December Ramblings

This is me and my BFF, Lynn. I went to Michigan and visited everyone last month and that included a trip out to the bar with my friends. I absolutely don't drink alcohol anymore, so while everyone was living it up, I sat and drank cup after cup of coffee and enjoyed being social for the first time in almost two years.

Living here in Pensacola, I don't get out much. I work a lot and pay my bills and everything is extremely normal, but I just don't go anywhere. I don't want to. I have wondered if maybe I have fallen into some kind of depresssion, but I really don't think that's it. I think I am just bored. I miss my Michigan friends a lot. It's hard for me to make friends and bond with new people because I don't trust anyone. It takes a long time for someone to earn my trust. I don't want to experience the inevitable feelings of hurt and betrayal that come along with someone violating your trust, so I just stick to the friends and family that I know. I don't get much alone time and it makes me long for the times when I did live alone. I feel kind of lost lately. I have a lot of medical problems right now and I don't really have anyone to confide in. So even though I have people around me all the time, I feel more lonely than I have in a long time. I miss Lynn like there's no tomorrow, and my grandma, even Flint. The culture here is so different than what I'm used to. I didn't factor that in before I ran away from my problems in Flint, but it wouldn't have mattered anyway. I needed to get out of Flint. It's a ghost town.

So I feel kind of lonely and kind of lost. I long for someone to connect with emotionally, but given my current situation, I am stuck. It's okay, though. I remain optimistic.