Once Again

I find myself sitting here downloading the soundtrack to "Hustle and Flow" which was a really good movie. I am even tolerant of the music. Perhaps it's my 22 year old self coming back into my conscious mind. LOL.

I went through with what I said I was going to do in my last entry. It turned into a huge brouhaha. I am not kidding. I need to learn how not to approach things when I've been drinking. I haven't drank in quite some time, and that night we went to the bar and had a few. Although I was NOT stupid drunk by any means, my tongue had loosened up quite a bit. He found the letter I wrote him by accident because I asked him to dig through my purse for my lighter. He found the note and started begging me to let him read it. I told him to wait until we got back to the room. He didn't want to wait....he was giving me the puppy dog eyes and asking me if it was "bad" and the whole nine yards. I let him read it, and he got very upset. He kept saying it was "fucked up" and begging me to talk to him about it. I kept shaking my head and pointing to his drink and saying, "Just drink and have fun. We can talk about it tomorrow." We ended up talking about a little bit, and he said, "You can do what you want, but I will NEVER take your number out of my phone. Do you hear me? You can take mine out if you want to, but yours is NEVER coming out of mine. Why are you doing this?" and blah blah blah. Eventually he dropped it and went out on the dance floor with some friends and I kind of slouched down on the table with my head in my hands. I was feeling the alcohol and was pretty tired. Some big bouncer guy came out and told me to go outside, so I went and told Bryan I had to go outside. Since there was only about a half hour left before the bar closed anyway, I told him to just stay until his friends were ready to leave. I didn't really mind waiting in the car...time alone is a precious commodity to me these days.

I was only in the car for about ten minutes before he came outside and was ready to go. On the way there we argued a little bit about his use of the term "friends with benefits." At the bar he had said something about "friends with benefits" as if that were our label. I know what he meant, but at the time I got very offended. I don't sleep with my friends. I sleep with people I care about, and besides, people over the age of 25 don't generally use the term "friends with benefits" so that pissed me off too. I also think he said something like, "Who wanted to fuck first?" which also pissed me off....but then I have to remember that I am dealing with someone six and a half years younger than me. Sometimes he says things and I take them the wrong way because I simply don't understand what the fuck it is he's saying.

We got back to the room and proceeded to argue for a few hours over this. He is constantly telling me how much he cares about me and I know that he does..I KNOW so no one better even question it...but I am still very insecure and scared to death. He doesn't understand that part of it..he has never had a serious relationship, nor does he know what it's like to have someone love him. He doesn't understand my marriage ("Why don't you just tell him to get the fuck out? You're getting divorced anyway.") and by that I mean he thinks I shouldn't feel anything for Shawn at all. Well, that's too bad. Shawn is my husband and just because our marriage is over doesn't mean I want to hurt him in any way. Bryan knows this. He doesn't understand it..but he is aware of it.

So we argued and argued, and finally I decided I wanted to leave. He decided I wasn't going to. This is the funny part. See, as people who know me well know, NO ONE stops me from doing anything I want to do. In all my past relationships, when I wanted to leave, I left. Bryan decided I wasn't going anywhere. He blocked me from getting out the door, wouldn't let me use the phone, etc. I've never had anyone do that to me before. I cried and cried and cried and begged him to let me leave. He kept trying to hold me down, telling me I was too drunk to drive. (I wasn't too drunk to drive back to the hotel from the bar!) Then he made the biggest mistake EVER.

He called my mean, drunk sister. (He works with her.)

He got on the phone and called Kathy with me right next to him, crying, and told her I wanted to leave. Kathy asked why I was crying and I yelled, "Because he won't LET me leave!" Suddenly Bryan started crying and yelling into the phone, "She just wants to go home and FUCK HER HUSBAND!" So we start yelling and arguing again and he hung up on her...just like that.

Another no no.

We argued ourselves out and fell asleep. When we got up yesterday, Bryan checked his voice mail and there was a message from Kathy. It said, "Motherfucker, I don't know if you know who the FUCK you just hung up on, especially when it sounds like my sister is in trouble. If she wants to LEAVE let her fucking LEAVE. I swear if anything happens to her, motherfucker, you'll wish you had NEVER BEEN FUCKING BORN." (Click)

So then he had to mend that fence.

We spent the whole day at his house...his sister and her husband (who also works with Kathy) were having an anniversary party. It was a lot of fun. I spent a lot of time talking to his mom. I love his family, and they seem to like me, too. His mom is a little bit concerned with the age difference, only because she wonders if I have the patience it requires to let him grow up his own way. My response to that was, "I'm still here, aren't I?"

It's a wonderful thing. I have to admit I'm scared, but the only time, and I do mean the only time, we argue like that is when we've both been drinking, which thankfully isn't that often. Yesterday we were talking before I left and I brought up the "friends with benefits" thing. I told him if it was going to be like that, then I wasn't going to do it. That's not how I perceive this relationship and we at least need to be on the same page about that. He said, "No, it's not like that," and when I looked at him I knew he was telling the truth. He has never lied to me, not once, so I know he wouldn't start now. He knows how I feel and I'm sure he doesn't want that kind of trouble, so lying to me would serve no purpose. We have a wonderful friendship base..I spent the whole last two weeks with him and we hung out, went to Playland with Alexa, watched movies, cuddled and talked. I can sleep with him in the same bed without worrying about being mauled. We talk and talk and talk. Our childhoods were so different and we have such different experiences. He sees me as highly educated and well traveled because he hates school and has never been anywhere. He is so smart and I think I am good for him because NO ONE has ever taken the time to tell him what a good person he is. But he is. He has a heart of pure gold. I also like him because he is his own person....at 22, I wasn't my own person yet. He treats me well, sings loudly to music in the car with me, and when he touches me, I melt.

Oh, the early stages of love.

We have such a good connection and like I said, we are friends FIRST. He is probably the best friend I've had since Heather died in 2002. He can read me like a book...he knows when I'm happy, knows when something is wrong, etc. He'll ask, "You all right?" and I'll say, "Yeah, I'm fine." Then he'll ask, "Are you fibbing to me? You can't fib to me." He's right..I can't. And I don't want to. We've always been honest with each other.

So that is the story of what's going on. I don't know if I can walk away yet. I don't know if I should. Something keeps me there. I don't know what it is. But I am happy..happy...happy.

***When I asked him yesterday why he wouldn't let me leave, he once again said I was too drunk to drive. I pointed out that I drove us from the bar to the hotel just fine. He responded, "Yeah, but then you fell out of bed." I started laughing hysterically because I DID fall out of bed. Then he said, "Well so did I, so it's all good."***