Funny Shit

I thought I would write something a little more lighthearted than usual.

I thought I would share what I like to call "Bryanisms."

Bryan has his own manner of speaking, which I attribute to his Libra sign. I like the fact that he is his own person and doesn't care who knows it, but sometimes, he can be stressful.

One night, Alexa was really dressed like a tomboy and Bryan started teasing her, asking her if she was gay. I told him to stop it, but Alexa seemed to be able to handle her own, and started teasing him back. We went to Meijer's to go grocery shopping, and he took it too far and made her cry. She stalked ahead of us in the aisle and bumped right into some girls who were shopping, too. They took one look at her, and then glared at Bryan.

"You're mean," one of them said. "You need to APOLOGIZE."

So Bryan rolled up his shirt, tied it in a knot right above his belly button, and right there in Meijer's, in front of everyone, began prancing up and down the aisles, following Alexa, and loudly declaring, "I'm gay! I'm gay, everybody!" I got the hell out of there so people wouldn't know he was with me. I was pretty embarassed. When he finally caught up to me, a stockboy walked by and Bryan said to him, "I'm not really gay." The guy looked at him like was nuts, smiled, and shrugged his shoulders as if to say, "Who cares?" I have to agree. I cussed him out for embarassing me...but I smiled when I was doing it.

There was also this one time that I picked him up from the bar and he was pretty drunk. He asked me to go through the drive through at Taco Bell so I did. While we were in line, we started bickering and he got belligerent. He got out of the car, in line, and threatened to moon me. I was able to coax him back into the car that time. However, the people behind us were interested and started watching us. I asked him to please shut up and just order his food and he said, "No!" I said, "Bryan, will you please just act right? People are looking at us." He said, "So?" When the lady came on the speaker and asked us what we wanted to order, Bryan leaned over me and literally yelled through the window, "YEAH! SONDRA'S MAD AT ME BECAUSE--" at which point I yelled, "Shut up!" and attempted to drive away. But I forgot that once you're in the drive through lane at that particular Taco Bell, you're stuck. So I drove over the curb to get out of there, and in my rearview mirror, I could see the people behind us cracking up. Not one of my more graceful moments.

And, more recently, we got into argument that he decided to end by getting out of the car and walking home. I followed him down the road, trying to get him back in the car, because it was almost three in the morning and we were in a pretty bad area. I had also been drinking, and I was scared to drive alone. He refused over and over again, and finally we caught the attention of a few guys in a white car who pulled up next to Bryan and said, "Hey man, is everything all right? You all right?"

Bryan said, "Yeah, it's all right," as he continued to walk.

"Do you want a beer?" one of them asked.

"No, I'm good," he said.

One of the guys had been eyeing me and finally spoke up. "Are you sure everything is all right?" he asked Bryan.

"Yeah," Bryan replied. "It's just my drunk girlfriend trying to run me over."

As if it happens every day, or something.

Q & A And Other Stuff

I'm sitting here writing when I should be working on a little homework that I have. But I feel like writing, so fuck it.

First of all, I wanna say thanks to everyone that left me comments on the post before last. I was surprised and encouraged at the support I got from everyone. It meant a lot to me.

Ms. Cherie, to answer your question, I really don't mind that Shawn has a girlfriend. I've seen a picture of her and she is very pretty, and he seems to enjoy his time with her. He doesn't tell me much about their relationship or anything, but my daughter cheerfully informed me that they can talk on the phone for HOURS. LOL. I'm glad he's found someone to focus his attention on. He deserves someone that appreciates him.

My first day of school was awesome. It was nice connecting with old friends. Sitting in the classrooms was hard, because I haven't done that in so long, but otherwise it was fine. It was nice to have something different to focus my attention on.

Kristi S---why in hell aren't you in school this semester???

Everything else seems to be fine. Bryan and I are getting along pretty well. We are struggling with one issue and unfortunately it's a private one. I wish I could share it here, but I can't. I hope we can get through it. He spent the night last night. We've had a couple of bickering sessions, but nothing serious because we catch ourselves before we get really mad. So far, this has worked wonders. He even offered to take my car to go get worked on tomorrow while I'm in school. Like he doesn't have enough to do already, but I sure appreciate it.

I have two chapters to read for my Cognitive Behavior Therapy class and some notes to take, so I guess I had better get started on that. We're supposed to pick one thing about ourselves that we would like to change and apply a therapy to it to make it work. I already have a lot of things about myself that I would like to change, but I think I'm going to focus on yelling. I am a yeller. This only gets people more excited. It's better to be calm. But if anyone else has any better ideas, I'm definitely listening.

