MARCH 19, 2007

Update

Current mood:angry

Someone asked for an update, so here it is in a nutshell.

Serra went to jail for calling a cop a bitch and pointing out to him that at least WE werent geeks who got beat up in high school so now we get to wear big, bad, blue uniforms and act like big, bad pricks. I bailed her out the next day. Consequently, she is not allowed to leave this shit hole of a state until her court case is done. I didnt pay some of my utility bills so I would have extra money to move, but now Im screwed and I wont have the internet after today.

On St Patricks day, while I was out with Dave, Bryan, and Serra, we got a phone call from my sister Kathy who informed us that Ricky was in jail, was arrested for driving while under the influence, 3 times over the legal limit exactly, and since he has some old felony warrants, we dont expect him to get out soon.

I also dealt with a situation here at my house the very same night, but I refuse to go into detail about it on here. Too risky, but rest assured everyone...Im handling it the way it SHOULD be handled.

So, we have no money, were broke, and thank God for my friend Stromie who gave Serra a few hundred dollars to buy food and stuff for the baby, since they didnt plan on staying here that long and she was running out of stuff. Other than that, I dont feel like I have shit to be thankful for. Church does nothing for me. I hate my life.

1:40 PM

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Alexa BowmanHang in there, Mummy. You'll pull through. We always pull through on the rough spots. That's all this is, is a rough spot. A helluva big one, but a roug spot. Don't worry, Serra, Bella, and I are going to help you through it!

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5 years ago

MARCH 7, 2007

Hilarity

Current mood:high

Me and Ricky are sitting here, stoned and feeling very nice. We start discussing ways to harass people, and then decide to try and do something to Bryan. Ricky finds Jeff's Halloween costume in my closet, which is a big foam beer bottle. Literally. A bottle of beer. Ricky puts it on and makes some faces in the mirror, and we crack up for a few minutes. Then, just as my ribs stop hurting and I can breathe normally again (you know how high people laugh...hysterically and forever), I suggest we go into a bar and just sit around nonchalantly and gauge peoples reactions. Ricky puts his hands on his hips and, while standing just like a superhero, says, "No, I'll walk in there just like this and say, 'Heard someone ordered me.' "

This we gotta try.

MARCH 6, 2007

Dog, The Bounty Hunter

Current mood:okay

For some reason, I cant fall asleep tonight (now things are getting interesting..I used to have no problem falling asleep but couldnt STAY asleep, and now it looks like Im gonna have trouble falling asleep tonight. Why? Just for variety? Come on now.) Last night I had a dream that I lived in a big beautiful house in Pensacola and the front side of the house was pure glass...windows. My cousin Sarah lived right across the street so I had to keep the glass covered so she couldnt see into my house. I would spy on her though, and every time I saw her on the computer I would check Bryans email to see if she had written to him. CRAZY.

So Im sitting up watching Dog the Bounty Hunter, and I just have to say that even though him and Beth are really cheesy with their bleached hair, mullets, and triple F boobs, they are truly, truly good people. They are a perfect example of how people can turn their lives around and use their bad experiences to educate people and help them. They have a strong faith in God and their family is very close. I like them. I would love to work with people like them.

Well, tomorrow Im going to church with Mike and Kristi, and maybe hanging out with Bryan. We'll see. Its hell because I really cant go out and do anything with Alexa being grounded. I dont trust her to be home alone right now, but I do let her participate when we all play games together. I dont let her watch TV and I have confiscated her I Pod, her cell phone, and her video games. All she has is clothes and a bed and some books. Now she has nothing to do but homework. I dont bar her from church group or family oriented activites, but Im trying to get the point across that I am not playing with her anymore. I havent let her go to my Dads in a few days either. I still have to plan what Im going to say to that man.

All right, Im off to bed now to try and sleep. I dont feel at all tired, which sucks, but maybe that will change. We shall see...

MARCH 4, 2007

Poker Fiend

Current mood:sleepy

Ive been sitting here playing poker for a while. All is quiet about the house. The weekend was pleasant and low key. I went to church tonight, with Kristi and Mike, Serra and Bella, and Bryan. It was a fun, enthusiastic service and we left feeling very nice. Now its late and dark and the house is peaceful and I am content at the moment. Bryan and I had a talk about me moving to Florida. He knows Im going but he still doesnt know when. It was very emotional, indeed. And, for once, very honest.

There is something about this church that I really like. I enjoy going and I look forward to it. I would like to attend on Wednesday nights also, because everyone is so nice and there are all kinds of activities to participate in. This is very helpful to me, because everyone is so positive and enthusiastic and real. This is the kind of environment I need. They dont sit and preach and preach, because I dont like that. They make it fun and we have some interesting discussions. For once in my life, I am really enjoying church. Thanks again, Kristi and Mike!! LOL

I slept well last night, and tonight I really hope to do the same. I have an appointment tomorrow with the school so that I can start the HUC program. Classes start on the eighth, so I need to get a move on! But I am really looking forward to starting this new phase of my life. Im ready to leave the old one behind. I am ready for some happy, positive things. My heart may have been broken, but the stress is subsiding a little every day. Whenever Bryan is around me, Im very firm with him that I am not going to take his shit and he knows I mean it. Hes been taking me seriously and treating me with more respect. We have not even talked about getting back together. He knows that is not an option. I could never trust him again, not after what he put me through. He would have to be over thirty five years old before I would consider it. But we have a wonderful friendship, and without the stress of our romantic relationship burdening us, we actually get along and laugh together and enjoy each other like we once did. I watched him get emotional in church tonight and I suddenly felt like I was right where I belonged at the moment I was in it. I havent felt so peaceful in a while.

I am actually starting to enjoy getting up early in the morning. Instead of fighting it, I welcome the quiet, peaceful time alone that I have to do whatever I want. As long as I try to get at least 6 hours of sleep a night, Ill be all right. Unfortunately, I wake up often and I dont rest well, but last night was a good night. I woke up three times but I only had to get up to pace once. Thats very good, for me. When I did wake up I felt rested. I havent felt that way in a long time, either.

I am so sleepy right now. Im going to finish this, turn the heat down, and go to bed. I cant wait to fall asleep tonight.

MARCH 3, 2007

Realizations

Current mood:determined

I just reread my last post. My feelings haven't changed on the subject at all, but now I have a solution.

Ricky and Serra being here has been a godsend. If not for them, I dont know where Id be right now. Ive been going to church and taking comfort with my good friends who have my best interests at heart. Ive been doing a lot of thinking and a lot of soul searching, and what I think is best is for me to go back to Florida. Not only am I going to go back to Florida, but Im not going to tell Bryan Im going. He knows I plan on going back and I can see that it bothers him, but what Im going to do is just go without telling him when Im leaving. He wouldnt ever expect me to pack up my house and just go without saying goodbye or SOMETHING to him. I plan on doing just that, except that when I stop to get gas for the first time Im going to call Nextel from a payphone and change my number. I have to cut off ALL CONTACT if I am ever going to get over this. He wouldnt ever in a million years expect me to cut off all contact from him. Let him be in pain and shock for a while. He needs to live without me. I am not strong enough to do it while Im only a few miles away from him, but if I am in a new environment with new things to focus on, I can purge him out of my life a lot easier. Im sure it will be hard at first, but not being around him or a part of the situation will make the healing go that much faster. I cant live like this for much longer because the stress is really taking a  toll on me physically, as well as mentally. Not being able to actually rest while I sleep is making me ill. I throw up a lot and Im losing weight faster than ever. I am eating more these days, though, so thats good. But I feel like if I have to take one more blow, whether it be psychological or physical, I might either collapse or have a heart attack. There have been nights when the grief has been so bad, and the stress has been so overwhelming, that I went from crying hysterically in my bathroom, to crouching over the toilet throwing up violently, to curling up in a ball on a fetal position on the floor, trying to calm myself and my heart down because I felt close to passing out. Who the fuck can live like that? Its a wonder Ive been doing it this long. Enough is enough. I have to do what I have to do. I want to live, I want to succeed, and I want to be happy. I dont need someone in my life to make me happy, but I do need to find a way to achieve some peace. The best way to do that is to leave, just go. Ill cry my eyes out over it at first, but when I am no longer exposed to the things that hurt me anymore Ill start to get better. I have to. I want to.

