All Kinds Of Stuff

I can't really write too much about what I've been doing lately, as it's considered illegal in thirty states, but I have been so busy that I find myself with very little time to write. I wonder if this can be good, since writing is like a catharsis for me, but I should be expending my energy on writing at least one of the three research papers I have due this semester. I got my invite to the luncheon that they hold in honor of students with GPA's of 4.0, so I will be doing that next month after much anticipation. I am hanging the letter on the bulletin board in my office to keep me motivated. I seem to be focused on other things this semester rather than my work, which is really disturbing to me because I know I will get the A's I so desire...but I may kill myself at the last minute attempting it. I need to get on the ball and quit letting life (and having a good time) get in my way. But, oh, I have been having such a good time. I feel like a 22 year old college student again.

Last Friday, I had an altercation (this time NOT my fault!) with someone who I care about a lot. He had every right to feel the way he felt at the time, but his method of telling me really fucking sucked. It was very emotional (and boy, was I pissed off!) but more than anything, I felt the need to reach this person and assure him that I am not the antichrist. I think I did, eventually, after hours of trying... at least I hope I did. The next day, Saturday, was really hard for me because I walked around in a constant state of remembering the person that I used to be, and the pain that I have inflicted on others either intentionally or unintentionally. I didn't use to be a very good person. This person that I had an altercation with knew me at the peak of my meanness...but I was only a child. A confused, messed up, abused, neglected, lonely child. That does not excuse the things I did, but it provides a base for understanding, I guess. Anyway, I felt funky all day Saturday. I guess that I am so happy with myself now, and so secure in my sense of self, that I don't like to be reminded of what I was. However, I have to own up to it, and face it, and that is what I have tried to do. It is me, it is part of my history, and no amount of apologizing can really make up for the pain (and other things) that I caused. I understand this now.

So, Saturday night, we went out with a group of people, this person included, and we had a really good time except for that I drank way too much. I guess I was trying to quiet my inner self, which kept reminding me that I used to be a piece of shit. All day long I thought about it and when we got to the bar, I played pool, and darts, and then drank too much. (About 7 Coronas and eight or nine shots of Tequila.) The end result was, all my friends laughed at me and I got very aggressive. Once, when James (Lynn's husband) and I were standing by the door getting ready to leave, some guy walked by and literally shoved James out of his way. I yelled, without hesitation, "Don't push him, you fucking piece of shit!" Thank God for Lynn, because when the guy turned around and said, "What?!" she just laughed and waved him off. We rode with them to the bar, so on the way home I told my husband to "take a long jump off a short bridge." Yes, it's funny, but I can guarantee I won't drink like that again for a long while. All I want to do is fight when I'm that inebriated, and that is no fun.

That picture above is a picture of me taken a few days ago. I edited it some, lightened it up a bit, because it was very dark, but it shows how short my hair is. I also took some more pics with my digital cam that I will be posting here soon. I'm off to "work" now. (heh heh)