I Took a Personality Test Today

Extraversion	||||||||||||||||	66%
Stability	||||	16%
Orderliness	||||||||||||||	56%
Accommodation	||||||||||||||||||	76%
Interdependence	||||||||||||	43%
Intellectual	||||||||||	36%
Mystical	||||||||||||	43%
Artistic	||||||||||||	43%
Religious	||||||||||	36%
Hedonism	||||||||||||	50%
Materialism	||||||||||||||||	63%
Narcissism	||||||||||||||	56%
Adventurousness	||||||||||||||||||||	83%
Work ethic	||||||||||||||||	70%
Self absorbed	||||||||||||	43%
Conflict seeking	||||||||||||	50%
Need to dominate	||||||||||||||	56%

Romantic	||||||||||||	50%
Avoidant	||||||||||||||	56%
Anti-authority	||||||||||||||||	70%
Wealth	||||||||||	36%
Dependency	||||||||||	36%
Change averse	||||||||||||||||	70%
Cautiousness	||||||||||||||||||||	83%
Individuality	||||||||||||||||	70%
Sexuality	||||||||||||	50%
Peter pan complex	||||||||||	36%
Physical security	||	10%
Physical fitness	||	10%
Histrionic	||||||||||||||||||	76%
Paranoia	||||||||||||||||	63%
Vanity	||||||	23%
Hypersensitivity	||||||||||||||||	70%
Female cliche	||||||||||||||||	63%

Stability results were very low which suggests you are extremely worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.

Orderliness results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun.

Extraversion results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

trait snapshot:
open, tough, irritable, worrying, does not like to be alone, craves attention, low self control, emotionally sensitive, interacting, sad, very social, aggressive, prefer organized to unpredictable, dependent, social chameleon, suspicious, values the heart over the mind, likes large parties, outgoing, likes to make fun, likes to fit in, mildly phobic, vain, makes friends easily, enjoys leadership, clingy, rash.


*Whaddya think? Is it me? Um, I think it's almost pretty much on the mark.

And More Changes....

I start school in a little under twelve hours. I cannot wait.

I feel like my life is really going back to normal again. Things are still different, though.

For starters, my husband has a girlfriend. I am back in my old house and broke as ever. I am back on my medication and facing reality for the first time in a while. I am sober and rational, most of the time. And I am struggling with relationship issues, which is something I haven't had to worry about in a long time.

I can't wait to go back to school and start exercising again. I don't care if lose any weight, I just want to feel healthier. I can't wait to start my exercising my brain again...I feel like I'm slowly going retarded. I need to keep better care of my house and my things, and be more responsible with the money I DO have. Right now I suck at this.

I can't believe how much I have to face up to now. I have made such a huge mess of things. It's like I've been sleepwalking since May and now that I'm awake, I feel like I'm standing next to a smoking pile of ashes that happens to be my life and the lives of those around me. I feel like I could have handled everything so differently. I feel like I'm the one who poured the gas and lit the match.

I have finally realized that I cannot dwell on what a fuck up I have been. I have to focus on cleaning up the mess so that it doesn't affect anyone else anymore. My own father is still not really speaking to me, and half of my family refuses to have anything to do with me because of my relationship with Bryan. (Thank you, cousins, for not demanding the same thing. I don't think I could handle any more ultimatums.) I keep plodding on as I always do, but it still sucks. I used to be the golden child, the most reliable, the one with her head on straight. I guess my mean, drunk sister would be happy to hear that I have been dethroned. Well, fuck her.

So right now my focus is on repairing relationships, especially the one I have with myself. I am so disappointed in myself that it makes me sick; but at the same time, when I look back on it, I knew it was only a matter of time before I broke and did something really stupid and avoided responsibility for a while. I live under a lot of pressure because I am a Type A personality and I think I just wanted to avoid reality for a while. However, the way I treated my husband and especially my daughter is deplorable. I am really ashamed of myself and I am admitting it here, in this public forum. And fuck those of you who judge me, because you really don't know me, and you have no idea what this is like.

I feel as if I am moving closer to my happy place. I have been feeling peaceful lately, as if I know everything is going to be okay. I haven't felt like this in months. Peaceful. Somewhat settled. And it will get better and better.

