Madness!

Hey everyone! I am still in the process of re working this site, it's just that things keep coming up that temporarily take priority over this blog. I am working on it.

So, I have moved into my little house. I've been here a week now and I am still putting a few finishing touches on it. It's really very warm and cozy, spacious just for the two of us. The first two or three days that I lived here I really hated it, because I was struck down with some mystery illness which I am quite suspicious was the flu, and I was in pain and I cried miserably for my mommy. I was really afraid that because of that experience, I would be left with that memory when I thought of this as home and I would hate this place...but fortunately that didn't happen. I laid around sick and miserable for a few days, and then finally got around to unpacking the rest of it. Tonight I am finishing up my bedroom and my new home will be complete!

Yesterday I went grocery shopping and filled the cabinets with food. I bought chicken and ground turkey, turkey bacon, salad, spinach, fruits and vegetables, steamed and raw. I bought Cheerios and Shredded Wheat and whole wheat bread. This is keeping in adherence to one of my goals this year, which was to make better food choices and to eat healthier. This is so important to me! I have a lot of stomach problems so I have to be picky about what I put in it unless I want to be uncomfortable and/or in pain. I don't drink soda hardly at all, I mostly drink water. I have lost fourteen more pounds in the last month or so, but I know that a big part of that was being sick.

In a weird way, getting as sick as I did was like a super big ass kick start in the right direction. Being as sick as I was, I couldn't eat hardly at all. I knew better than to starve myself, but for those three days I only ate one bowl of soup each day. I drank as much water as I could and by day three I could drink juice. But by then, my stomach had kind of shrunk so I just continued to eat smaller portions. I cut my usual big breakfast in half. Now I can eat one egg, toast, and a small portion of potatoes and be full. My stomach isn't as irritated because I'm not putting as much in it, which is a nice relief. And the best part of all is that I quit smoking cold turkey, this time for good. I don't know why I ever thought smoking was something I wanted to do. I was so sick coming home from work last Saturday that I smoked a half a cigarette and haven't smoked again after that. I mean, Saturday night I was so miserable I couldn't even think about smoking, and ditto for Sunday. Sunday I felt like I was in hell. I wasn't thinking about cigarettes. By Monday I felt a little better but still not good enough for a cigarette if I had had a craving for one, which I didn't. By Monday night I decided that no matter what I wasn't going to start smoking again. It just seemed ridiculous to go three, four days without smoking and then start up again. So I won't. I do struggle sometimes, especially at work and after eating, but it's not too bad...I just do my best to forget about it and it goes away. I don't really think about it too much. I am starting a new chapter of my life in a new place which means that I am essentially travelling outside my comfort level, so trying new things can't really hurt. And this wasn't something I intended to do, at least not right now. I didn't even put it on my list of goals to accomplish this year because I wasn't sure if I should tackle it. But it came up, and guess what? I surprised myself. Pleasantly.

The first few nights here without Bryan were scary and sad. I cried a lot. I really missed him. The first two nights I slept in my bed and I tossed and turned miserably. On Monday night I slept on my brand new couch, which is actually brand new, and I slept like a fucking baby. I've been sleeping there a lot, but tonight I'm going to try sleeping in my room. It gives me anxiety for some reason, and I am trying to tackle that. Anyway, after the inital sadness of being without Bryan, I began to adjust and you know what? I FEEL FUCKING GREAT! I FEEL FREE. I feel absolutely free to do whatever I want and to be myself and the best part is that I have MONEY in the BANK! It's not a lot at all, but it's enough for me to build the foundation that I want to build. This is in reference to one of my other goals this year, which is to become financially independent and learn how to budget my money much better than I have for the last few years. Honestly, I am doing very well in that department and I feel very blessed that I do not have to live paycheck to paycheck right now. For once, I have a small cushion to fall back on, and it's MY OWN MONEY that I WORKED FOR. I just feel so good. I feel like I am coming out of the dark. I feel strong. I even feel sexy sometimes. I keep surprising myself. I laugh a lot more and I catch myself saying more positive things. It's only been a week and I can feel the burden lifting off of me.

I also did what I said I was going to do and sign up for direct deposit from work. I have been able to hoard two paychecks from the last month, so I mailed those into my bank to be deposited. From now on , that will happen automatically and that money will have to be used for bills. So far, this is working out well.

So now I have to end this because I am tired, and I still have a load of drying to do. I have to work tomorrow, but I plan on posting some pics of my new place. I love it! I am trying out a feng-shui theme, and so far it is working quite well. I have framed Chinese symbols all along the wall in the living room that stand for different things, such as love, happiness, peace, harmony, and wisdom. My couch is in an open space, and I have white candles everywhere, ready to be lit at the first sign of negative energy. The way I have it decorated gives me a sense of peace and accomplishment...because it looks really nice.

Tiredly,
Mz Bowailey