Progresses

Well, it's been a while since I've updated. I haven't really been too busy to write, but there's definitely been a lack of privacy. I like to be alone when I write with no distractions. Now is the perfect time.

Well, Bryan is back at home with me for good. So far, we've done well. We've done especially well with learning how to talk to one another. That's our biggest problem. We had one major argument and that was last week. A week ago, exactly. We have not argued since then.

Tonight he is going out with Dave, without me since one of the things I had to put my foot down about was alcohol consumption. I just don't like the shit, people. It has never brought anything good or positive in my life. The people I know don't just drink to have a good time. Most people I know drink to see how much they can drink, and inevitably there will be a fight. Tonight is going to be a test to my patience. I don't want Bryan coming home drunk, so Dave promised me he would monitor him and make sure he doesn't come home with an attitude. Just thinking about dealing with it makes my stomach hurt. If only he knew how much I dread the thought of him drinking. But what can I really do? He's 23 and at that age where he wants to go out and party with his friends, but I hate it. I hate it, I hate it , I hate it. So, like I said, tonight will be a very good test of my patience. When he's with Dave, I really don't worry about anything because I know I don't have to. So we'll see. In the meantime, I MUST find something to do so I don't sit here and get anxious about it.

Well, in my effort to improve my life, I have quit smoking cigarettes. I made that decision on Sunday. Monday I didn't smoke at all. Tuesday I woke up anxious, so I made Bryan go get me a pack with the understanding that HE would ration them out to me. (Don't you love this, people?) He did and the pack lasted until late last night. So now I am officially out and not craving one at all. I am just sick of the smell, of the taste of them, and how they make you stink. That is so unattractive. I am really the only one left out of our friends that smoke, except for Lynn. The weight loss I have encountered due to all this crazy stress is partly responsible for the decision I made to quit smoking. I lost 15 pounds without even trying and the only way I knew I was losing weight was because my pants were sliding off of me. So now, I'm going to go with the flow and continue to drink tea and water and watch what I eat. Easier said than done, these days. I dunno why, but I have been munching non stop for the last few days. (Probably the oral fixation and NO cigarette leads me to the refrigerator.) So far, so good.

Alexa has been busy, I haven't seen much of her. I'm kind of mad at her right now for reasons I will not disclose on this web site, other than to say I think she needs a reality check. My dad took her to her hairdresser last night and had her hair straightened..finally! I quit spending the money on it ($100 month) to do her hair because she would not take care of it. She is very, very lazy and I guess wrapping her hair at night and protecting it from the water was too much to ask of her, so she walked around here for months with a fro. I don't care. I warned her over and over again that if she didn't start taking care of her hair that I would quit paying for it to be fixed. This particular style should last about a week and a half, two weeks, but with Alexa it's usually just a couple of days. So we shall see. I am glad that he did it for her though. It was time. I am sure she feels much better about herself, and that's good. I finally got her to do some homework, although she readily admits to me that she doesn't do her homework because "it's boring" and consequently appears to be failing most of her classes. Don't throw me any suggestions people. I've tried them all, and none of them work. I have to let her fail if she wants to fail. I cannot do anything about it. Yes, I have tried EVERYTHING.

And lastly, I finally got an appointment to get set up for therapy. I NEED THIS. I haven't needed to go to therapy in years. I've been solid and strong and pretty much stress free for a few years now. But like indycitygirl said, I have to. I just have to, so I did. My appointment isn't for about a week, but it gives me something to look forward to. I am so fucking sick of waking up nervous and anxious for no reason! And when I wake up like that, I am also irritated and upset simply because I did wake up that way. This usually leads to tears of frustration and anger. Plus, it's miserable to have knots in your stomach all the time, and feel like you can't even leave your house because everyone will stare at you and laugh at you because you're so fat. Some days are better than others for me. But there are days when the simple thought of leaving the house and going out to a restaurant or bar is so terrifying that I can't even go through the act of pretending like I'm not scared out of my mind---I just skip it altogether. I can't take anyone touching me or looking at me, so I avoid a lot of social situations. This is simply just not me and I can't take it anymore. I don't know where this shit came from, but I'd like to have my life back. And that is what I'm working on right now....getting my life back. One of these days I'll write a description of how I see the world in my anxious, ready to puke state. You'll enjoy it, I'm sure.

All right, I'm off. I'm thinking about taking a walk this morning, since Bryan is still snoring in bed and I think a walk would do wonders for me on many levels. The only problem is, of course, exposing my self to the public.