On the way home from class today, I heard the song "Something to Believe In" by Poison, which really struck a chord with me and I began to cry a little. I don't know why, but lately I've been feeling hopeless, trapped, stagnant. Yet, at the same time, I feel satisfied with where my life is right now, so I don't understand these feelings. All I want to do is cry and run the fuck out of here. This in itself is not unsual. It usually takes about three months of stability before I get restless and want a change of scenery. But I feel strangely unsettled in a way I have never felt before. I feel like nothing I do is going to change it. But why? I don't get it. I have a doctor's appointment today, and they just changed my medication, so I am thinking that maybe that has something to do with it? I don't like feeling like my old bipolar self. I like the sane, rational Sondra a lot better. I do not want to embark on another three or four month crusade of negative feelings and extremes. I just want to be normal. But to be honest, what I want to do right now is get really drunk and go anywhere..anywhere but here.

For the last two weeks I have not had the energy to do my hair or put on makeup. That has a lot to do with the fact that I am on the wrong dosage of medication for my thyroid, I'm sure, but is it affecting all areas of my life and making me crazy? And by me even thinking that, am I allowing it to happen? I just don't know. I am not looking forward to my appointment, because this doctor does not evaluate. All she wants to do is find out if the medication's okay. I hate it. I don't want to go, but I have to. Just like everything else I do in my life I do because I have to. I want to do something that will benefit no one else but me. I want to keep something in my life all to myself. I'm sick of sharing. I want to be ALONE, by myself. I don't know. I am just angry and sick of it all. I want to get in my car, go somewhere, create a new identity, and never come back. Time has already proven I can't stay away from Lynn, so I would keep in contact with her. And of course, with Andyro. But no one else. I don't really mean that, but I do in this moment right now. This is getting me nowhere so I am ending this now.

Please click on this link.

This is a website that my mother in law sent to us. Shawn and I moved from the gulf coast of Florida to Michigan when Hurricane Dennis hit, and we were also in Florida for his sister's wedding when Katrina hit. All we got from Katrina were some power outages and minor wind damage, thank God. But in September of 2004 we got hit by Hurricane Ivan, and hard. I remember the panicky, helpless feeling I had when that was going on...not knowing if our house was still standing, etc. It was God awful. And then when Katrina hit it was worse, wiping out the Gulf Coast from Mobile to New Orleans. This link will take you to a presentation done by a resident of Biloxi, Mississippi, which was hit very hard by Katrina. Shawn and I have spent our last two anniversaries in Biloxi casino hotels. (Isle of Capri and Beau Rivage). I am very familiar with the Biloxi/Ocean Springs/Gulfport areas....they no longer exist. There are pictures in this presentation of hotels sitting crookedly across the street from their foundation. There is a picture of Beau Rivage, and it looks good, but then you see how the back of it is completely torn apart. Also, living on the Gulf, everyone is familiar with the bi-coastal waterways that get you from one point to another by going across the water. There are several pictures in here of the one that connects Ocean Springs to Biloxi and it is gone, just gone. The presentation is a little over five minutes long and by the time it got three minutes through it, I was crying. Mostly because I have been to these places and I have seen the devastation first hand. Also because the Gulf Coast was my home for three years. It's so sad it's beyond words. And the music he added to the slideshow..could not have been more perfect. (Pay special attention to the pictures that come up when the song says, "When your walls come crumbling down (one picture)..I will always be around (another picture.) It must be noted that two structures in Biloxi withstood Katrina..the old lighthouse that has been there for several decades, and a church that stands amidst the ruin, basically untouched.

I know we have been inundated with hurricane stuff and everyone is sick of hearing it, but please take a look at this. Leave me a comment and let me know what you think.

http://www.datasync.com/~magee/hurricane_katrina_relief.wmv

Isn' t this so flattering? And isn't it SO me?

I used to have a blog on AOL that I wrote in when I was charting my diet stuff. It got boring writing down what I had to eat each day and instead I started writing about everything from politics to the skinny bitches at the gym. Being that this journal was on AOL, I had to censor most everything I said because the majority of the AOL community is made up of whining ass cry baby half wits that think words like "fuck" and "bitch" are "offensive." So I really wasn't able to let it all hang out. Well, here I can, and I love that I can, so what I did for the last few hours was go through my AOL journal and copied and pasted EACH AND EVERY ENTRY and emailed it to the email address I use for storage. Then I am going to post these old entries randomly. Most of them are not very entertaining, but there were a few that gave me a chuckle, like this one, which was written in April of 2004.



