End of the Road.....?

Well, despite my best efforts to keep my life on a positive note, this roller coaster life of mine just will not come to a complete stop. I no longer feel like detailing everything on this website, just because I am tired of venting my pain to no avail.

All that I will say is that things are not as bad as they could be. Nor are they are bad as they have been in the past. Things are....just the way they are, although this time I feel that a major change is coming at me like a runaway train in the dark. I can't help but get run over by it, but at least I have some time to prepare for the worst case scenario. And the worst case scenario....could be...worse. I can't lie and pretend that I never saw this coming, because I did. My sense of people is very keen, and I can usually sense when something is going to happen long before it does, such as what's happening right now. I'm sad, and upset, and angry, and frustrated...but at least I understand it. Well, most of it. I'm not sitting here throwing coke up my nose or drinking my life away or popping pills like candy...but I am devastated, heartbroken, sick with loss. I knew it was coming. Now I just have to cope with it.

All I want is to have my life back. I just want my life back.

Important Information

As most of you know, I read several blogs on a daily basis. Sometimes not so daily, but I always go back and read anything that I may have missed. Today I was reading one of my blogs and came across a post about how important it is to take care of your mental health. My mental health is something I have been neglecting for a while, mostly due to lack of insurance or resources, but I am slowly turning it around and trying to get the help I need. I struggle with major depression and panic disorder as well, I just don't talk about it much for the same reasons that Dooce addresses in her post--the stigma attached to it, and the fear of admitting failure. But her post put things into perspective, and I related to it. If you're interested, please click here.

New Year, New Face

Well, it's 2008. I have been waiting for this year for a LONG time.

BUSHIE will finally be out of office. I am counting down the days.

8 is my favorite number.

I am now well into my thirties.

Bryan and I are going into our second year together.

I hope this year brings us many good things. We are ready for some positivity. Things have been difficult lately, although NOT impossible. We both have positive attitudes and are ready to move even further away from all the negativity that has surrounded us for so long. Now that we are in Florida, we realize that we really should be back up north, so we are slowly but surely preparing for a move closer to Michigan, although we will never again live in Michigan. (I think it's one of the only states in a recession right now.) We are thinking about Cincinnati, Ohio, Northern Kentucky area. This gives us something to look forward to.

This is my year for self improvement. I intend to shed the rest of this weight, get healthier, and tackle some personal issues that I need to take care of. I also intend to continue my education and FINALLY get into a field that's stable, doing something that I truly love. Recruiting is a great job, but in this market, it's hard to convince a client to pay me a fee for finding them an employee that they can find on their own for free. It's sad, but it's just the way the country is right now. When you're paying damn near $4.00 a gallon for gas, it just doesn't make sense to pay a headhunter to do a job you can do on your own. I am going to finish my degree (finally) and get into the medical field so that my family never again has to worry about money or finances. The last two years have been very hard, full of pitfalls and lessons I learned the hard way, so now I'm ready to just take it easy on myself and go full speed ahead on self improvement. The last two months have been fairly difficult for us. I developed an ulcer and have some other health problems. While they're not serious, they are the result of years of neglect, eating bad, smoking, and my little off and on drug binges. I am still a big proponent of weed, but I am taking a break from it for several reasons.

I am really looking forward to all the changes that are ahead for us. Bryan and I are growing closer by the day and it looks like marriage may be in the distant future..maybe in another two years or so. A lot of people ask me when we are going to have children. The answer to that is NOT RIGHT NOW. Even though my biological clock is ticking loudly, and I find it necessary to remind him of that fact, neither one of us are ready for the full time responsibility of taking care of an infant of our own. We love spending time with Isabella and Ro-Man, as I call him, and that satisfies my mommy yearnings for now.

This year Bryan is going to finish high school. He is only half a semester away, and then he is going to try and pursue his passion for music behind the scenes. He is looking forward to learning a trade so he doesn't have to take crap jobs anymore, and I admit it will be nice to supplement my income with another income bracket closer to mine. He is a hard worker and faithfully pays the bills, and now he is recognizing his need for more spending money. The only way he can do that is to educate himself.