I hope God gives me strength to do this. I hope I CAN do this. I NEED to do this

MARCH 1, 2007

W O W

Current mood:morose

I never thought that I would ever experience a crushing heart break like this. It is SO hard! I know I need to get over it and Im trying to, but it hurts like my soul is being ripped out of me. I swear to God, I have never experienced such pain before. I cry often, I dont sleep much, and I am so tense all the time. Sometimes, a memory will invade my thoughts and a sharp stab of pain will hit me right in the heart. Its a searing, stinging pain that Ive never known before. I feel like Im on the outside looking in at something I know I will never have even though I want it more than anything. I want to hold on to it so bad even though I know it cant be mine. Ive been fighting for so long that I didnt realize how much Ive been hurting. Now that the fightings over, I realize how tired I am of hurting. My spirit is so exhasuted from all this grief and sorrow. I just dont want to hurt anymore.


How the hell can I feel completely at home, yet absolutely lost, at the same time? Thats how I feel around Bryan. I need to stop, stop seeing him, just stop talking to him completely, disappear from his life abruptly and never come back. I want to do this so bad but I CANT, I cant do it when I live right here. I have a weakness for him that I dont understand. Ive always been strong, but when it comes to him I cant resist anything. Why? I wish I didnt love him. I really wish I didnt. I cant stand sitting here worrying about whether or not hes with someone else. Theres nothing I can do about it, have no right to say anything about it, but the thought of it makes me want to cry hysterically. I keep waiting for this grief to end, or at least subside some, but it hasnt. It keeps getting worse.

I hope I sleep better tonight than last night. I really need to rest. I really do

MARCH 1, 2007

It Goes On

Current mood:stressed

Just when I think I might have a grip on a little peace, a storm blows in and upsets my life all over again. Im getting kind of sick of it.

I got Alexa's report card yesterday. Almost every grade was failing. It has been like this for the last year. I have done everything from talk to her teachers to sending her to school with forms to fill out about her homework, to grounding her, to not grounding her and trying to trust her, to taking away all her books...just everything. Nothing works. She is rude, disrespectful, and I want to beat her fucking ass because she knows what shes doing and she does not care. I dont want to hear that its about Bryan and all the drama going on in my life because although that does affect her, this has been going on before I even knew Bryan. This attitude is a direct result of my dad and his mouth. Hes next on my list to get it.

Yesterday after I informed her that I had her progress report and that she was grounded JUST LIKE WE AGREED TO WHEN I DECIDED TO GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE, she became very defiant. I asked her to begin cleaning out her room so she started throwing things everywhere. I ignored it until she started running her mouth and after I asked her repeatedly to just shut up and do what she was told, since she knew it was coming anyway, she kept it going and going. Ricky and Serra both intervened and asked her to stop with her mouth and just do what she was told. I put up with this for about fifteen minutes. Then, I asked her to clean her bathroom which is part of her chores which she NEVER, EVER does unless I remind her and it hasnt been done in over a month because lately I have not had the energy to constantly remind her. She wandered around the house for fifteen minutes, playing in the sink, and defiantly telling us that she couldnt "find" something to clean with. We told her that if we could find something to clean with so could she. This went on and on. I kept telling her to go clean the bathroom, she kept standing there and playing in the kitchen sink and telling me she couldnt find anything to clean with. Finally, I got pissed and told her that if she was going to act like that I didnt want to be around her.She took it upon herself to go to my Dads without permission but he wasnt home,and when she came back I told her that if she did not do what I asked her to do that I was going to call the sheriffs department and have her taken away. I meant it. I still mean it. She stopped running her mouth but she absolutely refused to do anything I asked her. EVen though I took away all her priviliges and all her electronics and all her games, she decided that she was going to just go ahead and keep her IPod, even though she KNEW she was supposed to give it to me. She ended up giving it back to me last night, but she never did clean the bathroom. When my dad did get home and she went over there, he was somehow under the impression that I had kicked her out so he went off on her, ABOUT ME, and when she came home and told me what he said I called him. As soon as the answering machine came on and I started talking, he picked up the phone and threatened to call the police on me. I pointed out to him that its funny how he can make a judgment based on what she says but hes supposed to be MY father and backing ME up, but instead hes sitting there telling my daughter, "Your mother this, your mother that." No wonder she doesnt fucking respect me. He hung up on me before I could get that out, though. I shouldnt be surprised. My father the drunk likes to make judgments about people. Like I said, hes next on my list to be told to fuck off.

And whats funny is that when I called my grandma later on, she already knew about it because my dad called her. Called my 90 year old grandma for what? Hes so despicable. He has never cared about me a day in my life, only about the dollar signs I can bring him. Now that Im of no use to him, Ive been discarded and back to being regarded as a big old piece of shit. How he can sit there and badmouth me to my own kid is beyond me, especially when he knows the problems that have been going on here. I can get Alexa to listen to me, but not after shes just been fed full of shit. Isnt he supposed to support me and back me up? All she does when she goes over there is watch TV. Hes sucked her into his little fantasy world and shes the only one who cares about it so hes latching on to her. It makes me very sick. When shes under punishment, I still let her spend the night over there. I just found out that when she goes over there, he "ungrounds" her because, as she put it, he says, "Well, you didnt do it over here." Inconsistent.

So Im pretty pissed off right now. I went to bed kind of early and I was up at six again. I just couldnt fall back asleep. I have so much on my mind and I feel really stressed right now.

FEBRUARY 28, 2007

Arrrgh

Current mood:enraged

I am so pissed off right now. Its been a long time since Ive seen 420 AM unless Ive woken up from sleep. I havent been to bed yet.

Today Bryan got an email from Sarah and in it she dropped three names of people who know him that he used to go to school with. She did this just so she could get his attention, and it pisses me off. I know everyones like, "So?" Well,she did it in a threatening way. Her email said, "Jane Doe and Jill Smith and Mary Jones. Do those names ring a bell? They said to tell you hi. lololol." I was so fucking mad, I swear. Bryan and I started yelling at each other because the situation pissed me off so bad. He hasnt spoken with her in over a week. He told her in my presence (but she didnt know it) that he just thought it would be better if they didnt speak any more. So now shes pulling the little games I predicted she would pull, and I dont know why, but it enrages me. Its not like I didnt know she was going to do it, but it really pisses me off that she wants his attention THAT bad. STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE, YOU NASTY DIRTY CUNT. I couldnt be more serious.

Bryan and I are NOT together. There is NO getting back together, but he is still in my life. I know I need to let him learn his lesson about Sarah without getting involved and all emotional, but its hard because every time she makes contact with him its like shes making contact with ME and I HATE HER SO MUCH that it feels like a scab being ripped off of a fresh wound, over and over again. I didnt know it was possible to really dislike someone as much as I dislike that bitch. After Bryan left, I just started punching my wall. (I really need to seek out some kind of aggression therapy, because I DO have a lot of anger right now and nowhere to put it.) I was surprised to feel the wall give and then give and then give. So now I have a hole in my wall the size of a fucking computer monitor, with torn shreds of drywall hanging and exposed wood. There are bits and pieces of drywall and shit all over my floor. My hand is sore and swollen and very bruised, but I dont care. It could have been her fat ugly face, and I could have been in jail instead. I can repair the wall. I dont want a criminal record, on top of being insane. LOL!

Anyway, Im going to smoke some weed now. The last few days have been pretty good for me. Im going to try and not let tonight ruin it. Thats why Im going to smoke this bowl and go to bed and try to have some fucking hope.

FEBRUARY 25, 2007

Contentment

Current mood:peaceful

Today, I took a nap. Something about that nap completely erased my stress. I woke up and felt so much better. Serra and I went to church with Kristi and Mike and the service was wonderful. Lots of energy was flowing, the music was loud and happy, and it felt good to be spending time with good friends and family. At this moment, I am content and feel peaceful, even loving, toward everyone. It feels so good to feel this way that I must have forgotten what normal people feel like. I even called Bryan when we left church and took him some medicine, as he has been struck down with some mysterious illness that has made him very sick, too sick to do anything but sleep and sweat. I swear I dont have anything to do with it, so no one BETTER suggest it. LOL! He became sick immediately after our conversation about the text messages, though. Maybe God DOES work in mysterious ways.

I just wanted to write this down to document how I feel today, because I know Im probably going to have more shitty days ahead. I want this to remind me that things CAN get better, and that I AM healing, slow as it may be. I refuse to lose any more faith in myself.

