Endings and New Beginnings

Last night, after Bryan and I came home from what was intended to be a nice day out, spent shopping and eating lunch with Alexa, but what turned into an argument in the restaurant that ended with me dropping Bryan off at his mother's and picking him up about an hour later, instead, Kristi and Mike came to our room and told us that they had found a house and that they were moving out, and that they would be out by Monday.

At first, I felt a sense of relief, because, honestly, my anxiety has gotten a hold of me so badly lately that I've only left the house three times in two weeks, but then I started feeling a little sad. The four of us have been through so very many transitions, it would be impossible to list them all here. We have watched each other change, grow, and mature in many ways. We have been a very tight knit family, inseperable since the end of June and living together since the first of August. I mulled over this last night and when I woke up this morning, my stomach was tied in knots and my anxiety level was the highest it had been in days. I really felt like I was going to fall apart. When I met up with Kristi, accidentally, in the living room, I couldn't hold back a few tears as I told her that I didn't think that Bryan and I were going to take their absence very well. Bryan and I will be automatically raised to another level, us living alone with Alexa and all...wow...it scares the shit out of me. So much so that I just get a little overwhelmed at the thought of a strong support system to lean on just disappearing. Some days I don't feel strong enough to take all this on alone.

So, I will be staying home for New Year's. I always do. I hate New Year's. As a Bull, I am very resistant to change. I like certain things to stay the same. If any changes take place at all, I want them to be under my control. Every New Year's Eve I sit and ponder the year in passing, and then I contemplate the possibilities for the following year. Last year was very emotional; my nephew Ricky and I got into an argument and then we both felt the presence of our dead friend Heather very strongly. I went to bed exhausted and drained. The year before that, I was taking care of Tim Tees while Anne worked and Ricky and Shawn partied. I was pissed because I asked Shawn not to drink, and he did anyways. I remember changing a diaper at 12:00 AM. The year before that I think we spent with his parents. The year before that, when I was single, I spent it with some friends and I cried at midnight for all the changes coming for the following year. If only I had known! So this year I expect it to be just as emotional, if not more emotional, than New Year's Eves of the past. I'm trying to be positive, but it is always the most emotional day of the year for me.

I am still working on re-posting my links and some more design detail on the layout of this page. This keeps me pretty busy, since I am also trying to find full time work. So, people, until next time I write....

Some Advice From Me

I am so sorry that I haven't been writing much lately. I have been extremely sick, and as a result, every member of this house is now falling ill with the same thing I had. Christmas Eve and Christmas? Forget it. I laid in bed, wishing for death every second. My body hurt, I couldn't breathe from all the congestion in my chest, and I couldn't stop coughing. I ran a low grade fever and mumbled in my sleep. I missed Christmas Eve at my Aunt and Uncle's house, and Alexa didn't get to open her presents on Christmas until well after noon. Then, the very day I start feeling better, Bryan starts feeling like shit. I mean, his eyes were all glazed over and he was definitely running a temperature. I let him sleep all day, waking him up only periodically to give him some more medicine. Today, he is almost back to his old self. And so am I.

Which brings me to the reason for this post. Bryan and Dave are always out playing poker. They talk about poker a lot and at first, I tuned them out. But then, I started listening, just so I could follow their conversations. And it actually caught my interest. One night, before we took our second trip to Florida, I was hanging out with Bryan at his house and he was watching a tournament. I started asking questions, and the more I understood about the game, the more it piqued my interest. So, the other night, we had a little get together at my house and Dave asked me if I wanted to play poker with everyone. I thought, what the hell, I'll give it a shot. I mean, I had enough of a basic understanding to get through it, and if I didn't like it, I could always just quit.

Well, I'm hooked now. Ladies: if your man is into poker, totally get into it with him. It's so much fun. It's something you can do together, and guys are intimidated by girls who play poker, I've heard. I've been playing online, just to practice, and a couple of hours can go by pretty quickly. Alexa learned how to play before I did, and now she helps me when I have questions. I like playing against her on the table though, because she's easy for me to read. I have a long way to go before I can read strangers, but once I feel a little more confident, I'm going to the casino with Dave and Bryan and playing poker with them instead of burning up all my money on the slots. I'll make sure I wear my ball cap and sunglasses, though. I am too easy to read. The other night, Dave was able to predict what I had in my hand by the look on my face. That's nuts! What a fun, crazy game. Try it. I suggest vegaspoker247.com. This site is a lot of fun, with lots of ways to play.

