FULL of Questions

What do you do with yourself when a bad relationship finally ends but before it does you find yourself thinking of someone else? Like, really thinking about that person ALL the time? And what if that person brings joy to your heart so that you always feel safe? What if that person spent most of their time with you? What do you do when the thought of being away from them makes you feel all panicky and...empty? Imagine this person to know everything about you, everything, everything...all the weirdness, the drug use, THE AWFUL CHILDHOOD, (LOL, all of us have one of those), and the abuse from your previous relationship? What if there was nothing that they didn't know about you? Would you feel close to this person? Would you want to be with them a lot? Would it make you feel good if you were? What about the person you were with before? What about their feelings? Does it matter? SHOULD it matter? And can you imagine that first kiss, if it ever happens, with someone who connects with you straight to your heart? I cannot imagine the emotion behind a kiss like that. What do you do when you feel like it's perfectly okay to not be with them physically because you know they're thinking about you so you don't really feel apart at all? What if the thought of touching this person made you feel like you were melting? Is it love? Is it attachment? What is it? I call it beautiful, a dopamine trip, a kick to the heart. I call it stress free. I call it fun. And comfortable. But do you call it love?

Realizations

This is a pic of me that I took yesterday. My hair is SO SO SO long now that it's becoming something of a challenge to find something to do with it. Since I have to wear it up five days out of the week I'm starting to develop a little bit of neck pain, but cut it off? NO WAY! I'm sure Andy remembers what I looked like with SHORT HAIR. Gross!

So I'm off to work this morning. Yesterday was my first night alone in our new house because Alexa went to spend the night at a friend's house. I thought I might be uncomfortable, but I really wasn't. Actually, I came home from dropping Daniel off, sat down on the couch with the remote, and didn't make it past the Preview Guide because I fell asleep promptly at nine. I don't mind, though, because I slept so well and was awake at 5:30. I used to shudder at getting up that early but I've been on day shift for a year now and I find that I really like the mornings. They're quiet and peaceful. I was probably more tired yesterday than I realized because I spent hours deep cleaning the house yesterday morning. Not that it needed it..but it was preventative cleaning. LOL.

I am really happy right now. Happier and more content and peaceful than I've been in a very long time. I like the peace of mind of only having to worry about me and my kid. I am able to keep my house immaculate (like I like it) without too much work because it's only us. I am saving money, doing more things, and going to bed later. (With the exception of last night.) I smile more and I pay more attention to how I look, because when I feel as if I look good, then I feel better about myself. Two nights ago I went to work at like 10 at night to see Daniel, and I ordered a salad. While I was eating, one of our regular customers (who is REALLY cute in my opinion) came up the counter, sat next to me, talked to me and then actually treated me like a lady and paid for my food. I didn't know what to do, it's been so long since anyone (besides Daniel who is the best friend ever) has done anything like that for me, but it made me feel really good.

I am eating better. I haven't had red meat in about two months. I eat a lot of turkey and chicken and eggs. I don't eat ANY heavy, greasy, or fried foods like I have pretty much my whole life. And I DO feel more energetic, less sleepy, and definitely less heavy. I am losing a few pounds here and there. Sometimes I miss my tacos and burgers and fried food, but that shit really hurts my stomach so I avoid it most of the time. I also don't drink a lot of soda..maybe one every two weeks or so. The rest of the time I drink mostly water and sometimes a glass of cranberry or orange juice. I have more energy overall. Now I just need to dig this treadmill out of the corner and get it to working!

I feel so positive about myself right now. Things are looking good. I'm off to work now!

Happily,
Mz. Bowailey

Madness!

Hey everyone! I am still in the process of re working this site, it's just that things keep coming up that temporarily take priority over this blog. I am working on it.

So, I have moved into my little house. I've been here a week now and I am still putting a few finishing touches on it. It's really very warm and cozy, spacious just for the two of us. The first two or three days that I lived here I really hated it, because I was struck down with some mystery illness which I am quite suspicious was the flu, and I was in pain and I cried miserably for my mommy. I was really afraid that because of that experience, I would be left with that memory when I thought of this as home and I would hate this place...but fortunately that didn't happen. I laid around sick and miserable for a few days, and then finally got around to unpacking the rest of it. Tonight I am finishing up my bedroom and my new home will be complete!