FEBRUARY 25, 2007

Fun with Sondra

Current mood:distressed

I woke up this morning feeling like I was on the strongest crack. My stomach was tied up in knots, I was hot and sweaty, I couldnt lie still, and I felt like I was on the verge of hysterical tears. Of course, no one was up yet, so I flipped through the channels on the TV. I dont really watch TV anymore and I censor everything I hear and watch, because Im trying to avoid anything that will cause me any more heartache. I kept feeling like there was a rock in my stomach, and I sat here thinking about Bryan and our relationship. I cannot describe how much it hurts to love someone with every piece of yourself, only to find out that everything about this person is a fucking lie. And he will never let me say what I have to say about it, because to him, my feelings are unimportant. No wonder I am always so balled up and sick inside. I have all these emotions and feelings about things that I want to share with him but I know if I do the only thing to come out of it will be a nasty argument, or worse, hell turn it around on me and Ill end up apologizing, which is the way this relationship has went for a long time. It is NO wonder that I am as anxious and panicky as I am.

I laid in bed for a while, thinking about things, and then I had to go to the bathroom to be sick. I wasnt sure why I was getting sick, but I was heaving hard enough to projectile vomit all the way to Cincinnati. Thats not a fun feeling. I was laying on the bathroom floor, sweating and drooling uncontrollably, with my head resting against the cool part of the porcelain. And when it felt like it was coming up, my whole body would lurch forward violently. It kind of scared me. I forced myself to breathe (because I hate throwing up) and then I dragged myself back to my bed where I just lay there. Such is my day. So Im going to sit around all day trying not to throw up....or cry. Sounds like a fun existence.

FEBRUARY 24, 2007

Surprise, Sondra! Your whole life has been a LIE!

Current mood:indescribable

Well, last night I got the surprise of my life.

Bryan returned his phone to me, the one I shut off. We spent a day together, it went well, we got some talking done. Its a given that this relationship is not going to work, we both know that, but weve both always enjoyed our friendship and we decided to try and maintain that. The day that he was here he even got involved in the middle of a "family discussion" and everyone was impressed that he cared as much as he did. That night, he even began crying to me about a lot of things that he keeps bottled up, and I comforted him. I felt more at peace, because it no longer seemed so bad. My cousin was out of the picture, and it looked like things might actually heal.

Last night, I sat down and because I was curious, I decided to look through his phone. He deleted everything...his call list, his pictures, everything. But he forgot to delete his text messages. I sat there and read through every single one of them, and I learned a lot. A LOT.

I learned that he had been texting someone named Wendy and had even went out with her at least once while he was living with me. He sent her several messages on New Years Eve night, the night he decided to be an asshole to me in front of our company so I went to bed early to avoid a fight. He was texting her to ask if she wanted to go out the following Friday. He told her that he enjoyed spending time with her and that he wanted to do it again soon. This has been going on since the beginning of December, at least. He also text messaged back and forth with someone named Amanda. I also found a message that he had sent to my cousin saying that he thought they should just be friends, that it had nothing to do with me, that he had just been doing a lot of thinking.

I was shocked. I NEVER thought anything like that was going on. To make a long story short, I ended up asking him about it over the phone. I just simply asked who Wendy was. There was a long moment of silence, and then he said, "What?" LOL Later on, he told me she was a friend from school, which is another lie because in one of the messages he sent her he said, "Oh youre 26, I thought you were 22 but thats cool." Who does he think hes talking to? I pointed out to him that if she was just a friend then I would know who she was. I had never ever heard of a Wendy. Hes such a fucking liar. After I called him on his bullshit, he got frustrated and stated that he wasnt going to let ME ruin HIS night (imagine that!) so he hung up on me. I sat here and cried, yes, and I freaked out, yes, but mostly from the shock of it. I stupidly trusted him. I HAD NO IDEA. And it really pissed Ricky and Serra off because hes coming over here and acting like hes part of the family. I mean to tell you, everyone that knows US is shocked. I feel sick to my stomach to know that everything I thought was true was a lie. I have never felt so emotionally abused in my life. And this comes just a day or so after he sat here in my room and cried to me about how no one has ever made him feel as good about himself as I do, and that he really loves me. Real tears, seemingly true emotions. All fake. Everything is one big lie. Hes been sneaking around behind my back for months. And he probably fucked my cousin too, on the night that they both turned off their phones after she picked him up from the side of the road, while I sat here bleeding and crying. Un fucking believeable.

Hes only called me once, and I picked up the phone and said that I had nothing left to say, were done talking, its over. Then I hung up without waiting for a response. The Bryan I thought I loved is not the Bryan that he really is, and I cant tell you how heartbreaking that is. All these times that Ive apologized and groveled and sought help for my anxiety and depression and all along he knew he was doing me wrong but he still allowed me to take most of the blame for the failure of our relationship, when in fact, it was never a real relationship in the first place.I cant stop thinking about it, but I almost feel relieved in a way that everything was a lie. I guess that makes it easier for me to move on than it would if this was a real relationship breaking up even though two people mutually love each other. I can no longer delude myself that this is what this is. He does not love me. He never has. I let myself think that he did because I loved him so much. I threw my life away for this person and now I must reconcile that. And it will be a long, long, long, long, time before I even think about trusting someone again. I dont know that I ever will. I have never been betrayed this way.

So, theres my great news. Whoop dee doo, right? I may finally get to have the mental breakdown thats been threatening to come for weeks. Its all right though, if I do break down, because then I can push all the negativity out with crying and anger and all that, and then I will feel redeemed. He will never listen to anything I have to say so I must find another way to express myself. I did call his sister today to give her a brief overview. She said, "You're kiiiidddiiiiing," in total and utter disbelief. After we hung up she called me back and said, "I just want to let you know that I know youre upset and everything, but let him be someone elses problem. Just let him be someone elses problem now." Very sound advice, I think.

So, I am sitting here trying to relax. I am so used to feeling shattered like this that I swear its not even affecting me any more. I feel almost relieved. Its weird

FEBRUARY 22, 2007

Sleep

Current mood:calm

Well, this morning I feel better. My nephew and his girlfriend are here, which eases my mind so much. I now have a baby to love on. Alexa doesnt let me love on her anymore, so since babies are defenseless against mad cuddling, shes going to get it. As soon as she gets up.

I slept solidly through the night and woke up not as anxious. Thats a nice feeling. I hope it continues.

Today I have some little errands to run, so I am looking forward to everyone getting up. Its look for a job time! I feel so much better right now.

Im off to go relax until everyone gets up. My back hurts for some reason, and Im going to turn the massage on my bed and just lay there for a while. It REALLY hurts, right in the area of my right kidney. I know I dont have an infection because all I drink is ice water and unsweetened tea and I pee constantly, so I dont know what it could be. I could have just slept on it wrong. Ouch.

FEBRUARY 21, 2007

Random

Current mood:anxious

Let me tell you how I feel about therapy and church, two things that keep coming up in conversation.

Therapy is a wonderful thing and I wholeheartedly believe it works for people who truly want to get better. They used desensitization therapy to get me over my anxiety, and while its not completely cured, it sure is a lot better. I havent been treated for depression in a long time, because it hasnt been a problem, until now. I feel like therapy cannot help my current situation, because my depression is situational and not a chemical imbalance. So is the anxiety, actually. I am so anxious right now that I am shaking like Im cold and I feel like Im going to throw up. This is normal in the mornings, but this morning is pretty bad.

Now, as for church. I believe in God, but not in the passionate, fervent way that I should. I guess Im waiting for something to believe in. Everyone wants to me praise God and thank him for my life, but what exactly am I supposed to be thankful for? My life has been nothing but a nightmare with a few periods of peace in between. In order for me to be thankful, I have to compare myself to someone elses shitty life and say to myself, "Oh, well, praise God because at least I dont have it as bad as HER." This doesnt work for me. Like I said, I believe in God, but right now, I am waiting for some kind of sign, something that shows me its not all bullshit. Going to church with Kristi and Mike was a huge help but I left there still wondering.

My family will be here today. I cant believe how much this drama has touched everyones life. I cant believe how ANXIOUS I am. I cant believe I really feel this way. I cant believe that the person I thought Bryan was isnt the person that he is at all. I just feel sick.

FEBRUARY 20, 2007

Hmmmmmmmmm

Current mood:anxious

I am so anxious and bored right now that I decided to look up my horoscope. I was sitting here smoking (heh heh) and feeling pretty mellow. I went to Yahoo and then to the horoscopes section. I found the link for Taurus and I clicked it. The page came up, and as I read, I could feel my draw dropping a little more each second.

It read:

Quickie:
Don't rush right out and make a purchase. You owe it to yourself to shop around.

Overview:
Fresh starts only happen when old situations are finally put to rest. It may be difficult to let this come to a conclusion, but it's necessary if you want to move on with your life. Breathe. Learn to accept reality.

Blink, blink. Blink.

"Learn to accept reality." "Learn to accept reality."