As for my relationship with Bryan, it's moving along as best as could be expected. He is putting forth a major effort right now, as am I. We just spent three wonderful, peaceful, fight free nights together and talked a lot about our relationship. We both know it's going to be a struggle, but we also both understand that we need to be a lot more accepting of each other. I have actually started to repeat what he says to me back to him, just to be absolutely sure that I understand what he's saying to me. (That just shows how badly we communicate sometimes.) When he gets done talking I tell him, "Okay, what I'm hearing you say is that...." I have found that this works, because he is a literal talker and I am an analyzer. This makes for MISERABLE communication. He says EXACTLY what he means, yet I sit and analyze it and go over it with a fine tooth comb for HOURS and usually I end up totally misunderstanding him. He doesn't get me either, because I like to talk in circles. During the time we spent together, we both practiced patience. It worked. I don't honestly know how long it will last, but right now, it sure is nice.

We are also working on a project together, for him. I am not going to mention it here, because it really isn't something I should share, but his close friends know what I'm talking about. We spent hours on it last night and tomorrow night we're going to work on it some more. I am really excited for him and I am glad I get to share in this experience.

I need to go to sleep now, it's almost three in the morning and I am very, very tired. I went to Bryan's house tonight and ended up hanging out with him and Dave, watching TV, which I never do. I have never hung out at his house more than three times. Then I took Dave home and came home, and I am exhausted. I didn't expect to be there that long.

So, I am off, with a little more optimism and a whole lot more hope. I hope that tomorrow is as good of a day as I think it's going to be.

Fuck You if You Dont Like It

I changed my music on my page. Kiss my ass if you think it's corny. It is, but it's how I feel. I'll get over it. Soon. But for now....

The Next Episode

I know everyone is just sitting around wondering what in the hell is going on with me. The truth is, I don't know. I mean, I feel a little bit at peace, but not by much. But I don't feel extremely stressed out either. I am little peeved at the moment, but I am sure that will go away, too. The truth is, I have hardly left my room at all today and I haven't really eaten in a couple of days. I am enjoying the cool breeze that is coming through my window, even though my feet are cold, and I want to go rake up a bunch of leaves and jump in them. Or something. Take a shower. Eat something hot. Go somewhere. But I am resting for the first time in months. Boredom is beginning to settle in now.

I found out about a week ago that my husband's parents found my blog online and have been reading it since June. So when they came to visit at the end of June, they already knew about Bryan and eveything else, yet they didn't say anything while they were here. I am so embarassed I want to die, but at the same time, even though I didn't expect them to actually find it, I knew there was a chance that they would. They talked to Shawn and everything, he didn't really get into great detail about their conversation. But now they know more than I would ever tell them.

Last night I did talk to Bryan. It was my idea to take some days off away from each other so that I can focus on me, which is what I am trying hard to do right now. Obviously, I have some issues to focus on. I miss him terribly, but at the same time, I know this is the right thing to do. I talked him out of totally giving up on our relationship, but he did make it clear that he wanted to be able to see other people if he wanted to. When I didn't respond to that, he made the statement that he knew I didn't like it. I said I didn't like it, but I DID understand it. He knows he's not going to find someone to love him more or treat him better, but he COULD find someone he won't fight with as much. So now I have to really practice patience. I know I bitch about him a lot in this thing, but he's come a very long way in a short time...there's no reason why I can't put forth the same effort.

What would make him (AND EVERYONE ELSE) happy is if we could just have a stress free family type relationship. I have kept Alexa distanced from us because of the fighting and other things that were going on this summer. It didn't do me any good, because she started acting up in school and other things. So, like I said, I am taking this time to focus on her and me. She must have really missed me being in the house because she's been in my room with me most of the day. We've been painting and working on homework. This is part of the reason I feel peaceful right now, like I'm finally doing the right thing. Someone I love very much pointed out to me that he's been my main focal point lately, and she's right. I knew it before she said it. He's even said it to me. But I so badly didn't want to lose him that I failed to realize I was losing myself in the process. So, like I said, we're going to try and hang out later this week, but no sooner than Thursday at least. We've chatted a little bit online here and there. Too much contact would surely spoil it. Besides, I don't want to take him for granted.

Tomorrow I have to go up to the school and pick up Alexa's homework, take the dog to the vet to be fixed, and pick up my books for school. I have some cleaning to do around the house still, too, so I am hoping that having to get up early in the morning will keep me motivated all day. Tonight I have to haul a bunch of junk out of here and take the trash out, and I have a ton of dishes sitting in the sink. (Boy do I miss that dishwasher.) I also need to go grocery shopping...I have absolutely nothing to eat. Yesterday, I had a handful of Pringles and today I had a handful of Chex Mix. Alexa made me lunch but I didn't feel like eating. Hopefully by tonight that will change.

