Riley goes crazy

This is a video of my daughter's dachsund, Riley, who had a very strong reaction to Bryan's paintball gun. Make sure you have your speakers up for this one.

A Plea For Help

Although it may not be as serious as it sounds,I have a dilemma that I am dealing with right now and I need some outside advice. It's kind of been bothering me lately, so I thought it might be a good idea to make it public and see if I can get some kind of insight.

I have always flown through life by the seat of my pants and I can be very spontaneous. I like being able to do what I want, when I want, and I usually do. Alexa has trailed behind me for years on all my journeys, and we've had some good times and some bad times. When I decided to move back to Michigan last year, I promised her stability and consistency. No more moving. That's why we bought a house. Same school until she graduates. All of that. And at first, it was easy, because this is where I wanted to be. But I find myself often questioning that decision. I don't know if this is the right place for me to be right now.

This is my birthplace and this is my home, but I am not so sure if it's a good thing to be here. There is absolutely no future in this town. There is no market for any kind of business, and even though they talk about revamping Flint's image to make it appear as if its a cutesy little college town, that idea has never quite taken off. It is ugly, it is mismanaged, and it is very, very poor. I look around here at a place that literally has NO WORK. Sure, you can get an education here, but you can do nothing with it.

Florida has been on my mind, and it has nothing to do with the impending cold. I enjoy fall, it is my favorite season. But there is a scent to the air there, an atmosphere of success, that is not here in Flint. People struggle everywhere, but in Pensacola the struggle was eased by the atmosphere and the low cost of living, combined with no state income taxes. Work was plentiful in the service industry. People struggled, and people stressed, but it still is NOTHING like here. My life seems to be literally be stalled in neutral, and it's because I have reached an impasse in my life and I don't know where to go. The truth is, I want to go back to Florida. I have family and friends there, and a guaranteed job, should I choose to return. Plus, I WANT to be there.

But then again, I have to think about Alexa. She is secure and comfortable with her little group of friends, and they are already making plans for their junior and senior proms. (LOL) I hate to move her YET AGAIN just when she is probably starting to finally feel a little grounded. But I already worry about the quality of some of the friends she has; and I know it will only get worse in high school. I want to live a peaceful life, as far away from these negative lifestyles as I can. But I just worry so much about my timing. Alexa is in that stage of emotional development where she NEEDS to feel a bit more secure and a bit more grounded; its crucial to the development of her self esteem. But I feel that I might very well go absolutely fucking crazy if I have to stay here one more minute. I feel like I'm living my life running in place. I HAVE NOWHERE TO GO. I JUST KEEP GOING DOWN, DOWN, DOWN. I HATE it here, and I'm starting to hate myself. When I was in Florida, I gained a strong sense of self, became responsible, hard working, and independent, made good career choices, and GREW UP. Right now, I feel like I'm living MY life in REVERSE. Does this make sense? So I am torn between moving her and suffering the consequences later, or sticking it out and suffering until she graduates. I do not know what to do.

I would love some advice on this. I'm not talking about upping and leaving right now; I am thinking maybe more toward the summer. I don't want to pull Alexa out of school for it. But if I am going to do it I need to start planning now. I need a house, I need to sell THIS house, arrangements with my job, etc. I wish I could be set free right now, but I also know that good things come to those who wait. And I'm waiting.

Why?

I am so tired of people blaming their mistakes on me. Hey, I've made more than my share of mistakes and I don't need anyone else to pin their shit on me. Just a note to the people I'm talking about....and you know who you are....fuck you. I mean that sincerely. It's too bad that you let your hatred of a dead woman dictate how you treat me. I feel sorry for you. I'm sorry that your life sucks. Don't call me any more, because if you do, I'm hanging up. I am done with you and your drama and your jealousy. I don't need it. I am sick of the lies, the betrayal, and most of all, the blame game. Get over me. I am WAY over you.

These Are The Days Of Our Lives

It's been a crazy couple of weeks. Nothing is ever normal around here. Bryan's brother got here last Thursday on a monthlong leave from the Army and so we've been pretty busy. His brother, Jeff, decided to surprise him with a trip to Cedar Point for his birthday, which was on Saturday. (Yeah, he's a big "23" now...LOL) The trip to Cedar Point was great, EXCEPT....