All right, I'm off to take care of some business. Until next time...................

My New Look

Hey, everyone! You like my new look for 2007? It's brighter, cheerier, and has a whole new theme. Since this blog keeps changing with me, I felt it was time for an upgrade. Let me know how you like it (or if you don't) and I'm going to keep on making changes here and there. For starters, does anyone know what other service besides www.vidilife.com I can use to add streaming music to my page? Music is a very important part of the character of my journal, because I change it according to my moods and with what's current in my life. The codes I have been using for vidilife no longer work; however, according to the help section of their website, nothing has changed. Vidilife hasn't worked for me since September. So does anyone have any suggestions?

In the meantime, I am going to keep fine tuning this site as best as I can. As you can see, I removed the ads. They really served no purpose, honestly. I'm not here to make money. I'm here to pour my heart out in the form of my chosen art: writing. I've been having a hard time coming up with a theme for this new blog. "The Bowailey's" seemed a perfect way to honor the merging of this dysfunctional group of people we call a FAMILY. We're struggling, but we're doing it. It's not easy to merge two lives, especially under our circumstances, but we've been through all of our bullshit and now we're about ready to settle down. I promise to be honest in my writing, but there will be things, of course, that I don't share. Please keep in mind that I never shy away from criticism, even if it is constructive. I may not respond to every comment posted, but I read each and every one of them. When I ask for advice, I appreciate everyone who takes their time to respond and everything they say is considered.

I plan on beginning this blog on a happy, positive note. Until I write again, I wish everyone a Happy Holiday. God Bless, and Happy New Year!

I Am Sick

I am so sick right now. I mean, I've felt much much worse, of course, but right now I feel pretty run down. I've been running low grade fevers off and on for a couple of days. I've drank lots of water and tea. I've been popping TheraFlu pills every six hours but I haven't left my house in three days in an attempt to get rid of whatever I have. My chest is a little congested and I have a nasty cough. Yesterday my nose decided to clog up, so now I can't breathe really well. Right now, as I speak, Bryan is at Rite Aid grabbing me some Zicam medicine.

Tonight is a big night for me. I have waited for tonight for the longest time. BOB SEGER is here and I HAVE TICKETS. The show starts at eight. I am not missing this for ANYTHING. I had to jump through many hurdles to get those tickets. I don't care if I have to limp into the Palace, I am seeing Bob Seger. I have waited for this for the longest time. I think I already said that.

Yesterday I woke up, feeling shitty, and I rolled over on my back and pointed at the sky and said, "You're trying to send me some kind of message right now, aren't you? Well, this is FUCKED UP. I am GOING!" In reality, I should be in bed. But I am going to go see one of rock and roll's greatest rock the fucking house in his hometown, promoting his new album, Face The Promise, which is very political and introspective. I guess that's what happens when you stay off the road for about eleven years! His voice is mellower, smoother...he's in his sixties now. But I bet he will rock my socks off.

I'm going to start getting ready. Wish me luck...hope I don't fall over dead.

Good Times

Last Friday, I went out with Bryan, Dave, and someone that I have known for so many years the only way I can describe her is to say she's family to me. We had such a good time. We danced and laughed and actually had a good time, like adults do. Bryan and I have gotten a lot closer since my last post, but I'm not really detailing it in here right now for reasons I will keep to myself. However, I will say that everything is going well, and that includes my relationship with Alexa. For now, though, I just want to post these pictures. What you see here are true, genuine friends having a really good time.



Bryan and Dave. I caught Dave dancing and Bryan, at this point, was pretty schnockered. You can tell. In this pic he reminds me of a mean chihuahua, for some reason.
Me and Bryan being silly.
Dave, Bryan and Nikky
Me and Nikky.







Me and Bryan

Random Silliness

We had some silly moments the last couple of days. The pictures of me and Alexa were taken today. She's having a heart attack right now because she wants to be online and I'm hogging the computer. LOL. Anyways, here you go...



Alexa and that pain in the ass dog of hers, Riley.



Bryan wearing my glasses. Funny how his head is perfectly shaped like an egg in this picture.




Me and Alexa goofing off in front of the cam. Looks like I need to think about getting a new one of these.

My favorite picture of me and Alexa. We took this today. I think we both look genuinely happy in this picture...and I think we were.