Alexa enjoys being in a bigger school, and she is involved in volunteer activities, which she seems to really enjoy. Right now her favorite thing to do is to volunteer at a local nursing home, reading to Alzheimer patients. I am proud of the young lady she is becoming, even though her mouth sometimes gets the best of her.

We have our bad moments when we don't think we will make it. I still struggle with my bipolar disorder and depression, but there is no longer any kind of substance abuse issue and hasn't been for a very long time. Moving to Florida seemed to diminish Bryan's need to party all the time....he seems to know now that it's time to grow up. And even though I sometimes crave mood altering substances, I am strong willed enough to avoid it altogether. I feel that we have too much going for us to ruin it now. Everything is not peaches and roses every day, but the point is that we have learned our lessons from the past and we are not making the same mistakes over and over again.

2006 was our beginning year. If I had one word to describe it, I would call it HELL. 2007 was our year of trials and tribulations. Literally. And 2008 will be just as I described it...the year of the Bowailey.

With Love,
Mz Bowailey

New Addition To The Family!

These are pictures of my new great nephew, Roman Giovanni, who entered this godforsaken world on November 27 at 8:13 AM. He is a cuddly little bundle of joy who hardly ever makes a sound and we just love him. We already have a nickname for him, which is "Man Babe"...since we already call his big sister, Bella, "Babe." Enjoy the pics!
Got milk?

Me, my crazy hair, and this beautiful boy.

What kind of a baby smiles on the first day of life? One in our family, of course!

Me and Roman in his little gangster baby gear.

Mom and Roman. His face looks like that because he has long nails and he scratched his face up a little in the womb, but he's aight. :)

Dad and Roman.

Babe and Man Babe.

The Babes are sleeping.

Catching Up In Pictures

It's been so long since I've updated this blog. I haven't hardly done any writing at all, because I've been so busy. Taking care of this house and working and being a parent really does take up most of my time. WOW. Who would've thought I would have NO time to write?

I decided to update this blog with pics of me and my co workers and Bryan. I can't say where I work or what I do, just because I need to protect my own privacy from haters that are related to me and protect the privacy of these people as well.

I love them all! They are like my family. There are some pics that didn't make it to my blog, but maybe I'll post them later. These were all taken at the very end of September, when we had our picnic. Bryan came and cooked on the big grill for everyone, since no one in the office wanted to do it. We had a blast all day, hanging out and eating and just having fun. We barely worked at all that day! The next day after that, we had a bachelorette party for one of the girls who got married last month. It was so much fun!!!!

All I do is work, take care of the house, and make sure Alexa has what she needs. She made the junior varsity basketball team this year and I really can't wait to start going to the games. She is getting good grades in school and seems to enjoy the bigger environment that she is in. (It's much more diverse.) She is really growing up, and it's kind of scary.

On another note, I got a letter from my other daughter, who was adopted at birth almost ten years ago. She and her mother both wrote me a letter and said they would like to speak to me. I am so nervous! I haven't seen either one of my children for almost ten years. It made me very happy, but I am not sure how to approach it yet. I did get some updated pics of them, and they are so big! She looks JUST like her dad while my son looks JUST like me. I just don't know what to say. Apparently, my daughter has some questions regarding her adoption and since I really don't know her, I'm not sure what to say. She wants to meet me and they think I still live in Michigan, so I have to handle that as well. I will update this blog when I do make that call, which I anticipate doing this weekend.

Anyway, everything is going well. I am very happy and content at this point in my life. I still deal with anxiety and depression, but on a much smaller scale. Now I throw myself into work when I feel myself getting blue, and it works. I use the weekends to reconnect with myself and to clean house and spend time with Alexa, since Bryan works in the mornings on the weekend. Things with him could not be better. I cannot tell you how much I love this little person who has evolved from a major league fuck up to a responsible and caring adult. You would have thought the world was ending for both of us two weeks ago, when I had to go out of town on business for two days. I cried when I left because I am such a homebody and I didn't want to leave my family. Bryan was choked up, too. It was really hard sleeping without him and being without him, but I learned a lot about my industry while I was gone and it helped me revive my career. Everything was that much better when I returned home.

