So this is what I look like today. Well, not actually today because this pic was taken a few days ago, but still. I have grown quite attached to this silver streak that has made its appearance in my hair. Can you see it? It's in my bangs. It looks like a streak that was put there on purpose. Creuella Deville? I think not.

So I have plans for this upcoming year that, quite frankly, scare the shit out of me. First off, I am moving out of state again, reluctantly. In order to save money we are moving in with Curtis's sister for a year. She lives in Aurora, Illinois. So, this is where we are going.

I am a Michigan girl through and through, so leaving here again is breaking my heart. But we need a better quality of life for ourselves and for Josh; Flint, MI doesn't quite cut it. We are leaving in March. I am in the process of eating all the coneys I can get my hands on. Chicago coneys are nothing like Flint coneys, and I will miss them. But that's about all I will miss. There's nothing left for me here, not with Alexa being in Florida and Memo being gone forever. When I wake up in the middle of the night scared to tears at the thought of moving, I just remind myself that there's nothing left here to hold on to and it is time to go.

Curtis has a guaranteed job, and I will probably start classes for nursing and/or wait tables in the meantime. That's if I can find a waitressing job...I am kind of getting old and my options are limited. I just can't wait to get this over with and get down there and see what opportunities may await me. I should have bettered my life years ago, when I had umpteen million chances. When I started this blog I had it better than I ever had it,and for many years afterward, I just never knew it. Now I know what it's really like to struggle, to have to count change to buy diapers and to go without any kind of transportation at all and have to depend on people for everything. I could have never envisioned this kind of life for myself, but I have to admit, that I did see it coming, I just didn't how to face it head on. I am tired of just barely surviving.

So, now I get to see where this new life is going to take us. I hope 2013 turns out to be my year!

MARCH 19, 2007

Update

Current mood:angry

Someone asked for an update, so here it is in a nutshell.

Serra went to jail for calling a cop a bitch and pointing out to him that at least WE werent geeks who got beat up in high school so now we get to wear big, bad, blue uniforms and act like big, bad pricks. I bailed her out the next day. Consequently, she is not allowed to leave this shit hole of a state until her court case is done. I didnt pay some of my utility bills so I would have extra money to move, but now Im screwed and I wont have the internet after today.

On St Patricks day, while I was out with Dave, Bryan, and Serra, we got a phone call from my sister Kathy who informed us that Ricky was in jail, was arrested for driving while under the influence, 3 times over the legal limit exactly, and since he has some old felony warrants, we dont expect him to get out soon.

I also dealt with a situation here at my house the very same night, but I refuse to go into detail about it on here. Too risky, but rest assured everyone...Im handling it the way it SHOULD be handled.

So, we have no money, were broke, and thank God for my friend Stromie who gave Serra a few hundred dollars to buy food and stuff for the baby, since they didnt plan on staying here that long and she was running out of stuff. Other than that, I dont feel like I have shit to be thankful for. Church does nothing for me. I hate my life.

1:40 PM

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Alexa BowmanHang in there, Mummy. You'll pull through. We always pull through on the rough spots. That's all this is, is a rough spot. A helluva big one, but a roug spot. Don't worry, Serra, Bella, and I are going to help you through it!

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5 years ago

MARCH 7, 2007

Hilarity

Current mood:high

Me and Ricky are sitting here, stoned and feeling very nice. We start discussing ways to harass people, and then decide to try and do something to Bryan. Ricky finds Jeff's Halloween costume in my closet, which is a big foam beer bottle. Literally. A bottle of beer. Ricky puts it on and makes some faces in the mirror, and we crack up for a few minutes. Then, just as my ribs stop hurting and I can breathe normally again (you know how high people laugh...hysterically and forever), I suggest we go into a bar and just sit around nonchalantly and gauge peoples reactions. Ricky puts his hands on his hips and, while standing just like a superhero, says, "No, I'll walk in there just like this and say, 'Heard someone ordered me.' "

This we gotta try.