Okay...time for another Sondra list. I have nothing better to do, my cousin is watching TV with Shawn, and I am bored outta my gourd. (sp?) So I am going to make another list. Or two. Or maybe three. Who knows? And furthermore, who cares? LOL.


Okay, here we go.....
MY BAD PERSONALITY TRAITS
I don't like talking to strangers.
I can't stand crowds.
I have no patience.
I'm loud and I yell frequently.
I have a loud, barking laugh that is really embarassing.
I hate to not get my way, and usually, I find a way to get it.
I'm not usually friendly---I'm pretty stand-offish.
I am EXTREMELY competitive. In everything. Especially when I drive. I don't drive to get where I'm going; I drive to get there FIRST.
I have really bad road rage and have been known to pull my car over on the side of the road and challenge people to fight.
I slammed my hand so hard on my steering wheel once, in a fit of frustration, that my horn came on and wouldn't go off until someone disconnected it.
I like really loud music and tend to play it with no regard for the neighbors. (They're pretty cool...they get me back by slamming their door and sending their three year old brat outside to play at 7 AM on the weekends.)
I tend to stereotype people in a bad way. That part of me I really can't stand. Like, when I see a group of teenage girls I think, "Oh what a bunch of valley-girl idiots" or when I see a bunch of teenage guys, I assume they are talking about me. When I see people getting pulled over I just assume they're going to jail. Pretty bad.
I have no tolerance, and I mean NONE, for today's top 40 music. I try to forbid my 10 year old to listen to it but I know that won't get me anywhere. But I just can't stand all that hip hop crap. Whatever happened to Motley Crue and Skid Row being on the Top 40? I'd rather hear "Sweet Child O Mine" then "Bet I have you naked by the end of this song". And our kids are listening to this! Agh!
I don't like to get close to people. I have lost three of my childhood friends already, and I don't want to go through it ever again, so I tend to keep people at a distance.
I HATE to clean. HATE IT.
I HATE to cook. I never do it.
I tend to eat Subway in the car and leave the wrappers and trash in it overnight, until the next day when it's 80 degrees out and my car smells like boiled ham.
Uh, I think it goes without saying that sometimes I can be pretty lazy. :)
I am very irritable.
I have no fashion sense.
I hate to have my nails done.
I swear too much.

Okay, that's all I can think of. I'm going to try and think of more. LOL.

This is one of my favorite pictures of me. It was taken after I got home from going to dinner with my friends from Pensacola Junior College, Melissa and Whitney. I sometimes miss my long, full, gorgeous curly hair that everyone complimented me on. I was like, "But it's fake." "It doesn't matter, it goes great with your green eyes." "Uh, well, my eyes aren't really green. They're blue." LOL.

Sometimes I really miss Florida. Not very often, but sometimes. Probably because I am experiencing end of the semester burn out and I miss PJC. PJC was a good commnity college, one of the best in the state of Florida. Hard to believe I've been in school for almost two years now. I remember how scared I was the first day, and now it all comes so naturally to me. (Yeah fucking right. Who am I kidding? I have a ton of papers to write and here I am, wasting my energy on this. LOL.)

So anyway, I have fifteen minutes more that I have allotted myself before it's time to start the laundry and spaghetti, and then after that I have to work on assignments. But I wanted to take this opportunity to tell everyone about this fucking asshole prick that's in my psychology class. Matter of fact, I am going to call him "Dick." See, Dick thinks he is smarter than the teacher. (Where he gets this information, I don't know.) And not only does he feel that he is superior to her, he also feels superior to others. Well, those that know me well know that that shit don't fly with me. Even if you are superior in some way, there is no reason to act like a fucking asshole. So anyway, we're sitting class yesterday and the teacher is going over some material for our next test. The whole time she's speaking, Dick is talking loud enough for her to hear and loud enough to distract the class. It's as if he could care less. She told him to knock it off and continued with her lecture. He didn't stop though. He continued making sarcastic little comments, such as, "I don't need this class anyway," or "Dyad is spelled D-Y-A-D, NOT D-I-A-D." The teacher, who really IS a horrible speller and admits it, just laughed it off but I was getting more and more irritated. I live my life by the rule that you treat people the way you yourself would want to be treated. There is no reason to treat anyone as if you feel you are better than them. I don't associate with people like that. So anyway, he wouldn't quit talking and distracting the class, so the teacher decided to take action. This is what happened. (By the way, I should mention that this class takes place in a video interaction room. So while she is teaching us in person, she is also teaching the same class, by video, to a class in Cass City, about an hour from here.)

Teacher: "Hey, Dick, you need to stop playing back there. You're distracting the class. Hey Cass, City, take a look at Dick. You can watch what he's doing." She aims the camera right at him, and he doesn't like it.

