Today in one of my classes we were talking about the healing power of forgiveness, or letting go of hostility/aggression toward someone. I have personal issues with this. I usually don't have a problem with forgiveness and have forgiven many, many things that most people would have trouble forgiving, but now I am struggling.

There is someone that I guess someone would say that I need to forgive, even though I am perfectly content to sit here and hate her fucking guts. I cannot see myself ever forgiving her. She used to be a little more than an acquaintance, but not quite a friend. Now she is as good as dead with me, as I completely ignore her presence. I actually refuse to acknowledge her irrelevant existence. Now I am wondering what it is about her that I am willing to hate so much.

In the past, I have forgiven so many people...friends who have wronged me, Alexa's father for taking my life into his hands, and even the woman who slept with my husband knowing that he was married. (She not only slept with him, but she actually physically slept in my bed, on my side of the bed..knowing that it was my side of the bed.) But yet, I can't forgive Ashley. I think it's because I don't want to.

Ashley lived next door to me in Florida. She ended up seeing my nephew behind his girlfriend, Anne's, back, and Anne left. She took my great nephew with her. This has been extremely painful for me because I helped raise my great nephew from the time he was two months old until he was nine months old. He was with me every single day. To put it simply, he felt like my own child. Ashley is not the only reason Anne left; she had other valid reasons. But she did not want her son exposed to the kind of life that Ricky and Ashley were living..constant partying, police, and drugs. I don't blame her. She's told me that she feels safer without Ricky knowing where she is, and I understand that, although Ricky wouldn't hurt a single hair on her head. It doesn't do any good to tell her this, because she has her own beliefs, but it's true. So Ashley knew that she was a major factor in Anne leaving and cutting everyone off from her son, including me. Did she care? No. This is the same girl who sat in my house while I was out of town, and with my nephew, allowed some bitch to come in my house with my husband and not tell me, then get mad at Anne for calling me and telling me. I mean, come on. I told her when she first started seeing Ricky to back off a little and let him and Sam work things out so that he could have a relationship with his son, and the response I got was, "I'm not going anywhere until Ricky tells me to." At that point, I backed off but Ricky knew that I didn't like her because of it, so he tried not to flaunt it to me. She didn't; she made sure she sucky faced with him when I was around, among other things. It was almost like she was daring me to do something about it. Which I didn't.

Then I hear that she's pregnant. It felt like someone stepped on my stomach when I heard that. In my mind, she's trying to replace Anne and her son, and spiting everyone else. Is she on crack? Ricky is in no position to have a baby. Neither is she, for that matter. She hasn't even graduated from high school yet! (She's 19). And she's already had one abortion. It feels to me that she is trying to latch on to Ricky on purpose, even though they don't have the greatest relationship. Surely she must know this. She's not stupid; I've often said that with all her faults as a person, she doesn't lack any intelligence. Why is she doing this? I don't want part of her in my family. I want her to quietly disappear just as quickly as she appeared on the scene. And how am I possibly going to look at this baby when my great nephew is gone and has been for almost a year now? No fucking way. I can't do it. How is she ever going to think that that baby is going to replace my great nephew? It's not. Truth be told, I want nothing to do with her OR that fucking spawn she's carrying. As far as I'm concerned, it doesn't exist. So far, I haven't changed my mind and I've known about the pregnancy since August. (I think she's due in April but I don't know for sure..but what I do know is that my great nephew was born in April, which makes this even worse.) Anne is living someplace else, although I have no idea where. I just want Anne and my great nephew back more than anything. I don't care about Ashley at all.

What's scary about that is that it's true. I truly do not care about Ashley. That's kind of scary to me, since I care about everyone. But if she fell down the stairs and broke her neck and died, I wouldn't even go to her funeral. I would feel bad, I guess, for her mother, who I like very much, and for her sister, who I also like, but I would probably dance around with glee if I knew I would never have to see her or hear from her again. I think I need help with this, because the only person it's bothering is me. Ashley knows how I feel, and I'm sure she wishes it weren't that way, but I am also sure she's not dwelling on it. Denial isn't going to get me anywhere either, because that baby is coming whether I like it or not, and it's a part of me. Family ties are very important to me and to my nephews, who are like my brothers. I can't see Ricky turning his back on me because I got pregnant by someone he didn't like, even under these circumstances. Actually, he would have probably beat someone's ass by now, but he wouldn't have taken it out on me. And I don't feel like I'm being very fair to him, even though he fucked up big time. This is still going to be his child. And he is still the father of Anne's son, whether he sees him or not. (It's been nearly a year since we've seen this child..it'll be a year in February but I am the only one Anne keeps in touch with, sometimes by phone but usually by email...and I have no idea where she is, nor will she tell me.) But I just can't shake these feelings of HATRED.

I've actually thought about inviting Ricky and Ashley out to dinner (neutral ground) and telling them what I think. I know that they both can probably take it, and in the end, what I think and feel is going to be inconsequential to the end result anyway. But I have to wonder if it would make me feel better to tell them anyway. Especially her. I guess we'll see. However I handle the situation is going to be better than sitting here stewing about it anyway. I just want to be able to make sure I can keep my temper in check.