Yesterday I went grocery shopping and filled the cabinets with food. I bought chicken and ground turkey, turkey bacon, salad, spinach, fruits and vegetables, steamed and raw. I bought Cheerios and Shredded Wheat and whole wheat bread. This is keeping in adherence to one of my goals this year, which was to make better food choices and to eat healthier. This is so important to me! I have a lot of stomach problems so I have to be picky about what I put in it unless I want to be uncomfortable and/or in pain. I don't drink soda hardly at all, I mostly drink water. I have lost fourteen more pounds in the last month or so, but I know that a big part of that was being sick.

In a weird way, getting as sick as I did was like a super big ass kick start in the right direction. Being as sick as I was, I couldn't eat hardly at all. I knew better than to starve myself, but for those three days I only ate one bowl of soup each day. I drank as much water as I could and by day three I could drink juice. But by then, my stomach had kind of shrunk so I just continued to eat smaller portions. I cut my usual big breakfast in half. Now I can eat one egg, toast, and a small portion of potatoes and be full. My stomach isn't as irritated because I'm not putting as much in it, which is a nice relief. And the best part of all is that I quit smoking cold turkey, this time for good. I don't know why I ever thought smoking was something I wanted to do. I was so sick coming home from work last Saturday that I smoked a half a cigarette and haven't smoked again after that. I mean, Saturday night I was so miserable I couldn't even think about smoking, and ditto for Sunday. Sunday I felt like I was in hell. I wasn't thinking about cigarettes. By Monday I felt a little better but still not good enough for a cigarette if I had had a craving for one, which I didn't. By Monday night I decided that no matter what I wasn't going to start smoking again. It just seemed ridiculous to go three, four days without smoking and then start up again. So I won't. I do struggle sometimes, especially at work and after eating, but it's not too bad...I just do my best to forget about it and it goes away. I don't really think about it too much. I am starting a new chapter of my life in a new place which means that I am essentially travelling outside my comfort level, so trying new things can't really hurt. And this wasn't something I intended to do, at least not right now. I didn't even put it on my list of goals to accomplish this year because I wasn't sure if I should tackle it. But it came up, and guess what? I surprised myself. Pleasantly.

The first few nights here without Bryan were scary and sad. I cried a lot. I really missed him. The first two nights I slept in my bed and I tossed and turned miserably. On Monday night I slept on my brand new couch, which is actually brand new, and I slept like a fucking baby. I've been sleeping there a lot, but tonight I'm going to try sleeping in my room. It gives me anxiety for some reason, and I am trying to tackle that. Anyway, after the inital sadness of being without Bryan, I began to adjust and you know what? I FEEL FUCKING GREAT! I FEEL FREE. I feel absolutely free to do whatever I want and to be myself and the best part is that I have MONEY in the BANK! It's not a lot at all, but it's enough for me to build the foundation that I want to build. This is in reference to one of my other goals this year, which is to become financially independent and learn how to budget my money much better than I have for the last few years. Honestly, I am doing very well in that department and I feel very blessed that I do not have to live paycheck to paycheck right now. For once, I have a small cushion to fall back on, and it's MY OWN MONEY that I WORKED FOR. I just feel so good. I feel like I am coming out of the dark. I feel strong. I even feel sexy sometimes. I keep surprising myself. I laugh a lot more and I catch myself saying more positive things. It's only been a week and I can feel the burden lifting off of me.

I also did what I said I was going to do and sign up for direct deposit from work. I have been able to hoard two paychecks from the last month, so I mailed those into my bank to be deposited. From now on , that will happen automatically and that money will have to be used for bills. So far, this is working out well.

So now I have to end this because I am tired, and I still have a load of drying to do. I have to work tomorrow, but I plan on posting some pics of my new place. I love it! I am trying out a feng-shui theme, and so far it is working quite well. I have framed Chinese symbols all along the wall in the living room that stand for different things, such as love, happiness, peace, harmony, and wisdom. My couch is in an open space, and I have white candles everywhere, ready to be lit at the first sign of negative energy. The way I have it decorated gives me a sense of peace and accomplishment...because it looks really nice.