"LEARN TO ACCEPT REALITY, ASSHOLE."

FEBRUARY 20, 2007

Clarity

Current mood:calm

When I woke up this morning at my usual six something, I felt a little different. I wasnt depressed, strangely enough, but I was ANXIOUS as HELL. I got up, paced around my room, smoked a cigarette, sat down, stood back up, rubbed my arms until they were raw, and twisted half my entire head of hair off. Now, Im finally starting to calm down. (I am trying to stop smoking weed, so when I get panic attacks or feel anxious I try to work through it. This morning, though, I HAD to smoke.)

Im anxious for a lot of reasons. One, I hate to admit it but you all know its true...I really want an apology from Bryan. And I also have to admit that it makes me feel better to know that even HIS people are taking my side. I am so glad that other poeple are seeing the situation for what it is.

Im mostly anxious because I have company coming to visit from Florida. Truthfully, they are coming to save my ass. I cant wait to see them. They would like to see Bryan and talk to him about whats going on, and so far, we have tentative plans for the five of us to sit around and "talk." Bryan thinks this means we are going to just talk about our relationship, but what he doesnt know is that this is a planned ATTACK. I know everyones going to say, "Oh Sondra, why dont you leave it alone? Just never talk to him again, etc." Now listen! I didnt say I was going to be buddy buddy with him, but I do want to hear what he has to say and I also would like to see the look on his face when he realizes that we are all here for the same reason, and thats because, well, SARAH IS A SKANK. I want a very public, very honest, very heartfelt apology. It will make me feel better. I know I shouldnt give a fuck, but I do. So shoot me.

Im off to go lay back down for a little bit, maybe a half hour. Im starting to relax now. Then Im going to get up and get ready and go register for the HUC class like I was supposed to yesterday but I couldnt do it because the school was closed. Then, Im going to come home and clean. Im trying to stay busy, trying to stay busy...

FEBRUARY 19, 2007

Reckonings

Current mood:content

Well, the shit hit the fan today. Dave and Bryan ended up getting into an argument over the way hes been treating me. Then Bryans mom got involved, agreeing with Dave and asking Bryan what the hell is wrong with him. Dave was over here visiting me (he actually came over to drop off some stuff to me) and Bryan was furious. He actually had the nerve to call Dave DISLOYAL. DISLOYAL? After what hes done? Oh, Mr. Bryan Bowailey, surely you jest.

I also finally took Alexa shopping today. I cant believe how big shes getting. I bought her a pair of jeans off the clearance rack and when she put them on at home, she started freaking out. "These are skinny jeans! Oh my GOD I HATE skinny jeans! I HATE THEM!" I was like, "Well, all right Alexa. Calm down. Ill take them back and get you some new jeans tomorrow. Sheesh." I didnt know what the fuck she meant by skinny jeans until I noticed that the tag on them said "skinny jeans." This mean that they are skin tight and straight legged---kinda like the jeans I wore when I was her age, except I wore mine stone washed with a rip in the knee and a huge, shapeless, oversized sweatshirt. Sometimes the jeans would even have ZIPPERS up the ankle. Hahahaha. Ugh.

We were going to eat lunch out, too, but I didnt feel too comfortable in the mall and Alexa and her friend Mollie said that they wanted McDonalds, so I stopped at one on our way home. After they got their food, and we were walking out, I listened to the them giggle and was then shocked to hear Mollie say, "Alexa, that guy was totally looking at your butt."

Heres some other funny things I've seen and heard. When I was talking to my grandmother on the phone on the subject of my recent "suicide" attempt, she said, "Why didn't you just take the easy way out and throw yourself into a river or something?" Without missing a beat I said, "Because, Memo, I can swim."

Tonight, while watching "I Love New York", Alexa said, "Oh my gosh, I cant believe she picked Chance over Boston. He's such a fag." Of course, I said, "ALEXA! You know thats not acceptable, right?" But inside, I was laughing...because I heard my kid say the word "fag." She doesnt even say the word "sexy" around me because she feels like its  a bad word. LOL.

And, I gotta hand it to her. Living with me can NOT be easy. But shes done it for so long now, she knows how to manage. Now that shes older, I am more honest with her about whats going on, so she knows what to do. The other day, I was on the phone arguing loudly with Bryan and pacing around my room. She came to my door to ask me something and I pointed toward the door, indicating for her to leave. She did, and when she closed the door behind her, I got so angry with the conversation that I was having that I began to deliberately kick my bedroom door...out. I kicked and kicked that motherfucker, until it smashed through on the other side, and then fell to the floor in a limp pile of wood, door frame and all. Alexa, without glancing up from her book, sighed, and then said, "Nice job, Mom," with a perfect tone of annoyance.

And lastly, here is a perfect example of my daughters extremely witty yet bitterly sarcastic sense of humor. One night, Bryan and Alexa got into a debate over whether or not she was going to the grocery store with us. She didnt want to go, we wanted her to go. She dropped down dramatically on the floor and declared that she wasnt moving from that spot. An argument then ensued about school, and how the two of them got onto that subject I dont know, but this is how it went.

Bryan: Alexa, if you want to college, you have to finish school first. You have to start getting good grades now if you want to go to college.
Alexa: Uh, college is school.
Bryan: No it isnt.
Alexa: Yes it is. When my Mom was going to school, she always said she was going to go to school, or class, not "college." She never said, "I'll see you when I get home from college."
Bryan: Well, so? That doesn't mean that its not called college. Your mom didnt invent the English language. Maybe a LOT of people say they go to college.
Alexa: What? God, why dont you go back to school?
Bryan: Why dont you go back to school?
Alexa: (dead serious, dry tone) Uh, I can't go back to school right now. It's after eight o clock at night and the doors are locked.

Thats my kid!

FEBRUARY 19, 2007

Misery

Current mood:depressed

I never heard from Bryan yesterday. I did talk to Dave briefly, but not about the situation. I just feel sick this morning. I usually feel terrible when I first get up and I cry and rage at the world for a couple of hours. I cry, hug my pillows, and talk to myself. I feel like Im losing my mind. Everything in this house reminds me of him. Its so hard to sleep in this bed. Its hard to do anything.

Yesterday I was supposed to go to church with friends, but my friend Strom called me and as soon as I heard his voice I started crying. He hightailed it over here and took me to dinner. Thank God for him making me laugh. I genuinely laughed for the first time. He went through a similar situation when he went through a divorce just a few months ago. So he can relate to the way I feel.

This morning I got up and wrote Bryan a letter. I told him that I love him but that there was no way I could ever think of him the same after this, especially since I havent heard an apology yet. I told him that right now, I might be down as low as I can go, but soon, and I mean real soon, I am going to shine. Just like I did when I moved to Florida. I can do it. I NEED to do it. I need to be around people, doing something productive, instead of sitting in this room and being miserable. As soon as I start to feel better, he is going to meet the REAL Sondra. When he met me, I was at that point, but shortly after, my life started going downhill. I refuse to blame Bryan for that, but everyone who knows me keeps pointing out to me how drastically bad my life has become in comparison to what it was a year ago. I just threw my whole life away to concentrate on one person, and I lost myself in the process. This is my opportunity to find myself again, because the old Sondra may have cried and raged over this situation too, but it wouldnt have defeated her. Right now, I feel totally defeated. And that really pisses me off.

My heart is so broken. I am trying to stay social and busy but its hard because most of my friends are his friends too, and they seem to be evenly divided into two groups: Those That Want To Stay Out Of It, and Those Who Ignore Me. This is killing me that no one else seems to think that this is wrong.

Today, my goal is to try and stay busy. I am taking Alexa shopping for clothes, and then to lunch. Her friend is with us so it ought to be fun. I just dont feel like laughing...and its hard to enjoy anything. I havent actually ENJOYED anything in about a week or more. But Im going to try, because anything is better than the way I feel right now.

FEBRUARY 18, 2007

Trespasses

Current mood:anxious

Well, last night didnt go too bad at all. After I got done writing, I did exactly what I said. I took some Nyquil, smoked a little, and was just getting ready to doze off when my phone rang. It was so loud it made me jump almost out of my skin. It was Dave, Bryans best friend. He called me because he was present when Sarah picked up Bryans phone. He told me that what she said was, "He cant talk to you right now, hes putting a condom on." I didnt hear it because like I said in my other entry, I hung up the phone as soon as I heard her voice. I never really knew what it was that she said, but Dave AND Bryan both think I did, apparently.

