So here we are....

Little Man at about 7 mos
I have not completely abandoned this blog. In fact, I go back and read it quite often. I cannot believe how much things have changed in the years that I started keeping this blog. But I guess that's the point of writing it all down!

I am now 34. I live in Michigan AGAIN and for good. I am the proud and happy mother of a beautiful boy, who at this time is almost 15 months old. I spend my days in my old two story farmhouse that I just moved into with my sister, my son, Alexa (remember her? That cute little girl who was twelve when I began this journal? Well, she's 18 now.) and Joshua's father Curtis. Yes he is the guy in the pics.

Shawn and I divorced in 2007. I left him in 2006. In all actuality, I think I just kind of lost my mind there for a while. Let me back up...

I lost one of my best, best friends in August of 2002 right after a very surprising and heartbreaking break up with my boyfriend. (Who I have written about in this blog and referred to him as PWF for panty wearing faggot. Which is ridiculous. Yes, he wore panties but so what? He was truly a good person and a very good friend. I have ruined all chances of him being my friend just by reacting to our break up the way I did.) After both of those events, I moved to Florida. When I look back on the years from 2002-2009, I think I was on some kind of seven year anger fest drug binge, and it seemed obvious that I was trying to kill myself without actually doing it. I seemed to become another person, but I didn't realize it. I guess that's part of mental illness. The beautiful part is that a lot of it is chronicled in this blog. I was so angry at everything, but didn't know how to fix it. Some of my entries are hard for me to read. Which brings me to 2006.

I met Bryan, as everyone knows. I left Shawn to become a cocaine snorting hoodrat with Bryan. I STAYED with Bryan for three years and put up with the craziest shit you can ever imagine. When I look back on it, I am like, what in the hell was I thinking? How could I have done this to my daughter? I really don't have answers to those questions. I did have a fun job at Denny's restaurant in Pensacola, and had friends, and stayed away from cocaine once I got to Florida. But still...we fought constantly and this blog is full of entries of me attempting to convince myself that he loves me so much, blah blah blah. I mean, really. He was a low level person with an IQ of six who also happened to be in trouble with the law for several occasions of inappropriateness. I can't say much more than that, so read between the lines.

Finally, in January of 2009, I woke up one morning and just felt like I had shaken off something terrible off of me. I felt free in ways that I hadn't felt before. It was like a lightbulb suddenly went off over my head. I realized that the best way for me to be happy is to live alone, have no man around, and work my job and do what I want to do. Spend my money on what I want. Not have to talk to anybody if I didn't want to. I told Bryan that I was moving on and I don't think he believed me until it happened. I shed no tears. I rented a nice enough place for Alexa and I at tax time, filled it with new and cheap furniture and was ecstatic with my freedom. I have discovered that if I am left alone, I am very productive. Those were the mornings that I would get up and make breakfast for Alexa before school, and then wipe down and vacuum the house before work. When I got home from work, it was puff time with Daniel and then I would make dinner. So easy. SO stress free. I didn't have to apologize for my OCD and explain how I like things extremely clean and how clutter makes me feel like I can't breathe. There were no odd looks from others regarding these issues or any of my other idiosyncracies. Sometimes I felt like cleaning the whole house with bleach wipes. So what? It just did wonders for me to be alone.

Then I had some kind of mental break again in May of 2009. I walked off of my job at Denny's for no reason other than I didn't like the way I was spoken to. Stupid. Then I tried to kill myself by taking a mix of somas and flexaril. No one really knew this except my BFF's, Daniel and Lynn. So I convinced myself that I needed to go back home to Michigan and that's exactly what I did. I rented a small house (SMALL) and got a job waiting tables at a diner. All was well and good and happy. Then I met Curtis.

Someday I will get into everything regarding Curtis, but RIGHT NOW everything is good. He is working part time and I am not working at all. (I'm sure I will write more about that later.) We love our son more than anything at all, and I can say that for both of us. Our lives revolve around him. I never thought that I would be good at caring for a baby/toddler/child, but it has made every day of my life worth it. I truly do not know where I would be without my boy. He loves his mommy so much. I have never had anyone love me like my kids do. As far as I can see there is no other love as important, or fulfilling, or as wonderful as the love a child has for the parent and vice versa.

Speaking of that boy, he just woke up, and well, he wants my time, so I am going to go spend it with him. I will be updating this blog more often again. It is therapeutic for me to write. And I kind of need the therapy.