This is what we do in our family for fun. We grow up, and then ride on the little pink horsey at Meijer's. Sheesh. And let's not forget about the little purple one, either. Is that a friggin dinosaur??
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Funny Shit

I thought I would write something a little more lighthearted than usual.

I thought I would share what I like to call "Bryanisms."

Bryan has his own manner of speaking, which I attribute to his Libra sign. I like the fact that he is his own person and doesn't care who knows it, but sometimes, he can be stressful.

One night, Alexa was really dressed like a tomboy and Bryan started teasing her, asking her if she was gay. I told him to stop it, but Alexa seemed to be able to handle her own, and started teasing him back. We went to Meijer's to go grocery shopping, and he took it too far and made her cry. She stalked ahead of us in the aisle and bumped right into some girls who were shopping, too. They took one look at her, and then glared at Bryan.

"You're mean," one of them said. "You need to APOLOGIZE."

So Bryan rolled up his shirt, tied it in a knot right above his belly button, and right there in Meijer's, in front of everyone, began prancing up and down the aisles, following Alexa, and loudly declaring, "I'm gay! I'm gay, everybody!" I got the hell out of there so people wouldn't know he was with me. I was pretty embarassed. When he finally caught up to me, a stockboy walked by and Bryan said to him, "I'm not really gay." The guy looked at him like was nuts, smiled, and shrugged his shoulders as if to say, "Who cares?" I have to agree. I cussed him out for embarassing me...but I smiled when I was doing it.

There was also this one time that I picked him up from the bar and he was pretty drunk. He asked me to go through the drive through at Taco Bell so I did. While we were in line, we started bickering and he got belligerent. He got out of the car, in line, and threatened to moon me. I was able to coax him back into the car that time. However, the people behind us were interested and started watching us. I asked him to please shut up and just order his food and he said, "No!" I said, "Bryan, will you please just act right? People are looking at us." He said, "So?" When the lady came on the speaker and asked us what we wanted to order, Bryan leaned over me and literally yelled through the window, "YEAH! SONDRA'S MAD AT ME BECAUSE--" at which point I yelled, "Shut up!" and attempted to drive away. But I forgot that once you're in the drive through lane at that particular Taco Bell, you're stuck. So I drove over the curb to get out of there, and in my rearview mirror, I could see the people behind us cracking up. Not one of my more graceful moments.

And, more recently, we got into argument that he decided to end by getting out of the car and walking home. I followed him down the road, trying to get him back in the car, because it was almost three in the morning and we were in a pretty bad area. I had also been drinking, and I was scared to drive alone. He refused over and over again, and finally we caught the attention of a few guys in a white car who pulled up next to Bryan and said, "Hey man, is everything all right? You all right?"

Bryan said, "Yeah, it's all right," as he continued to walk.

"Do you want a beer?" one of them asked.

"No, I'm good," he said.

One of the guys had been eyeing me and finally spoke up. "Are you sure everything is all right?" he asked Bryan.

"Yeah," Bryan replied. "It's just my drunk girlfriend trying to run me over."

As if it happens every day, or something.

Q & A And Other Stuff

I'm sitting here writing when I should be working on a little homework that I have. But I feel like writing, so fuck it.

First of all, I wanna say thanks to everyone that left me comments on the post before last. I was surprised and encouraged at the support I got from everyone. It meant a lot to me.

Ms. Cherie, to answer your question, I really don't mind that Shawn has a girlfriend. I've seen a picture of her and she is very pretty, and he seems to enjoy his time with her. He doesn't tell me much about their relationship or anything, but my daughter cheerfully informed me that they can talk on the phone for HOURS. LOL. I'm glad he's found someone to focus his attention on. He deserves someone that appreciates him.

My first day of school was awesome. It was nice connecting with old friends. Sitting in the classrooms was hard, because I haven't done that in so long, but otherwise it was fine. It was nice to have something different to focus my attention on.

Kristi S---why in hell aren't you in school this semester???

Everything else seems to be fine. Bryan and I are getting along pretty well. We are struggling with one issue and unfortunately it's a private one. I wish I could share it here, but I can't. I hope we can get through it. He spent the night last night. We've had a couple of bickering sessions, but nothing serious because we catch ourselves before we get really mad. So far, this has worked wonders. He even offered to take my car to go get worked on tomorrow while I'm in school. Like he doesn't have enough to do already, but I sure appreciate it.

I have two chapters to read for my Cognitive Behavior Therapy class and some notes to take, so I guess I had better get started on that. We're supposed to pick one thing about ourselves that we would like to change and apply a therapy to it to make it work. I already have a lot of things about myself that I would like to change, but I think I'm going to focus on yelling. I am a yeller. This only gets people more excited. It's better to be calm. But if anyone else has any better ideas, I'm definitely listening.

