A New Day

This is how I look right now. I got up this morning, after sleeping in a little, and decided that I was going to wear make up today to make myself feel nice. I feel better anyway..not as despondent as I have been feeling. (I think I need to get back to exercising in order to feel one hundred percent normal again.) I have decided that I will feel normal again BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY. Today, on my way to class, I WILL sing out loud to the music on my CD's. I WILL NOT flip anyone off or lay on my horn for more than ten seconds or challenge anyone to a fight. I WILL buy a pack of gum and share it with my friends in class. I WILL NOT think negatively, I will think positively. I will find ways to keep busy rather than laying around my room reading.

So, that is my proclamation for the day. IT WILL BE A GOOD DAY.

First of all, I had the strangest dream last night and I just have to document it here before I forget all of it. I lived in a HUGE house with like fourteen floors. It was an old, old, old house that had been decorated last sometime in the early to mid seventies and the reason why I know that was because everything was rich and dark. The drapes were heavy and red, the carpet was a shaggy red. Almost everything was red. My mean, drunk sister lived on the bottom floor of the house which resembled the bottom floor of the old Victorian farmhouse she used to have. Anyway, in my dream, I would go from floor to floor, and it all looked quite the same. Each floor appeared to be like an apartment really, and they all had fireplaces and huge dining room tables with giant chandeliers hanging from the ceiling. I would run up all fourteen floors and never run out of breath, because for some reason the stairs were winding and not straight up. But the thing I remember most about the dream was the fact that I was absolutely sure that something else was in the house with me.

I don't mean like a nice Sylvia Browne type presence. I mean, something evil, something Amityville like, that I could not escape. I was terrified, yet had no proof that any such thing was in my house. Perhaps it was the seventies deco that scared me? Or maybe a repressed memory from my childhood coming to life in a dream? I don't know. But I would frantically run up all fourteen floors while feeling like something was chasing me, too scared to turn around, and there would be nothing.

One floor was different than the rest in terms of decoration. It still had the seventies shag carpet, but the carpet was white with dark brown and light brown strands in it. The whole floor was carpeted with this carpet and I seem to remember something whispering in my ear, "This is the kid's room." Somehow I knew it was a kid's room and was safe for me to be in there. But everytime I tried to get safe in there, something would happen and I would have to run around the house, taking care of things, and not able to go to my safe floor. Then I would be in a state of total terror. And I felt it in real life too. I woke up with a pounding heart and felt all nervous. It wasn't really a nightmare, it was just kind of very real feeling and too close to the surface for me. I have had dreams like that before and I have no idea what they mean. I wish I knew something about dream interpretation. Maybe I should go to a psychic.

A few years ago, I became absolutely certain I was going to die. Every minute of every day was consumed with thoughts of my impending death. I had to fly to Michigan and I was absolutely sure I was going to die on that plane. There was no room for doubt. I see now that what I felt was a precognition is actually probably ANXIETY. I heard a commercial on the radio yesterday about anxiety and the announcer was like:

Do you worry about yourself constantly?
Do you worry about others?
Do you find yourself avoiding social situations?
Do you wonder what is going to happen every minute of every day and then try to plan around it?

Uh..yes, yes, yes, and DEFINITELY yes. I spend so much time worrying about the future that I rarely enjoy the present. I always thought I was being "prepared" and "thoughtful" but I guess I have anxiety. Well, I always knew I had anxiety and I have just dealt with it. I am not a big pill fan. But I am going to tell my doctor when I see her next month and maybe she can prescribe me something that will stop my runaway train thoughts. Oh, it's bad. I'm getting depressed again. Maybe I'll stop writing about this now.

Anyway, I am on my way to school and today WILL BE A BETTER DAY!! I just text messaged my cousin Elizabeth to see if she wanted to maybe do something after school. Stay busy, stay busy, stay busy!!