Dave told me that he thought it was really fucked up that she would do such a thing. He said he was so shocked he didnt even know what to say. I guess he asked Bryan later, when they were alone, if he was scared now. Bryan told him that he was. According to Dave, Bryan was just as shocked and pissed off about it as Dave was. He said as soon as Sarah hung up his phone, Bryan said, "What the FUCK?" Dave said he didnt know what transpired from there, because he went somewhere else, but his point in calling me was to tell me that hes always going to be my friend, even if Bryan and I never talk to each other again. He made it clear, of course, that Bryan will always be his boy, but that he cares about me too and he would spend time with me regardless of what Bryan thinks. I told him that his phone call would surely help me sleep because it put my mind at ease a little bit to know that 1.) Bryan didnt know that Sarah was going to do that and that he didnt put her up to it and 2.) Im not going to lose Dave as a friend, because I really care about him. Hes been SUCH a good friend to me. When I explained that I had to remove him AND Bryans brother from my friends list on here because I made my profile private, and I didnt want anyone to have access to my page that didnt need it, he got really quiet for a second and then said, "Well, THAT sucks." I explained I was doing it for my own protection and peace of mind. He said he understood.

So, after I got off the phone, I went to sleep. And YES I did wake up at about 6 like I always do, but I laid back down and went right back to sleep. I didnt get up again until 915. MAN that felt good. And while my heart is still broken and I still feel the pain, it does help to know what actually happened. I have not cried all day, but I have felt pretty anxious. I guess thats understandable, considering the circumstances. Dave told me that he would call me today, after he listened to me talk about Sarah and her psychotic games. I have a feeling hes going to go to Bryan with what I said, even though its stuff hes already heard, and reinforce to him what a mess hes made of everything. What Im really hoping for is a heartfelt apology from Bryan. I think thats whats making me nervous, because I dont know if he will apologize for that. He definitely should. It wont change my stand on things, but at least Ill have the satisfaction of knowing that he does care enough about me to do whats right. Of course, if he cared enough about me to do whats right in the first place, he wouldnt be hanging out with her. Its driving me crazy not to be able to talk to him, because I would really like to hear what he has to say now.

So, I feel lazy right now, so Im going to lay around for a while, and then Im going to get up and clean. I have let this house go to shit. LOL. Im sure Ill update later.

FEBRUARY 17, 2007

Finality

Current mood:crazy

Okay, heres an update.

I made my page private because of Bryan and my cousin Sarah. Suddenly, theyre allies, and both of them have been lying to me and talking about me behind my back. A couple of weeks ago, when I decided to invite Sarah back into our lives after being estranged for about seven months, I warned him that she would be very manipulative. I asked him not to go behind my back and do certain things, because of the family history that I have with her. He agreed to it, and now he is doing exactly the opposite. If he ever loved me at all, he would not hurt me like this.

Tonight he said he would do a favor for me, and then I got an offer to go see my REAL cousin Andy. I didnt want to get out to her house too late, so I called him to see what time he would be home. He never answered. Now, this is a new game that hes been playing since---once again---hes decided to sniff up Sarahs ass. Finally, his phone picked up, and there was silence. Since I didnt hear anything, I sat and listened. Then I was sure I heard Sarah's voice, and then the phone hung up. I became quite hysterical and got in the car and started driving around. Of course, I called him several more times, but he didnt answer. Finally, the phone picked up and the first thing I heard was Sarahs voice screaming. I didnt hear any words, just screaming, and I IMMEDIATELY hit the end button on my phone. I pulled off to the side of the road, shaking to the very core of myself. I cannot even begin to describe the way I felt. Its too painful for me to even sit here and write about it, because it brings it all back.

Whew.

Anyway, guess what I did. Cried? Yup, a little bit. Not too much though. What I did was immediately call Sprint and disconnect his phone. Then I called his mother to explain. I left a message. Then I drove around some more, stopped at the pharmacy and bought some NyQuil, and then came home.

I got on the computer, changed the name of my blogspot journal and made it private, got on here, erased him from my friends list, and made this page private also. If I could only share with you HALF the pain and rage I feel right now.

I would change my phone numbers, but when I called to do that they wouldnt let me because I still owe on the bill. He hasn't called me yet and that was three and a half hours ago or so. Thats probably what he wanted from the very start. So the chances of him calling me are slim. If he does call me, it will have to be from someone else's phone.

Im sitting here manifesting my rage in the form of music. There is a song called "Love You More" by Eminem that accurately describes our relationship. Actually, a few songs about the relationship between Eminem and his wife really sound like me and Bryan. Right now, I am used to it, but in a few weeks or whenever when I go back and re read this, and see that I posted this song in reference to our relationship, I'll be embarassed. But this is how I feel:

"I Love You More"

[Intro]
You still love me?
Take this. [2 guns cock]
You ready? 1.. 2.. 3! [2 shots]


The more you, put me through,
The more it makes me wanna come back to you,
You say you hate me, I just love you more,
You don't want me, I just want you more,
I buy you flowers, you throw 'em at me,
I know it's sad but it's makin me happy,
The more that you slap me, the more that it turns me on,
Cuz you love me, and I love you more.

[Verse 1]
It's sick, but who could ever predict,
We'd be doin' the same shit,
We say we do it for our baby but we don't,
We do it for us, it's lust,
Cuz neither one of us trusts each other,
So we fuck 'til we bust,
Then we cuss each other, out,
We know what it's about,
Shout 'til I throw you out the house,
You throw me out the house,
I throw you on the couch,
Punch you in the mouth,
Fist fight 'til we turn this mother OUT,
And apologize after,
Laughter, pain, it's insane,
We're back in the same chapter again,
And it's sad but it's true,
When I'm layin' here with you,
There ain't nothin' anyone could ever say ever do.

The more you, put me through,
The more it makes me wanna come back to you,
You say you hate me, I just love you more,
You don't want me, I just want you more,
I buy you flowers, you throw 'em at me,
I know it's sad but it's makin me happy,
The more that you slap me, the more that it turns me on,
Cuz you love me, and I love you more.

[Verse 2]
Cuz I hate you, do you hate me?
Good cuz you're so fuckin' beautiful when you're angry,
It makes me wanna just take you,
And just throw you on the bed,
And fuck you like I don't even know you,
You fuck other people, and I fuck other people,
You a slut but I'm equal, I'm a mutt,
We're both evil in our ways,
But neither one of us would ever admit it,
Cuz one of us would have one up on the other,
So forget it,
We can make accusations, people spread rumors,
But they ain't got proof,
'Til they do it's just the two of us,
It's you and me, cuz any chick can say that she's screwin' me,
But you gotta believe me to a degree,
Cuz if you didn't I wouldn't be hittin' it,
Yeah I would cuz the sex is too damn good,
If I ran who would I run to,
That would be this soft and warm,
So it's off and on, usually more off than on,
But at least we know that we share this common bond,
You're the only one I can fuck without a condom on,
I hope, the only reason that I cope,
Is cuz of that fact,
And plus I can bust in that,
And that's why...

The more you, put me through,
The more it makes me wanna come back to you,
You say you hate me, I just love you more,
You don't want me, I just want you more,
I buy you flowers, you throw 'em at me,
I know it's sad but it's makin me happy,
The more that you slap me, the more that it turns me on,
Cuz you love me, and I love you more.

[Verse 3]
I could never understand it,
That's why I don't try,
From junior high until we both die,
It's silly oh why must we try,
Is it really so rough,
That we must always call each other's billy goat's gruff,
Try to pull each other's legs,
Until the other begs,
We're liein' to ourselves,
That's the beauty of it yeah,
Cuz we truly love each other,
That's why we always fight,
And all we do is shove each other,
Every other fuckin' night,
And it's clear it ain't gonna change,
It's pent up rage,
We both have,
We both feel like we've been upstaged by someone else,
We've both been,
Someone else's someone else,
Problem is neither one wants help,
It's an addiction and it can't be fixed,
Our family's mixed up,
There's a baby sister in the mix,
And it hurts cuz the pieces to the puzzle don't fit,
And anybody who thinks they know us doesn't know SHIT,
And they're probably just tired of hearin' it all the time,
On every song, every lyric, and every rhyme,
All the hoopla, all of the whoopdy whoop,
What you put me through, fuckin' whoopdy doo,
But I won't be made a fool of,
If this is true love,
You wouldn't do what,
You did last time,
You wouldn't screw up,
This time,
Cuz this time girl,
I'm tellin you what,
You do it again I'm fuckin you up,
No matter what...

[Bridge]
What you say, what you do,
I'ma hunt you down 'til I find you,
No matter where you run, I'll be right there,
Right behind you, in your nightmares,
All the flowers, and the candy,
All the times that you threw it back at me,
You told me you hate me, you gon' hate me more,
When you find out, can't escape me whore.