So, that's it in a nutshell. We are eagerly anticipating the arrival of my new great nephew who should be making his appearance right around the 27th of this month. Last week I went out and spent some money on him, buying him clothes and diapers and other essentials. It made me really long for one of my own. I just can't wait for him to get here so I can cuddle and spoil. I love being an aunt, albeit a "GREAT aunt", and Bryan loves the role, too. We are so family oriented! I can't wait until December 8th, which is when Dave is flying down to see us. In the meantime, we are preparing for the holiday season and Alexa's 14th birthday, which falls on Thanksgiving this year. Everything is wonderful!
This is our Admin Assistant. She's a ball of fire, man. Thick New York accent, tough, great sense of humor. I love her to death.
Me and one of my coworkers at the bar, probably after the buzz set in. I have been to the bar TWICE in the last eight months, and this night was different because I was out with the girls from my office and not Bryan. I had so much fun! I drank a little too much but not TOO much. We are going to have to go out again.
Me and another one of my coworkers. We were at a beachside bar, so the wind was blowing out hair all around. It made us look like models. LOL
Me and the bachelorette of honor. Can you say, "Sondra has a buzz"?
Me and Bryan at the picnic. SUCH a change from last year. SUCH a change.

I'm not sure who took this pic, but I love it because Bryan looks so cute in it. I don't know what my deal is lately, but I can't get enough of him, if you know what I mean. He's tired, folks, but I'm still ready to keep on going...and going...and going...and going.

Until Next Time,
Mz Bowailey

What's Up

I took this picture about three and a half years ago. Shawn and I were driving over to his parent's house and suddenly this little guy jumped out of the vent and into his lap. He didn't like that too much, and after I stopped laughing hysterically, I pulled over to try and help the little guy go back to nature. He didn't want to, so when we got to Shawn's parent's house, I recruited Alexa to get him out of the car. She showed absolutely no fear, coaxed the little guy out of the car, and didn't even complain when he peed in her hand. She set him out in the grass and away he went. I still wonder how he got in the car in the first place? I took this picture while we were parked because he jumped back into the air conditioning vent so we turned the air on full blast and he got stuck. Poor guy.

This week was interesting. Last Sunday night I had an attack of pain on my right side that was so intense and so painful that I couldn't breathe or speak. I walked around in circles, thinking it might be gas, but it didn't go away so I laid down on the couch on my stomach and it kind of went away a little bit. I felt drained and shitty afterward, so on Tuesday when I went to work, I worked a half a day and then came home and slept half the afternoon. On Wednesday morning, I woke up all tied up with anxiety, thrashing and tossing and turning, still not feeling well. I was crying hysterically so Bryan called my boss and told her that he was taking me to the ER. When we got there they hooked me up to all kinds of machines and put oxygen in my nose. Once they figured out that I didn't suffer a minor heart attack, as was originally thought, they determined through a urinalysis that I am having trouble with my gallbladder, which would explain the attack of pain I had. They gave me some medicine but I have to follow up with it. I spent the rest of the day Wednesday in bed and when I woke up Thursday I had some of my energy back. The last two days of the work week were uneventful but I am looking forward to going back on Monday so I can get myself back on track.

Eating is no longer fun, because certain things cause me a lot of pain. I don't know yet what to avoid, besides the obvious, like fast food, so it's kind of trial and error. I had steak and salad the other day and that really caused me some pain, but not until 2:00 in the morning. Let me tell you how much fun that was. I am getting really sick of all these medical problems but they're all piling up because I don't have medical insurance yet so I'm just kind of neglecting myself until I can afford my medications and the doctor visits. My energy level is very low, I have headaches a lot, and I am really swelling up from not having my thyroid medicine. I am not gaining any weight, however, I do look like I am because I am retaining so much water. I weigh myself about once a month and I have gained nine pounds since I've been in Florida but THAT'S IT. The reason why I'm not gaining huge amounts of weight right now is because I am off of my prescribed mood stabilizer, and that particular medicine does cause dramatic weight gain. Too bad I know this now instead of four years ago when I began taking it regularly. I gained something like 70 pounds or so, but I've lost most of that since I quit taking it. I am struggling with it right now because I know I am supposed to be taking something, but I just can't afford it, so as soon as my insurance kicks in, which will be early next month, I'll be making appointments all over the place. I really can't wait. Not only that, but I finally have dental coverage so I'll be getting my teeth professionally cared for for the first time in...fourteen years? Yeah, fourteen years. W O W. I guess I better get over the fear of dentists, because I'll bet you anything that a few painful procedures are ahead of me.

