This Sucks For Me

Check me out. My hair is so long, just how I wanted it. I'm steadily losing more weight. I should be happy...and I am, actually. There are times, and they are few and far between, when I miss being with Bryan but for the most part I am very comfortable being alone. I am a lot less stressed out and I don't mind sleeping alone, but I do occasionally miss cuddling. Not as much as I thought I would. But I wasn't prepared for these kinds of emotions, the ones I'm experiencing.

I've never been in this situation before. I never, EVER expected to be in this place that I'm at right now. You could say that I am constantly, constantly preoccupied. It causes me constant problems. I fuck shit up at work all day. Then, I get flipped the bird four times in about a three mile radius because I'm fucking up while driving. At home, I sit at the table and stare out the window for an hour at a time. I turn the TV on with the intention of watching something and I zone out to the preview channel instead. I have a sudden passion for Coldplay and listen to them every day. Music is about the only thing I can concentrate on. I can't really talk to anyone here about it really, because we all know the same people and some things have to be kept between only the two people who need to know. I feel so torn because while I am so happy being with this other person, I know that Bryan doesn't know and would never guess about some of the conversations he and I have had. He would never think that I would have the balls to say to this person, "Hey, I think I may be developing feelings for you," and actually have a few conversations about it. He doesn't seem to notice the eye contact that we make, or the way that I smile at him. I never smiled at Bryan that way. He also doesn't know that sometimes I secretly hate him, because I feel that this person's loyalty to him will cause the one I want to be unavailable to me. It fucking scares me to think that because of that loyalty that I may have to give up what I know I will never find again. A connection like this is so rare. I simply don't want anything else. I have been battling these feelings for longer than I will admit to myself, and over the past year, they've had plenty of time to grow. The thought of being without him in any way is terrifying. He is truly the very best friend I've ever had. He truly cares deeply about me and absolutely accepts all my weirdness. He does everything he can to make sure I'm comfortable, stands up for me and at the same time teaches me how to do it for myself. He once ran three miles nonstop to my house after clocking out at work without permission...because I needed him. I do not want to give that up. I'm choking up as I write this. There has only been one person in my life who ever cared about me this much...and that was my first love. I absolutely recognize this feeling, even though it's been 20 years since I've felt it. It's beautiful, and it hurts. It's right smack in my heart. I love the beauty of it, but it's making everything hurt. When I say everything hurts, I mean my heart aches so bad that it makes my body hurt, and no amount of aspirin or even weed will make it go away. It just hurts because I don't know if it can happen, but I know that if it should, it probably will.

I like the little ways we find to touch each other. I'm kind of sure that he's doing it too, finding little subtle ways to make contact with me, but I'm not absolutely certain. I don't really care because I feel like I'm melting when he touches me. If he ever did kiss me I might break down into sobs. I haven't ever felt this closeness with someone in all my adult life, in any of my relationships. This is it, right here. When I catch him staring at me it puts a little jolt into my heart. It can't be that I'm imagining all this? Could I? This from the same person who just snapped and beat the shit out of Bryan one day? Who bluntly told me one day, "I don't think it's a good idea for me to meet your father. I'm sorry." Who I catch looking at me? He admits that I'm pretty close to him, way closer than his ex girlfriend who he was with for about four or five years. I know him very well and I think I surprise him sometimes with it. He knows me just as well and demonstrates it daily. Example: The other night, we went out to eat and got pizza. I asked the server for more pizza sauce, and she brought it. I didn't end up using it, and when we were boxing up the leftovers, he made a comment about how I didn't use it. I said I know, that I didn't need it because I only ate one piece. He then took his fork and scraped some out of the bowl and onto his plate, and I said, "What are you doing? Trying to make it look like we used it so you don't feel bad?" He replied, "No, I'm doing it so YOU won't feel bad," while looking directly at me...because he knows I absolutely WOULD feel bad about making the server go and run and get me something that I didn't even end up using. He rendered me speechless with that one, just because it was so...thoughtful. If he thinks that much about it, shouldn't he love me? I mean, he tells me he loves me, especially when I'm depressed and stuff, but of course he means on a friendly level. All of these things, and I am still not sure.

I don't know if I can believe that I can be this lucky, to have come across something so wonderful and sweet and SO UNEXPECTED. I don't know if I can allow myself to believe that he could feel the same way. When I told him how I felt, it was in a very general way, and he didn't really say too much except to reassure me that it was okay to tell him that, and that it changed nothing. He didn't act horrified, or say that it would never happen, or act weirded out. The eye contact hasn't stopped. Neither has the touching. The touching doesn't happen too often, only when we are passing things to each other or when we're in the car, which makes it a treat when it happens. I am wildly confused about this but if there's one thing I have learned from my mistakes it's that rushing into things is never good and if it's supposed to happen it will, in good time. He accepts the way I feel, evidently, and he doesn't seem uncomfortable with it.

But then there's Bryan. I feel guilty for this. They are friends. Were friends first!! But luckily he is very intelligent and it didn't take him too long to see what Bryan was about. I still feel guilty and wonder how he would take it if I told him. If it came down to it, I WOULD tell him. Right before we moved into our own houses, I made him promise that he would not stand in the way of anything that made me happy, in those words. As I said before, I have been feeling this way for a while, so, as always, I am trying to be prepared.

So this is where I'm at. Confusion, confusion, confusion. But admist all of it is this fun and fabulous feeling. I glow. I smile more, but it comes from within. I get noticed now. It feels good. He just lights me up from the inside. But will I ever know what I want to know? I am used to getting what I want and he is admittedly the most stubborn and loyal person I have ever met, so what is going to happen? I am so scared.