Holiday Cheer

Yesterday, I received a frantic phone call from an old friend, asking me to come pick her and her children up and drive them to the Safe House. (Which is a battered woman's shelter.) I knew this call had been coming for a while, I just didn't know when she would have the guts to do it. Her husband, who has issues to deal with that he hasn't yet, has began smoking crack and taking the family down with it. He sold the family vehicle (which wasn't paid off yet), lost his job, and sold their food stamps and spent their state assistance cash on drugs. Last night, he came home drunk and angry after being up (and away from home) for over 24 hours, drinking and drugging. Angry because my friend had a measly five dollars left that she managed to hold on to, he wrestled her to the ground (in front of their children, both under the age of four) and physically assaulted her...for five dollars. I guess this was the last straw and that's when she decided to call me. All she said was, "Come get me. Now." I knew what that meant. I explained to Mike and Kristi, very quickly, what was going on and, in order to have some extra protection, I asked Mike and Kristi to pray for us. I was scared of what I was going to walk into, and I knew I was going to need the strength to face it. So Mike, Kristi, Bryan, Alexa, and I all joined hands in the living room and said a quick but powerful prayer asking for protection and strength. I have to admit that it did make me feel better.

When I got there, her husband had come back from wherever he was and was combative about her leaving. He slammed the door and locked us out of the house so that she couldn't take their children. (I walked right up the front door and faced him, knowing that he had threatened to "kill" me if I walked out with his wife and kids.) I brought her out to my car and calmly called the police. While I was explaining to 911 that he refused to give over the kids even though it was obvious he'd been drinking, he shoved the two kids out the door and slammed it shut. My friend rushed up and grabbed them and hustled them to the car. We sat and waited for about fifteen minutes for the police, and while I was calling them back, her husband left the house, making it a point to lock it up and take the keys with him, knowing she did not have HER set of keys. She told me to explain to them that he had a VOP warrant (Violation of Probation) and I did. A few minutes later, the police showed up, asked her some questions, and drove off. They came back a short while later and told her that they had found her husband and took him into custody. I watched the relief cross her face, and I hoped that I never knew how that felt....feeling relieved that the person you love most in the world is in cuffs and is being locked in a cage. How awful. Anyway, the police advised her to stay the night at home, since he wasn't going anywhere for the time being, and make her escape with some planning. As it turns out, that was very good advice, because that's exactly what she did. When I arrived at her house today, she was packed and ready to go. I took one box of her sentimental items, and her brother took two. She packed what she needed and said "fuck the rest." She wrote him a letter, telling him that she loved him but that she wanted her husband back. She asked him to get help and seek therapy. She assured him she would reconsider the marriage if he would consider change. She left it on the kitchen table so he would see it.

I dropped her and the kids off and felt emotional as I watched them walk into the building. How sad it must be to spend your Christmas in a shelter. But then I considered all the things that are going to happen to her now....counseling, job placement assistance and training, a clean, safe place to live, child care, relocation assistance, emergency state relief, and a state aid vehicle purchasing program....I thought, well, hell, that won't be too bad at all. Not at all. I felt a little bit better when I drove away.

Pictures to Share

Since it's been a while since I've exploited Bryan for my own pleasure, I decided to post some pics of him and also some pics he took while we were in Florida. We got goofy earlier and I made him "pose." You can see Alexa in the background, working on some homework. (She did not want her picture taken.) While this was going on, she was talking to her friend on the phone and she said, "Oh my God, my mom is taking pictures of Bryan and saying how cute he is," with teasing disdain. But I would like to add that she hung out with me all day. AND she had a good day at school. So, anyway, here we go. (More pictures to come later.)

This was taken at Ricky's house in Florida. I like this picture.
Bryan grinning...what a little kid grin.
I snapped this one without him knowing I was going to do it. I wanted to capture the expression on his face, which I think I did quite well. He looks pretty thoughtful here.
His perfect ass, which prompted me to pull out the camera in the first place.
The ALIEN HOUSE on Pensacola Beach in Florida. There are little alien eyes peeking out of the windows! Agggh! In this pic, it looks like it's sitting on top of a trailer but it's not. That's a construction trailer you see. And there is actually a now defunct company that produced this particular house design. I think it was sometime in the 60's.
This is a great photo of a "hurricane proof" house that sits on Pensacola Beach. Bryan took this picture because he recognized it from a picture and article he'd seen on the internet about this house. I think he did a great job of taking this picture. The light couldn't be more perfect.