I Took a Personality Test Today

Extraversion	||||||||||||||||	66%
Stability	||||	16%
Orderliness	||||||||||||||	56%
Accommodation	||||||||||||||||||	76%
Interdependence	||||||||||||	43%
Intellectual	||||||||||	36%
Mystical	||||||||||||	43%
Artistic	||||||||||||	43%
Religious	||||||||||	36%
Hedonism	||||||||||||	50%
Materialism	||||||||||||||||	63%
Narcissism	||||||||||||||	56%
Adventurousness	||||||||||||||||||||	83%
Work ethic	||||||||||||||||	70%
Self absorbed	||||||||||||	43%
Conflict seeking	||||||||||||	50%
Need to dominate	||||||||||||||	56%

Romantic	||||||||||||	50%
Avoidant	||||||||||||||	56%
Anti-authority	||||||||||||||||	70%
Wealth	||||||||||	36%
Dependency	||||||||||	36%
Change averse	||||||||||||||||	70%
Cautiousness	||||||||||||||||||||	83%
Individuality	||||||||||||||||	70%
Sexuality	||||||||||||	50%
Peter pan complex	||||||||||	36%
Physical security	||	10%
Physical fitness	||	10%
Histrionic	||||||||||||||||||	76%
Paranoia	||||||||||||||||	63%
Vanity	||||||	23%
Hypersensitivity	||||||||||||||||	70%
Female cliche	||||||||||||||||	63%

Stability results were very low which suggests you are extremely worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.

Orderliness results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun.

Extraversion results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

trait snapshot:
open, tough, irritable, worrying, does not like to be alone, craves attention, low self control, emotionally sensitive, interacting, sad, very social, aggressive, prefer organized to unpredictable, dependent, social chameleon, suspicious, values the heart over the mind, likes large parties, outgoing, likes to make fun, likes to fit in, mildly phobic, vain, makes friends easily, enjoys leadership, clingy, rash.


*Whaddya think? Is it me? Um, I think it's almost pretty much on the mark.

And More Changes....

I start school in a little under twelve hours. I cannot wait.

I feel like my life is really going back to normal again. Things are still different, though.

For starters, my husband has a girlfriend. I am back in my old house and broke as ever. I am back on my medication and facing reality for the first time in a while. I am sober and rational, most of the time. And I am struggling with relationship issues, which is something I haven't had to worry about in a long time.

I can't wait to go back to school and start exercising again. I don't care if lose any weight, I just want to feel healthier. I can't wait to start my exercising my brain again...I feel like I'm slowly going retarded. I need to keep better care of my house and my things, and be more responsible with the money I DO have. Right now I suck at this.

I can't believe how much I have to face up to now. I have made such a huge mess of things. It's like I've been sleepwalking since May and now that I'm awake, I feel like I'm standing next to a smoking pile of ashes that happens to be my life and the lives of those around me. I feel like I could have handled everything so differently. I feel like I'm the one who poured the gas and lit the match.

I have finally realized that I cannot dwell on what a fuck up I have been. I have to focus on cleaning up the mess so that it doesn't affect anyone else anymore. My own father is still not really speaking to me, and half of my family refuses to have anything to do with me because of my relationship with Bryan. (Thank you, cousins, for not demanding the same thing. I don't think I could handle any more ultimatums.) I keep plodding on as I always do, but it still sucks. I used to be the golden child, the most reliable, the one with her head on straight. I guess my mean, drunk sister would be happy to hear that I have been dethroned. Well, fuck her.

So right now my focus is on repairing relationships, especially the one I have with myself. I am so disappointed in myself that it makes me sick; but at the same time, when I look back on it, I knew it was only a matter of time before I broke and did something really stupid and avoided responsibility for a while. I live under a lot of pressure because I am a Type A personality and I think I just wanted to avoid reality for a while. However, the way I treated my husband and especially my daughter is deplorable. I am really ashamed of myself and I am admitting it here, in this public forum. And fuck those of you who judge me, because you really don't know me, and you have no idea what this is like.

I feel as if I am moving closer to my happy place. I have been feeling peaceful lately, as if I know everything is going to be okay. I haven't felt like this in months. Peaceful. Somewhat settled. And it will get better and better.

As for my relationship with Bryan, it's moving along as best as could be expected. He is putting forth a major effort right now, as am I. We just spent three wonderful, peaceful, fight free nights together and talked a lot about our relationship. We both know it's going to be a struggle, but we also both understand that we need to be a lot more accepting of each other. I have actually started to repeat what he says to me back to him, just to be absolutely sure that I understand what he's saying to me. (That just shows how badly we communicate sometimes.) When he gets done talking I tell him, "Okay, what I'm hearing you say is that...." I have found that this works, because he is a literal talker and I am an analyzer. This makes for MISERABLE communication. He says EXACTLY what he means, yet I sit and analyze it and go over it with a fine tooth comb for HOURS and usually I end up totally misunderstanding him. He doesn't get me either, because I like to talk in circles. During the time we spent together, we both practiced patience. It worked. I don't honestly know how long it will last, but right now, it sure is nice.

