Broken?

Sometimes, it's really hard for me to sit and write because it makes me reflect on the things that have brought me to where I'm at today. As I get older, I realize how a lot of things that happened to me when I was younger had a factor in shaping who I am today. It's not all good. In my twenties, I dealt with my issues by suppressing them because I thought it was over. As I hit my thirties, I realized that all the issues that have been untouched for so long are coming to the surface and I have no choice but to deal with them.

Now, I have anxiety and panic attacks daily. I don't leave my house unless it is absolutely necessary. I create an environment that I am comfortable in and I stay there. Unlike a few years ago, when I was fat as hell and mad at the world, I cannot go out into the world unless I feel one hundred percent ready to. I feel like as soon as I step outside of my front door, there will be vultures circling me, ready to attack me. This is probably a result of years of emotional neglect...well, basically all my life. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that I am so introverted from others because I don't trust them. Not one single person in my life has ever given me what I needed from them, except for my best friend Daniel....but that is another story. Trying to squeeze just ONE OUNCE of love from these terrible men that I choose to be in relationships with has consumed my life. All I ever wanted was to be loved. When I look at how I grew up, I realize that I probably never really had that. I was the product of an extramarital affair that my gold digging father had with my mother. He was willing to risk his life, his marriage, my sister, everything, just because my mother's parents were wealthy. My mother was not mentally complete herself, and he used that as a way to bully her. Eventually she gave up on life, and I can understand that. However, without a mother in my life, I have searched for that bond all these years and thought I could find it with men.

Everyone seems to want to know what I can do for them, not what they can do for me, not that I want anything from anyone, because I don't. I choose not to communicate with most humans because I truly believe that if they could fuck me over they would. Curtis is the one who finally broke me. I hate him for that, but at the same time, it needed to happen so that I could finally face reality. People who actually love you are rare. And people will lie as long as they can to get what they want. And some people are REALLY good at telling you what they think you want to hear. Curtis is one of those, and I fell for it hook, line and sinker. I'm trying to deal with it, but it's really a shitty reality to face to know that the one person who you thought was "different" is just just like the rest of them, only worse. Our relationship has calmed down from what it used to be, we're kind of like an old married couple, settling down, eating dinners together, raising our son, and spending time with family. But now I just feel NUMB. All my life I wanted to stop feeling so much, I had way too many feeeeelings, and I wished to be numb. Now I am, and it does me no good, because he is in my life everyday. I have to be a family for the sake of my son, but I feel absolutely nothing for pretty much anyone anymore except my kids. I just don't feel. The only thing I feel anymore is anxiety and nervousness. Nothing hurts my feelings. I can't remember the last time I looked at Curtis and felt love. Now I just feel...committed. Committed to honestly attempting to raise our son together, who needs both of his parents. There was a time when I was head over heels crazy in love with him, but by the time I realized that I had fallen in love with a mirage, I was already pregnant. I have such a huge wall up on him....I've never had a wall on anyone before. But he really hurt me, devastated me and that's not even the half of it. I don't know if I will ever feel the same way again. Something in my mind tells me it's just a matter of time before I strike out on my own again, this time with my son, but I am honestly trying. Only out of respect for the memory I have of loving him so much. When I look at my son, I only see the part of Curtis that I fell madly in love with. I don't look at him and see what it has become, because I don't want to have any major regrets.

So is this what happens when people break? The feeling of being numb? There is no depression over the loss of my relationship with Curtis or really for anything else. Just shame because I shouldn't have been so stupid. I made things a lot harder on myself by not facing reality, only because I wanted that love SO much. And it's not just him. I am also having issues with someone who has been my friend for damn near 18 years. But when I look back on the friendship, I see that it is very one sided and always has been. I cut this person out of my life about two months ago and it has been pretty peaceful. Actually, I don't miss them at all. But when I reflect on all the time I wasted with this person, going to the ends of the earth for them, and how when MY chips were down they just stood there like, "Oh," it makes me REALLY angry. And it makes me wonder why my head has been shoved up my ass all these years, and why I felt like I needed someone in my life who has hit on every boyfriend I've ever had, came between me and my relationships intentionally, used me, ignored me, and insisted that I put them first when they didn't do that for me. Someone who stirred the pot and created drama in every situation. Someone who made me angry and upset a lot but I never showed it, for fear of losing that person. Every time I think about it I get angry. Because now I know what was best for me was to drop that friendship a LONG time ago.

I have wasted so much time and energy on things that don't matter, in a sorry attempt to make myself whole. Now I understand that that has to come from me, and that no one else is going to do that for me. I know that when I start feeling better about myself I will be an even stronger, more whole person than ever before. I try not to dwell on the things I cannot change, but I still get very disappointed and angry with myself for selling myself short. That is the reason why I have always made a perfect victim...because I put myself out there that way. Never, ever again. Now it is just about doing what is best for me and my kids. Even though Alexa is 18 now, she still depends on me for guidance and to be an example. And I do not want my kids to ever, ever sell themselves short like I have. That's why every day I tell them how much I love them, how smart they are, etc. They need to know how much their mom loves them so they don't go out into the world seeking that security in other ways, like I did.

Thank you God, if you really are there, for giving me the gift of my children...all four of them. The twins are still my babies, even if someone else is raising them. They all bring me the greatest joy and I would rather spend my time with them than anyone else. I love them with all my heart.

