And More Changes

I just re read my last post. Although everything I said was true, it took me reading it a few times to realize that my stand has once again changed.

I have felt so far removed from my family. I didn't realize how sad I was about this until last night. I miss my fuzzy bear, and my kid who is DEPENDING ON ME TO BE A GOOD ROLE MODEL, among other important things. I thought I could do what I was doing and still be a good role model, but that's impossible because it's hypocritical. I cannot lead two lives. I cannot possibly be a good mother and wife while doing this. I just can't.

I talked to Lynn this morning. I haven't seen her much because she's been so busy with work and such, but I told her what was going on. She said that there was a passage in the Bible that states that often times, when a person has overcome great obstacles and is close to achieving a long sought after goal, the Devil intercedes and throws something in the way to distract that person while giving the impression that it's the better choice. It's like a lightbulb flashed over my head. My eyes filled with tears and it was then that I knew why Lynn was my soul mate friend for life. She just knew. She always knows.

It hasn't been that long, but I have some making up to do to my husband and my daughter. It crushed my heart last night when he called me at 3 AM because he woke up and I wasn't home. He was worried. I realized I have been extremely selfish, and I am so sorry for that. Thank God it's not too late to change things because I kind of want my boring, safe, predictable life back. More than anything, I want my clear conscience back. I am not one to play games or be fake, and right now I feel that I have been doing that. I have been two people for too long. (Really, only about a week or so, but that is too long for me.) I have always been about "keeping it real." Seriously. It's time I went back to that.

That world was a little too crazy for me. I think I have outgrown it. Drama...fights...police...complete and total lack of sobriety...games...sneaking...hiding...lying. I don't need it.

So, Shawn, I know you read this and I want to tell you I'm sorry and I love you.