Broken?

Sometimes, it's really hard for me to sit and write because it makes me reflect on the things that have brought me to where I'm at today. As I get older, I realize how a lot of things that happened to me when I was younger had a factor in shaping who I am today. It's not all good. In my twenties, I dealt with my issues by suppressing them because I thought it was over. As I hit my thirties, I realized that all the issues that have been untouched for so long are coming to the surface and I have no choice but to deal with them.

Now, I have anxiety and panic attacks daily. I don't leave my house unless it is absolutely necessary. I create an environment that I am comfortable in and I stay there. Unlike a few years ago, when I was fat as hell and mad at the world, I cannot go out into the world unless I feel one hundred percent ready to. I feel like as soon as I step outside of my front door, there will be vultures circling me, ready to attack me. This is probably a result of years of emotional neglect...well, basically all my life. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that I am so introverted from others because I don't trust them. Not one single person in my life has ever given me what I needed from them, except for my best friend Daniel....but that is another story. Trying to squeeze just ONE OUNCE of love from these terrible men that I choose to be in relationships with has consumed my life. All I ever wanted was to be loved. When I look at how I grew up, I realize that I probably never really had that. I was the product of an extramarital affair that my gold digging father had with my mother. He was willing to risk his life, his marriage, my sister, everything, just because my mother's parents were wealthy. My mother was not mentally complete herself, and he used that as a way to bully her. Eventually she gave up on life, and I can understand that. However, without a mother in my life, I have searched for that bond all these years and thought I could find it with men.

Everyone seems to want to know what I can do for them, not what they can do for me, not that I want anything from anyone, because I don't. I choose not to communicate with most humans because I truly believe that if they could fuck me over they would. Curtis is the one who finally broke me. I hate him for that, but at the same time, it needed to happen so that I could finally face reality. People who actually love you are rare. And people will lie as long as they can to get what they want. And some people are REALLY good at telling you what they think you want to hear. Curtis is one of those, and I fell for it hook, line and sinker. I'm trying to deal with it, but it's really a shitty reality to face to know that the one person who you thought was "different" is just just like the rest of them, only worse. Our relationship has calmed down from what it used to be, we're kind of like an old married couple, settling down, eating dinners together, raising our son, and spending time with family. But now I just feel NUMB. All my life I wanted to stop feeling so much, I had way too many feeeeelings, and I wished to be numb. Now I am, and it does me no good, because he is in my life everyday. I have to be a family for the sake of my son, but I feel absolutely nothing for pretty much anyone anymore except my kids. I just don't feel. The only thing I feel anymore is anxiety and nervousness. Nothing hurts my feelings. I can't remember the last time I looked at Curtis and felt love. Now I just feel...committed. Committed to honestly attempting to raise our son together, who needs both of his parents. There was a time when I was head over heels crazy in love with him, but by the time I realized that I had fallen in love with a mirage, I was already pregnant. I have such a huge wall up on him....I've never had a wall on anyone before. But he really hurt me, devastated me and that's not even the half of it. I don't know if I will ever feel the same way again. Something in my mind tells me it's just a matter of time before I strike out on my own again, this time with my son, but I am honestly trying. Only out of respect for the memory I have of loving him so much. When I look at my son, I only see the part of Curtis that I fell madly in love with. I don't look at him and see what it has become, because I don't want to have any major regrets.

So is this what happens when people break? The feeling of being numb? There is no depression over the loss of my relationship with Curtis or really for anything else. Just shame because I shouldn't have been so stupid. I made things a lot harder on myself by not facing reality, only because I wanted that love SO much. And it's not just him. I am also having issues with someone who has been my friend for damn near 18 years. But when I look back on the friendship, I see that it is very one sided and always has been. I cut this person out of my life about two months ago and it has been pretty peaceful. Actually, I don't miss them at all. But when I reflect on all the time I wasted with this person, going to the ends of the earth for them, and how when MY chips were down they just stood there like, "Oh," it makes me REALLY angry. And it makes me wonder why my head has been shoved up my ass all these years, and why I felt like I needed someone in my life who has hit on every boyfriend I've ever had, came between me and my relationships intentionally, used me, ignored me, and insisted that I put them first when they didn't do that for me. Someone who stirred the pot and created drama in every situation. Someone who made me angry and upset a lot but I never showed it, for fear of losing that person. Every time I think about it I get angry. Because now I know what was best for me was to drop that friendship a LONG time ago.

I have wasted so much time and energy on things that don't matter, in a sorry attempt to make myself whole. Now I understand that that has to come from me, and that no one else is going to do that for me. I know that when I start feeling better about myself I will be an even stronger, more whole person than ever before. I try not to dwell on the things I cannot change, but I still get very disappointed and angry with myself for selling myself short. That is the reason why I have always made a perfect victim...because I put myself out there that way. Never, ever again. Now it is just about doing what is best for me and my kids. Even though Alexa is 18 now, she still depends on me for guidance and to be an example. And I do not want my kids to ever, ever sell themselves short like I have. That's why every day I tell them how much I love them, how smart they are, etc. They need to know how much their mom loves them so they don't go out into the world seeking that security in other ways, like I did.

Thank you God, if you really are there, for giving me the gift of my children...all four of them. The twins are still my babies, even if someone else is raising them. They all bring me the greatest joy and I would rather spend my time with them than anyone else. I love them with all my heart.