MARCH 1, 2007

It Goes On

Current mood:stressed

Just when I think I might have a grip on a little peace, a storm blows in and upsets my life all over again. Im getting kind of sick of it.

I got Alexa's report card yesterday. Almost every grade was failing. It has been like this for the last year. I have done everything from talk to her teachers to sending her to school with forms to fill out about her homework, to grounding her, to not grounding her and trying to trust her, to taking away all her books...just everything. Nothing works. She is rude, disrespectful, and I want to beat her fucking ass because she knows what shes doing and she does not care. I dont want to hear that its about Bryan and all the drama going on in my life because although that does affect her, this has been going on before I even knew Bryan. This attitude is a direct result of my dad and his mouth. Hes next on my list to get it.

Yesterday after I informed her that I had her progress report and that she was grounded JUST LIKE WE AGREED TO WHEN I DECIDED TO GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE, she became very defiant. I asked her to begin cleaning out her room so she started throwing things everywhere. I ignored it until she started running her mouth and after I asked her repeatedly to just shut up and do what she was told, since she knew it was coming anyway, she kept it going and going. Ricky and Serra both intervened and asked her to stop with her mouth and just do what she was told. I put up with this for about fifteen minutes. Then, I asked her to clean her bathroom which is part of her chores which she NEVER, EVER does unless I remind her and it hasnt been done in over a month because lately I have not had the energy to constantly remind her. She wandered around the house for fifteen minutes, playing in the sink, and defiantly telling us that she couldnt "find" something to clean with. We told her that if we could find something to clean with so could she. This went on and on. I kept telling her to go clean the bathroom, she kept standing there and playing in the kitchen sink and telling me she couldnt find anything to clean with. Finally, I got pissed and told her that if she was going to act like that I didnt want to be around her.She took it upon herself to go to my Dads without permission but he wasnt home,and when she came back I told her that if she did not do what I asked her to do that I was going to call the sheriffs department and have her taken away. I meant it. I still mean it. She stopped running her mouth but she absolutely refused to do anything I asked her. EVen though I took away all her priviliges and all her electronics and all her games, she decided that she was going to just go ahead and keep her IPod, even though she KNEW she was supposed to give it to me. She ended up giving it back to me last night, but she never did clean the bathroom. When my dad did get home and she went over there, he was somehow under the impression that I had kicked her out so he went off on her, ABOUT ME, and when she came home and told me what he said I called him. As soon as the answering machine came on and I started talking, he picked up the phone and threatened to call the police on me. I pointed out to him that its funny how he can make a judgment based on what she says but hes supposed to be MY father and backing ME up, but instead hes sitting there telling my daughter, "Your mother this, your mother that." No wonder she doesnt fucking respect me. He hung up on me before I could get that out, though. I shouldnt be surprised. My father the drunk likes to make judgments about people. Like I said, hes next on my list to be told to fuck off.

And whats funny is that when I called my grandma later on, she already knew about it because my dad called her. Called my 90 year old grandma for what? Hes so despicable. He has never cared about me a day in my life, only about the dollar signs I can bring him. Now that Im of no use to him, Ive been discarded and back to being regarded as a big old piece of shit. How he can sit there and badmouth me to my own kid is beyond me, especially when he knows the problems that have been going on here. I can get Alexa to listen to me, but not after shes just been fed full of shit. Isnt he supposed to support me and back me up? All she does when she goes over there is watch TV. Hes sucked her into his little fantasy world and shes the only one who cares about it so hes latching on to her. It makes me very sick. When shes under punishment, I still let her spend the night over there. I just found out that when she goes over there, he "ungrounds" her because, as she put it, he says, "Well, you didnt do it over here." Inconsistent.

So Im pretty pissed off right now. I went to bed kind of early and I was up at six again. I just couldnt fall back asleep. I have so much on my mind and I feel really stressed right now.

FEBRUARY 28, 2007

Arrrgh

Current mood:enraged

I am so pissed off right now. Its been a long time since Ive seen 420 AM unless Ive woken up from sleep. I havent been to bed yet.

Today Bryan got an email from Sarah and in it she dropped three names of people who know him that he used to go to school with. She did this just so she could get his attention, and it pisses me off. I know everyones like, "So?" Well,she did it in a threatening way. Her email said, "Jane Doe and Jill Smith and Mary Jones. Do those names ring a bell? They said to tell you hi. lololol." I was so fucking mad, I swear. Bryan and I started yelling at each other because the situation pissed me off so bad. He hasnt spoken with her in over a week. He told her in my presence (but she didnt know it) that he just thought it would be better if they didnt speak any more. So now shes pulling the little games I predicted she would pull, and I dont know why, but it enrages me. Its not like I didnt know she was going to do it, but it really pisses me off that she wants his attention THAT bad. STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE, YOU NASTY DIRTY CUNT. I couldnt be more serious.