I didn't get to ride on any rides. NO WAY am I standing in line just to be told that I am too fat to ride it. I didn't even attempt to ride any rides. Don't get me wrong, I still totally enjoyed myself because I got to know Jeff and his girlfriend, Megan, a little better. We did a lot of talking and hanging out while Bryan and Dave waited in lines. Sometimes everyone would ride and I would wait by myself, but this only happened once or twice, and it was never a very long wait. Since the title of this blog is "Is This Just a Fat Chick Thing?" and not "Sondra and Bryan, Inc," I decided to log on here today and bitch about myself for a moment.

I never felt left out, but I did feel stupid a couple of times. Like, why am I doing this to myself? Why am I so fat that I am nervous to try to ride rides? It was humiliating because I think everyone felt bad for me, which I DON'T WANT. Plus, more than ANYTHING, I wanted to have fun with Bryan but I felt more like a mom sometimes, holding coats and glasses and anything that they couldn't take on the roller coasters with them. I would watch the coasters go by and dream of days past when I could actually ride them without freaking out. I was really pissed at myself when Bryan wanted to go on the Skyhawk and no one wanted to wait for an hour and half in line with him. I would have if I could have rode it. We talked about it on the way home and to my surprise, I started crying and told him I was sorry that I was such a dead weight. (No pun intended). He was startled at my reaction, especially when I started blubbering about how I wanted to ride with him and that I would have waited in line with him if I thought I could ride it. He said, "I know that," and tried to console me but I was beside myself with shame. He wasn't ashamed of me in the least, but I was ashamed of myself.

Lately I haven't had much of an appetite, really. I eat maybe once a day, and I eat until I feel full and then I stop. I am not obsessing over food like I usually do, and I have lost a few pounds recently. It is unlike me to NOT obsess over food and stuff myself, so I am taking advantage of the fact that it is just not a priority to me right now. I think stress is causing this, although usually when I feel stress I want to over eat. The morning that we went to Cedar Point, I got a nosebleed out of nowhere that just wouldn't stop. I had blood all over my clothes, my face, and even my shoes. When I went to the pharmacy yesterday, the pharmacist told me that it was most likely a blood pressure issue and checked my blood pressure for me. It was extremely high, so obviously I need to just RELAX. Meanwhile, I am enjoying not eating. Don't worry, I'll never be anorexic. I love food too much.

Well, I'm off to have what is hopefully going to be a good day. I have been exercising a little bit but I haven't been able to walk because of all the rain lately. Today its finally dry outside, and I think I am going to take the opportunity to get out there, get some fresh air, listen to my IPod, and spend some quality time with myself.

From The Mouth of My Mini-Me

I actually have a lot to write about, but I've been up for umpteen hours (literally) and I am starting to not feel well. I am also stressed out at this particular moment, so a long and detailed entry is on its way. But for now, I wanted to share what my dear daughter said one night after dinner.

We had went out to dinner and when we got in the car, Bryan said,"Thanks for dinner." I said,"You're welcome." All was quiet for a moment, and then from the backseat, I hear Alexa say, in all seriousness, "Mom, do I have to say thank you too even though it's against the law for you not to feed me?"

I just opened up my My Space account and found this bulletin. I filled it out and decided it was funny enough to share here.


What does my name mean? (Sondra)

S: Easy to fall in love with.
O: Awesome kisser.
N: You like to drink.
D: You like to drink.
R: Fuckin crazy.
A: You like to drink.

LMAO!!!! That's all I have to say about this one.


A: You like to drink.
B: You like people.
C: You are really silly.
D: You like to drink.
E: Damn good kisser.
F: You are dead sexy.
G: You never let people tell you what to do.
H: You have a very good personality and looks.
I: You Are Great in bed
J: People Adore you.
K: You're wild and crazy.
L: Everyone loves you.
M: You like to drink.
N: You like to drink.
O: Awesome kisser.
P: You are popular with all types of people.
Q: You are a hypocrite.
R: Fuckin crazy.
S: Easy to fall in love with.
T: You're loyal to those you love.
U: You really like to chill.
V: You are not judgemental.
W: You are very broad minded.
X: You never let people tell you what to do.
Y: Best g/f b/f anyone could ever ask for
Z: Always ready.


