I'm Getting A Little Ridiculous

This is me and Bryan today. Alexa took this picture and she said something smart. As I raised my eyebrows at her she took it, so I look a little silly. But I dont care. Look at how long my hair is getting! I am so excited about this. I do need to cut it though, because the ends are a little dead. And I also need to dye it because the top and sides of my head are almost completely gray. The parts that are not gray are a dull, almost colorless brown. I just keep putting it off for money reasons. I know once I dye my hair it will take years off of my face. It always does. But at least I look happy and like I said yesterday, unafraid of the camera.

Today I tried on a pair of shorts that I bought last summer from Wal Mart. I picked them up off the clearance rack and bought them without trying them on. I couldnt get them on when I got home, they were so tight they were cutting off my circulation and the zipper wouldnt go all the way up. To make matters worse, they were low riders, which I have a hard time wearing not only because I am FAT, and I dont think FAT people should wear LOW RIDERS, but because I also carry almost all my weight in the front of my stomach. So I pitched them into the closet. Before I moved to Florida from Michigan, I tried them on again and this time they would go on and stay zipped, but they were still pretty tight. Today, I pulled them out of the closet once again, and tried them on. Now, I can pull them off and on without unbuttoning OR unzipping them, and the most surprising thing is that now they are just like all my other pants...I have to keep hitching them up when I walk. Alexa, my smart ass daughter, says, "Mom, it's because you have no butt to hold them up." Which is true. The little jerk. But oh well. Last year I couldnt even get them on. This year I have to hitch them up. Thats all I care about.

Before and After

It almost hurts to look at this picture of me up there. Look at how FAT I was. Holy shit, dude! This picture was taken in August of 2005, when I was so fat that I had no other choice but to pay extra for first class whenever I flew on an airplane because I was so uncomfortable in coach seats. This was when I could put down so much food in one sitting it was ridiculous. I started this journal shortly after this pic of me was taken.

This is what I look like now. Of course, I dont have a full length picture because I havent taken one in so long. I'm used to shying away from the camera, but now that I'm losing weight and it shows, it's not so scary to see myself in graphic detail. I wrote a whole entry about it in my other journal that I have and I thought I would cheat and copy and paste it here:

Other changes
Current mood: ecstatic

"I stepped on the scale today for the first time in a while, and was shocked and amazed to see that I am steadily losing weight still. I dont know why, because I eat pretty good, but I havent been drinking a lot of pop and shit like that. I stick to water or tea most times. Last year, I started keeping a diet journal because I found myself at a whopping 308 pounds. I couldnt believe it. It all started when I got married. The wonderful man that my husband is, our marriage was boring by my standards and I did nothing but stuff my face. I was HUGE.

Anyway, I have been losing weight steadily all year long, but not alarmingly so. I will admit that it is a big mystery why all of a sudden it is falling off, but I dont care. Today, I stepped on the scale, as I said earlier, and I now weigh 57 pounds lighter than I did this time last year. 57 pounds! I can tell the difference in the way my clothes fit, which is to say pretty much all of my pants are too big, but I didnt realize how much better I look because we dont have a full length mirror here. Last night, Bryan and I went to the lesbian bar with some friends of ours, and I dressed up in a black low cut top, jeans, and black boots. I wore my hair down and scrunched it all up. When I walked out of the bathroom, Bryan wore a stunned expression and said, "Damn! You look GOOD!" He meant it, too, and that made me feel so nice! When I was in the bathroom at the bar, I checked myself out in the full length mirror and while I still have a ways to go, I can see the difference myself. All I can say is...I like it. Much better.

So thats my happy news I wanted to share. Pretty soon I will post a full sized picture of myself on here. I would like to post more than one so I can see how I looked before and after. For once in my life, I dont cringe when someone pulls out a camera and says, 'Let's take a picture!' "

Family Beach Fun

Lynn is here, thank GOD! We went to the beach the first night they got here and this is a picture of Bryan buried in the sand (easy to do, he's a midget) holding Bella who was laughing her BUTT off at me and Lynn and her mom, who were crouched in front of her instigating her to make this funny face that is just downright hilarious. I have it on video and will be uploading it here soon.