So I am sitting here, being optimistic. It is nice to be able to write again. I have had no outlet for months. So I will probably write a lot, at least until I get busy next week with school. I can hardly wait. I am cautious about my relationship, also, and trying not to set my standards too high. I keep forgetting that I cannot pressure him like I could a guy my age. He's just too young. So I have to let him do what he wants to do, but one thing I know for sure is that he does care about me. He rarely says he loves me, but he does. If he didn't, he would have dropped the ball on me yesterday.

I need a life!!!

Bryan and Willie

This is a picture I took a little over a week ago of Bryan and my kitty, Willie. Willie is very loving and seems to have found love in Bryan, for some reason. Will someone please tell Bryan that he does NOT have an UGLY face? 

You Know You Grew Up In The Eighties...

I found this cool little thing on MySpace today about how you can tell if you grew up in the eighties. Most of them were familiar to me. LOL! So I thought I would post pictures of what I looked like back then, just to clown on myself.


You Know You Grew Up In The 80's If...
1. You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE".
2. You watched the Pound Puppies.
3. You can sing the rap to the "Fresh Prince of Belair " ...and can do the "Carlton".
4. Girls wore biker shorts under their skirts and felt stylishly sexy.
5. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start a club of your own.
6. You owned those lil' Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.
7. You know that "WOAH " comes from Joey on Blossom.
8. Two words: Hammer Pants.
9. If you ever watched "Fraggle Rock ".
10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars... and "spokey-dokes" or playing cards on your spokes for that incredible sound effect.
11. You can sing the entire theme song to "Duck Tales". (Woo ooh!)
12. When it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.
14. You saw the original "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles " on the big screen... and still know the turtles names.
15. You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.
16. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side. 17. You played the game "MASH ". (Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House)
18. You wore stonewashed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it.
19. L.A. Gear... need I say more.
20. You wanted to change your name to "JEM " in Kindergarten. (She's truly outrageous)
21. You remember reading "Tales of a fourth grade nothing " and all the Ramona books.
22. You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF".
23. You wanted to be a Goonie.
24. You ever wore fluorescent clothing. (some of us... head-to-toe)
25. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted.
26. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.
27. You took lunch boxes to school... and traded Garbage Pail Kids in the schoolyard.
28. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.
29. You still get the urge to say "NOT " after every sentence.
30. You remember Hypercolor t-shirts.
31. Barbie and the Rockers was your favorite band.
32. You thought She-ra (Princess of Power!) and He-Man should hookup.
33. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged handmade friendship bracelets.
34. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes. (and like ..24, probably in neon colors, too)
35. After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying "I know you are, but what am I?" 36. You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up"
37. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.
38. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.
39. You have ever played with a Skip-It.
40. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds.
41. You've gone through this nodding your head in agreement.
42. You remember Popples.
43. "Don't worry, be happy"
44. You wore like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top Reeboks.
45. You wore socks scrunched down (and sometimes still do...getting yelled at by "younger hip" members of the family)
46. "Miss MARY MACK MACK MACK, all dressed in BLACK BLACK BLACK "
47. You remember boom boxes. and walking around with one on your shoulder like you were all that.
48. You remember watching both "Gremlins" movies.
49. You know what it meant to say "Care Bear Stare!"
50. You remember watching "Rainbow Bright" and "My Little Pony Tales "
51. You thought Doogie Howser/Samantha Micelli was hot.
52. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.
53. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool... and don't even flinch when people refer to them as "NKOTB".
54. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By the Bell ", the ORIGINAL class.
55. You know all the words to Bon Jovi - SHOT THROUGH THE HEART.
56. You just sang those words to yourself.
57.You remember watching Magic vs. Bird.
58. Homemade Levi shorts. (the shorter the better)
59. You remember when mullets were cool!
60. You had a mullet!
61. You still sing "We are the World"
62. You tight rolled your jeans.
63. You owned a bannana clip.
64. You remember "Where's the Beef?"
65. You used to (and probably still do) say "What you talkin' about Willis?"
66. You had big hair and you knew how to use it.
67. You're still singing shot through the heart in your head,aren't you! 

I feel sick today. I woke up having a panic attack. Not surprising, considering the circumstances I am living under.

