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Saturday, February 27, 2010

Life on a Dime


Soooo...here we are. Me and the man that I am now going to be linked to forever. Before I even write about this, I have to say that I cannot believe I have been writing in this journal now for four and a half years, and when I re read some of my entries this morning I was just shocked at how much life can change. That's why the title of this post is "Life on a Dime." It can turn any second and without warning.

I have been in this relationship now for several months, and while it has been absolutely riddled with complications, and anxiety, and sadness, and some stress, there are a few things about it that are different than any relationship I've ever had before. All those nights I spent lying in bed next to Bryan, dreaming of the man I wished he could be, I never actually thought the next guy who crossed my path would be the one I used to think of. As I matured out of my relationship with Bryan and began to see him for who he really is, I began to give some serious thought into what I wanted out of a man for the next time I decided to be in a relationship with one. Being with Bryan made me realize a lot about myself and taught me some valuable lessons about self esteem and wasting time. I realized what it was that I truly value in a partner, and neither my husband or Bryan fit those criteria at all, which is why I was absolutely miserable in both relationships. But this one...this one fits in so many ways. Even now, though, I am not absolutely sure if he is a perfect fit. I'm not in a hurry to rush things along, and this situation is very unique anyway, not to mention unconventional. But somehow, it has worked all this time. We are pretty close and the difference between him and Bryan is that he actually loves me and shows it all the time. Sometimes I am still amazed at the things he does for me.

He is like me, in that he has a quick temper and has no problem displaying his emotions with fiery passion. The best part about our relationship is that we know how to talk to each other. We are exactly the same when it comes to temperament, but we know that about each other, so we step lightly around each other and show each other respect even when we don't agree. We hardly ever raise our voices to each other. We are not mean to each other, and we don't call each other names. There's been a couple of times when things got overwhelming, but two bad fights in eight months is not bad, and I think it's a pretty good indication that we know how to work things out. Sometimes we butt heads at first, and he can be VERY self absorbed, but we usually work it out. As he's said to me before, we always seem to find our middle ground.

So, in the beginning of January, I started not feeling well. I didn't find this too unusual, since I work with the public, but I was getting concerned. I was feeling dizzy at work a lot, and I seemed to never get enough sleep. I just chalked it up to working the early morning shift. But I was also very emotional and very very easily irritated. PMS has been plaguing me for years now, so I didn't think anything of it. I just laughed at myself and checked the calendar frequently to make sure my period was on time. (I chart my ovulation and my cycle in order to prevent pregnancy. I did have a prescription for Depo Provera, but every time I was ready to take the shot they didn't have an available appointment for me. I didn't concern myself with it because I was keeping track and that seemed to be working just fine.) I just went along with my business as usual. In the meantime, I began drinking a LOT of chocolate milk and I just figured it was a food phase that we all sometimes go through. However, the man continually told me, day in and day out, that I was pregnant. Every time I went pee, he would follow me and tell me I was pregnant. If I complained that I was dizzy...I was pregnant. He took note of how many empty chocolate milk bottles there were on the floor of my car and announced that I was pregnant. He would hold me in bed at night and tell me I was pregnant. I just laughed at him because there was NO FUCKING WAY that I wanted that to happen and I was one hundred percent sure it wouldn't.

Then, on the morning of January 20th, after opening up the restaurant and during a lull in which there was nothing to do, I sat down with my phone and calculated how many days, on average, I go between periods. (I use the calendar on my phone for that purpose.) I sat down with a piece of paper and wrote it down for each month. September, 23 days. October, 24 days. November, 23 days. December, 27 days. WAIT! 27 days??? And I have not begun bleeding yet?? Oh SHIT. So, that day after work, I texted my BFF Roxanne (referred to as Lynn in earlier posts) and told her I was going to take a prego test. I also called my friend Angie and said the same thing. I described my symptoms to her and we both agreed it could be anything. I stopped at the dollar store, bought a test, and came home. I took the test immediately, because I REALLY had to pee. Then, while it was working, I picked up the kitchen, changed my clothes, all very casual like, not even thinking really about the pregnancy test because even though it had been 27 days since my last period, I technically wasn't late....until the 21st.