Not much new to report. Just hanging out, enjoying the sun, trying not to get burned, and spending time with family. The other day I took my nephew Ricky and Bryan to a place for a job interview...they both had one at the same place a half an hour away from each other...and Ricky's was first. As he got out of the car he teasingly said to Bryan, "Time to steal a job away from a pudgy little gnome."

Mrz. Bowailey

Little Bit of This and That

Look at that prominent butt chin.

Wow.

Anyway....so when I got off work today, I was determined to sit on my ass and not do anything at all, but, be that as it may, I have just received word from Lynn that she is coming to visit! I am so excited. My work schedule is a little overwhelming but I'll have two days in a row to spend with her and I can't WAIT. I really do miss my friends.

I am SO GLAD to see you, Ms. Cherie! That means that I haven't been forgotten. (Collective "awwwww from the audience.) But seriously.

My life is so different. I guess you could say its still in transition, but this time it's a good one. My relationship has grown stronger, more connected, and intimate. We have both matured quite a bit. Life REALLY is peaceful here. It's very stress free. No family obligations to worry about, no drama, no drugs, and no drinking. I am trying hard to get my life back where it's supposed to be and the old Sondra is emerging from her shell in full force right now. All the tears, the pain, the grief, the heartache, the sicknesses of the body and mind, the addictions, and other negative forces are peeling back to reveal a stronger, more effective me. I can't believe I crashed down as hard as I did, but I guess it was meant to happen this way. Alexa is happier too, although she's bored. Right now she's visiting family so we have the house to ourselves. It's almost TOO quiet. But we're raking in these small moments with each other because they are what counts the most.

I'm thinking of making Alexa a co author on this blog. People are probably interested in what she has to say. I'm tired of speaking for her. Not only that, but we both have talents for reading and writing, and it is something that we both enjoy, so why not enjoy doing it together? This blog is about The Bowaileys, not just Bryan and Sondra but Alexa too. Why not let her put her two cents in? I would love to see what she has to say. What do you all think?

Now that I'm actually THIRTY, and not just saying it, I have been taking stock of my life and all the changes. I am proud of who I am and even prouder for who I hope to become. I didn't go through this alone. Everyone I know who loves me has went through it as well...like certain cousins who will remain unnamed who had to field phone calls from me at all hours when I was really losing my mind, or certain friends who would firmly but lovingly put things into perspective when I was too hard headed to listen to reason. I love you all and I thank you all for being there. Now, let's turn the page.

Lovingly,
Mrz. Bowailey

Our Nutty Family

Yesterday Alexa and I were making up songs to sing to Bella while we sat outside with her. We made them up to the tune of "If youre happy and you know it clap your hands." I sang one to her that went like this:

We wont drop a babe on her head
No we wont drop a babe on her head
Cuz the baby will go splat and that will be the end of that
No, we wont drop a babe on her head.

LOL

Then some guy sped by in a gay little BMW convertible and I sang to him, too.

I dont give a fuck about your car
No, I dont give a fuck about your car
You can take all your cash and you can kiss my big fat ass
No, I dont give a fuck about your car.

Now that shits gonna be stuck in my head all day. Damn.

Balm For My Soul Right Now

Oh, the devil has got a grip on me right now and I mean it...

A Psalm of David.

1 The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

2 When the wicked, even mine enemies and my foes, came upon me to eat up my flesh, they stumbled and fell.

3 Though an host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear: though war should rise against me, in this will I be confident.

4 One thing have I desired of the LORD, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD, and to enquire in his temple.

5 For in the time of trouble he shall hide me in his pavilion: in the secret of his tabernacle shall he hide me; he shall set me up upon a rock.

6 And now shall mine head be lifted up above mine enemies round about me: therefore will I offer in his tabernacle sacrifices of joy; I will sing, yea, I will sing praises unto the LORD.

7 Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice: have mercy also upon me, and answer me.

8 When thou saidst, Seek ye my face; my heart said unto thee, Thy face, LORD, will I seek.

9 Hide not thy face far from me; put not thy servant away in anger: thou hast been my help; leave me not, neither forsake me, O God of my salvation.