Bryan and I have been fighting almost nonstop for almost two weeks. I have cried almost every day. People who know me well have been making comments like, "You're never happy anymore." I feel trapped in a cage, can't get out. The other night, the straw broke the camel's back when we got into the third fight of the night (the night Kristy and Mike got married) while we were out with some friends. He ended up getting out of my car and I chased him around for a while until I couldn't find him anymore. I had been drinking for the first time in six weeks...all I was trying to do was relieve some stress and have a good time. He was NOT drunk at all. So here I am, driving while intoxicated, running around in circles, sobbing and crying and calling him over and over again. It was almost five in the morning when I finally went home and passed out.

I woke up feeling like my heart was breaking yesterday. I text messaged him a couple of times, but for the most part, left him alone. In my sober mind, I knew this was the best thing to do. I walked around trying to pretend that my heart wasn't hurting, that part of me wasn't missing. This went on all day. At 11:30 PM I called him and left a message, telling him that I understand why he wasn't talking to me and that I missed him more than anything.

This morning, when I woke up, I felt like someone had stabbed me right through my heart. I have NEVER felt like this with ANYONE. I've always been dramatic and bold when it comes to matters of the heart, but today I literally feel like I am dying inside. This is new to me.

I woke up in the middle of a dream that had Bryan in it, and I'll be damned if I can remember what it was. I got up and went into the kitchen and tried not to cry. Mike and Kristy were already up and packing their stuff and I sat at the kitchen table and smoked cigarette after cigarette. We made small talk and then my phone rang...it was Bryan. I went into the bedroom to talk to him and he was very gentle and nice to me. We talked a little bit about our relationship and what happened the other night, and then he dropped a bomb on me by saying he still wants me in his life, but only on a friendship level.

I felt the panic set in but I kept my voice calm and suggested we meet later to talk to each other face to face. I cannot STAND having serious conversations over the phone, for one thing, and for another, his sisters and mom were sitting right there and they know WAY too much of my business. He agreed to meet with me, but said that he didn't want to go anywhere. He just wanted to park in the driveway, which is actually okay with me because I'll make sure that by the time I get there, everyone else in the house will be in bed. (If that driveway could talk about things its heard and seen me and Bryan do in it....we have had a lot of serious conversations in the driveway.) I told him I wouldn't get there until later tonight, because I have a lot to do today, and he said that would be fine. He then said, "You can come over here and we can talk, but I'm telling you right now that I am not changing my mind. It's made up." That pierced my heart too, but at least he's willing to listen to what I have to say.

We've been through this once before and got through it. I don't know about now. I am trying not to think about it too much, because I have so much to do right now, but I can't help but worry. I miss him so much right now that I can hardly stand it. I want to see him, be near him, and have everything go back to the way it was about three weeks ago. Some things have happened in our relationship that has caused some resentment and anger on my part, and things have just not been good. Matter of fact, the last time I saw him, right before we got into our third big fight of the day, we had a long discussion and agreed on several things. Number one, we NEVER have any time to ourselves. We never spend hardly a moment alone. Number two, we BOTH put everyone else first before we put ourselves, which puts our relationship in the red danger zone, since relationships need work and nurturing and especially ours, considering the age difference and the circumstances. We never have time to do ANY of this. And number three, we both agreed that it was getting almost too stressful to handle and if it happened again, then we would have to end our relationship...both of us are just too stressed. Funny how three or four hours later, that's exactly what happened.

So I could use some prayer and some advice. I wish I knew what it was about him that makes me love him so much. I am not willing to just let him go. He has the most beautiful, gentle soul of anyone else I know even though he's a hard headed, spoiled little baby brat. His heart is genuine, and we have a lot in common except our communication style. I have had more fun with him than with anyone else; he always makes me laugh and he is loyal almost to a fault. I will probably update this later tonight after I see him, but I have a feeling that I am going to be crying even harder when I come back tonight than I feel like crying right now. I hope not, but its just a feeling.

Let's Try This Again

Last night was horrible. My friends Mike and Kristy are getting married tomorrow, and after four years of what can best be described as a tumultous relationship, they both think that marriage is the key for them. (I don't know if this is the right idea, but it is their decision to make.) So, predictably, Bryan, Dave and Mike decide they're going out to party. One last hurrah, if you will. So I gave Bryan $20 and they all left in Kristy's Cadillac. Bryan assured me he would be home and no, he promised he wouldn't be mean if he was drunk, and yes, they would call if they needed a ride. At about 1 AM, Mike called Kristy and told her he'd be home a little after two. The trusting soul that I am, I decide to lay down and sleep until he gets home. At 2:30 AM, I wake up with a pounding heart and a deep sense of dread I could not explain. I went out into the living room and woke Kristy up and told her what time it was. She immediately called Bryan's phone, since Mike lost his about a week ago, and was sent straight to voice mail. Pissed, we both sat there waiting to see if they would call us back. At 3:15 AM, Mike called and told Kristy that they had just dropped Dave off and that they would be home in about twenty minutes. At ten minutes to four, Kristy called Dave, who was obviously lying when he said that they had dropped him off "fifteen minutes ago."