I went into the bathroom to check it, and when I saw two lines I didn't believe it. I just didn't. I said, "Oh my fucking GOD," out loud and placed it in the medicine cabinet. Then I texted Roxanne with "It's positive." It still hadn't sunk in yet. I called Angie, and told her. She suggested I buy another one, which I had already made up my mind to do. I left my house, stopped at another store, bought another test, and then headed for Angie's. It didn't take long because I already had to pee again. Once I got there, I took the test into the bathroom and peed on it. I didn't even have my pants all the way up before both lines were glaring at me...another positive result.

So...Sondra is pregnant. Again. This is my third pregnancy and will be my fourth child. There have been some complications with this pregnancy already. At this point I am almost ten weeks along and I have been to the ER twice with bleeding. Once I was absolutely sure that there was no more baby, but there was. I have seen it on ultrasound quite a few times already, and I am just amazed. I am amazed that after all these years of being with other people, I am pregnant by this one. I am amazed that I am pregnant at all. But with this pregnancy comes a certain kind of joy and love that I have not yet felt; I am in love with the man I created this baby with. I am madly in love with him because of the way he makes me feel when he loves me. And when I look at our baby, either on the ultrasound screen or in pictures, it makes me feel like in some weird way, it was meant to be. I haven't carried a child in twelve years and I never thought I would again. But this child is going to be worth it. I know that we will be good parents, regardless of how our relationship progresses. We have been through hell these last six weeks or so, it has been a very hard period of adjustment. Even though he kept telling me I was pregnant, when I actually broke the news for him he really freaked out. He was cool for two days and then, as he went into an internal battle with himself, he removed himself from me emotionally which was really very hard because I needed him to be there for me. I was scared, angry, and completely overwhelmed and so was he. Instead of supporting one another, we just kind of turned on each other there for a while. But we have gotten through that phase, and now we both have accepted that we are going to be parents...seperately and together. Not to mention that I had to go to the hospital a few days ago, because I was bleeding so badly I was sure there was no more baby. He took me to the ER and stayed with me all day and emotionally held me up. He kept himself sane by smoking more than a half a pack of cigarettes in a six hour period. He held me, comforted me, cried with me...and when I came back from ultrasound and told him that our baby was fine, we hugged for a long, long time. We talked about how relieved we were. We talked about how now we are absolutely committed to our child. Now he calls me every morning to see how I feel. We have lunch together on some days so we can see each other and touch base. We nag each other about our unhealthy habits. (His smoking and his diet are terrible. He nags me about whatever he can find to nag me about since I nag him.) We talk a lot about our baby. I have told him that I love him and I love this baby and that's all that matters.

So now, this year is going to be so different. I am sorry to be losing my single status. Not to mention I have lost a ton of weight. My weight used to plague me terribly. Now it's not so bad, and my biggest fear is getting up to be about 300 lbs again. I DO NOT WANT THAT TO HAPPEN. So I try to eat well and drink a lot of water. I haven't felt well enough to exercise and I am not even sure if I should, given all the bleeding. (I have an appointment with my doctor on Monday. Hopefully he can tell me what is wrong.) I am trying to prepare myself mentally to be a mother to an infant. It has been a LONG, LONG time...16 and a half years, to be exact! Do I think I'm prepared for it? Yes. Am I going to be tired? Yes. Am I going to wish that I had used a condom sometimes? I'm sure I will. But this baby has been called everything from a superstar to a trooper already, just because I've been scared twice now into thinking I'm no longer pregnant, so that just fuels my desire to get it here and raise it with this man that I love so dearly. Of the men I have spent my life with in the last 7 years, Shawn and Bryan, this is the man that I am HAPPY to be having a baby with. I cannot wait to see it. He wants a girl, and of course, I want a boy. The thing is, he already has a son which is why he wants a daughter. So if it is a girl, he will be ecstatic and I will be happy for him. So I'll take either one. I'll be happy with what we get. It really doesn't matter to me, but I am not going to start buying baby stuff until I know for sure what it is.

So that's what's new with me. Pregnant! And in love with my baby daddy. What next?