This sucks. This blog should have been named "Sondra Bitching" rather than Sondra's Stories, but I am sick again, this time with some kind of mild head cold that's making me wish I could just chop it off at the neck. I didn't deep clean my house this week but at least I got all my homework done, so I am happy about that. And I'm sure this sick feeling won't last much longer. Hell, I'll probably feel like a million bucks come Monday, when I have to go to school again.

One of the classes I'm taking is Sociology, and our professor is really neat; I like him. He's an older black man who is extremely intelligent, and he inserts a lot of cultural education in his lectures that I find interesting, most likely because I do have a child with African American heritage. (It is such a neat culture, although I really know very little about it.) Anyway, there is this dork who sits in the back of the class and constantly makes stupid comments that I am sure he percieves to be interesting and fair. For instance, we were discussing the term "cultural diffusion" and how it leads to exposure to other cultures' foods and customs, such as Cinco De Mayo or matzoh ball soup. This dude raises his hand, the teacher calls on him, and he begins to regale the class with his interpretation of how fried chicken has become so popular with "black people."

"You know, back in the day, when there were slaves, they always ate all of the chicken or all of the pig," he says in his singsong, know it all voice, and the girl sitting next to me catches my eye and we both sigh. "So, now, that's why black people eat stuff like gizzards and pig's feet because it's part of their culture. They also invented fried chicken, I'm sure."

This class is pretty equal between black and white, and I can hear the black people behind me giggling like crazy. The girl sitting in front of me turns and around and makes a face at me, and I say, "He's going to get all of our asses beaten someday." Her and her friend sitting next to her chuckle softly, and I glance at the teacher and see that he has this look on his face that is saying, "What the fuck?" He makes some kind of diplomatic comment and moves on. Now, I know that thing about the slaves was true, because I once learned that in another class, but come the fuck on. It makes me very uncomfortable when someone representing my race makes us all look stupid. We have enough to overcome. Look at what our ancestors did to their ancestors. And not just to the Africans, NO..we did it to everyone, including the Native Americans. We are bossy, rude, and just basically used to getting our way. I don't speak my mind too much because I'm afraid of looking like an ass kisser, but the truth is, I don't blame them for much. Think about it. When you watch the news at night, it's always about how the "suspect was a black man." The suspect is always a black man. However, when that whole deal with Enron was going on, the fact that Kenneth Lay, a rich whitebread cracker friend of the Bushies, stole millions of dollars was barely mentioned. But if a black man did it...oh my Gosh, you would never hear the end of it. The media tells you what percentage of black men in America are incarcerated, but what they fail to mention is that less than 40 percent of black males in prison are doing time for violent crime. It's usually for violating parole on drug offenses or other such crimes. Rarely do they beat their wives, sexually molest and/or abuse their children, and I have yet to hear of a black serial killer. It's just the way that the media presents it to the American public, which is exactly the way the public wants it.

And I get so tired of people who have been victims of crime perpetrated by blacks who use that as an excuse to be prejudiced and ignorant the rest of their lives. "Well, I lock my doors when I see black people around me because I once had my purse snatched by one." Well, so fucking what? The people around you now are probably not thinking about your purse, bitch. They're thinking about the same things you do: what time to pick up their kids, what to make for dinner, and how in the hell they're going to come up with the money for the car payment this month. As a matter of fact, my daughter's biological father went to prison for getting me pregnant when he was 28 and I was 15...and he was my foster father. But I sure in the hell don't hate every black person I see just because he was the way he was. (By the way, no, it wasn't forced sexual contact. I thought he "loved me" which, of course, was BS because he was already married. The courts saw it as coercion and punished him accordingly.) That would be ridiculous, as his actions should not reflect on an entire race. If that were the case, all white people would be dead, in my opinion.