So now we're pissed. I am actually sitting there thinking that Bryan is probably in the middle of something that he doesn't want to be in. I know how much he loves Kristy, but Mike is his "boy." Mike has a history of cheating, and being very sneaky about it, so I am sitting there wondering what is going on. Bryan is avoiding me, and for no reason. So being the hothead that I am, I decide to drive past his house and see if he was home. He wasn't.

Kristy asked me to drive past the house that she owns. Her and Mike fled that house in terror over a month ago due to a very volatile situation. It is not safe there. She left everything she owned in that house and will not go back there without a police escort. Anyway, she asks me to drive by and I shrug and say, "Why not?" It's a quarter after five in the morning, and no one seems to be around. Imagine my shock and surprise when, as I drive by, not only do I see the Cadillac in the driveway but I also see a FAT BITCH with braids come walking out. I yelled, "Who the fuck is THAT bitch?" while Kristy begged me to turn around and go back to her driveway. I flipped my lights off two houses away and pulled into the driveway, pulling my hair back with a hair tie because it looked like there was a good chance I was going to have to kick the shit out of someone. I let Kristy go in first, and when she came back out a minute later, she was crying and red faced and told me that there was no one in there but Bryan and Mike. Feeling a little sheepish and ashamed of myself for hunting him down, I stepped quietly in the house and the first sight that greeted me was liquor and beer bottles everywhere, stuff spilled all over the floor, and Bryan nodding off on the couch. It was obvious that he was beyond intoxicated, so I left him alone. He snapped his head up once to look at me and the look on his face was that of pure shame and guilt. I think he was also quite surprised. I walked over to him and spoke to him in low tones: "Baby, do you want me to take you home?" He shrugged and wouldn't look at me. Kristy and Mike were arguing and Mike was drunk out of his mind, telling Kristy SHE fucked up for good this time, and to get out of his face, bitch, etc. I sat down at the kitchen table and stared at Bryan, who looked pitifully out of it. I decided to light a cigarette and when I picked the lighter up off the table that's when I noticed a condom wrapper just sitting there, open. I stuck my hand in it to see if it was wet, and it was. And it was the same exact kind of condoms that we use. We HAVE to use a certain kind. And here it was, just chilling on the kitchen table. I picked it up and showed it to Kristy and said, "What the fuck is this?" Bryan's head snapped up, and then back down. She said, "I found that upstairs the other day and I brought it down here to let Mike know that I know that SOMEONE was fucking over here." I said, "But these are the condoms me and Bryan use." I was so fucking shocked you could have pushed me over with a feather. But then it gets worse.

I sat there and looked at the condom wrapper for a minute, and then I decided I was leaving, with or without Bryan. I couldn't think of anything to say, I was so completely frozen. I picked up my purse and keys and walked out the door. Bryan was right behind me and got in my front seat with me. I said nothing as I drove him back to his house, which is less than a ten minute drive. He didn't say anything either, just sat there with his eyes closed. I pulled up in the driveway and stared straight ahead. I didn't trust myself to speak, because I didn't want to jump the gun and accuse him of something he didn't do, but my mind was churning with all kinds of thoughts of him being with someone else. He finally looked at me and said something, I can't remember what, but it wasn't in a nice tone of voice. I quietly told him I didn't want to argue with him. I explained that I needed some time to think about what just happened. I reminded him that he had promised me that there would be no bullshit, just a few guys having a good time. He began yelling, asking me if I was going to "start my shit again." I quietly said, "No, I'm not starting anything. I just want to go home. Please get out of my car." He refused for a minute and when I didn't argue with him like he wanted me to, he reached into his pocket and pulled out two more condoms of the same kind that were at the house and said, "Dave gave me these," and tossed them in my direction. I laughed and asked why, and he got mad and said, "Because I wanted to surprise you. Be all spontaneous and shit." I replied, "Well, it was a big surprise, that's for sure." This made him even madder, for some reason. Am I really to believe that his best friend, who happens to be married and has been married for five years AND does not cheat on his wife, would give Bryan the same EXACT kind of condoms we use? Please. I am NOT retarded.