Tiredly,
Mz Bowailey

Step 1

Well, I did it. I didn't think I would but I did. I found a nice, affordable place for just Alexa and I and put the deposit down on it last week. I am waiting for my taxes to get back to me so I can pay my first month and start moving in!

One of my goals this year was to become more organized. I had the last two days off, so I spent them cleaning out all this JUNK that I have accumulated over the years. Yesterday I cleaned the kitchen out and the bathroom pantry. Today I cleaned out the storage room in our garage. It was a mess! I ended up filling up our garbage can and the whole back deck with trash. Junk. Useless papers and stuff that I don't use. But I am forcing myself to get rid of all this SHIT. I have no room for it in my new life!

I am sleeping better. Bryan is now sleeping on the couch so I have my big old bed to myself. Today when I woke up I realized that for once I had absolutely nothing to worry about. It was so refreshing! We all went to breakfast and then I worked in the garage all day. It feels so good to accomplish things.

I found a box of papers that I put aside to go through after I got done cleaning stuff out. I sat down with them and started going through them. It was all my homework from my very first semester of college FIVE YEARS AGO. It doesn't seem that long ago. I started at them for a long time, at the neat little columns of numbers and gibberish. I started thinking about what I was doing five years ago; going to school, working, and going to the gym five days a week. I was happy and positive, for the most part. Suddenly, my heart started to ache, ache badly, for how fast five years have just slipped by. I put my hands on the cool papers and suddenly felt connected to that part of myself. The part of myself that desires an education, that worked so hard for that A+ average and to get on the Presiden't list. I set goals, cleared the obstacles, and worked hard. I don't know if I have the right words exactly to explain how it felt. Like I was touching a part of my soul that hadn't been tapped in a long time...the part that knows how to take care of me.

Bryan and Daniel found an apartment, too...and it's right across the street from work and about 2 miles from me. I'm kind of glad. Even though I don't want to live with Bryan anymore, I kind of want him around just so I know he's going to be okay. As long as he doesn't depend on me anymore, I might actually enjoy being around him. Right now, we work together WAY better than we live together. Anyway, he put the deposit down on a two bedroom for him and Daniel and it's not too bad!

Everyone in this house is excited. We are all looking forward to the next chapter of our lives. And then imagine my joy when I read my outlook for the year. Here it is:

Snake Overview

The Snake has an incredibly favorable year ahead. The year of the Ox provides many opportunities for the Snake to fulfill long awaited career goals and achieve more than he/she ever imagined. Your wisdom and patience are tools that prove successful in all aspects of your life. Relationships could be taken to new heights and deep and meaningful friendships are acquired. This year proves to be one of action, the year that all of your planning and waiting pay off for you. The later months prove to be especially successful, tying a year of arduous work into an extremely blissful culmination.

Snake Rating

79% (10 favorable and 2 neutral months)

Snake Career

Your wisdom proves to be most resourceful this year, particularly in your career endeavors. Colleagues will admire your input and your opinion will be well respected among business circles. Your work will take you to new levels in your career, as you may see a promotion or a position change that offers you a direction that is more suitable to your skills. March, April and May are strong months for a career change or an upswing in your current position. Be prepared for an outstanding year in your work and don't be surprised if everything you do results in success

Snake Relationships

The Snake's social life will bring a high amount of satisfaction to you this year, as will your family life. Though you tend to be more of a loner, this year will provide occasions that may bring you out of your shell. You have always been a good listener and you will benefit from being more assertive in social situations. More to the point, you may be thrown into a position to be more assertive, rather than volunteering. Your quick thinking will prove to be most useful. Single Snakes may find the romantic relationship they seek, as romance is favored.

Snake Health

The Snake will not suffer any more than minor health issues, but you may want to watch what you eat and make it a point to exercise more often, as these may be areas that you tend to neglect. Your busy work schedule and social endeavors may make it difficult to maintain a regular schedule of exercise, but you can find time here and there to do something active. This will help your heart and may relive stress from a long work week.

