A Brighter Bowailey

This is one of the faces I love most in the world. For five days now, this house has been absent of this face, and the humor and shenanigans that go with it. I have been a miserable, limp, anxienty ridden wreck. I miss Bryan so much that it feels like I'm dying. I feel half dead, like part of me is missing. Just the fact that I am so completely miserable proves how strong our bond is. I cry suddenly and sometimes for no reason. I can't sleep real well. I feel like if there is hell on earth, this is it. I would rather be beaten into unconsciousness than go through this. You get the idea.

Last night was Dave's birthday and he invited me to the bowling alley, where a small group of friends was gathering to celebrate. Since I had been invited before Bryan left, I was not planning to go because I was afraid of feeling awkward. I didn't know if I could handle being with him and pretending that I didn't want to hug him or kiss him or even touch him. When I told Bryan yesterday that I was considering not going just to avoid any unpleasantness, he said, "You better go. Dave's your friend, too." So not only did I go, but Bryan actually went to the laundromat with me and hung out with me until we went to the bowling alley. It was a little weird but I worked pretty hard at keeping my emotions in check. Once we were there, we became engaged in a conversation about our possible future. We talked and talked and talked. What's cool is that it's almost like everyone understood....they kept our distance from us while we were talking. (Neither one of us bowled.) We talked all the way back to my house, where I had to come back to to get money, and then we talked all the way to the restaurant where we met Dave and his wife for breakfast. We talked all the way to his mom's house and then we talked some more. The amazing thing is that he completely and honestly revealed himself to me for the first time. He said things to me that completely changed my understanding of him. It was incredibly painful but very necessary. When I came home last night, I couldn't sleep for the longest time because of all the things he said.

I feel so much closer to him. Actually, I feel closer to him than I ever have before. What he did last night was no doubt one of the hardest things he's ever had to do, but the fact that he did it shows me so much. I know that he misses me, and I know that he loves me, and I am pretty sure that this situation can be worked out. Today I am keeping my distance, just to give him some room, because he needs it. But I got my hugs and my kisses, which I so desperately needed. My heart is still aching for us, but now I feel like we can begin healing soon.

Last night while we were at the bowling alley, and talking among ourselves, out of the blue Bryan suddely put his hand on my leg and asked me, "Do you know how beautiful you are?" It was such a simple question, but it stunned me and I felt tears in my eyes. I never would have guessed he could be capable of saying something like that to me. He thinks those things, I know, but he doesn't verbalize them much. And when I hugged him good bye this morning, I told him, in his ear, how much I love him. I never thought I could ever love another person this much. And I really didn't have any idea of how much he loved me in return. Now, I know. And, hopefully, it's not too late, after all.