Delete the other person's name and repost this with the title "what does your name mean?" in 11 minutes and something wonderful will happen.
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Oops!

I posted this picture of Bryan because I like it. It captures one of my favorite facial expressions of his. I just love his face in this picture. I even like his hair, which had grown curly and wild and out of control...he's since cut it.

Anyways, so...I always wondered if Bryan would ever tell me he loved me. And if he did, what the first time he said it would be like. I don't tell him I love him directly; I never say, "I love you," to him like that. I might say something like," I know ya love me," or, "You know I love ya," or something casual like that, and he always says, "yup," and nods his head in agreement. I knew a while back that he loved me. He knows that he loves me, but we don't really discuss it. It doesn't seem necessary. Not only that, but we love each other on different levels, if that makes any sense. We love each other but we are also like family. We are comfortable with this.

I told him I loved him once...and that was in the middle of a very passionate, very heated, very emotional moment. (And NO, it wasn't sex!) I was very drunk, too, and I was pissed that I had broken my vow to myself that I would never, ever say that word to him. After I said it, I said it AGAIN, and then we just sat there. Since we were both smashed, we both forgot about it within minutes and went promptly to bed to pass out. No mention was made of it for about a month, and then I brought it up. I asked him if he remembered me saying that to him and he said that he did. I felt better, getting it out there in the open, but at the same time, saying it out loud is literally speaking it into existence, and then everything changes.

So, I'm rambling. Anyway, I always wondered if he would say it to me. I kind of figured he would when he was ready to. Tonight, he went out with his brother and at around 11:00 I paged him on his 2 way. He beeped me back but all I heard was music. This went on for a couple of minutes and finally my phone rang..it was him. He was pretty drunk, but I wasn't at all irritated. I knew he was safe because he was with his brother and most likely Dave, and he hasn't been out in almost a month. Plus, with him being drunk that early, it was a certainty that he would be home long before the bar closes. (I was right.)

So, we chatted for a minute and he made me laugh because he was so drunk..but he was obviously having a good time. We wrapped up our conversation, Bryan saying, "Thank you for checking up on me," like he sincerely meant it. I said, "Of course, baby, that's my job," and laughed. He laughed too, and then he promised me he would call me when he got home. (He didn't, and I knew then that he wouldn't. I ended up getting a hold of HIM.) I said, "All right, honey, I'l talk to you tomorrow." He said, casual as can be,"Okay then. Have a good night. I love you." It took me all of a NANOSECOND to process that information. Instantly, I considered these things:

He was drunk
Maybe he didn't mean to say it
Making a big deal out of him saying it would only embarass him
Keep my mouth shut

So, right after he said it, before he could say another word, or take back what he said, I said, "Okay, baby, I love you too, goodnight," and hung up the phone. I know Bryan, and I knew he wouldn't go out of his way to call me back and tell me that what he had just said had been a mistake. If I had stayed on the phone, and if it had been an honest mistake, he would have told me, but call me back and explain? No.

Now tomorrow, I'm not going to say a word about it. I'm going to proceed as normal. But I have to admit that it feels nice to hear it. Drunk minds speak sober thoughts.

Now that I think about it, this isn't the first time Bryan told me he loved me. The first time he actually used it in a sentence, he was drunk as well. (See above statement.) He had requested a song, our song actually, by Cassie, and when it came on, I smiled at him and said, "Aww, did you request this song for us?" He said that he did. Trying to be coy, I said, "Why?" His response? "'Cause I looooooooooooove you, motherfucker." 

Lord have mercy, it never ends. This is what I've been so busy doing, people. Yup.
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Crazy Cat Part 2

And he STILL won't let go.


And here is a GREAT way to scare your friends. The reactions are priceless. Take a look at this video...we made it ourselves. And PLEASE make sure your SPEAKERS are ON. You WILL need them!


CLICK here!!!

Crazy Cat

Willie got caught getting into the food on the counter (AGAIN!) and when Alexa got a hold of him, he clung to her for dear life. This was just too funny to NOT take a picture. 

You gotta LOVE the shirt.
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This is what we do in our family for fun. We grow up, and then ride on the little pink horsey at Meijer's. Sheesh. And let's not forget about the little purple one, either. Is that a friggin dinosaur??
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