Dick: "Hey, I don't need that right on me."

(Teacher ignores him. He's a big guy, so most of the class keeps silent.)

Dick begins packing up his things in a huff. I guess he doesn't like it when people put him on the spot.

Teacher: "Where are you going? This is important material you need to know for your test."

Dick, pissy: "I don't need to worry about it. This class is like cake to me." (He actually says it just like that. Like a prissy schoolgirl. Only problem is, he used the euphemism out of context. He should have said, "This class is as easy as cake." But, since he's obviously a genius, he makes up his own phrases. I shudder to be in the presence of such brilliance.

Teacher: "Okay then. Tell me about the arousal theory."

Dick, unpeturbed: "The arousal theory is about sex."

There are a few laughs in the room. Most people think he is joking, and I am one of them. The text says nothing about sex in reference to the arousal theory. I know, because I've read it like a good little student. But I think he is just being an ass, until I turn around in my chair and see that he is clearly not joking.

Teacher: "Sex? Okay. In what way? What does the arousal theory state?"

Dick: "Well, it's about sex and I don't have to answer that question anyway." (His tone of voice is combative and his body language suggests he's defensive. I haven't spent two years studying psychology and social work for nothing.)

Teacher, laughing: "Well, it's your choice, but I think you should stay for the rest of the lecture."

Dick: "No, I'm not going to sit here and put up with this." And then he begins to bitch about the teacher, how she can't spell, how there's no homework and that's a good thing because a second grader could pass this class, and blah blah blah. I can't remember all that he said, because I was, to be honest, more than a little embarassed that he would speak to her like that. And as he continues to speak, I start to feel anger coming on. I mean, I'm a nice person but I can be outspoken at times, especially against people like him. I don't appreciate sitting there having to listen to a litany of bullshit from some half wit prick just because he feels as if his rights are being infringed upon. This is the same guy who came to class last test day, signed the attendance sheet, and slipped out the door. Then he concocted some pity story in order to get the teacher to let him take the test late, when the rest of us had to take it on the day scheduled. That's pussy shit. And I don't respect pussies at all. So, after about two minutes of listening to his mouth, I turned around in my seat and said," Do you think you're smarter than the rest of us?"

You could have heard a pin drop, but then again, there were a few people giggling as well. Most people that I talk to in that class don't like him anyway, so everyone was staring at me, the quiet one, wondering what it was that I was going to say. I didn't disappoint them.

He didn't answer, just looked at me as if I were really quite stupid, then mumbled something about being smarter than the teacher. I responded with, "Well, you're distracting everyone else and I think you're an asshole." Then I turned back around in my seat and stared straight ahead. Some people openly laughed. He didn't respond, just grabbed his backpack and left. I don't play games like that with people. I refuse to let some fucker with a small dick make me feel inferior to anything. From the first day he joined the class, he made sure he came across as arrogant as possible. That just shows me he has low self esteem for some reason. Maybe he really does have a small dick, but he's not going to waste my time and money by showing his ass. He can do that somewhere else. I look forward to class on Wednesday to see if he's there. And if he is, I am just waiting for him to say something else that I can jump on. The teacher can defend herself; she's a clinical psychologist and has probably seen a lot of people like him in her day. But he is not going to sit there and waste my time with his bullshit. I am not the one. Not only that, but there is no way that he is smarter than everyone in that class. Not even on his best day. And he definitely NOT smarter than me. Passivity is not in my blood. But competition is. So I am waiting to see if he says anything to me at all. If he does, he will regret it.

Someday, I am going to go back to a weight that is comfortable for me. Anywhere between 135 and 180. (Big difference, I know. Shut up.)

When I do, I expect a lot of things to change. Me, I'll still be the same person, just with more self confidence. But everyone around me is going to change.

I don't mean significant others. I'm not talking about my husband or Lynn or even Andyro. I'm talking about people I don't know, people who see me and think, "Gee. She's got such a pretty face. What a shame."

Why is it a shame? Can't I still be fat and be a beautiful person? Inwardly, maybe, but on the outside..never. This is the only part of me that I hate so much it keeps me awake at night. I am so tired of worrying about it. I mean, when you've gotten to be as big as I am, you have to take every little thing into consideration. Fitting into clothes..and seats. Making sure the seatbelt on an airplane will fit around me. Feeling anger and despair as most strangers that I make eye contact with QUICKLY AVERT THEIR EYES. They do it because they're thinking something negative and don't want me to notice. I do it too sometimes. I used to do it back when I was classified as "overweight" and not "obese." Obese people freaked me out and disgusted me. I was petrified of becoming one of them. And now I am.

