It's been a crazy couple of weeks. Nothing is ever normal around here. Bryan's brother got here last Thursday on a monthlong leave from the Army and so we've been pretty busy. His brother, Jeff, decided to surprise him with a trip to Cedar Point for his birthday, which was on Saturday. (Yeah, he's a big "23" now...LOL) The trip to Cedar Point was great, EXCEPT....
I didn't get to ride on any rides. NO WAY am I standing in line just to be told that I am too fat to ride it. I didn't even attempt to ride any rides. Don't get me wrong, I still totally enjoyed myself because I got to know Jeff and his girlfriend, Megan, a little better. We did a lot of talking and hanging out while Bryan and Dave waited in lines. Sometimes everyone would ride and I would wait by myself, but this only happened once or twice, and it was never a very long wait. Since the title of this blog is "Is This Just a Fat Chick Thing?" and not "Sondra and Bryan, Inc," I decided to log on here today and bitch about myself for a moment.
I never felt left out, but I did feel stupid a couple of times. Like, why am I doing this to myself? Why am I so fat that I am nervous to try to ride rides? It was humiliating because I think everyone felt bad for me, which I DON'T WANT. Plus, more than ANYTHING, I wanted to have fun with Bryan but I felt more like a mom sometimes, holding coats and glasses and anything that they couldn't take on the roller coasters with them. I would watch the coasters go by and dream of days past when I could actually ride them without freaking out. I was really pissed at myself when Bryan wanted to go on the Skyhawk and no one wanted to wait for an hour and half in line with him. I would have if I could have rode it. We talked about it on the way home and to my surprise, I started crying and told him I was sorry that I was such a dead weight. (No pun intended). He was startled at my reaction, especially when I started blubbering about how I wanted to ride with him and that I would have waited in line with him if I thought I could ride it. He said, "I know that," and tried to console me but I was beside myself with shame. He wasn't ashamed of me in the least, but I was ashamed of myself.
Lately I haven't had much of an appetite, really. I eat maybe once a day, and I eat until I feel full and then I stop. I am not obsessing over food like I usually do, and I have lost a few pounds recently. It is unlike me to NOT obsess over food and stuff myself, so I am taking advantage of the fact that it is just not a priority to me right now. I think stress is causing this, although usually when I feel stress I want to over eat. The morning that we went to Cedar Point, I got a nosebleed out of nowhere that just wouldn't stop. I had blood all over my clothes, my face, and even my shoes. When I went to the pharmacy yesterday, the pharmacist told me that it was most likely a blood pressure issue and checked my blood pressure for me. It was extremely high, so obviously I need to just RELAX. Meanwhile, I am enjoying not eating. Don't worry, I'll never be anorexic. I love food too much.
Well, I'm off to have what is hopefully going to be a good day. I have been exercising a little bit but I haven't been able to walk because of all the rain lately. Today its finally dry outside, and I think I am going to take the opportunity to get out there, get some fresh air, listen to my IPod, and spend some quality time with myself.
Monday, October 23, 2006
These Are The Days Of Our Lives
Posted by MissJester at 1:41 PM
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2 comments:
Keep on writing, babe, cuz believe it or not, I do read this every day to see how you are doing.
luvins!
Me too
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