Things To Ponder

Lately I have been absolutely outside of myself. I don't know what's going on. My mind wanders off in directions unknown, I never hear people when they're speaking to me, I'm constantly distracted, and sometimes I'll have days where I am pretty weepy over everything. I know it's because of my current situation and I am trying very hard to control it. I have never felt like this before. I mean, I have really strong feelings for someone who I am not sure returns those feelings. But, it shouldn't, and WON'T matter, if they're not reciprocated because of our friendship. But I just don't know. And there's so many other things I'm dealing with besides that...that just complicates things. And on my better days, provides that ray of hope I've been longing for for so long.

But now that I am out of the relationship with Bryan, I find myself getting more and more pissed each day. It's like I kept a lid on a bubbling pot for three years. Now, it's starting to boil over. I guess it's the hurt before the heal, I don't know but it sucks. I have no desire to be with him or to try and love him ever again, but I still feel obligated to care about him for some reason. although he never really showed me that he cared about me. And when I go back on the relationship and realize how bad, how really, really bad he treated me, I get really angry, not just with him but with me for putting up with it. It hurts me even more when I stop and actually think about the things he's put me through and everything. I realize that I am broken, in more ways than one, and like I've said before, everything hurts. I feel limp, twisted, and useless. I hurt so much sometimes that I find myself desperately trying to think of some drug, any drug, that I could take that would fill this void and make me numb. I realize now that it's a pattern for me to use drugs as a way to cope with situations that I feel I can't handle. I did it when I was 22 and transitioning out of my first serious relationship...I drank myself into a stupor every night, I did it when I met Bryan and started doing coke, I started smoking weed like crazy to get over doing the coke, and now I find myself wishing for numbness. Not happiness. Numbness. I am so tired of feeling...I want to feel nothing. However, I have learned from my previous mistakes so drug use isn't really in my plans. I've been drinking some, though, and that's just not something I do. I've also been taking whatever nerve pills my coworkers are nice enough to give me for free, like xanax. I look in the mirror and I can see that everything is eating me up alive, even though I am making a valiant effort to survive this without crashing. I have never felt so hurt, so broken, so betrayed in all my life, and while I don't mourn the relationship, I mourn for myself, for selling myself so short, for wasting my time, and for all the times he's hurt me by not showing that he cares for me at all. He continues to do this.

And with my other situation..well, that's just so difficult. Here is a person that I have a beautiful connection with. It's rare to connect with someone they way we have, and after that relationship with Bryan, it can sometimes be very healing to my heart to know that there is someone out there who really does care for me, no matter on what level. Everyone that has ever met him loves him and can observe how much he cares for me. I know I'm safe now that he's in my life. No man will ever hurt me again, not physically, and certainly not mentally. I know that I am not really alone any more, because I have bonded with someone who won't let me be alone. Being near him is calming and we spend a lot of time together. Eventually, we'll get to the bottom of whether or not he can see me as more than a friend, but what that will boil down to is pretty much nothing will change. If he does care for me, I want everything to stay the same. So nothing is going to change, really...except the knowledge that I will have that he doesn't love me in that way. Sometimes I think he does, and we've had a few unfinished and somewhat vague conversations about it, but I do feel like pretty soon it's all going to be out there on the table. He knows it's hurting me, and I think he knows exactly what it is. Time will take care of it. I just hope it's soon, because my poor heart is overloaded right now.

Tiredly,
Mz Bowailey (once removed)