MARCH 6, 2007

Dog, The Bounty Hunter

Current mood:okay

For some reason, I cant fall asleep tonight (now things are getting interesting..I used to have no problem falling asleep but couldnt STAY asleep, and now it looks like Im gonna have trouble falling asleep tonight. Why? Just for variety? Come on now.) Last night I had a dream that I lived in a big beautiful house in Pensacola and the front side of the house was pure glass...windows. My cousin Sarah lived right across the street so I had to keep the glass covered so she couldnt see into my house. I would spy on her though, and every time I saw her on the computer I would check Bryans email to see if she had written to him. CRAZY.

So Im sitting up watching Dog the Bounty Hunter, and I just have to say that even though him and Beth are really cheesy with their bleached hair, mullets, and triple F boobs, they are truly, truly good people. They are a perfect example of how people can turn their lives around and use their bad experiences to educate people and help them. They have a strong faith in God and their family is very close. I like them. I would love to work with people like them.

Well, tomorrow Im going to church with Mike and Kristi, and maybe hanging out with Bryan. We'll see. Its hell because I really cant go out and do anything with Alexa being grounded. I dont trust her to be home alone right now, but I do let her participate when we all play games together. I dont let her watch TV and I have confiscated her I Pod, her cell phone, and her video games. All she has is clothes and a bed and some books. Now she has nothing to do but homework. I dont bar her from church group or family oriented activites, but Im trying to get the point across that I am not playing with her anymore. I havent let her go to my Dads in a few days either. I still have to plan what Im going to say to that man.

All right, Im off to bed now to try and sleep. I dont feel at all tired, which sucks, but maybe that will change. We shall see...

MARCH 4, 2007

Poker Fiend

Current mood:sleepy

Ive been sitting here playing poker for a while. All is quiet about the house. The weekend was pleasant and low key. I went to church tonight, with Kristi and Mike, Serra and Bella, and Bryan. It was a fun, enthusiastic service and we left feeling very nice. Now its late and dark and the house is peaceful and I am content at the moment. Bryan and I had a talk about me moving to Florida. He knows Im going but he still doesnt know when. It was very emotional, indeed. And, for once, very honest.

There is something about this church that I really like. I enjoy going and I look forward to it. I would like to attend on Wednesday nights also, because everyone is so nice and there are all kinds of activities to participate in. This is very helpful to me, because everyone is so positive and enthusiastic and real. This is the kind of environment I need. They dont sit and preach and preach, because I dont like that. They make it fun and we have some interesting discussions. For once in my life, I am really enjoying church. Thanks again, Kristi and Mike!! LOL

I slept well last night, and tonight I really hope to do the same. I have an appointment tomorrow with the school so that I can start the HUC program. Classes start on the eighth, so I need to get a move on! But I am really looking forward to starting this new phase of my life. Im ready to leave the old one behind. I am ready for some happy, positive things. My heart may have been broken, but the stress is subsiding a little every day. Whenever Bryan is around me, Im very firm with him that I am not going to take his shit and he knows I mean it. Hes been taking me seriously and treating me with more respect. We have not even talked about getting back together. He knows that is not an option. I could never trust him again, not after what he put me through. He would have to be over thirty five years old before I would consider it. But we have a wonderful friendship, and without the stress of our romantic relationship burdening us, we actually get along and laugh together and enjoy each other like we once did. I watched him get emotional in church tonight and I suddenly felt like I was right where I belonged at the moment I was in it. I havent felt so peaceful in a while.

I am actually starting to enjoy getting up early in the morning. Instead of fighting it, I welcome the quiet, peaceful time alone that I have to do whatever I want. As long as I try to get at least 6 hours of sleep a night, Ill be all right. Unfortunately, I wake up often and I dont rest well, but last night was a good night. I woke up three times but I only had to get up to pace once. Thats very good, for me. When I did wake up I felt rested. I havent felt that way in a long time, either.

