her house, too, because her and Mike owed him some money. Well, for some irrational reason this REALLY pissed me off. I started screaming at him to stay out of my business. He kept trying to explain that he wanted me to pick him up at his house and take him over to their house with me, but I wouldn't let him get a word in edgewise. I was absolutely furious for NO discernible reason. I told him to fuck off and die a few times and turned my car around and went back to my apartment. We sat on the phone arguing, both of us calling Kristy at different times to say fuck it, we weren't coming. She was just bewildered and confused, poor girl. Then when I finally did pick him up, we went back to my apartment and fought some more because as soon as I picked him up and started driving toward Grand Blanc, he said, "I'm going to spend the night at home tonight. I just thought I would tell you now." I said, "Well, that's real nice," and got furious all over again. The fight spilled out into the parking lot, where I told him I fucking "hated" his guts. I said some other things I won't mention, too, that I feel really bad about. He ended up calling Kristy and Mike and asking them to come and get him, which they did. He had to wait for them to arrive, and while he did, we fought some more. He ended up ripping a brand new shirt I just bought him that he had never worn before that day. Just ripped it right off of himself because I told him to take it off, and when he refused, I threatened to rip it off of him. (Like I really would.) After I said that, he looked me right in the eye and ripped it off himself. I couldn't believe my eyes.

After Kristy picked him up, I told him to never call me again...and ten minutes later I was calling him and apologizing for some of the mean things I said. We talked a little bit and then I drove back out to Flint to pick him up. We went to his house, where we sat in the driveway and started fighting again. I ended up peeling out of his driveway like an asshole and coming out to Fenton, where he called me and we argued some more. We argued ourselves out and hung up. Ten minutes later, he called me back and asked me to meet him at a gas station close to his house so he could give me some money. He said, "I know you're stressed out because you don't have any money. My mom just gave me some money to give to you, and I want you to have it." I couldn't turn that down, so I met him at the gas station, got my money, made up, and then went back home alone and tried to chill out. It's been a long time since I felt that nuts. I just wanted to GO THE FUCK OFF....for NO reason.

Yesterday was nice. He worked the day shift, and afterwards we went out to dinner with his mom. When she walked out to the car, she leaned in my side and said, "If you guys are gonna start fighting again, I wanna let you know right now I'll walk home." She was dead serious. I assured her that was not going to happen and we had a pleasant dinner. Then we came out here to Fenton and hung out with Alexa for a while. She was loving me because I brought her some McDonald's. I burned a few CD's (like I'm doing now) and then we went to Mike and Kristy's. We bought some beer, and I drank a few, but I just wasn't in the mood to drink so I ended up staying stone cold sober. (I'm not complaining. I still had a good time.) Bryan very rarely gets drunk, but last night he had a nice little beer buzz...nothing major. We played spades in teams and gambled for money for a few hours, and then went home. I was so tired I was sure I would pass right out, but Bryan and I stayed up until past eight in the morning talking and cuddling. I love that....it seems like even though we act like lunatics sometimes, we still just get closer and closer and stronger and stronger. Matter of fact, last night, when we were leaving Mike and Kristy's, Mike's cousin Phil kept trying to get us to stay and play "one more game". Bryan was like, "No, I promised her we would go home a long time ago, and she's been waiting, so we're just going to go home." Phil kept trying for a few minutes, and then he laughed, put his cards down, looked at Mike, and in all seriousness said, "Damn, Mike, Bryan in love, ain't he?" Mike started laughing, Kristy looked at me with a knowing smile and a look, and Bryan and I pretended we didn't hear, even when Phil said, "Damn, Bryan, you in love, ain't you? Ain't you?" That makes me feel so good.

On a humorous note, today, when we were leaving the apartment, some guy walked up to my car and said, "See? You really don't hate his fucking guts after all. I'm glad to see you guys back together," and walked away. Evidently, it was one of my neighbors who witnessed all the brouhaha outside the other day. Talk about EMBARASSED.