Current mood:
morose
I don't know why, but I have been sitting here downloading some old
90's country music that I loved so much back then. I guess you could say
that I am in a "mellon collie" mood. I am very reflective and,
actually, at this moment, I am waiting for my boyfriend to (unknowingly)
make a very important decision concerning our relationship. He may
surprise me, but the decision I expect him to make would not improve my
mood. I can always hope, I guess.
I don't know why I feel so
down, besides my usual life's events. All I want to do is lie down and
sleep until I feel normal again. I want so much yet have so little and I
can't seem to pull myself out of this rut I have dug myself into.
Relationships are supposed to be based on work, and that's okay, but
this relationship is really, really hard. Everyone thinks it would be so
wonderful to be with someone who has never been in a serious
relationship before because they erroneously think that "molding"
someone into your perfect mate would be "fun." NO. NO, NO, NO, NO,
NOOOOO!!! It is a nightmare of horrific proportions. First of all, you
cannot "shape" or "mold" anyone...you have to work with what you've got,
which in my case wasn't shit. Also, you MUST have a flair for teaching,
because this is what I spend more than half my time doing. Last, you
have to have lots and lots and lots and lots of patience, something I
don't have much of at all.
I'm telling ya, I love my boyfriend so
much and I truly believe we are supposed to be together, but sometimes I
just want to walk away. He has so many faults, as do I, but he needs a
lot of growing up time as well as time to learn how to be in an adult,
mature relationship. He knows that I am very, very close to the edge
with him right now. Twice this week I have told him quite firmly that
this relationship was in grave danger and when I threatened to walk, as I
so often do, something in me made him believe me that I was serious. I
no longer have as much time and energy to devote to the development of
this relationship....the time has come to grow the fuck up (again) and I
don't need him in my way. He can either grow along with me, or he can
sit and whine and do nothing. I don't have any more time left to coddle
him, either. He has gotten quite a rude awakening from me in the last
week or so, beginning with an incident that occured last week while he
was drunk and decided to use me as his fucking verbal punching bag for
what seemed like hours while I restrained myself from punching him
square in the Adam's apple. Ever since then, my emotional distance is at
an all time high. It's hard to feel close to somebody when they
consistently and hurtfully push you away time after time. It has gotten
me to the point where I am afraid to even open my mouth sometimes, for
fear that it will spark an argument that will last for two hours and
consist mostly of side arguments that have nothing to do with the real
issue and it will end with him storming off and me sobbing in rage,
anger, and frustration. Sometimes, I can't control myself and I'll
either punch him in the side of the head (done it quite often, mostly
while drunk but a couple of times since I've been sober) or smack him
open handed right in the jaw. (This is most satisfying, let me tell ya).
This kind of stuff doesn't happen hardly at all anymore, but that
doesn't count all the times I've wanted to beat the shit out of him but
haven't. I hate feeling that way, but there IS a thin line between love
and hate. He's been forcing me to cross it.
I just know he's
going to disappoint me tonight. He has no idea that I am testing him,
but he should at least know me well enough by now to understand that
doing what I've asked him to do would be very healing to the damage he
has brought onto this relationship. Does that count? If I know someone
is going to disappoint me, is it truly a disappointment because I
expected it? Or is it only a disappointment because it hurts and it
sucks? If anyone has an opinion on this, I would really like to know.
This happens to me a lot. Disappointment is like second nature to me. I
can't believe how utterly defeated I feel. Me...who had enough spirit
for ten of me. Defeat has never been a part of my vocabulary. Until now.
I find myself once again walking with my head down. A lot of my
confidence that I worked so hard to rebuild within myself after a
lifetime of low self esteem---gone. I look in the mirror and hate what I
see, inside of me and outside of me. When asked to describe one
positive thing about myself, I have a hard time conjuring up anything. I
haven't felt this bad since my Jessie days, but this is a bit different
and maybe a little more painful, because I know that my boyfriend loves
me, without a shadow of a doubt, and all Jessie loved was his girly
panty thong thingies that he wore, that cross dressing fuck. It's worse
because knowing that someone loves you but doesn't know HOW to love you
is so much more painful than yearning for a love that could never be.
It's kind of like having a million dollars in the bank but not being
able to spend it. Yeah.
I know that I'm rambling....I don't give a
fuck, I feel like writing. I might as well do something to pass the
time, because I have approximately an hour and a half before my
boyfriend makes his decision. He still has time to surprise me but it is
running out fast.
**Note** The time has passed that I have
allotted him to "pass" my test. Not surprisingly, he failed. I just feel
kind of sick to my stomach and worn out. I'm going to go to beD....ALONE.
high
anxious
calm
mellow
sleepy
