I just haven't had the time to update my blog lately. School and home life are demanding all of my time these days, but I just feel I need to put something in here today.

This week has been absolutely awful in terms of stress and emotions. Monday, I came home from school to find that my husband had quit his job because he "didn't like it" and that we are now without an income from him. (I do bring in some money, but I'll get to that in a minute.) He didn't actually tell me that he quit at first...he tried to tell me he was fired but I didn't buy it. There was a very loud argument, and after I knocked down all of our DVD's from their shelf and pulled the trim right off of a doorframe and threw my shoes all over the bedroom, I just sat on my bed, put my head in my hands, and began to wail. This reaction may seem a little extreme, but this is not the first time he has done this. He doesn't seem to understand the concept of taking care of a family and being responsible. I love his parents, but he is no doubt the victim of "excessive coddling."

So, after screaming, "WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?" about a hundred times, I got tired of the blank stare I got in response. I called Lynn, who immediately told me that he had called her in search of a job. (She is a staffer). She got him an interview and everything, but she told me that she had told him, in no uncertain terms, to be gone when I got home from school...that I was going to be livid. Sadly, he didn't heed her advice. If he had, she would have told me, and I would have been pissed, but it would have given me time to prepare.

Tuesday, I come home from school feeling pissy about Monday, but I did put forth an effort to get along with him. My sister called and asked me to bring her some things, so I thought it would be nice to get in the car for a while and just drive. On my way out the door, I decided to check the mail. My bank had sent me a notice saying that "due to deragatory information from Chexsystems, a check verification service, we are notifying you that we are closing your account effective immediately and any checks to that account will be stamped 'Account Closed' and returned." What the FUCK? I haven't written any bad checks! So I called the bank and was told by one person that they didn't understand why I recieved the letter, and then another person entirely called me and said that my name was in Chexsystems because I wrote a bad check off of my account I still had in Florida. This DID happen, actually. It was an oversight on my part and quickly corrected, but I didn't realize that they would put my name in Chexsystems. So, to make a long story short, my account is now closed and I have a rent check and a car insurance check out there. That made me scream and cry some more.

Today, I get home from school and I was actually in a pretty good mood. My classes were entertaining today, and there were lots of good songs on the radio. Shawn was sitting here on the computer when I walked in the door, so I got on the phone right away to double check and make sure that my child support check, that I receieve every two weeks, will be coming today. Imagine my shock and surprise when I am told that there was no payment processed this week. How can that be? He has paid every two weeks, on time, for almost two years. Of course, they had none of that information, since they are only the agency that cuts the checks. I checked the sex offender registry, which, yes, he is on, and he is not there. WHY IS HE NOT ON THE SEX OFFENDER REGISTRY? He should be. He always has been. I guess I don't have to explain that I absolutely will not, under any circumstances, speak to him. So I guess this is just a mystery that will have to unfold itself, because I am not hunting him down.

This just made me bitter all over again, and I began yelling at Shawn, asking him what he was thinking, and how could he be so selfish when he quit his job, etc. Again, the blank stare. He didn't even really look like he felt all that bad. (I think he lacks the ability to empathize.) Finally, I told him I just wanted him to leave. I can't take this anymore. It's not fair to expect me to shoulder ALL the responsibility and ALL the stress alone, if we're supposed to be a team. It hasn't been fair for quite some time. I am going to end up in the loony bin if something doesn't change.

It's breaking my heart, but he has to go. I don't necessarily want a divorce right now, but I cannot live with him anymore. We have seperated before and it was actually the best thing we ever did. I told him that he needed to get his own place..he really doesn't seem to want to go back to Florida, which is fine with me because I love him and want him to stay close. Just not in the same house with me. His paycheck from that job comes in a couple of days, and I told him to use it to get his own place...I am in a position to borrow money from someone who has it and is willing to give it to me to pay my bills. That's what I will do.

This is not going to be easy. It's not going to be fun. I just wonder how I'm going to handle all of this...his leaving, all these past due bills, my daughter and her school activities and issues, my studying, cooking, cleaning....I am just so overwhelmed with grief and stress right now. Good thing I'm not hungry.