Trials and Tribulations

I am absolutely beside myself right now. I decided to write about this in a public forum because I figured I could use the help and the advice.

This kid of mine has been so rotten lately. I mean, downright defiant. She simply does not give a fuck. I mean, there are some things that she has never really given a fuck about, such as her behavior and performance in school. But now she doesn't give a fuck about anyone or anything, and she doesn't care who she pisses off. This is what's beeng going on.

This kid has had the same chores for four years or more. They never change and are always the same. Every once in a while, I'll ask her to do a little something else and she will drag it on and procrastinate until I just do it myself, which is her goal in the first place. Her chores are to scoop out the kitty litter boxes (we have two) every day or at least every other day, take out the kitchen trash when it's full, take the two trash cans out to the road, and keep her bathroom clean. That's it. Oh, and take care of her dog, which she does just barely. While I was in Florida, she got into a huge fight with my dad because he accused her of not taking care of Riley properly. While he was overreacting a little bit, there was some truth to his accusations.

The day before yesterday, Alexa brought home a detention slip for me to sign. She was given detention due to being disrespectful (blantantly) to a teacher. We talked about it and I signed the slip, which she "forgot" to take to school. The disciplinary officer, Opal, called me to confirm that I knew Alexa had detention and we spoke on the phone for about ten minutes while she explained to me that the group of girls that Alexa is hanging out with is constantly in trouble and that she doesn't know what happened to my once somewhat well behaved child. I explained to Opal that although there is no excuse for rude and insubordinate behavior, that there had been a lot of changes in our home in the last few months and that Alexa is probably having some trouble adjusting. After we hung up, I decided it was probably time to call the insurance company and see what kind of therapy is covered under her current plan. (Her father now provides her insurance. YAY! No more Medicaid.) It's time to nip this thing in the bud.

A few hours later, I get a phone call from Opal, who proceeds to tell me that I need to come up to the school for a conference with her and Alexa, because evidently Alexa became rude and disresepectful in detention and was kicked out. I flew up to the school where I had an hour and a half long conference with Opal and Alexa. I won't get into any details just because it would take too long, but what we did was basically confront her about what might be bothering her. She said she was tired of the school and the snobs there, etc, but what I really think is that our home life is affecting her this way. I explained to Opal that I am in the process of divorcing, and that I have a new relationship that is not always stable and that Alexa had been exposed to it too much. (Honestly, this is where I think her disrespectful mouth comes from.) She, too, thought it might be a good idea to get us into some kind of family therapy. I explained that I haven't been around a lot and that my focus hasn't been on her and I. I wanted everyone to know that I do understand where this stuff is coming from. It doesn't make it any less stressful, though.

Last night, I went and took the last few dollars I had and instead of buying fast food or wasting it on something stupid, I went to the grocery store (with Alexa) and bought stuff to make a huge spaghetti dinner. We came home, cleaned a little bit together, and cooked together. We all sat down at the table and ate together like a family, like we used to, and she happily chattered on and on about school. Alexa is a really neat kid and I love her personality, I just can't stand her disrespectful mouth. I made sure I told her this, just not in so many words. She cleared the table without me asking her to, which was nice. I think that was therapy in itself, me being home and spending time with her. Usually she is busy with friends or when I ask her if she wants to go places with me she says no. So I don't want people to think I'm leaving her at home all the time and abandoning her; she doesn't want to go half the time. Yesterday we hung out all day and it was nice.

This morning is trash day. I was awake a little after eight when Alexa brought Riley into my room. I told her to have a good day and then I got up and picked up the kitchen a bit. I noticed that the kitchen trash was full, and I got a sneaking suspicion that the trash had not been taken out to the road. I looked out the front door and sure enough, there it was...by the porch. I sighed and did it myself, but now I'm pissed. It makes no sense. When I was in Florida, she did not do ONE of her chores, not ONE. So imagine the smell when I walked in the door...two full kitty litter boxes that had not been cleaned or changed for a week and a half or more. Kristi and Mike's room really reeked like kitty litter since once of the boxes is right by their door. Supremely pissed off, I picked up the kitty litter box that was right next to their room and put it in HER small room and closed the door. (She was sleeping at Grandpa's that night.) It stayed in there until almost 4PM the next day when she got home from school, and I know it didn't smell pleasant. I explained to her that that's how Kristi and Mike had to live, so, since she was too lazy to clean them out, that she could sit there and smell it instead. She didn't like that too much....but she cleaned them out. After much arguing and stalling. Then, last night, when I explained to Kristi what I did, she told me that while I was gone she asked Alexa to clean out the kitty litter boxes so that the house would be clean when I got home and Alexa's response was, "No. It's not my job." Kristi said, "Well, then, are you not going to do it, then?" Alexa said, "No, I'm not." Kristi said, "Well, I'll make sure I tell your mother you said that, then." Can you believe this shit? Not her JOB? WHAT?