The more you, put me through,
The more it makes me wanna come back to you,
You say you hate me, I just love you more,
You don't want me, I just want you more,
I buy you flowers, you throw 'em at me,
I know it's sad but it's makin me happy,
The more that you slap me, the more that it turns me on,
Cuz you love me, and I love you more.


So, tonight is going to be rough. I am all alone, which is nothing new these days. Sometimes I feel numb, sometimes I cannot stand the way I feel at all. I havent been sleeping well because any time anything wakes me up, Im up. I cant go back to sleep because Im reminded of everything in a sudden rush of pain and sorrow. Thats what the Nyquil is for. I am BOUND and DETERMINED to sleep well tonight. I have nothing more to worry about. There is no more "what if" or "maybe". There will be no more Sondra and Bryan, whether it be friendship or otherwise. God DAMN I cannot tell you all how much that hurts, because we have an AWESOME friendship. Our relationship was troubled, but our friendship was very solid. Or at least I thought so. Evidently, it wasnt.

Even some of his friends are confused. My friends that know both of us are confused. Everyone is confused and baffled and bewildered. It is nice to know that I am not the only one sitting here blinking my eyes in shock. I just hope he realizes someday what he lost.

As for Sarah...I cant put into writing what I really want to say, but I just hope our paths never cross. Ever. I would talk to Bryan again before Id ever talk to her again. I hope I never, ever see her again. I told my grandma today to never call me if anything bad happened to Sarah. I dont care. I dont want to hear it. The only time I want a phone call on her behalf is if shes dead so I can go spit on her grave. Piece of shit backstabbing lying manipulative crazy fucking bitch.

So Im going to attempt to get ready for bed now, which means getting comfortable, trying to smoke some weed, and downing that Nyquil for extra insurance. Wish me luck.

 Angela Glowacki
OK.  I am confused.  You said that you heard Sarah screaming?  Like in pain, anger, or throws of passion?  If is the throws of passion...let me say this...And, Sondra, this is nothing new to you.  We had this conversation once before.......Bryan is a BOY.  He wants a MOMMY.  And since he is a BOY, he is going to sniff around any bitch that will give him half a chance at it.  And since you knew you couldn't trust Sarah, then you shouldn't be that shocked.  But, I am glad that you are moving on from this fiasco.  He was toxic for you and your daughter.  AND he was dangerous to have around you and your daughter... in many ways.  But, I am concerned you are already talking about how you would still talk to him and that you are still waiting for him to call.  CUT him OUT!  Cut all contact.  If you don't, you will be swept right back in and then you will still be in this vicious circle that you have been in since you met him.  Concentrate on your daughter and get yourself some SERIOUS help.  I love you, but I will do something to protect her if you don't.  I mean it.  It is not a threat- as one person who was abused to another- you should undersand my point of view- and some day you might thank me for it.  Please, please, for the love of God and your child- get some help and cut that loser out of your lives- for good!

FEBRUARY 16, 2007

Considerations

Current mood:melancholy

Im just sitting here thinking right now. Im pretty mellow but still very, very sad. And oh my God, I am so lonely right now. LOL. There is nothing to do, no one to talk to, and I am beside myself. And that fuckin possum is STILL trying to break through my bathroom cabinets.

I am really pissed off right now. For a couple of reasons. For one, I had to let someone go out of my life today. Someone who was only making things worse for me. Thats always hard, but its easier than I thought it would be. For one thing, I ve been through similar situations with her before. For another, its just time. Simply put, the time has finally come for me to stick up for myself.

Also, I got told off today by my nephews exgirlfriends new husband. That shit hurt my feelings. I have always been really good to her, and I raised her son, who is my great nephew, like he was my own. She and I have always gotten along but she left and took her son with her and none of us have seen her. She had her reasons and Im not going to go into them on here. I have been calling and leaving messages, because I saw her a couple of  months ago and she gave me her number, but we have yet to actually talk. So tonight I decided to call, Ive called once a month since Ive had the number, and THIS motherfucker gets on the phone and starts talking about how Im ruining their lives or some such shit and I stayed calm and tried to be reasonable, because he HAS been raising my great nephew and he IS her husband and I understand him being worried about any problems taking place. He kept hanging up on me and I kept trying to be reasonable. Finally, I quit calling back. Fuck it. It hurt my feelings, and I feel like Im in a shitstorm right now, but what can I do about it? Fuck that motherfucker, anyways. Hes lucky I dont drive down there and whoop his ass for talking to me like that. I dont know who he thinks he is, but he better step lightly around me. Im crazy, remember?

Im tired, but I am SO scared that if I go to bed this early, Ill be up at 4 AM. Once I wake up, Im up. I dont want any more of that torture. I wonder when that is going to stop? I did NOT cry this morning, for the first time in about a week, but I did choke up a little this afternoon. God, I hate mornings. I HATE falling asleep. I REALLY HATE waking up. When I first wake up, my first thought is usually, no no no no its still dark out and then I just have to look at the clock. By the time I see what time it is, my heart gets hit with a sudden rush and everything comes flooding back to me. I lay there and try to ignore it, try to fight it, but usually the thoughts in my hea djust get louder until I decide I need a cigarette and I get up and smoke and pace. Theres no way I can sleep through those kinds of feelings. And not only do I have to go through that, but I also have to worry about that fucking possum.

FEBRUARY 15, 2007

Disconnect

Current mood:lonely

I feel disconnected. Ive felt that way for a while now. I am sick of this routine I am in:: go to sleep sometime before 1 AM, and up usually by 7. Once I wake up in the night, I dont go back to sleep. Alexa tries not to wake me up in the mornings, but I dont mind when she does. I havent been wanting her to go to school because I am so terrified of being alone, but every morning is the same. She leaves and I sit here and wander around the house crying. I pick up the phone to call him, put  it down. Cry some more, pick up the phone, put it down. Usually around ten or so I stop crying and just sit here like a zombie. Ill make phone calls, just to talk so I dont feel lonely.

When I wake up, its like being hit by a freight train. Everything comes rushing back and I sit here and wonder why. I cant eat either. Last night I went to church with some friends and for about an hour and half, I felt peace. As soon as I got home, though,that changed. This house is suddenly so empty and lonely, I cant stand it. I avoid his side of the bed completely, and I think I might put a TV in the living room so I can sleep out there. I havent watched TV in days but it is always on, just for the sound. The loneliness is unbearable. I am going to call someone today and find out if I can either get back into the treatment program I was in or something else, because I cant sit here all day with this on my mind. Its not so much that I want to die. I just want the pain to stop. And most of all, I really dont understand why we are where we are. I cant take it. I wish I had someone to come stay with me, because I DO NOT WANT BE ALONE.

FEBRUARY 12, 2007

Improvements

Current mood:hopeful

I feel better today. Actually, I got up and started cleaning my house, which desperately needs it. I always wake up shaking and nervous and fighting off waves of nausea, so I figured I could do something with all that shakiness and expend some energy in a positive way.

Its snowing like hell, were supposed to get a few inches. How cozy.

I drank a little last night and had a good time, but when I woke up this morning I felt seriously dehydrated. I didnt sleep well, which I normally do, so every time I woke up I wandered out to the kitchen and sucked down a bottle of water. Now, I am brewing some iced tea and Ive already drank half the pitcher. What Im scared of now is throwing up. The last time I drank and woke up thirsty as hell, I drank so much water and tea that I eventually had to fucking puke. Not because of the alcohol, I dont think, but because all that water and tea sat right on top of the alcohol, which wasnt agreeing with me anyway, and it just all came up. I'm avoiding that today.

I want to be dressed and ready by noon, so Im going to go back to cleaning. I just wanted to make sure that everyone who reads this knows Im feeling better. (I love you Kristi. You know why. Thank you.)