I miss being flirted with. I LOVE the attention. It has been so long that I can't even remember. Now I get flirted with maybe once a year, and always by someone so undesirable it's almost hysterically funny when it happens. And, unfortunately, if someone desirable were to hit on me, I would look around for the hidden cameras. Because I don't find myself attrative physically so I cannot imagine why anyone else would. Don't confuse that with low self esteem. My self esteem is healthy. It's just that I really hate the way that I look and I think everyone knows it. I was not born fat. I was kinda chubby as a kid, and as a teenager I think I had maybe an extra 15 or 20 pounds at the most on me. This is new to me. I haven't weighed myself recently, but I was really close to 300 pounds last time I checked. Granted, I do have hypothyroidism, which, according to my doctor, accounts for a good 80% of my weight gain. The other 20% is laziness, lack of exercise, and really bad eating habits, which I had all before my thyroid gave out.

I recently got my insurance and now I am waiting to see if I am a candidate for the lap band surgery. I have been checking into this for months now. I don't know how much insurance will cover, but it seems like the perfect solution for me. It's surgery, but it's not as invasive as a gastric bypass, it can be adjusted, and the best part is that they put you through nutrition classes and intense psychotherapy before going through with the surgery itself. I am all for that. That is fine with me. But I want to do it soon, because every time I look in the mirror I want to cry. I saw this kid on TV who weighed almost 450 pounds, and he said, "I don't see myself the way other people see me. Other people see me as this fat kid. I know I'm fat, but I don't picture myself that way." EXACTLY. That is exactly how I feel. Sometimes I forget I'm fat until I look in the mirror, then I quickly look away. I feel like the best years of my life are going down the drain and I want to stop this madness. I want to do things, like play one on one basketball with my daughter, or bowl three games without working up a sweat. I want to have sex in more than three or four positions! I want to go to Cedar Point and ride the rides. I want to get on an airplane and not worry about those fucking seatbelts. I want to buy clothes that don't have pictures of fruit and flowers on them. I WANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY, GOD DAMMIT.

So there you have it. There is my inner demon that tortures me, day and night. I want it to stop. No one knows how bad I want it to stop. I would really do just about anything to have that surgery. Once the weight is off, I know it won't come back. I want to feel feminine and sexy again. I just want to be me again. LOTS of people have done it. Why not me? I need it more than I need anything else right now. I don't want to enter the workforce again as a big fat ugly slob with short spiky black hair. (That's what I look like right now. I guarantee I never would have cut all my hair off if I wasn't so fat. I just figured, what the hell. It's not like I'm attractive right now anyway.)

One more thing before I go, since it's WAYYYYYYYYYYY past my bedtime. I really hate it when people say things to me like, "There's a lot of guys out there that prefer big women." Yuck. They can go on and prefer them all they want to. I am not a fetish, or some kind of freaky circus sideshow. And not to mention, I am bisexual, so I know what I find attractive in a woman. I like women who are (BAD PHRASE PLEASE FORGIVE ME I AM VERY TIRED) ethnic looking, voloptuous and curvy. I don't care at all for toothpicks. And there is no woman on earth that is pretty enough to be attractive to me if she weighs over 300 lbs. That may seem like a double standard, and I am not totally ruling it out, but it's highly unlikely. I guess maybe I apply my personal beliefs to everyone else, although I am well aware that not everyone thinks like I do. But I know what I look like naked, and I surely don't want to be face to face with THAT.

LOL. Heard enough? Me too. I'm going to bed. And dream of medium size shirts and hip hugger jeans that don't leave me with a thick ass fat roll hanging all around out of my shirt. Someday, someday, someday. Sigh.

I am testing this to see if it will work. As you can see, I am not very skilled at blogspot yet, which is why I haven't adverstised it so far. I am checking to see if this is a viable way to post pictures with an entry. I hope it works.

This is me and my husband sometime early last year. He doesn't always look psycho. LOL. Matter of fact, he rarely looks psycho. I've only seen him look psycho once and that was when he inadvertently read my post about Heath. As soon as I saw the first anonymous post, I knew it was him. I cannot describe the gut wrenching feeling I had. I never, ever wanted to hurt this man, because he really is a kind and gentle soul who loves me completely even with all my faults that probably piss him off on a daily basis. He lets me do whatever I want to do, spend as much money as I want to spend, and does anything I ask him to do. Oh, and did I mention that he just loves the laundry? No, my marriage isn't always a great one, but I love my husband. Sometimes I wonder if we're a perfect fit. Sometimes I wonder if we rushed into marriage without thinking? (We only knew each other for four months before we got married.) It's a struggle sometimes, because even after being married for almost three years, I am still the kind of person who is happier alone than sharing my space with someone. I think I was still upset over my break up with the panty wearing faggot and rushed into a relationship with Shawn. Not that the relationship itself is a bad thing, but I am normally a very conscientious person who doesn't rush into serious decisions. However, even though it's been hard, I'm glad I did it, because Shawn is really good to me. I really haven't been with anyone that loves me like he does. So I wanted to clear that up so I don't come across as a cold hearted bitch.