Snake Wealth

The Snake will do well with your conservative approach to spending. You have always been disciplined in your finances and this year proves to be no different. If you maintain your frugal manner, you will find that you have accumulated enough by the end of the year to make a large purchase that you have been planning for a long time. If you are in doubt about a particular endeavor, don't hesitate to receive a second opinion before committing.

How's that for accurate?

Excitedly,
Mz Bowailey

My PLANS for This Year!

Me and Lynn...at the bar...in October. I think we were singing a Prince song. Ha!

Here are my plans for this year. I am documenting this as a way of reminding myself to stick to my goals, no matter how many times I may get distracted by other shit. I am NOT calling them resolutions. That's too much pressure for me. These are simply PLANS:

1.) Find and rent a nice, clean place in this same area. Without Bryan.

2.) Enroll in the Medical Transcription program, which begins in August and takes one year to complete, according to the catalog.

3.) Arrange my schedule and manage my time appropriately so that I may take the maximum number of classes I can and still work at least four days a week.

4.) Completely reorganize my life. I need to go through every nook and cranny of this house and organize all the things I want to keep and toss the things I don't. This will take a while.

5.) Pay my bills on time. This is part of being organized. I know that when I finally live alone, I will be able to get and STAY organized because no one else will be fucking up my stuff.

6.) Make better food choices. Instead of eating out, which is clean and fast but not cheap or good, I plan to cook more at home.

7.) Learn how to cook a wider variety of meals. I am going to take the foods I love and learn how to make healthier dinners with them. For instance, I LOVE grilled chicken, steamed veggies, and seasoned rice but I only know how to make it one way. I'd learn to love how to make curry chicken. I just need more cooking experience, overall.

8.) Take an actual vacation this year. Bryan, Daniel, and I are planning a trip this summer but we're not sure where we will go. We're thinking maybe Vegas. This will be sometime toward the end of summer, before Alexa starts school again and before the holidays so that we can all get the time off of work.

9.) I am going to be more honest with people regarding how I feel about them. Whenever I do that, I find that I feel better about myself as a person.

10.) I will absolutely stay true to the way that I dictate my life. Meaning that I will not adjust my living style or attitude toward things to appease someone else. I am constantly adjusting myself to others so that there is a comfort level, but once I move, I have my OWN space and I will not let anyone else run over me. I will stay true to myself and learn how to love myself again.

11.) Make time for me. I need some time for myself. With this I would like to do a little more exercise. With all the money I'll be saving by not living in this place, I would like to buy a Wii Fit and try that. I would also like to walk, which is my favorite exercise next to swimming. I need to take a few hours a week and try to lose some of this gut and FEEL better.

12.) Write more. With all the extra privacy I'll have, I absolutely intend to do more writing. I have several unfinished works in progress that need some attention. Maybe I'll even be able to get something published! But even if I don't, I will still feel great because I have accomplished that goal.

With those things in mind, I am approaching 2009 not with the usual trepidation and fear but with enthusiasm and excitement. I absolutely cannot wait to see what this year holds for all of us.

New Year's and Pictures!

Me at the airport in Flint, sick as a dog and excited to get home and see my family.
Me and Montana, who thinks I am her real mom. I don't think she knows she is a cat.
The moon and stars tat on my neck that is almost three years old now, but I love it.
Me and Alexa....I swear I look like my dad with makeup on.
Montana and Bryan...awwwwwwww.
The face that I love!

Me working on something. I don't like how fat my arms look in this pic!
Daniel again....not sure what's going on here!
Alexa, who is growing up way faster than I thought she would. Where is my toddler???!!!
Daniel on Alexa's birthday.


Taken on the east side of Flint in October when I visited Michigan. I thought this was TOO funny.





I hate new Year's. New Year's Eve is a terrible holiday. At least I don't have to worry about it too much tonight since I have to work tomorrow morning. I am really looking forward to starting fresh.

