Sad things

This is a picture of my old, old friend Angie and her husband Ethan and their children, minus one.

I have been frustrated with Angie for many reasons lately, mostly because ever since she married Ethan (in 2003) she has suddenly become as lazy and dependent as you can be. Before she met Ethan, she worked, paid her own bills, and was very independent. Then she met him, popped out two more kids in less than two year's time, and suddenly the word "job" became a bad word.

Don't get me wrong. It's not his fault. He's a very lazy, needy, and codependent person also but she can make her own choices and it's her responsibility to look after herself. For the last two years, they have been living a life of "gimme gimme gimme" and "take take take". They have also been playing the "blame game", blaming everyone and everything else for the fact that they have no money, no jobs, they've been kicked off of state assistance several times, and on and on. So, somehow, protective services became involved with them and all hell has broken loose.

Angie's mother called me to see if I would accompany Angie to court today. Her worker petitioned the court to remove the children due to neglect. I told Angie to be cool, and be polite, and I would go. She promised she would, but as soon as I got there, she was mouthing off to everyone...the lawyers, the social worker, just everyone in a position of authority. Then, her worker asked Ethan to come outside and speak to her for a minute. He did, and as soon as he stepped out of the room two cops ran up and handcuffed him and took him away. (He had a warrant out for his arrest for violating probation. He was convicted of a DUI and evidently refused to go to counseling. That was part of the neglect case.) Angie began shaking and crying and I tried to calm her, but it was hard because I really felt no sympathy for her. This was their doing. Finally, they got called in to the court room. I was so tense I could hardly sit still. Her mother and I chatted quietly about the situation.

Before I go any further, I guess I should explain some of the history so everyone doesn't think I am a cold hearted bitch. See, when I was a teenager, Angie, for some reason, was obsessed with calling Protective Services on me. I have no idea why, but she did often and would blame it on her mother, on Lynn, on my cousin Elizabeth but I knew it was her. She has a very serious mental problem and I guess I just kind of brushed it off, as she sat there protesting her innocence to me time and time again. I'm not kidding about this, people. I can't tell you how many times Protective Services would show up at my job and claim that someone called them and accused me of beating my daughter. Angie gave herself away, though, because one night I was at her house and we cooked dinner together. At the time, my daughter hated carrots but I made her eat them anyway. That night, we had steamed carrots and I gave her a small portion of them which she refused to eat. I told her she was going to sit at the table until she finished her carrots. She cried and threw a fit but I did not budge. The next day, when Protective Services showed up, the first thing they said was, "We had a call that you were telling someone that you were going to beat "the hell" out of your daughter if she didn't eat her dinner." Which was not the situation at all. None of the phone calls she ever made were substantiated, but it took me a few years to realize that she felt she needed the attention. She has done other things, too. Like the time that I was going through a hard time with PWF and she called him on the phone and told him everything I said about him after a heated argument. When I found out about it, I called her on it, and told her I was going to beat her fucking ass for going behind my back. She then called the police, told them where I was at, and said that I had threatened to go over there and "kill her." Sure enough, I got pulled over by the police, but after they searched my car, they let me go. When I called her up to yell at her about it, she made the comment: "You threatened murder in front of my children." (I did say, "I wish he would die" or "I just wanna fucking kill him" or something like that.) I didn't speak to her for a long time after that, and our friendship has never really been the same as it once was. I've known her since I was 14 years old but things are not the same. I am going in one direction, she's going in another.

So the whole point of that was, that I did not feel sorry for her while I waited for her to come out of the courtroom. After the things she had put me through, I was hoping for vindication of some kind, I guess, and I know that's bad to say but it's true. She has been using, abusing and manipulating the system for so long that it's hard for me to identify with her. So I waited and watched her kids play (they are 7, 2, and 1) and lost myself in my own thoughts.

Then the door to the courtroom burst open and Angie walked out, red faced and crying. She yelled over her shoulder to her caseworker, "I fucking hate you. I fucking hate you. I hope you know that." At that moment, I knew that her children were going to be taken and my heart dropped down into my stomach like a concrete block. I quickly looked the other way as she ran to her babies, sobbing, and crying, "I love you, I love you," to them over and over again. Within seconds, the police were there, prying her children out of her arms as her two year old began to scream and cry, "Mommy! Mommy!" and throw a fit. They hustled them off to another room and slammed the door. I stood up and looked over at her mother, who was crying also. (She has Parkinson's Disease and is able to care for her 7 year old but is not capable of handling the babies, who, at the moment, were being ushered off to foster care.) I found myself crying too, at the godawful pain she must have felt at that moment, watching her children being yanked away from her and a door slammed in her face. I could not stop crying, but I walked behind her as she ran down the hall of the courthouse, sobbing. A woman police officer, who looked like she was going to throw up, tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I was with her. I said that I was, and she asked me to stay with her so that she would be all right, and I said I would. As we walked out of the room, I noticed that everyone else that was waiting in there were crying as well. It was a loud, emotional scene. When Angie and I got outside, I put my arms around her and hugged her tight. I didn't have anything to say. What could I have said?

Once she calmed down a little, I told her that she has to think as positively as possible. That there is no where else to go from here but up. It can't get any worse than losing all your children and your husband in one day. Her initial reaction to my advice wasn't exactly positive, but I understand that. Then I had to leave to go to class, and I felt like absolute shit.

The point I am trying to make is that I cannot believe that I, as a person, would ever wish someone to go through that something that emotionally painful. I need to talk to God, because the anger and resentment I have in my heart for Angie has taken over any empathy I could possibly have with her, with the exception of when it first happened. Now, I feel kid of deadened to it, if that makes sense. I don't like lies and I don't like betrayal, but what I don't like even more is not finding the capacity to forget. I don't like that quality in myself. I want to let go of the anger and the bullshit so I can be a better friend to her. She needs me now. I just want to be able to try and help her with nothing but good intentions. That is, if she's willing to help herself for once. Maybe this is what it will take. Sad, but true.

So now I'm off to bed, but not before I creep into my daughter's room and hug her and kiss her and tell her that she's "awesome" (as she so frequently refers to herself.) Children are so precious. They are such a gift. It's sad that some people don't understand that until it's too late.