I Love My Cousins

This is Angie's new husband...yeah...the one with the ball and chain. I thought this was a great idea, very original, and friggin hilarious because he actually walked AROUND with it on, and he did it with PRIDE. LOL!!
This is Angie and her dad, my Uncle John. I was trying to capture them slapping each other, but I couldn't because it happened so fast. Uncle John was wearing my Aunt Marge's hat, which was also quite funny.
Aunt Marge and Uncle John standing by the cake. I took this picture when Dan and Angie were nailing each other in the faces with it, so I didn't quite get the best shot of it, although they got each other pretty good. I love my Aunt Marge....I think she has a beautiful soul and I wish I could spend more time with her. (They have been married for fifty-eight years.)
Angie and her husband. Like I said, they got each other pretty good.
Andyro being silly. (I have so many pictures of you, Andy, that have this caption on them.)
This is Angie's beautiful baby boy, who was so busy being passed around that I felt bad asking for a chance to hold him. I got to pinch his little cheeks and his chubby little legs, and I took this picture while he was in his stroller. Everyone was fussing over him and he was just a talkin away. I'm glad I captured this look on his face because it is priceless. Doesn't he look like he's saying, "Enough of the fuss already! Can you people put me down for five minutes so I can at least take a poop in peace????"


Okay..so anyway, ladies, like I said in response to your comments, I didn't have enough time to finish my entry yesterday. It was late, I was hungry and tired, and Bryan was rushing me even though he says he wasn't. No, Andy, Bryan says to tell you he's never going to get over your smashed boobies against the window, because he seriously didn't know what to do. (Translation: He was afraid he might get yelled at. Which I would never yell at him for looking at your boobies, because you might punch me, and that shit hurts.)

I just want everyone to know what a great time we had and how much fun it was being there. We need to make a time sometime soon for us to hang out and see each other before the frantic pace of the school year hits us like a runaway train.

I love you all!

This weekend, I went to my cousin Angie's wedding reception and got to see a lot of my family that I haven't seen in a while. Everyone looked wonderful and I had a GREAT time. I would have stayed longer except that my better half wanted to go play friggin poker. I should have said no, because I heard there was going to be karaoke later. YAY!!I don't have time to make this a big update because Alexa just got a dog (thanks, Grandpa) and I have a carful of groceries out in the car. I want to post these pictures though.

Alexa and a newfound friend...Patches.

This is Sprocket, giving Bryan kisses.

More kisses for Bryan.
Me and Bryan. Don't we look tired? 

Anonymous Posters, etc.

Here's the deal...

I don't mind when people post anonymously..because you can. However, if you're going to make a snotty and/or smart ass comment, please at least have the balls to identify yourself. I do have to agree with my anonymous hater though...yes, thank God there are NO pictures of me in a bathing suit. WHY would I post pictures of myself in a bathing suit? That was just a stupid comment made completely out of context. Seems to me someone is just trying to be mean in a pussy ass way. If you're going to bash me, that's perfectly fine. But at least have the BALLS to identify yourself.

Moving on....

Things are going well. I am nineteen days sober, and I feel great, although sometimes when the stress becomes too much to handle it can be a struggle staying that way. So far, I have not fallen off the wagon. I am paying my bills and staying straight and spending more time with my family. That's why this song is on my website now.

Bryan and I are still strong, stronger than ever, even though he likes to aggravate me sometimes. And when I get pissed off and say, "I am too old for this shit," he agrees by saying, "Yeah, you're right. You are too old; you're THIRTY." And then I yell, "I am NOT thirty yet, I am STILL TWENTY NINE." He will reply, "Ahh, you're thirty." It's times like those when I want to strangle him. But then I think of all the nice things he does for me. For example, yesterday, when I was on my way out here, Alexa called me in a panic and said that she reached into her bunny cage to play with her bunny Sam, and that Sam was dead. She was crying and hysterical and I rushed out here to her. When I got here, Bryan went and borrowed a garden shovel from a neighbor, got a shoebox and a towel, and dug Sam a nice little grave out in the backyard complete with flowers and "last words." He didn't mind that he was wearing his nice clothes, or that he was sweating rivers, or that it was starting to rain. He just did it.