Finally, he opened the door and stood there staring at me. He looked pretty mean so I wouldn't look back at him, and finally he slammed the door and walked up to the porch. I drove to my apartment immediately, where I called Kristy and told her about the condom incident. She said that three of the twelve condoms that were in her drawer at home were missing, also. What the fuck were they doing???

When Kristy and Mike got back to the apartment, I refused to speak to Mike for a few minutes, I was so angry. When I finally did talk to him, he assured me that Bryan didn't do anything, that he was totally innocent, blah blah blah. I then turned to Mike and said, "Did you guys do any coke?" He looked at me, hesitated for a moment, and said, "Yes. Yes we did." It was then that I started to cry.

I don't know where I stand now. I know I have been clean and sober for a long time. I also know that Bryan is a little bit retarded and falls under peer pressure easily, but that is no excuse for a grown man. I could use some advice, because my relationship with him is so complex that I could never have the time to dissect it here. I love him, but not enough to sacrifice myself.

So. I will try again to post this video, which is really stupid.

http://www.vidiLife.com/video_play_828772_Silly_Bryan.htm?tc=227615

Five Weeks and Counting (Plus Other Random Happenings)

This sunset captured our eye about two weeks ago. I wish I had a better camera to capture the coloring and the details of the clouds better, but this will have to do.
This is an awesome face painting that Alexa got at the Renaissance festival about a week ago.
Yes, she's twelve. Not thirteen, not fourteen, not sixteen, but TWELVE. What am I supposed to do? Help. Help. Help.


Well, I've been sober for five weeks now and have dealt with more stress in these five weeks than I did ALL SUMMER LONG and still have managed to stay sober. I must say that I absolutely cannot wait for school to start so I have something to exercise my mind. Right now I feel quite stagnant.

I miss Feather and I still feel bad about what happened to him. It's too quiet around here, but thank God I don't have to be around all the time. However, this week or next week I will be moving back into my house and Shawn will be taking my apartment. I am just TOO LOUD for apartment living and I don't like having certainpeoplewhowillremainunnamed breathing down my back. (You know who you are, and I am on to you.) I cannot wait for the freedom to do as I please.

A couple of days ago, I heard from someone I haven't heard from in YEARS: the father of my twins. He found the letter that I wrote to him back in February just this past weekend and snuck away from his house and wife to call me. (His wife is a psycho, long story.) We talked on the phone for about an hour, and made plans to meet up soon so I can share more pictures and stories with him. He seems to be doing well, minus the wife, and sounded intelligent and focused. So refreshing. Ahem.

I will be doing bigger and better updates as soon as I move back into this house, which will be soon, hopefully. I need to get off my ass and start cleaning both places; they're both cluttered. With my shit. LOL. I also need to find a washer that works, because my DEAR husband has a nasty habit of overloading the washer and even though I told him a MILLION times over the years NOT TO, he still did and finally broke a washer. It can't be a simple fix, either. It has to be something complicated that I am not financially prepared to deal with right now. Oh well, such is life, I guess. 

An Old Post About Feather.........

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

The Craziest Member of the Family

This is Feather, AKA Feather the Bird, AKA Mr. Chicken. He has been in our family for over twenty years. My dad got him when he was just a baby. He is, literally, insane.

My dad gave us Feather the Bird, because he has another parrot, a female, and Feather is a male. I love Feather, and I think the feeling is mutual most of the time, but sometimes he reacts to me in very strange ways.

This picture was taken a couple of months ago. I was in the office, as usual, doing something and Shawn was in there with me. Suddenly, Feather the Bird took flight off of his cage. Feather doesn't know how to fly. He has never really flown before. In doing so, he got himself caught up in our dining room light. I knew he was scared, but I had to snap this picture. After I did, Shawn got him down and as we both talked to him and attempted to soothe his ruffled feathers, I snapped the picture of him with Shawn. He seemed fine as he chattered away and we put him back in his cage.