Bryan and I are NOT together. There is NO getting back together, but he is still in my life. I know I need to let him learn his lesson about Sarah without getting involved and all emotional, but its hard because every time she makes contact with him its like shes making contact with ME and I HATE HER SO MUCH that it feels like a scab being ripped off of a fresh wound, over and over again. I didnt know it was possible to really dislike someone as much as I dislike that bitch. After Bryan left, I just started punching my wall. (I really need to seek out some kind of aggression therapy, because I DO have a lot of anger right now and nowhere to put it.) I was surprised to feel the wall give and then give and then give. So now I have a hole in my wall the size of a fucking computer monitor, with torn shreds of drywall hanging and exposed wood. There are bits and pieces of drywall and shit all over my floor. My hand is sore and swollen and very bruised, but I dont care. It could have been her fat ugly face, and I could have been in jail instead. I can repair the wall. I dont want a criminal record, on top of being insane. LOL!

Anyway, Im going to smoke some weed now. The last few days have been pretty good for me. Im going to try and not let tonight ruin it. Thats why Im going to smoke this bowl and go to bed and try to have some fucking hope.

FEBRUARY 25, 2007

Contentment

Current mood:peaceful

Today, I took a nap. Something about that nap completely erased my stress. I woke up and felt so much better. Serra and I went to church with Kristi and Mike and the service was wonderful. Lots of energy was flowing, the music was loud and happy, and it felt good to be spending time with good friends and family. At this moment, I am content and feel peaceful, even loving, toward everyone. It feels so good to feel this way that I must have forgotten what normal people feel like. I even called Bryan when we left church and took him some medicine, as he has been struck down with some mysterious illness that has made him very sick, too sick to do anything but sleep and sweat. I swear I dont have anything to do with it, so no one BETTER suggest it. LOL! He became sick immediately after our conversation about the text messages, though. Maybe God DOES work in mysterious ways.

I just wanted to write this down to document how I feel today, because I know Im probably going to have more shitty days ahead. I want this to remind me that things CAN get better, and that I AM healing, slow as it may be. I refuse to lose any more faith in myself.

FEBRUARY 25, 2007

Fun with Sondra

Current mood:distressed

I woke up this morning feeling like I was on the strongest crack. My stomach was tied up in knots, I was hot and sweaty, I couldnt lie still, and I felt like I was on the verge of hysterical tears. Of course, no one was up yet, so I flipped through the channels on the TV. I dont really watch TV anymore and I censor everything I hear and watch, because Im trying to avoid anything that will cause me any more heartache. I kept feeling like there was a rock in my stomach, and I sat here thinking about Bryan and our relationship. I cannot describe how much it hurts to love someone with every piece of yourself, only to find out that everything about this person is a fucking lie. And he will never let me say what I have to say about it, because to him, my feelings are unimportant. No wonder I am always so balled up and sick inside. I have all these emotions and feelings about things that I want to share with him but I know if I do the only thing to come out of it will be a nasty argument, or worse, hell turn it around on me and Ill end up apologizing, which is the way this relationship has went for a long time. It is NO wonder that I am as anxious and panicky as I am.

I laid in bed for a while, thinking about things, and then I had to go to the bathroom to be sick. I wasnt sure why I was getting sick, but I was heaving hard enough to projectile vomit all the way to Cincinnati. Thats not a fun feeling. I was laying on the bathroom floor, sweating and drooling uncontrollably, with my head resting against the cool part of the porcelain. And when it felt like it was coming up, my whole body would lurch forward violently. It kind of scared me. I forced myself to breathe (because I hate throwing up) and then I dragged myself back to my bed where I just lay there. Such is my day. So Im going to sit around all day trying not to throw up....or cry. Sounds like a fun existence.

FEBRUARY 24, 2007

Surprise, Sondra! Your whole life has been a LIE!

Current mood:indescribable

Well, last night I got the surprise of my life.

Bryan returned his phone to me, the one I shut off. We spent a day together, it went well, we got some talking done. Its a given that this relationship is not going to work, we both know that, but weve both always enjoyed our friendship and we decided to try and maintain that. The day that he was here he even got involved in the middle of a "family discussion" and everyone was impressed that he cared as much as he did. That night, he even began crying to me about a lot of things that he keeps bottled up, and I comforted him. I felt more at peace, because it no longer seemed so bad. My cousin was out of the picture, and it looked like things might actually heal.

Last night, I sat down and because I was curious, I decided to look through his phone. He deleted everything...his call list, his pictures, everything. But he forgot to delete his text messages. I sat there and read through every single one of them, and I learned a lot. A LOT.

I learned that he had been texting someone named Wendy and had even went out with her at least once while he was living with me. He sent her several messages on New Years Eve night, the night he decided to be an asshole to me in front of our company so I went to bed early to avoid a fight. He was texting her to ask if she wanted to go out the following Friday. He told her that he enjoyed spending time with her and that he wanted to do it again soon. This has been going on since the beginning of December, at least. He also text messaged back and forth with someone named Amanda. I also found a message that he had sent to my cousin saying that he thought they should just be friends, that it had nothing to do with me, that he had just been doing a lot of thinking.