10 When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up.

11 Teach me thy way, O LORD, and lead me in a plain path, because of mine enemies.

12 Deliver me not over unto the will of mine enemies: for false witnesses are risen up against me, and such as breathe out cruelty.

13 I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.

14 Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.

---

It's Been a LONG Time!

Well, guess who's back?? That's right, the Bowailey's are back. It's been a long time, but we had to take a little hiatus for a while. A LOT of shit was going on, and I chose to take down my website because of certain people, namely my cousin Sarah. I was afraid she would read my journal and use shit against me. To make a long story short, she tried to pull Bryan away from me and it worked, just not to her advantage and not for a long period of time. Little did I know that Sarah would be the least of my worries.

I have since found out that I have was cheated on sometime at the end of January. Bryan and I got into a nasty altercation in March. A couple of them. We were broke up, but we still saw each other from time to time and he always told me how much he loved me and how much he missed me but we were like oil and water, man. Not good together. However, a couple of days after hearing about how much he loves me and misses me, I dropped by his house (I had a reason, I'm just not going to detail it here) and, to make a long story short, he had a girl over there. A nasty one who had !TITS! popping out all over. Needless to say, I flipped out. Because I really didnt think things could get any worse than the Sarah situation. But they did, dramatically. I restrained myself from beating her ass but I DID try to run him over. After that, I completely fucking avoided having anything to do with his ass and started making plans to move back to Pensacola. One night, I went out with Lynn and Bryan's best friend, who is ALSO my friend, Dave, and we accidentally ran into Bryan at the same place. I was looking around for !TITS! but I didn't see her. He actually ended up being there with ANOTHER girl, this one was real ugly but she at least had enough respect for herself to dress decently. AND she left me alone, which was a very smart choice. This is another long story, but I'm going to make it short. He ended up leaving the bar with me that night. Not because we were intoxicated, which we were NOT. He approached me, and we began talking (it must have been the pills I was taking because, at the time, I totally hated his fucking guts) and one thing led to another and his hand was on my leg and we were laughing and talking and I forgot all about the girl he was with who was off in the corner calling everyone on her cell phone. I heard this from the bartender afterwards, who thought it was funny. We've been together ever since. Reparations have been made, apologies made and accepted, and I am trying hard to move on.

It's harder than I thought it would be. Little things keep popping up to remind me of !TITS! and the fact that he had sex with her more than once. It makes me sick to think that all the nights I was home alone, crying, wishing I was dead, and drinking myself to death he was running around with this saggily endowed moo cow and fucking her. And taking pictures of her moobs, which is MY word for "cow tits." And leaving them on his phone, which is how I found them. Yes, I was snooping. I have every god damn right to. Period. Finding the picture of her is actually a new development. I am so fucking mad about that that I slept on the couch last night. I still don't feel like being anywhere near him, which is good since he's not here. He's working right now.

He was using the phone I gave him to text message bitches, most of whom I didn't know, and one girl in particular who he admits he kissed one night WHILE he was living with me. Then he goes off and kisses MY COUSIN, who is also a dirty ass no respect having bitch. THEN I find him with !TITS! and after that, the other girl who I don't have a mean name for since she didn't do anything to me really. I kinda felt sorry for her. It must suck to spend some time with a guy and think it's all going well, only to have him dump you in front of all your friends in a public place to be with his ex girlfriend, who only days before was his sworn enemy. I'm not being sarcastic here. I'm sure she got over it. She SHOULD be thanking me.

But with the exception of his obvious disregard for my feelings regarding !TITS! he's actually been pretty good. He's been making serious efforts to grow up and be a man instead of the baby I've been coddling him into being. He's been warmer, more sensitive, and definitely more considerate. I feel like we've gotten a lot closer and, likewise, we've matured together. However, today I am pissed off. It's not like before where I was like, "Oh baby, oh baby, I need you, blah blah blah." Now I let him know that he can walk out that door forever and NOTHING can hurt as bad as what he's already put me through. I am prepared for anything.

So, that's a Bowailey update. I have more but I don't have time to write it all right now. I have to get ready for a couple of job interviews that I have today, back to back. Wish me LUCK!