Or the night that I listened to this song that is playing on my website now. I listened to it in its entirety and abruptly got up from the kitchen table, went into my room, closed the door, and bawled into my pillow. I didn't realize how much it was going to affect me, or how much catching up I have to do on all the emotions I have stifled for the past four months. Bryan left me alone for about five minutes, and then came into the bedroom, sat with me on the bed, and, instead of trying to talk to me, just held my hand and rubbed my back instead. He later said he wasn't quite sure what I was so upset about, but he knew it had to do with the drug abuse and my family. He also knew him being near me and offering me physical comfort was enough. Later that night, when I fell into bed exhausted, he was right there with his arms around me and I felt safe and loved.

Ever since the night that a bunch of crazy (scary) shit went down at Kristy and Mike's house, we have been so much closer. Now I know for sure he loves me. I am no longer as insecure as I used to be, although I am a *touch* jealous. Shit, who am I kidding? I am jealous as hell. I am not used to being jealous; I am not normally the jealous type. This is a whole new experience for me. I am so sick of "bitches" staring at him. He looks good now...his adolescent acne is gone, he wears nice clothes and shoes, he's funny, and has a brilliant, winning smile that I just LOVE. There is no way to ignore that infectious smile. And when he goes around flashing it at everyone, I feel like jumping in front of him and saying, "Don't look or I will beat your ass." I don't want to become one of those women that scroll through his call list on his phone, or who don't even trust him to leave the house for five minutes, because that would make for a miserable existence. He has never given me any reason NOT to trust him. He goes where he says he's going, and he always comes back when he says he's going to. So all in all, even though I have to deal with some adolescent bullshit sometimes, I do feel pretty lucky. Plus, we both hate onions, love the color blue, and can debate on ANY subject. THAT'S love. 

For Andyro....

Hey Andy...

Bryan never forgot that you said you wanted to see some booty, so here his is. He bent right over for you. LOL. We took this picture today, so it is a fresh booty pic. Hope you like it. (I wouldn't let him pull his pants all the way down.)

I changed my music again. I plan on writing a big update this week, but I'm not sure when, so everyone just bear with me for now. If anyone wants to buy me a new laptop so I can publish from my apartment, I would love you forever. HA! 

For Angie.....

Hey Angie....I changed my music. Do you like this music? I thought you might like this song better than the other one. This one is relevant, too.

So, anyway..time for a little truth now. I have been completely sober for NINE DAYS. That is NINE DAYS of the following:

Waking up before 5 PM.

Eating real food.

Not grinding my jaw so hard that I wake up the next day with an aching mouth.

Not feeling as if I'm going to puke.

Not being mean.

Not beating the shit out of Bryan for no reason.

Not waking up, lifting my head up, and seeing holes in the walls, blood on the sheets, and doors laying flat down on the floor. (Yes, this has really happened.)

Not waking up with a ringing headache.

Not avoiding my friends and family because I feel like a big old piece of shit.

Getting things done that are supposed to be done, such as signing up for classes and paying bills.

Having WAY more money.

Not waking up with unexplained bruises.

Not having sore sinuses that are constantly clogged and sometimes bleed.

Not having eyes than run constantly because my sinuses hurt so bad.

Not having a filthy house that is always empty.

Not having sex that I cannot even remember the next day.


The last time I partied was the first night we were on the beach in Pensacola. I drank so much that when me and Ricky and Bryan went down to the beach, I fell face first in the sand, and, unable to move, could only mutter, "Help. Help. Help." Once they helped me off the ground, I jumped into the pool with all my clothes on. When I woke up the next morning, I wasn't hung over, but I decided I had had enough of the bullshit. So far, it's been wonderful. I really feel much better. I don't care if I ever see that white shit again, nor do I care if I ever touch liquor again. It makes me mean. I don't like being mean.

I am not familiar with the Sondra I was this summer. I don't like that person. I am happy now. I feel back to my old self, and this time, it's permanent.

I love you all.

More Florida Pics

Here is part two of our Florida pictures. FINALLY Blogger is working again. Hope you like! Someday I will write an update and let everyone know what's going on, because all of it is wonderful!!! Enjoy.