Bryan and I are getting our own seperate places come tax time. I am sick of living with other people. I am sick of worrying about everyone else and putting myself last. I am tired of paying all this expensive rent that none of us can afford. For years, I have had champagne taste on a beer budget. This time, I am doing something that I can afford and the only people that I will have to worry about is me and Alexa. I don't care if I live in a trailer, as long as it's affordable and clean.

This has been the year of me coming to terms with a lot of things about myself. Just trying to accept myself has been a challenge, but I think I'm making progress. It has been years and years since I've been independent, financially AND emotionally. I am making 2009 all about me. I have finally learned the value of hard work and independence. I don't WANT a relationship or feelings or anything extraneous like that interfering with my plans for this year. I need ALONE time. All I want to do is work, pay my bills, and work toward becoming even more independent by finishing school. I really need to; I can't wait tables forever. I love my job but it's barely enough to support myself so I have to find something else to do. Not only that, but I am really going to try and pursue a career that I can take with me anywhere I go, since I still have wanderlust....but at least I'll be able to support myself anywhere I go.

Bryan and I are still together, still going strong, but realistically, he has never lived on his own and I haven't lived alone for over five years. We both need this. It will either make or break our relationship I guess, but neither one of us are stressing it, really. This is just something that we need to do. If we don't make it, we don't make it but if we do then he's going to be forced to make some kind of commitment to me. Not marriage, because I don't think I want to do that again, but something. I guess we'll cross that bridge if and when we come to it. Not that important right now.

2008 brought someone special into ALL our lives. In March, a friend of ours needed a temporary place to stay so I rented him our third bedroom. He is still here and has become an absolutely integral part of our family. When we move, him and Bryan will get a place together. His name is Daniel and he is probably the closest person to me down here. We got close about three weeks after he moved in, when I got him a job at my restaurant. We ended up on the same shift and just became very good friends over the months. We all love him, he's very smart and a good person with a good heart, a hard worker, very responsible (did I mention clean?) and carries with him a special persona that I don't think anyone else could get away with. I intend to know Daniel for the rest of my life...and I know Bryan feels the same way. His friendship and common sense is carrying me through this time that I have to spend in Pensacola. Right now I miss him a lot because he is visiting his family in Washington for the holidays.

Tonight, I will probably make dinner and everything but I don't think I'll stay up til midnight. I have to work in the morning anyway. This is always an emotional holiday for me. But at least this year I have made some actual concrete plans that will take shape sometime in February probably.

This is what 2009 means to me:
7 years since I lost Heather to a heroin overdose. It seems like longer.
9 years since one of my closest friends, Tom, died in a tragic accident.
3 years for me and Bryan.
28 years since my mother died.
2.5 years since I quit binging on drugs.
1 year since I've drank. (This is not a hard one.)
2 years that I've been in Florida. (Already!)

Happy New Year to everyone! Here are some pics.....

December Ramblings

This is me and my BFF, Lynn. I went to Michigan and visited everyone last month and that included a trip out to the bar with my friends. I absolutely don't drink alcohol anymore, so while everyone was living it up, I sat and drank cup after cup of coffee and enjoyed being social for the first time in almost two years.

Living here in Pensacola, I don't get out much. I work a lot and pay my bills and everything is extremely normal, but I just don't go anywhere. I don't want to. I have wondered if maybe I have fallen into some kind of depresssion, but I really don't think that's it. I think I am just bored. I miss my Michigan friends a lot. It's hard for me to make friends and bond with new people because I don't trust anyone. It takes a long time for someone to earn my trust. I don't want to experience the inevitable feelings of hurt and betrayal that come along with someone violating your trust, so I just stick to the friends and family that I know. I don't get much alone time and it makes me long for the times when I did live alone. I feel kind of lost lately. I have a lot of medical problems right now and I don't really have anyone to confide in. So even though I have people around me all the time, I feel more lonely than I have in a long time. I miss Lynn like there's no tomorrow, and my grandma, even Flint. The culture here is so different than what I'm used to. I didn't factor that in before I ran away from my problems in Flint, but it wouldn't have mattered anyway. I needed to get out of Flint. It's a ghost town.

So I feel kind of lonely and kind of lost. I long for someone to connect with emotionally, but given my current situation, I am stuck. It's okay, though. I remain optimistic.