A couple of weeks ago, Lynn called me over to her house because her husband had invited one of his friends and his wife over. She called me halfway through the visit and begged me to come over and I could tell she had been drinking. I said to her, "Is it that bad?" to which she replied with a cheery, "Uh huh." So I head over there and all looks normal to me. I sit down at the kitchen table, where she is sitting with the wife, (I don't know her name so I'll call her Vickie) and I can see that Lynn is on at least her third beer. I get one too. Lynn introduces me to Vickie and we begin chatting. (Lynn's husband and Vickie's husband have been friends for almost 15 years or even more. I have known Lynn's husband for about 15 years and the other guy, John, for about 10 years, although I hadn't seen him in many years and had never met his wife until this night. I have known Lynn for 11 years and what an 11 years it's been!) But she knows I love her.

Anyway, we're sitting there talking, and Lynn's telling us about how she hired this one guy to go to work at some factory south of here, and I guess maybe Lynn mentioned that he was black, I don't really remember. But she was telling us how he got released from the position because he just didn't want to work. At this point, Vickie says, "Well, John says he doesn't like black people because they're lazy and all of them are like that," or something to that effect, I don't exactly remember. I immediately replied, "That is the stupidest, most ignorant fucking thing I have ever heard." Lynn stifled a laugh and Vickie just stared at me, uncomprehending. Then Lynn and I began to discuss how we hated racism and how it seems like it's never going to go away, and then all of a sudden (she has a talent for this) Lynn starts freaking about this guy on TV talking about the Asian bird flu and how it was going to affect the U.S. Vickie says, "Oh yeahh, I heard that too, well it's all the black people and their KFC." I laughed out loud, and Lynn, without missing a beat, says, "Well, I was watching it on Good Morning America, and there was this guy---a white guy---saying how it was going to affect his family." It went right over Vickie's head. We talked for a while longer, and then the subject of children came up. I mentioned that I had a daughter who was almost 12 and that she was biracial. Immediately, Vickie says to me, "Well, I think mixed kids are the most beautiful kids."

I fucking hate this when people say it to me. It's just so fucking fake, and usually I hear it after I point out to someone who's made some ignorant comments, that my daughter is black. People, please don't say this to me. All children are beautiful to me. Does it matter what their skin color is? For the love of God, don't try to gloss it over by telling me that you think MIXED babies are beautiful. Lynn's children are quite beautiful, and they're white. I am sure Vickie and John's babies are beautiful also, and they're white, too. Does it matter? Any baby, regardless of race, is beautiful. That is my opinion. I once saw a young black family at a restaurant that had three little kids, one being only about a month old. And this couple who were in their fifties, maybe early sixties, and white, asked the mother if she could hold the baby. The mother said yes, and this woman plucked the baby out of her car seat and began cooing to her, stroking her, and talking to her. I observed this without speaking. As I was getting ready to leave, the couple handed the baby back to the mother and said, "You are so blessed." I got goose bumps then and I get them now as I write this, because that's the way the world should be, but all too often it isn't. I know I'm going to die with a broken heart, because things just aren't the way they should be and I get so down when I think about it too much. That's why I am going into Human Services. I really want to work with people. I believe all people have a spot of good in them, even if it's just the tiniest little spot. But people have to want to change, so the decision is ultimately theirs.

I don't know why I got on a soapbox tonight. It's just things that have been brewing in my mind lately. The fact that I have to turn my daughter out to a world that will not fully accept her is scary. The fact that she is female AND half black is also scary. We have already dealt with racist comments and such, and her attitude is, "Well, Mom, there's really nothing I can do about it." Is that how the whole world percieves it? Because if so, I cannot accept that. What I want to do is get a baseball bat and club every motherfucker that says something deragatory to her. That is MY child, she is NOT a nigger, she is NOT a darkie, or a chocolate anything. She is a writer, a reader, she is bad at math but loves people. She is popular with her peers and has a best friend and she would do anything for anyone. She loves animals and music and family. Will the people that hate her or judge her based on the color of her skin ever know these things?