FEBRUARY 11, 2007

Terror

Current mood:crushed

I woke up about an hour ago. I seem to have no trouble falling asleep but when I wake up, I have anxiety attacks almost every morning. I do not know why. Usually, when I wake up like trhis, Bryan senses it before I am fully awake and he knows Im going to be thrashing around and rubbing my arms and gritting my teeth and shaking, so usually he will just rub my back quietly and talk to me and hold me if I need him to.
Well, I woke up this morning and I felt like someone punched me in the chest. I thrashed around and felt myself shaking and out of habit, I scooted closer to his side of the bed. When I felt nothing but empty blanket, it suddenly and painfully dawned on me that he isnt here and I DONT KNOW WHY. This increased my level of anxiety and I sat up, hugged my knees, and cried. I cried and cried and cried. I cried loud and hard and without tissue. (Alexa is at her grandpas so I am all alone and can do that). I feel like I am in the middle of a nightmare from which I am never going to wake up. My life is a nightmare.
Last night, when Bryan came to get his stuff, I locked myself in the bathroom and did the same thing, except I wasnt loud. I had my hand jammed in my mouth to keep from screaming while I heard him rummaging around in the closet for his things. I prayed and begged God to listen to me for once in my sorry life, that I dont want to lose him, please dont take him away from me. Hes all I have and hes all I know, and hes been with me and a part of me for so long. Hes had my back when no one else would and he ALWAYS takes care of me when I need need him to, just like I ve taken care of him. Ive dealt with so much loss in my life that I KNOW I cant bear this one. And I still dont even know why this is happening. Everything that we said we were going to do the last time we broke up, weve both been doing. We hit a few bumps in the road, which is to be expected with a couple like us, but they werent big bumps. And we overcame them on our own and we communicated very well about everything and we even talked about how much weve learned from one another since that experience. And now, over an argument whether or not he should go out drinking, hes gone. Over nothing. He says he has to do it for himself.
Last night, I wouldnt let him in the bathroom right away to get his stuff out of there because I didnt want him to see me crying. He got pissed off and just left me there, and after I heard the front door close, I collapsed. After I cried forever, I came out of the bathroom and on the bed was a note he had written. It said, "I just need some time. I still love you. Bryan." I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.
I dont have time. My state of mental health is in serious crisis. I can honestly say that I dont give a fuck anymore. I am tired, tired, tired of the struggle. I must be an awful person and I just dont realize it or something. Everyone always leaves me. I cannot cope with anymore loss. I cannot cope with this. 

FEBRUARY 10, 2007

Moods

Current mood:sleepy

As I sit here smoking my pipe and drinking my beer, I had a sudden, random thought. A song popped into my head just now that describes exactly how I feel today. It describes how I've been feeling for the last couple of months.
Never Hunger
Never Prosper
I Have Fallen Prey to Failure
Struggle Within
Triggered Again
Now the Candle Burns at Both Ends
Twisting under Schizophrenia
Falling Deep into Dementia

Old Habits Reappear
Fighting the Fear of Fear
Growing Conspiracy
Everyone's after Me
Frayed Ends of Sanity
Hear Them Calling
Hear Them Calling Me

Birth of Terror
Death of Much More
I'm the Slave of Fear,my Captor
Never Warnings
Spreading its Wings
As I Wait for the Horror She Brings
Loss of Interest,question,wonder
Waves of Fear They Pull Me under

Old Habits Reappear
Fighting the Fear of Fear
Growing Conspiracy
Everyone's after Me
Frayed Ends of Sanity
Hear Them Calling
Hear Them Calling Me

Into Ruin
I Am Sinking
Hostage of this Nameless Feeling
Hell Is Set Free
Flooded I'll Be
Feel the Undertow Inside Me
Height,hell,time,haste,terror,tension
Life,death,want,waste,mass Depression

Old Habbits Reappear
Fighting the Fear of Fear
Growing Conspiracy
Myself Is after Me
Frayed Ends of Sanity
Hear Them Calling
Frayed Ends of Sanity
Hear Them Calling
Hear Them Calling Me


Isnt that such a LOVELY ballad? It pretty much describes the way I feel about my life. I couldn't be more down than I am right now. Mr. Bowailey left me again today after a fight we had last night, in which he insisted on going out and partying after doing that last weekend and coming home Saturday night and fighting with me. When he threw a fit about going out last night, I couldnt believe it, and it turned into an argument.  As it turns out, I kicked him out of my car and his friend came and got him. I went to sleep last night thinking all would be okay this morning, but no. He actually decided hes going to leave me again. He says he has to do this "for him." For him? If people only knew the half of what this relationship has really been like...the half you know about is the wonderful, loving, sometimes stressful but always together half. We have another half that is vicious and mean and cold. This is the half that I dont write about, but its the same half that always brings us to the point where we are now. And I'm stoned and in the mood for honesty, so Im going to just tell it like it is.
Bryan and I love each other very much, of that there is no doubt. And he has grown and matured and changed in so many ways since Ive known him. Our good side is powerful, loving, loyal, and strong. But the mean side of us leads to things like physical, verbal, and mental abuse. Both of us have been victims of all these types of abuse from each other. I will admit that I normally slap him first, and that I say very, very mean things when Im angry. Its a response that I have to learn to control, and I am doing very well at it. But, in the last four weeks, I have been: slapped more than once, been spit on, been called a fat bitch, been told, "No wonder nobody loves you!", had garbage dumped on me, and punched in the face twice. In the last few months I acquired a pretty nasty tailbone injury from a fall I took when Bryan pushed me in the kitchen one day when we were arguing and I threw my phone at him. (I missed.) I came crashing down to the floor right on top of my tailbone. This pain is almost unbearable. I have daily headaches caused by the damage he did to the bridge of my nose when he punched me. Yesterday, he hit me in the eye pretty hard but not nearly hard enough. There is a small bruise from the corner of my eye to my eyelid, but if you didnt know it was there you wouldnt even see it. I have had large bruises on my legs from being kicked in retalitation. Ive had my hair pulled, Ive been choked almost to the point of passing out, and Ive even had my face slammed on the counter while my hands were being held behind my back.
Bryan has been told he is worthless, that he is a low life piece of shit, that hes a loser, that hes some other horrible names I wont repeat. Ive said really terrible and totally untrue things about his family, to his face. I have even abused him using things from his past. Hes been slapped, punched, kicked, and spit on, too. And these are the things that are defeating what would be, should be, a normal and healthy functioning relationship.We have so many strengths, and so much passion, Jesus, all that fucking passion and you know where it goes? To the form of aggression. Not romance, intimacy, SEX. Oh no, not us crazy Bowaileys. We use all that wonderful and rare long lasting passion to DESTROY each other instead of love each other. What we have between us could last a lifetime, if we could learn how to fucking talk to one another.
It looks like its too late for that. All his stuff is gone again. I cant bear to look into the closets and not see his things. All the doors are closed, lights off. I wake up with such bad anxiety even when hes right next to me that tonight I decided I would smoke and drink myself to sleep. Dont worry, its only a 40 ounce of beer that I probably wont even finish, so dont go calling AA on me. I just cannot feel the pain right now. Im all worn out from feeling pain, and this is the only thing that makes the pain go away. I have thought about cocaine and how lovely it would be to feel so euphoric right now, but its not tempting enough.
How could he leave me like this, at a time when I need him the most? Am I that hateful?
I am white trash.
I am a piece of shit, a fat one at that.
I am worthless.
I have done nothing with my life except fuck it up.
I deserve this.

January 5th, 2007

Anxiety

Current mood:anxious

Today is the birthday of a mutual friend of Bryan and mine...actually, I met him through Bryan and now he is a close personal friend of mine, too. He is having a party at the bowling alley tonight and invited me. Of course, Bryan is going to be there. Bryan and I have talked about the ramifications of me going, and  I Have decided that it is VERY important for me to put on my game face and go. I just don't know how well I'm going to take it. Right now, I am shaking all over and I literally feel sick from anxiety. It's not even noon. I have some things to do to keep me busy, but I don't think the anxiety is going to go away. I don't know what to expect. Tonight it's not about us, and I will have to remember that, even though hanging out is going to be the most difficult thing I've done since he left home. I keep praying for him to come back but I don't know what's going to happen. It's going to be hard to seperate our situation from the celbration tonight...,.but I am going to try. I think I'm gonna go throw up now.

Catharsis

So much has been going on lately. With our neighbors no longer speaking to us, the time kind of stretches by slowly. The hurt in my heart is still there. I keep hoping that things will change, but a part of me doesn't care if it does or it doesn't. Either way, my son and I are not going to be hurt again.

So it brings me to the reason for this post. We've decided it's just too awkward to stay here in light of the current circumstances. It's uncomfortable, to say to the least. And I never liked this house anyway, considering the four raccoons we've removed from the attic. So we've decided that as soon as we can, we are going to move. I project it being the middle of December, beginning of January. Most likely we'll have to suffer through the holidays here, but that's all right. I have a lead on a couple of houses that are in a very small town about a half hour from here.

I am ready for small town life. This area is like a festering disease that keeps spreading out. We are nestled into the middle of an area where drugs, prostitution, and shootings are the norm. Places near us have been robbed several times. I just simply want out of here. We moved here from a good area so that we could be next door to our neighbors. They provided a lot of support. Otherwise, we never would have left our safe house.