Ever since then, any time I approach his cage, no matter what he's doing, he attacks his toy bell that's hanging from the roof of it. In the morning,when I get up and open the shades, he sees me coming and attacks his bell. As soon as I walk away, he stops. If I attempt to take him out of his cage, he backs away from me with his beak open, pretending that he's going to lunge at me any moment, which he has never done. But if he sees me getting into the cupboard to get him a treat, he excitedly walks around the top of his cage mumbling to himself. If all of us are in the living room and then we suddenly disappear, Feather starts chattering away nonstop: "Hello? How are ya? Whatcha doin? hee hee hee. Hi Feather. Hi birdie. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hee hee hee. Whatcha doin?" until you just have to go back out in the living room and give him attention. He seems to prefer men to women, as my father's other parrot prefers women to men and loves me so much she gives me kisses. Feather wouldn't dream of such a thing. When he's locked up in his cage and I walk by, he snaps at the bars like he's being a bad ass, yet, if I open up his cage and talk to him, he will extend his foot out far enough for me to rub his paw. I don't get him. Also today, I was sitting in my room, recuperating from this god awful sickness I have and trying to sleep. All of a sudden, I heard the frantic sound of feathers and Feather's unmistakable nervous laughter. I went flying into the living room only to find Feather content in his cage, feathers drifting down to the floor, and both cats laying on the couch, looking at him like, What the fuck is your problem, dude? He appeared to be all right, and I was relieved. It does get to be a pain in the ass, rescuing him from picture frames, cupboard tops, and dark hallways whenever he gets the urge to fly. But I love him. He is a Yellow nape Amazon parrot, and very temperamental. We threaten to "cook the birdie" all the time but that would never happen. Feather is a good bird, has endured a lot, and he will stay with me until one of us dies. He is a member of the family.

Update

I haven't written for so long because I have been going though some major stress. Sometimes I wonder if it is ever going to end. I'm going to make it short, otherwise some hater will surely accuse me of whining. (Fuck you, is what I have to say.)

First of all, me and Bryan fought for almost a whole week. One night, he decided he wanted to go out with his friends to the bar and not tell me, so he waited until I went in the bathroom and then bolted out the door. That led to a fight that lasted for almost two days, and just when things had calmed down, we made plans to go out which didn't work out because we started bickering at the grocery store and by the time we got home HE decided he didn't want me to go out with him so we fought again. I was suspicious of this happening twice in one week and did what any sane, rational, normal girl would do.....I punched him in the face. A few times. This led to us not seeing each other for a couple of days and I had nothing but time to sit there and feel bad about it. Just in the last two days we seem to be getting back to good, which is a big relief for everyone.

Yesterday, though, we came out to Fenton to see Alexa's first basketball practice. I came into the bedroom to activate Alexa's new cell phone and Bryan stayed in the living room, playing with Alexa's dog, Riley. Once I finished activating her phone, I came out into the living room and played with Riley for a while too. At one point, I stood up and Feather, our parrot, decided to jump on my shoulder. He doesn't do this to me often, since he prefers Shawn and my dad to me any day. But every once in a while, he'll let me give him some attention.

So anyway, this crazy ass bird decides to jump on my shoulder, which was fine, except he lost his grip on my shirt and slipped. When he slipped, he instinctively grabbed my arm with his beak and sunk it right down into the fleshy part of my upper arm. Screaming in pain, I backed up against the cage which is usually his cue to get back into it, but he was panicking also and flapping his wings and not paying attention to his cage. I was screaming at Bryan to "get the bird!" but he didn't know what to do, since he has never handled birds before. Riley began jumping up and down at my feet, scaring Feather even more. He lost his balance and fell to the floor, at which point that stupid fucking dog attacked him. Bryan grabbed the bird, I grabbed the dog and hurled him across the house, but it was too late. Hysterical, I ordered Bryan to go get my dad and then ran into my bedroom where I wouldn't have to look at Feather. Bryan had picked Riley up and threw him into Alexa's bedroom before he left, so I didn't have to worry. I called my Dad even though I knew Bryan was on his way over there---I was hysterical and didn't know what to do. My dad came running over and came into the bedroom trying to talk to me, but I kept screaming at him to go get Feather, my arm is okay, just see about Feather, I am so sorry, it's all my fault, etc. I saw my dad pick Feather up off the floor and cradle him like a baby. He was crying, and I knew that my bird was gone. Feather, who has been part of our lives for over twenty years. Feather, who chose the wrong day to finally get some attention from me.

I hate that fucking dog.

So now I am trying to come to terms with losing the best animal I ever had. I haven't even spoke to my father yet because I know he's just heartbroken. I feel responsible somehow. I miss Feather's incessant clucking. But at least I know that he knows he had a happy life. He was very loved.

And as for that dog, I may never forgive him. I know animals are animals, blah blah blah. But still...