Changes

I have a rational side. This is the side of me that constantly directs and redirects me to make the most responsible choices. This is the side I depend on when faced with a potentially harmful, difficult, or stressful situation. My rational side and I have a good relationship.

Lately, my rational side is growing weaker and weaker. That little voice of reason that has always kept me on the right path seems to be diminishing bit by bit until I no longer hear it. I am consciously blocking out this voice because all the other paths I have chosen by listening to this voice have been blocked with obstacles I have yet to overcome. I am sick of the power struggle between my id and my superego. Id is winning, and that is dangerous.

I have overcome many, many obstacles in my life and have been extremely proud of my successes. I am intelligent, reasonably attractive, and very blessed. But right now I am focusing only on my impulses. I have chosen a road to travel that I really know nothing about. Sure, it's great fun traveling it but what happens at the end? I can jump off this train anytime I want to but I have not yet chosen to do so. My rational voice wants me to stop this silly, irrational, extremely self destructive behavior but I am not going to. Not yet. It's just way too damn much fun.

It has the propensity to get out of control. I know this. But being the person that I am, I am maintaining rigid control. I will not allow myself to succumb to the power of this. I am in control.

Am I fooling myself? Not yet. I promise you that I am not fooling myself yet. If there ever comes a time when I do end up trying to fool myself, I am sure my rational mind will let me know. The question is, will I listen?

I'm not going to stop. I'm having a fine time. I feel great. I am sleeping normally and even waking up better. I am not overeating. I am being social. Maybe too social, but I am a night person and my husband is a day person so there are days when I don't even see him except for when I crawl into bed with him. That's okay except for the times when I miss him and then I just come home. I have that option. And I am taking it. So I know I am not out of control.

I feel extreme guilt about the field I'm in. Tomorrow, I have to sit through a class and listen to the instructor talk about problems in society. Problems that we, as social workers, must be trained to deal with effectively. Right now, I am the problem.

I am not going to stop. When this train starts going too fast, I'll stop, if it even comes to that. In the meantime, I am staying on this road with the hopes that the end result will be what I have wanted for several years. I have no more options left. People don't understand that I have a serious problem that I cannot solve. They don't know how much it bothers me, how much I cry in private because of it. What I am doing now should solve it, but the detriment to myself could be very great. I am IN CONTROL and I am not going to stop.

That's it.