I want to live in a small town, play bingo at the VFW and eat at the Main Street diner with my friend Angie, who lives there too. I want to get Josh going in head start, and then start my pre nursing classes. I feel like a more active lifestyle would absolutely benefit me and the boy, because now we just stay in the house all the time. We read books, and color, and watch educational TV but my boy needs to get out of this house and into the world. I don't like taking him anywhere near here because it's safer at home so we just stay put. The neighbors have been my life for the last three years, so now it's time to start a new life. I feel that this small town is a step in the right direction. It's closer to Curtis's work. And my oldest, bestest friend lives there so I won't be lonely. I can take Josh for walks in the neighborhood without worrying about loose dogs. The elementary school has a really good playground he can play on. I'm 35 and it's time to settle down and stay put. Frankly, I'm tired of moving.

Curtis and I need a life. We need to bowl once a week, or go to the movies, or something. We have no private life. Right now, we don't even sleep in the same bed. (He sleeps with Joshua...this is bad, I know, I know.) We're still stronger than ever, though. I enjoy taking care of the cooking and cleaning and laundry while he works. He doesn't mind either.

I'm going to continue to post old blog entries from my MySpace journal. I just have to have the time it takes to copy and paste each entry. They're all about Bryan. I swear, if I hadn't been writing my ass off in this blog and the other blog during the Bryan days, I wouldn't remember most of the stuff. He was so insignificant and I made him to be my world. Gross. I just shake my head whenever I read about it. I am so embarrassed about that time in my life.

Here are pics of Mommy and Joshy, right around the same age. This little man is my life. My blog is going to be so  boring now, because all I care about is my son. I am able to stay home and take care of him, Curtis works, and my life revolves around Toddler World, laundry, cleaning, and cooking. It is quite the opposite of the life I had when I first began this blog. Sometimes, I really miss that life.

I have been reading through some of these old entries and I can't believe how stupid I was about some things. Like Bryan, ugh. I went too far with him, he should've been put out on his ass within the first week of meeting him, but no, I stretched the shit out for three long stressful years. I am so glad that is behind me now. It's a part of my life that I will always regret, but I did learn from a lot of the mistakes I made while in that relationship. I've tried not to carry it through to my relationship now. It's not hard. I hardly ever think about Bryan and when I do, it's like, "why?"

So today Angie came over and we herbally refreshed ourselves and laughed at Facebook while Josh ran around spitting his sippy cup out all over the place. We talked about the past, and the future, and how we've been friends for so long. (Twenty one years.) I guess I wouldn't want it any other way. A lot of my old friendships have changed drastically now that I have a baby. I can't go out anymore, and some people have trouble understanding that. Not that I want to go anywhere. Right here with my son is where I belong.

JANUARY 4TH, 2007

None

Current mood:depressed

I woke up a little after seven this morning, completely awake and feeling all tied up in knots. In my last entry, I said I didn't know how much longer I can take this. My palms are sweating, I feel like I'm freezing to death when I know it's warm enough in here, and my chest feels so tight. I can't take another day like this.

I don't know where to go, what to do, who to talk to. All I want to do is run. I want to disappear. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to feel, period. I have never been so alone in my life. Shawn hasn't even called to check on me, and I could always rely on him. I could die in this house, and no one would really know right away, that's how isolated I am. I feel so sick, so alienated, and totally crushed.

Jesus Christ, I am overwhelmed. And with no one to take over for me, I don't know what's going to happen. But I don't think I;m strong enough to withstand this. I really don't. I simply can't take any more.

JANUARY 4TH, 2007

None

Current mood:crushed

Right now, I am so depressed I can't stand it. I can't believe how much time I've spent alone in the last two days. I miss Bryan so much...damn, I never knew love could hurt like this. I want no part of it. How I wish I could seperate myself from the situation, but it's impossible. I am actually being forced to feel. I don't want to feel these things; I'd rather not love at all. I am keeping it together for the sake of my kid, but I can't hide the fact that something is very wrong. I can't do the simplest of things without falling apart. I swear to God, in all my 29 years, I have never felt like this with anyone else. Bryan has been such a big part of me that it feels like I am only half a person without him. The most recurring thought I have is: I can't deal. I can't deal with this.

I feel so horrible for hurting him like I did. I don't know if we can recover from this, and we have overcome some things it takes other people years to defeat. We've been one hell of a team, minus the fighting amongst ourselves. I don't know how I can go on without him. I can't imagine my life without him in it. I dread going to bed tonight because it will be the second night that I haven't had the chance to lie next to him. I don't know if I can survive another day like this, I really don't.

DECEMBER 24TH, 2006

News

I just finished updating ("redecorating") my website, which is available by clicking here.

Check it out and let me know what you think. I have been keeping this website now for well over a year. I write in it more than I write in this one. I just reorganized it so go take a look, drop me a comment if you like.

DECEMBER 23RD, 2006

Concert

Current mood:cranky

I saw Bob Seger tonight. It fucking ROCKED. I cannot describe how bad ass it was. What sucks is that I don't feel good. I wish I would have felt better, so I could have enjoyed it to the fullest. What's great is that Bryan enjoyed it too. I am so glad I found someone who has almost the same passion for music that I do. We just like different TYPES of music.

I'm off to bed now. Hopefully, I'll feel better in the morning.

DECEMBER 10TH, 2006

Listen up, fuckers!

Current mood:lazy

Let me tell you what irks me. What really, really irks me. People who underestimate me. Constantly. People who assume, for one reason or another, that I am some kind of uneducated, out of control with my eating, Flint trash gutter slut. Seriously. I do not act this way. I have never conducted myself in such a way. But the looks I get and the way people treat me never cease to amaze me.

For example: When we arrived in Florida, we stopped at our hotel to check in. We were so excited to be out of the car, and be able to take showers. Bryan went to check in for us, and a few minutes later he came outside, saying something about paying for extra people because of the extra bed or some shit. Keep in mind that I had been up for about 30 hours, 13 spent driving over a thousand miles, and I was hungry and tired and really, really had to pee. And anyone who has ever traveled with Bryan will understand how frustrating it is to hear, "I'm not trying to bug you or nothin, but how much further til we get to Pensacola?" every five minutes. It kinda builds up. So when he came up to us and told us that, I bitched and sent him back in there to change it. Which he did, while Dave sat and listened to me rant and rave about how tired I was of being in the car. When he came back out he said, "Okay, I got the room, but I had to get just one bed because she said I couldn't get two beds with just one person." Which may sound feasible, but it wasn't like it was a big holiday weekend....it was the first week of December, Tuesday to be exact, in Pensacola fucking Florida. Ain't shit happenin. Come the fuck on.

My tired brain immediately skipped the "rationalizion" part of problem solving and went right straight to "blind rage" in seconds. I was so fucking tired and so tired of being in the fucking car that all I could think about was rest. Rest...and some food. And now someone wants to try and fuck with me?

I didn't say anything to Bryan, I just yanked the door handle and jumped out of the car and literally marched to the front door. Bryan followed behind me. I yanked the door open and as soon as I stalked in, the bitch behind the desk had a look on her face that clearly read, Uh oh, I picked the wrong one today. And I was about to confirm that for her.

"Uh uh," I said to the bitch behind the counter. I turned to Bryan and snapped, "Give her your card," which he immediately did. "I don't know what you're trying to pull, but there is absolutely no way you can tell him he can't have two bed if he wants two. I don't know who the fuck you think you are or who you think it is that you're fucking with, bitch, but I'm not the one, so you need to refund that money on his card right now---right fucking now!" She never said word to me, just took his card and began refunding it. And then I stormed out and when I got back in the car Dave was laughing,( he could see my wild gestures through the windows) and I told him what I said. He agreed with me that it was bullshit, and for some reason, they thought they could try to get over on me.

If I had been in a more rational state of mind, of course I would have handled it differently. I would have quietly argued with her and worn her down and made her feel so stupid she would have went home crying. But I wasn't up to the challenge. It makes me angry to think that people go through life scamming other people. I know that its tempting sometimes, but karma is such a bitch. I have been on both sides of that issue. I've had good AND bad karma, and its all directly related to how you treat people. I am a FIRM believer in treating people the way I expect to be treated. And when people treat me like shit....or treat others in my life that I am close to like shit...for no other reason than POOR JUDGEMENT....I tend to get infuriated. And I do not stand for it.

So there is my rant for the night. My only point really is, don't underestimate me. You never know that might be lurking behind the surface of my outside layer. Heh heh. Heh. heh. heh.   :-D