I was shocked. I NEVER thought anything like that was going on. To make a long story short, I ended up asking him about it over the phone. I just simply asked who Wendy was. There was a long moment of silence, and then he said, "What?" LOL Later on, he told me she was a friend from school, which is another lie because in one of the messages he sent her he said, "Oh youre 26, I thought you were 22 but thats cool." Who does he think hes talking to? I pointed out to him that if she was just a friend then I would know who she was. I had never ever heard of a Wendy. Hes such a fucking liar. After I called him on his bullshit, he got frustrated and stated that he wasnt going to let ME ruin HIS night (imagine that!) so he hung up on me. I sat here and cried, yes, and I freaked out, yes, but mostly from the shock of it. I stupidly trusted him. I HAD NO IDEA. And it really pissed Ricky and Serra off because hes coming over here and acting like hes part of the family. I mean to tell you, everyone that knows US is shocked. I feel sick to my stomach to know that everything I thought was true was a lie. I have never felt so emotionally abused in my life. And this comes just a day or so after he sat here in my room and cried to me about how no one has ever made him feel as good about himself as I do, and that he really loves me. Real tears, seemingly true emotions. All fake. Everything is one big lie. Hes been sneaking around behind my back for months. And he probably fucked my cousin too, on the night that they both turned off their phones after she picked him up from the side of the road, while I sat here bleeding and crying. Un fucking believeable.

Hes only called me once, and I picked up the phone and said that I had nothing left to say, were done talking, its over. Then I hung up without waiting for a response. The Bryan I thought I loved is not the Bryan that he really is, and I cant tell you how heartbreaking that is. All these times that Ive apologized and groveled and sought help for my anxiety and depression and all along he knew he was doing me wrong but he still allowed me to take most of the blame for the failure of our relationship, when in fact, it was never a real relationship in the first place.I cant stop thinking about it, but I almost feel relieved in a way that everything was a lie. I guess that makes it easier for me to move on than it would if this was a real relationship breaking up even though two people mutually love each other. I can no longer delude myself that this is what this is. He does not love me. He never has. I let myself think that he did because I loved him so much. I threw my life away for this person and now I must reconcile that. And it will be a long, long, long, long, time before I even think about trusting someone again. I dont know that I ever will. I have never been betrayed this way.

So, theres my great news. Whoop dee doo, right? I may finally get to have the mental breakdown thats been threatening to come for weeks. Its all right though, if I do break down, because then I can push all the negativity out with crying and anger and all that, and then I will feel redeemed. He will never listen to anything I have to say so I must find another way to express myself. I did call his sister today to give her a brief overview. She said, "You're kiiiidddiiiiing," in total and utter disbelief. After we hung up she called me back and said, "I just want to let you know that I know youre upset and everything, but let him be someone elses problem. Just let him be someone elses problem now." Very sound advice, I think.

So, I am sitting here trying to relax. I am so used to feeling shattered like this that I swear its not even affecting me any more. I feel almost relieved. Its weird

FEBRUARY 22, 2007

Sleep

Current mood:calm

Well, this morning I feel better. My nephew and his girlfriend are here, which eases my mind so much. I now have a baby to love on. Alexa doesnt let me love on her anymore, so since babies are defenseless against mad cuddling, shes going to get it. As soon as she gets up.

I slept solidly through the night and woke up not as anxious. Thats a nice feeling. I hope it continues.

Today I have some little errands to run, so I am looking forward to everyone getting up. Its look for a job time! I feel so much better right now.

Im off to go relax until everyone gets up. My back hurts for some reason, and Im going to turn the massage on my bed and just lay there for a while. It REALLY hurts, right in the area of my right kidney. I know I dont have an infection because all I drink is ice water and unsweetened tea and I pee constantly, so I dont know what it could be. I could have just slept on it wrong. Ouch.

FEBRUARY 21, 2007

Random

Current mood:anxious

Let me tell you how I feel about therapy and church, two things that keep coming up in conversation.

Therapy is a wonderful thing and I wholeheartedly believe it works for people who truly want to get better. They used desensitization therapy to get me over my anxiety, and while its not completely cured, it sure is a lot better. I havent been treated for depression in a long time, because it hasnt been a problem, until now. I feel like therapy cannot help my current situation, because my depression is situational and not a chemical imbalance. So is the anxiety, actually. I am so anxious right now that I am shaking like Im cold and I feel like Im going to throw up. This is normal in the mornings, but this morning is pretty bad.

Now, as for church. I believe in God, but not in the passionate, fervent way that I should. I guess Im waiting for something to believe in. Everyone wants to me praise God and thank him for my life, but what exactly am I supposed to be thankful for? My life has been nothing but a nightmare with a few periods of peace in between. In order for me to be thankful, I have to compare myself to someone elses shitty life and say to myself, "Oh, well, praise God because at least I dont have it as bad as HER." This doesnt work for me. Like I said, I believe in God, but right now, I am waiting for some kind of sign, something that shows me its not all bullshit. Going to church with Kristi and Mike was a huge help but I left there still wondering.

My family will be here today. I cant believe how much this drama has touched everyones life. I cant believe how ANXIOUS I am. I cant believe I really feel this way. I cant believe that the person I thought Bryan was isnt the person that he is at all. I just feel sick.