Oh, Sweet Solitude

I REALLY wish I could spend some time alone! For a person like me, who hates being around people in general, being around them constantly is really starting to wear on me. Of course, having a fifteen month old who insists on going everywhere you go, eating everything you eat, and clings to your pants when you try to leave the room kind of limits my ability to chill out by myself.

I'm used to my son being with me every second of every day, and in fact quit my job because I couldn't bear to seperated from him. It's the adults around me that I am talking about. I'm tired of hearing unsolicited opinions. I'm tired of being nagged. I'm really tired of the selfishness. I'm tired of the complaining and the lack of responsibility. I have to vent on here because I am holding so much in that I am afraid if I don't vent I'll blow. And I can't vent to Curtis because he just gets riled up.

I just want to do things my way, in my house. In fact, it has always been my way. People who have lived with me, and do not do it my way, don't tend to last long. The reason for this is that I am seriously OCD and I don't feel like I should have to adjust or change in my own environment. I do enough of that when I step out into the real world, and it takes a huge toll on me. If I am nice enough to let you live here, then you need to do it my way or get the fuck out. When I say my way I am referring to the way I like my cupboards, no clutter on desks, etc, and I like to have control over my kitchen. Right now I am not at peace in my own environment.

So here we are....

Little Man at about 7 mos
I have not completely abandoned this blog. In fact, I go back and read it quite often. I cannot believe how much things have changed in the years that I started keeping this blog. But I guess that's the point of writing it all down!

I am now 34. I live in Michigan AGAIN and for good. I am the proud and happy mother of a beautiful boy, who at this time is almost 15 months old. I spend my days in my old two story farmhouse that I just moved into with my sister, my son, Alexa (remember her? That cute little girl who was twelve when I began this journal? Well, she's 18 now.) and Joshua's father Curtis. Yes he is the guy in the pics.

Shawn and I divorced in 2007. I left him in 2006. In all actuality, I think I just kind of lost my mind there for a while. Let me back up...

I lost one of my best, best friends in August of 2002 right after a very surprising and heartbreaking break up with my boyfriend. (Who I have written about in this blog and referred to him as PWF for panty wearing faggot. Which is ridiculous. Yes, he wore panties but so what? He was truly a good person and a very good friend. I have ruined all chances of him being my friend just by reacting to our break up the way I did.) After both of those events, I moved to Florida. When I look back on the years from 2002-2009, I think I was on some kind of seven year anger fest drug binge, and it seemed obvious that I was trying to kill myself without actually doing it. I seemed to become another person, but I didn't realize it. I guess that's part of mental illness. The beautiful part is that a lot of it is chronicled in this blog. I was so angry at everything, but didn't know how to fix it. Some of my entries are hard for me to read. Which brings me to 2006.

I met Bryan, as everyone knows. I left Shawn to become a cocaine snorting hoodrat with Bryan. I STAYED with Bryan for three years and put up with the craziest shit you can ever imagine. When I look back on it, I am like, what in the hell was I thinking? How could I have done this to my daughter? I really don't have answers to those questions. I did have a fun job at Denny's restaurant in Pensacola, and had friends, and stayed away from cocaine once I got to Florida. But still...we fought constantly and this blog is full of entries of me attempting to convince myself that he loves me so much, blah blah blah. I mean, really. He was a low level person with an IQ of six who also happened to be in trouble with the law for several occasions of inappropriateness. I can't say much more than that, so read between the lines.

Finally, in January of 2009, I woke up one morning and just felt like I had shaken off something terrible off of me. I felt free in ways that I hadn't felt before. It was like a lightbulb suddenly went off over my head. I realized that the best way for me to be happy is to live alone, have no man around, and work my job and do what I want to do. Spend my money on what I want. Not have to talk to anybody if I didn't want to. I told Bryan that I was moving on and I don't think he believed me until it happened. I shed no tears. I rented a nice enough place for Alexa and I at tax time, filled it with new and cheap furniture and was ecstatic with my freedom. I have discovered that if I am left alone, I am very productive. Those were the mornings that I would get up and make breakfast for Alexa before school, and then wipe down and vacuum the house before work. When I got home from work, it was puff time with Daniel and then I would make dinner. So easy. SO stress free. I didn't have to apologize for my OCD and explain how I like things extremely clean and how clutter makes me feel like I can't breathe. There were no odd looks from others regarding these issues or any of my other idiosyncracies. Sometimes I felt like cleaning the whole house with bleach wipes. So what? It just did wonders for me to be alone.

Then I had some kind of mental break again in May of 2009. I walked off of my job at Denny's for no reason other than I didn't like the way I was spoken to. Stupid. Then I tried to kill myself by taking a mix of somas and flexaril. No one really knew this except my BFF's, Daniel and Lynn. So I convinced myself that I needed to go back home to Michigan and that's exactly what I did. I rented a small house (SMALL) and got a job waiting tables at a diner. All was well and good and happy. Then I met Curtis.

Someday I will get into everything regarding Curtis, but RIGHT NOW everything is good. He is working part time and I am not working at all. (I'm sure I will write more about that later.) We love our son more than anything at all, and I can say that for both of us. Our lives revolve around him. I never thought that I would be good at caring for a baby/toddler/child, but it has made every day of my life worth it. I truly do not know where I would be without my boy. He loves his mommy so much. I have never had anyone love me like my kids do. As far as I can see there is no other love as important, or fulfilling, or as wonderful as the love a child has for the parent and vice versa.

Speaking of that boy, he just woke up, and well, he wants my time, so I am going to go spend it with him. I will be updating this blog more often again. It is therapeutic for me to write. And I kind of need the therapy.