We are also working on a project together, for him. I am not going to mention it here, because it really isn't something I should share, but his close friends know what I'm talking about. We spent hours on it last night and tomorrow night we're going to work on it some more. I am really excited for him and I am glad I get to share in this experience.

I need to go to sleep now, it's almost three in the morning and I am very, very tired. I went to Bryan's house tonight and ended up hanging out with him and Dave, watching TV, which I never do. I have never hung out at his house more than three times. Then I took Dave home and came home, and I am exhausted. I didn't expect to be there that long.

So, I am off, with a little more optimism and a whole lot more hope. I hope that tomorrow is as good of a day as I think it's going to be.

Fuck You if You Dont Like It

I changed my music on my page. Kiss my ass if you think it's corny. It is, but it's how I feel. I'll get over it. Soon. But for now....

The Next Episode

I know everyone is just sitting around wondering what in the hell is going on with me. The truth is, I don't know. I mean, I feel a little bit at peace, but not by much. But I don't feel extremely stressed out either. I am little peeved at the moment, but I am sure that will go away, too. The truth is, I have hardly left my room at all today and I haven't really eaten in a couple of days. I am enjoying the cool breeze that is coming through my window, even though my feet are cold, and I want to go rake up a bunch of leaves and jump in them. Or something. Take a shower. Eat something hot. Go somewhere. But I am resting for the first time in months. Boredom is beginning to settle in now.

I found out about a week ago that my husband's parents found my blog online and have been reading it since June. So when they came to visit at the end of June, they already knew about Bryan and eveything else, yet they didn't say anything while they were here. I am so embarassed I want to die, but at the same time, even though I didn't expect them to actually find it, I knew there was a chance that they would. They talked to Shawn and everything, he didn't really get into great detail about their conversation. But now they know more than I would ever tell them.

Last night I did talk to Bryan. It was my idea to take some days off away from each other so that I can focus on me, which is what I am trying hard to do right now. Obviously, I have some issues to focus on. I miss him terribly, but at the same time, I know this is the right thing to do. I talked him out of totally giving up on our relationship, but he did make it clear that he wanted to be able to see other people if he wanted to. When I didn't respond to that, he made the statement that he knew I didn't like it. I said I didn't like it, but I DID understand it. He knows he's not going to find someone to love him more or treat him better, but he COULD find someone he won't fight with as much. So now I have to really practice patience. I know I bitch about him a lot in this thing, but he's come a very long way in a short time...there's no reason why I can't put forth the same effort.

What would make him (AND EVERYONE ELSE) happy is if we could just have a stress free family type relationship. I have kept Alexa distanced from us because of the fighting and other things that were going on this summer. It didn't do me any good, because she started acting up in school and other things. So, like I said, I am taking this time to focus on her and me. She must have really missed me being in the house because she's been in my room with me most of the day. We've been painting and working on homework. This is part of the reason I feel peaceful right now, like I'm finally doing the right thing. Someone I love very much pointed out to me that he's been my main focal point lately, and she's right. I knew it before she said it. He's even said it to me. But I so badly didn't want to lose him that I failed to realize I was losing myself in the process. So, like I said, we're going to try and hang out later this week, but no sooner than Thursday at least. We've chatted a little bit online here and there. Too much contact would surely spoil it. Besides, I don't want to take him for granted.

Tomorrow I have to go up to the school and pick up Alexa's homework, take the dog to the vet to be fixed, and pick up my books for school. I have some cleaning to do around the house still, too, so I am hoping that having to get up early in the morning will keep me motivated all day. Tonight I have to haul a bunch of junk out of here and take the trash out, and I have a ton of dishes sitting in the sink. (Boy do I miss that dishwasher.) I also need to go grocery shopping...I have absolutely nothing to eat. Yesterday, I had a handful of Pringles and today I had a handful of Chex Mix. Alexa made me lunch but I didn't feel like eating. Hopefully by tonight that will change.

So I am sitting here, being optimistic. It is nice to be able to write again. I have had no outlet for months. So I will probably write a lot, at least until I get busy next week with school. I can hardly wait. I am cautious about my relationship, also, and trying not to set my standards too high. I keep forgetting that I cannot pressure him like I could a guy my age. He's just too young. So I have to let him do what he wants to do, but one thing I know for sure is that he does care about me. He rarely says he loves me, but he does. If he didn't, he would have dropped the ball on me yesterday.

I need a life!!!