Well, that's it for an update for now.

Later,
Mz Bowailey

BUSY!

Does anyone else see the resemblance? LOL

Sorry that I haven't updated for a while. I've been working on another project and kind of abandoning my own personal journal. Today I decided it was finally time to update.

The job is going great! I am a whole different person than I was at this time a year ago. I cannot tell everyone how good it feels to go to work and be able to buy the things I need when I need them. My car has decided to go to shit, but it doesn't worry me because I know I can get a new car if I need one, with my OWN money. My bills are finally paid and now I feel like I can start fresh with everything. Bryan is finally working, and he couldn't be happier. He's making more money per hour than he's ever made, and he's making new friends. He hasn't earned a paycheck in a year, and I've already lost track of all the things he's going to do with his paycheck. (Gimme some money! Gimme some money! LOL) Our schedule works out great. On Mondays and Tuesdays, he has to be to work at 7, so I just get up early and get ready for work and take him to work and hang out at the house by myself until I have to leave, which isn't until about a quarter after eight. Then I pick him up on my lunch hour. Then he has Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday off which allows him the time to run errands and other such things that I hate to do. For instance, one errand that he has to run this week is GROCERY SHOPPING, something we have both agreed that we CANNOT do together. I can't stand the grocery store and Bryan likes to take his time, so I handed that chore over to him. On Saturdays I get up and take him to work at 7 or 8, then I come home and clean the house...dusting, baseboards, dishes if there are any, laundry, floors, etc. That usually takes me a few hours, and then when he comes in we make dinner and hang out. On Sundays, when I take him to work, I try to find something to do. Last Sunday I took Serra and Bella out to brunch, which was a lot of fun. Can't do that this week because I'm too broke, or I would.

Being in a routine has really done wonders for the state of my mental health. I cannot lie in bed at all. I've tried. It's Monday, Labor Day, my day off, and here it is 7:35 A.M. and I've been up for an hour. I'm raring to go! I don't like sleeping in too late anymore. Most of the time I'm up by 7:30 on days that I don't have to work, and that is just fine with me. I had all of 2006 to lie around and sleep until three o clock in the afternoon. Now I try to find productive things to do. It improves my well being to feel that I'm accomplishing things. I call it "Sondra Therapy." LOL. Hey, I know what works for me.

Things are not perfect, and I don't know if they ever will be, but they ARE perfect compared to where I started from. I am happy and I feel stable and settled for the first time in a long time. Bryan and I are homesick like hell and being away from everyone is really miserable. Every day we wish we could be back at home. But we both know that we wouldn't have gotten this far at home. We had to change our environment. Moving down here has saved our relationship, and I guess it was just something we felt we had to do. Now that we're here, we're finally a normal, stable, and functioning team. I really want to start my own business someday, so there is a remote possibility that we will end up going back home, but not right now. I have a great job with wonderful benefits and I work with the best people I've ever worked with. I feel like we are part of a family. I've been open with my boss about my past: the drug use, the fighting, everything. That took some pressure off of me because, as it turns out, everyone that I work with has went through something similar. Now we just apply all that negative energy to work, which is why we are all moderately successful and good at what we do. Like my boss said at our meeting on Friday: everyone here has their own talent. I enjoy working and I look forward to going to work most of the time. It is NICE to be able to work. I appreciate every day now.

So that's it on the life of the Bowaileys. Everything is settled down and now my relationship is finally where I want it to be. Life, for the moment, is good.

Happily,
Mz Bowailey