Yes, I know this is my journal and my intent was to keep it a secret from him so I would have a chance to vent. But then stupid me posted the link on my old journal that he reads, so he innocently followed the link and the first thing he read was my post about Heath..and on his 30th birthday, no less. So I felt pretty small, because I would rather kill myself than hurt him. We fought pretty bad that day.

So, Shawn, I want you to know I love you. And I DO appreciate you. And now I'm going to end this post and go into the bedroom and cuddle with you because you are the cuddliest person I know.

Sorry guys, but I had to do this. What you see here in this post are two of the best friends I have ever had, not counting my cousin Andyro because she's family. And even though they look goofy, trust me when I say that they are anything but. They are trustworthy, honest, supportive, and caring. Yes, this is the infamous Lynn and I can't think of a fake name for her husband so I'll just refer to him as (hee hee, ha ha, he'll like this...James. James it is, buddy.) Lynn and I have been friends for a long time, eleven years or so, and boy have we had some fun times as well as bad. We have run away, went on the run, panhandled people for money, got arrested (me, not her), witnessed each other doing things that most people won't admit to, went nuts together, and even shared a few love interests along the way. Our friendship hasn't always been good, mostly due to my complete and total, for lack of a better word, psycho ness. When I moveed to Florida I accused her of not being my real friend, although nothing could be further from the truth. I can't tell you how many times I lived with her because I had nowhere else to go, or how much money she's spent on me over the years when I had none. She never let me go without anything, even when I annoyed and irritated her, and believe me, I can do that quite easily. She hated my exboyfriend, which turned out to be a good judgment call, because the guy was a total fag and wore women's clothing. I seemed to think that that was acceptable behavior, whereas Lynn tried to gently remind me that he gave her really weird feelings, as well as most everyone that came into contact with him. Usually, when I don't listen to her, I suffer the consequences and that experience was no exception. We went without speaking for nearly two and a half years after a big, huge fight that really wasn't necessary in its hostility. It didn't take long for me to miss her and our friendship. But it took me a long time to make that phone call. I know she loves me, or she would have never picked up the phone in the first place. And ever since then, I do not evaluate our friendship at all because I KNOW it's for real and I could not be more thankful for having her in my life. I really do love you, Lynn, a lot, even though I don't say it much. I didn't realize how much I missed you until you weren't around. Even though you make me feel "rushed rushed" sometimes (LOL) it's worth it because it's always an adventure with you. Thank you so much for being there for me and don't you ever doubt my loyalty for one second, ever again. I love your entire family and would never hurt you, or them. I know we don't ever talk about it, but I am happy to see the trust is there. And I want you to know that I don't give a fuck what anyone else says or thinks. They can kiss my fat fucking ass. I love you!! And as for you, James..(LOL)..well, shit, where do I begin. Let's just make it as short as possible. You know that I love you and I think of you as a brother, kind of, because that's the kind of relationship we have. I know I get on your nerves, and believe me, you do things that get on my fucking nerves too, but the bottom line is, I know you love my friend with all your heart and I know you love your children to the death..and I think you are a wonderful person. You take care of your family, you work hard, and you are a good friend. I told Lynn this and I don't know if she told you or not, but I feel very lucky to have your friendship because we both know I don't really deserve it. We have QUITE the history, you and I, but there is a reason for everything and I do think you're SUPPOSED to be in my life. I also think you were MEANT to be with Lynn, as you guys have so much love between you. It's really great being around you both. So maybe I did serve some purpose in your life other than aggravation and keeping the Flint Police Dept in business. I'm kinda glad I hung in there, (LOL, oh my God, BAD analogy but you know what I mean) to see the end result, which is two of the most loved people in my life sharing a life together and enriching mine just by being in it. I will always be here for you no matter what happens. That may sound cliche, but Lynn said it to me a million times over the years and it's still true. We may experience some more bumps in the road (rather than the big fucking pothole we encountered in 2002...sorry for the word, Lynn) but it will never affect my loyalty again. As I've said before, I love you both. Now go get that job, James..and Lynn..STAY AWAY FROM CNN!!!!