I am so sleepy right now. Im going to finish this, turn the heat down, and go to bed. I cant wait to fall asleep tonight.

MARCH 3, 2007

Realizations

Current mood:determined

I just reread my last post. My feelings haven't changed on the subject at all, but now I have a solution.

Ricky and Serra being here has been a godsend. If not for them, I dont know where Id be right now. Ive been going to church and taking comfort with my good friends who have my best interests at heart. Ive been doing a lot of thinking and a lot of soul searching, and what I think is best is for me to go back to Florida. Not only am I going to go back to Florida, but Im not going to tell Bryan Im going. He knows I plan on going back and I can see that it bothers him, but what Im going to do is just go without telling him when Im leaving. He wouldnt ever expect me to pack up my house and just go without saying goodbye or SOMETHING to him. I plan on doing just that, except that when I stop to get gas for the first time Im going to call Nextel from a payphone and change my number. I have to cut off ALL CONTACT if I am ever going to get over this. He wouldnt ever in a million years expect me to cut off all contact from him. Let him be in pain and shock for a while. He needs to live without me. I am not strong enough to do it while Im only a few miles away from him, but if I am in a new environment with new things to focus on, I can purge him out of my life a lot easier. Im sure it will be hard at first, but not being around him or a part of the situation will make the healing go that much faster. I cant live like this for much longer because the stress is really taking a  toll on me physically, as well as mentally. Not being able to actually rest while I sleep is making me ill. I throw up a lot and Im losing weight faster than ever. I am eating more these days, though, so thats good. But I feel like if I have to take one more blow, whether it be psychological or physical, I might either collapse or have a heart attack. There have been nights when the grief has been so bad, and the stress has been so overwhelming, that I went from crying hysterically in my bathroom, to crouching over the toilet throwing up violently, to curling up in a ball on a fetal position on the floor, trying to calm myself and my heart down because I felt close to passing out. Who the fuck can live like that? Its a wonder Ive been doing it this long. Enough is enough. I have to do what I have to do. I want to live, I want to succeed, and I want to be happy. I dont need someone in my life to make me happy, but I do need to find a way to achieve some peace. The best way to do that is to leave, just go. Ill cry my eyes out over it at first, but when I am no longer exposed to the things that hurt me anymore Ill start to get better. I have to. I want to.

I hope God gives me strength to do this. I hope I CAN do this. I NEED to do this

MARCH 1, 2007

W O W

Current mood:morose

I never thought that I would ever experience a crushing heart break like this. It is SO hard! I know I need to get over it and Im trying to, but it hurts like my soul is being ripped out of me. I swear to God, I have never experienced such pain before. I cry often, I dont sleep much, and I am so tense all the time. Sometimes, a memory will invade my thoughts and a sharp stab of pain will hit me right in the heart. Its a searing, stinging pain that Ive never known before. I feel like Im on the outside looking in at something I know I will never have even though I want it more than anything. I want to hold on to it so bad even though I know it cant be mine. Ive been fighting for so long that I didnt realize how much Ive been hurting. Now that the fightings over, I realize how tired I am of hurting. My spirit is so exhasuted from all this grief and sorrow. I just dont want to hurt anymore.


How the hell can I feel completely at home, yet absolutely lost, at the same time? Thats how I feel around Bryan. I need to stop, stop seeing him, just stop talking to him completely, disappear from his life abruptly and never come back. I want to do this so bad but I CANT, I cant do it when I live right here. I have a weakness for him that I dont understand. Ive always been strong, but when it comes to him I cant resist anything. Why? I wish I didnt love him. I really wish I didnt. I cant stand sitting here worrying about whether or not hes with someone else. Theres nothing I can do about it, have no right to say anything about it, but the thought of it makes me want to cry hysterically. I keep waiting for this grief to end, or at least subside some, but it hasnt. It keeps getting worse.

I hope I sleep better tonight than last night. I really need to rest. I really do