So I don't know what to do. Grounding her doesn't work, because she is really sneaky and I don't have the energy to watch her every fucking move. Beating her doesn't work, just because I don't like to hit. (Although lately I've thought about giving her a good slap right in the fucking mouth, but the problem is that she knows it's coming and can outrun me). I don't know what to do. I want to take responsibility for my part of it, but she needs to take responsibility also. I don't know how to make her do that. She doesn't do anything I ask her to do anymore and everything I say turns into a fucking five hour screaming match....very similar to my relationship with Bryan. Anyone else see a pattern here?

I am so frustrated. Short of boot camp or shipping her off to live with her father I have run out of ideas. Boot camp would be great, I think, along with some therapy. Anyone have any ideas? I have already made it a resolution to be home more, and to include her in things whether she likes it or not. I came to this conclusion while I was in Florida. I want to see if anything improves as our home life slowly stabilizes, but I don't want to wait too long. So if there are any suggestions out there I would like to hear them.

Update

I know that I haven't written in a while. I've been doing a lot of soul searching and some traveling as well. The conclusion that it has led me to is really simple.

I used to live my life the way I felt God would want me to. I mean, I'm no Bible thumping conservative or anything like that, and anyone who knows me knows that, but I did my best by people and expected the same treatment in return. (Of course, I didn't always get it.) I felt a sense of inner peace in everything I did. I really do believe that you reap what you sow. Which brings me to where I am today. Nothing I am doing right now is right. Granted, I am not on drugs anymore, but I am not doing anything with myself. I am like, scared, to venture back out into normalcy. Because I'm afraid I won't fit in. But I so badly want to. I want to work, cook dinner, do normal things. Right now I exist within a very small comfort zone. Whenever I travel outside of it, I tend to do everything in my power to get back to it. Instead of grasping the opportunity to take a challenge, I retreat, every time. I used to enjoy challenging myself; now it's a challenge to simply get to the front door.

Which brings me to the picture above. This is my nephew Ricky, his girlfriend Serra, and their baby Isabella. They came to visit for Thanksgiving and we ended up returning to Florida with them so we could continue our visit. While we were with them, and I was holding Bella and playing with her and making her laugh, it suddenly occured to me that these are the things that are most important. Family, togetherness, bonding, and a strong sense of self. I suddenly realized that my most important values that I have lived by for so long had disappeared....like honesty, trust, initiative, drive, success, and sense of accomplishment. I saw the road that I had taken that brought me here, and the good news is that I know exactly what I need to do to bring myself back to where I used to be, when I was happy and had a sense of inner peace. See, I used to be this person that I am today...unmotivated, scared of change, and weak. I gained the strength that I needed to build myself up to where I was by directly facing the things I had avoided for so long, moving out of my comfort zone, and proving to myself that YES, I COULD do it. So I know what I need to do. For me, and for my daughter. Life should be better than this, and it will be.

Alexa turned 13 on the 22nd. Her party was a few friends over for the night, some pizza and a couple of movies. If you've ever thought about hosting a party for a bunch of 13 year old girls, please reconsider. It was so stressful! Bryan and I ended up playing mediator all night, as the girls got catty and emotional and started bickering. They fought almost ALL NIGHT, until about 11 PM when they all decided to forgive each other and start giggling and talking again. They even had the audacity to act surprised when Bryan and I fell into bed, exhausted, before they did. We were just all tuckered out from the bickering.

On this trip to Florida we just took, we fought the entire time. From the time we got there until we were in Kentucky on our way back, we fought. It was all day long. I called Alexa at least twice every day just to feel somewhat connected, because I felt like shit the entire time. His best friend Dave was with us and had to hear it all week long too. Strangely, when we got back to Flint, we were calm and rational. Still haven't argued yet.

Lastly, I want to say that one of the things I have been doing lately in preparing myself for changing my life is getting up early. I am so tired right now and it's only 12:18 AM. I've been getting up like a normal person, around 8 or 9. So, I am off to bed now.