Update

I know that I haven't written in a while. I've been doing a lot of soul searching and some traveling as well. The conclusion that it has led me to is really simple.

I used to live my life the way I felt God would want me to. I mean, I'm no Bible thumping conservative or anything like that, and anyone who knows me knows that, but I did my best by people and expected the same treatment in return. (Of course, I didn't always get it.) I felt a sense of inner peace in everything I did. I really do believe that you reap what you sow. Which brings me to where I am today. Nothing I am doing right now is right. Granted, I am not on drugs anymore, but I am not doing anything with myself. I am like, scared, to venture back out into normalcy. Because I'm afraid I won't fit in. But I so badly want to. I want to work, cook dinner, do normal things. Right now I exist within a very small comfort zone. Whenever I travel outside of it, I tend to do everything in my power to get back to it. Instead of grasping the opportunity to take a challenge, I retreat, every time. I used to enjoy challenging myself; now it's a challenge to simply get to the front door.

Which brings me to the picture above. This is my nephew Ricky, his girlfriend Serra, and their baby Isabella. They came to visit for Thanksgiving and we ended up returning to Florida with them so we could continue our visit. While we were with them, and I was holding Bella and playing with her and making her laugh, it suddenly occured to me that these are the things that are most important. Family, togetherness, bonding, and a strong sense of self. I suddenly realized that my most important values that I have lived by for so long had disappeared....like honesty, trust, initiative, drive, success, and sense of accomplishment. I saw the road that I had taken that brought me here, and the good news is that I know exactly what I need to do to bring myself back to where I used to be, when I was happy and had a sense of inner peace. See, I used to be this person that I am today...unmotivated, scared of change, and weak. I gained the strength that I needed to build myself up to where I was by directly facing the things I had avoided for so long, moving out of my comfort zone, and proving to myself that YES, I COULD do it. So I know what I need to do. For me, and for my daughter. Life should be better than this, and it will be.

Alexa turned 13 on the 22nd. Her party was a few friends over for the night, some pizza and a couple of movies. If you've ever thought about hosting a party for a bunch of 13 year old girls, please reconsider. It was so stressful! Bryan and I ended up playing mediator all night, as the girls got catty and emotional and started bickering. They fought almost ALL NIGHT, until about 11 PM when they all decided to forgive each other and start giggling and talking again. They even had the audacity to act surprised when Bryan and I fell into bed, exhausted, before they did. We were just all tuckered out from the bickering.

On this trip to Florida we just took, we fought the entire time. From the time we got there until we were in Kentucky on our way back, we fought. It was all day long. I called Alexa at least twice every day just to feel somewhat connected, because I felt like shit the entire time. His best friend Dave was with us and had to hear it all week long too. Strangely, when we got back to Flint, we were calm and rational. Still haven't argued yet.

Lastly, I want to say that one of the things I have been doing lately in preparing myself for changing my life is getting up early. I am so tired right now and it's only 12:18 AM. I've been getting up like a normal person, around 8 or 9. So, I am off to bed now.