A Big FUCK YOU To The Powers That Be!

I just sat here for a half an hour trying to get Blogspot to work. Then I decided I would go to bed at 1 if it didn't. Here it is EXACTLY 1 AM and it's working. Aggh!

Anyway, I have been feeling really shitty lately. I can't describe it. Every once in a while I get in these funks where I don't give a fuck about anything or the consequences, either. I sleep a lot, suddenly become less active, and feel hopeless and miserable. And fat.

Now is one of those times. Well, actually, I feel as if I may be snapping out of it. I had a little talk with Lynn yesterday and it made me feel better, as I always do whenever I talk to her. She is so forgiving. Such a good friend. I have been so fucked up that I missed her son's birthday party. I feel like absolute SHIT but I could not bring myself to go over there and act normal. I didn't feel normal and didn't want to be normal, either. I had some stress going on over here, which I'll write about later, and I feel like that had a big effect on me as well.

So we'll see if tomorrow will be a better day. I sure hope so. I hate waking up feeling hateful and mean. I enjoy waking up optimistic and level headed.

I can't afford to break any more shit. The other night, Shawn and I got into a fight so bad I contemplated nailing him on the back of his head with my shoes, but I decided against it because I knew I would feel like shit later. I screamed until I was hoarse, proclaiming that I should just "end my life." (No one ever listens to me when I say things like that, which is good, because I don't mean it. Well, I mean it in the moment I'm saying it but I won't actually do it.) I didn't get the response I wanted out of him so I hurled the phone at the wall, breaking yet ANOTHER phone, the fourth cordless phone I've broken in several months. Then I kicked some stuff around the floor and screamed some more. I fell into bed at 8 and fell asleep, not waking up again until 9 AM the next day, feeling mean and hateful and full of spite. I did not go to class. Instead I sat in my car for an hour and a half, reading this awesome book I had started. This morning when I woke up I felt the same: mean, angry, asshole like. I drove around for a while, went to class, and discovered that I had failed yet another test in this class. (I'm not the only one..half the class fails every test.) I tucked my test under my book and left the class, went outside, and smoked for a half an hour. Then I went back into class. The whole time my brain was repeating "IdontgiveafuckIdontgiveafuckIdontgiveafuck" like a broken record. But slowly, over the course of the day, I started feeling better. I even went bowling with Elizabeth tonight. We ended up going to the bar to pick up her drunk mom, and got followed by the cops, but that's another story.

So, tonight on my way home, I was actually singing along to the radio..something I haven't done in about four days. I feel pretty good right now...just tired. I am hoping that tomorrow I will have a fresh and new perspective....I can't STAND feeling like an asshole.