Goodbye, Isabella

There comes a time in everyone's life when they realize they can't help everyone. Just because the help is offered doesn't mean people are going to make the best of it.

I learn this lesson the hard way. I actually don't think I have learned it yet.

I am always opening my door to certain members of my family and sharing what I have in order to give them the boost they need to be independent. I guess since no one did this for me that I feel an obligation to do it for someone else. But really, when I think about it, I actually was better off without someone enabling me.

This last week was hard. I got a "C" on a test, found out I may have sleep apnea and have to go to a sleep clinic (a prospect that fills me with horrible anxiety and dread), and had trouble with odor. Serious trouble.

Yes, I said odor.

I woke up one morning and my entire house smelled rank, like wet dog. Like a madwoman, a rabid one at that, I started canvassing my house for the source of the odor. I couldn't find it. It wasn't coming from Ricky and Ashley's room, because their room was clean. I just could not figure it out. I yelled for a while, but I knew it was no one else's fault.

I went to school and complained to my friends about it. Kindra said the same thing happened to her once. She said it could be my spirits messing with me, or there could be something wrong with my ear, nose, and throat. There is always something wrong with my ears, nose and throat.

Later on that night, when I got home, Shawn greeted me at the front door with a note written by Ashley in which she thanks me for being there for her and then proceeds to tell me that she and Ricky are getting on my nerves so they were going out to stay at Ricky's dad's for a while. They cleaned out their entire room and were absolutely gone.

Needless to say, I was stunned. Absolutely stunned. If they knew how much time, money, effort, and sacrifice went into letting them stay here.....but evidently, that's not important. Not only that, but she (AND he) had ample opportunity to speak to me before I left to go to school. Neither one did.

I am so upset over the whole affair. I don't really feel used..that's not the word I'm looking for. I think the word I may be looking for is UNAPPRECIATED. DISRESPECTED. I spoke to Ashley's mom on the phone, who reassured me that Ashley just felt like I had done enough and it was time to go. Neither one of them bothered to discuss it with me. To just leave like little pussies is a slap in the face to me. Am I that scary? I know neither one of them are particularly afraid of me, so that's can't be it. What, then?

The worst part about this is that they're staying out at Ricky's dad's. Ricky's dad don't even live there because Jason, my youngest nephew, his girlfriend, and their son have taken over the house, turning a beautiful home into a disgusting pigsty. Jason doesn't work, Kristen waits tables, and they sleep until 4 in the afternoon. Plus, they both smoke weed constantly and do coke all the time. Now, Ashley knows all this because she has stayed there before. Maybe Ashley and Ricky don't want anyone to answer to. Maybe they want to live like pigs and not worry about other people. I don't know. But Ricky is a very bad addict who has been very good lately, and I mean totally stone cold sober good, and Ashley is a recovering coke addict. The odd thing is that they left on the day Ashley finally got her ADC money. Coincidence? You decide.

So now I have sit here and think about all the money I wasted. All the time I spent in coordinating everything for her. All the shit I had to set aside in order to accept her.

And the truth of the matter is, I wouldn't change it because I did grow to love Ashley. She is a beautiful, intelligent, sensitive, hard working and determined girl. I know that I can't really trust her with certain things now, but that doesn't change the way I feel about her overall. She is a wonderful mother. The first night they were gone, I sat there trying to absorb the note she wrote me, and I stayed up all fucking night worrying about what they were doing. Is Isabella going to grow up in that environment? Where is Ashley going to go if she needs to get away from Ricky? What is going to happen to my great niece? I already lost a beloved great nephew. I don't want to lose another.

And it is beyond my comprehension that my OWN nephew would do this behind my back, knowing that the loss of his son Timothy still stings me. How could he just up and leave without even giving me a chance to at least hug and kiss Isabella goodbye? I called him at work on Friday and told him I was upset, and then he said he would be by later to get some of their food that they left behind. He never showed, but if he would have, I would have grilled him about this. Maybe that's why he didn't come by. We're pretty close, Ricky and I, and I'm sure he knows exactly how I feel. But obviously, he doesn't CARE.

And as for Ashley, she was THERE when Anne took off with Timothy and she knows how that affected all of us. How could she just take off without saying good bye or giving me the chance to kiss the baby that I, along with everyone else, helped to bring into this world? I coached her as she pushed, smoothed her hair back from her forehead, spoiled her after the baby was born. How could they do this to me? I just don't understand it.

And they have not called, not once. Tomorrow is Easter, and I don't suppose I'll hear from them, but if I do, I will invite them over with a warm heart and mind. I won't yell or accuse or show anger. But I will gently question them as to why they didn't let me say good bye to a baby girl that I was really growing to love.

When I spoke to Ashley's mother, she said she was coming up here on May 11 to pick up Ashley, Ricky and the baby and take them back to Florida. I wonder if I'll hear from them before then or not. If not, then I guess I know where I stand.

I will never open my home or heart to anyone again. I can't do it. Thursday night I was up all night and then yesterday I was heavily depressed all day. Last night I was up out of bed every twenty minutes because I was so sick. Today, I am weak and tired, but I feel better. I have been outside most of the day, absorbing as much sun as I can.

I am slowly starting to feel normal again. It's going to take a while. I am not used to the quiet in this house. But the good news is, my cousin Elizabeth is on her way back here from Florida. She mad a snap decision to come back home and as I write this, is already driving through Cincinnati. That will take some of the sting out of losing Ashley and the baby. Elizabeth has disappointed me at times also, but I don't feel as if she has ever not appreciated me.

By the way, the pictures above were taken by Ashley about a week ago. I was feeding Isabella and trying to burp her. As you can see, she fell asleep on my shoulder and Ashley could not stop laughing at her silly face. Her mouth was WIDE OPEN. Isn't she beautiful? I miss her.