Bryan on Pensacola Beach. He bought a small picture frame souvenir and put this picture in it for his mom. She loved it.
View from outside the plane.
Bryan and Bella's Boppy.
Bryan and Bella's Boppy...again.
Me and Bryan at the bar, back home in Fenton. He looks like he fell asleep on me, and no I am not drinking in this picture.
The "I've been awake for fourty eight hours straight" face.
Another great view from the plane.
Bryan in first class, drinking beer, before take off.
The Pensacola Beach ball.
The water on the beach. Could it honestly be anything else?
A beautiful view of the beach. Bryan took this picture with the digital camera and then I added "The View" to it because it's beautiful. LOOK at that water!

Florida Pics

Bella in her car seat. laughing her ass off at me at the restaurant.
Me and Bella at Serra's house, the day we left.
Bryan and Bella in the hotel room.
Me and Bella in the hotel room.
Bella and her mommy...in the hotel room. She was grabbing for the camera.


We had a wonderful time in Florida. Matter of fact, being in Florida made things so much clearer. I really do feel the fog lifting and the clouds dissapating. Bryan and I are ten times stronger than before...and STONE COLD SOBER.

I don't have much time for writing so I thought I would go ahead and post some pictures here. Isabella is so beautiful and SO BIG! Serra (Ashley) has done a wonderful job with her. She was full of smiles and laughter the whole time we were there. What a joyous baby. I feel so much better. I miss her so much, and I can't wait until I see Ricky and Serra again. It was so refreshing to be in a different environment..it really turned my head around. I feel my old self returning...FOR REAL. I went to school today and added a class to my schedule, and in a while here I am going back when the bookstore opens to get my books for the semester. I am raring to go. I am ready, ready, ready to exercise my brain. This whole summer has been so crazy, I can't even describe it.

Well, Blogger is being really slow today in loading my pics up, so I am going to have to finish this later because its almost time to go get my books for my classes. I am HAPPY.

Picture Stories

My favorite picture taken of us, EVER. Last night at Kristy's birthday party.

From left to right in the front: Phil, Bryan, and Dave, Bryan's best friend.
Friends of Kristy's and her sister is in the red. I am in the middle. Duh.
Bryan and Dave.


Last night was a crazy ass night. I won't get into it on here. But tomorrow is going to be a great day! Me and Bryan are flying to Florida and we should be there by 9:30 in the morning. We'll be back on Wednesday night. I am so excited! This is going to be fun. He's never flown before and he's never been to Florida either. I...cannot...wait.

P.S. I feel it necessary to add that I was absolutely SOBER last night and I AM SO GLAD I WAS. SO VERY GLAD.

This Sums Up My Life

Here is a song by Eminem that accurately describes my feelings about Bryan and the nature of our relationship. I don't write about some things that happen. So here you go...here are the lyrics.

I tell myself that I was doin' all right
There's nothin' left to do tonight
But go crazy on you
Crazy on you
Let me go crazy, crazy on you

Can't you see what you do to me baby,
You make me crazy, you make me act like a maniac
I'm like a lunatic, you make me sick
You're truly the only one who can do this to me
You just make me get so crazy
I go schizo, I get so insane I just go schizophrenic
One minute I wanna slit your throat the next I want sex
You make me crazy
The way we act like two maniacs in the sack
We fuck like two jack rabbits and maybe that's a bad habit
Cause the next day we're right back at it
In the same exact pattern
What the fuck is the matter with us
We can't figure out if it's lust
Or if it's love which that is attractin us to eachother
They say that every man grows up to marry his own mother
Which would explain why you're such a motherfuckin bitch
But I stay and still stick it out with you
Even though I just hit you today but you deserved it
You hit me first and provoked me to choke you
Just cause I came home late last night
Crawled in bed and I woke you
But if there's one thing about you that I admire
It's baby, because you stay with me
Maybe cause you're as crazy as I am
Cause when I look at you
I can see an angel in your eyes but if I look deeper inside
I see a freakish little side, like a devil in disguise
You're always full of surprises
Always pullin devices out your personal vibrators and dildos
You've fucked yourself so much you barely feel those anymore
You're only 24 but you're plenty more mature
Then those other little ho's who just act like little girls
Like they're in middle school still you're crazy, sexy, cool
Chillin' you play your position you never step out of line
Even though I stay in your buisness
You've always kept out of mine
I wonder what's on your mind
Sometimes they say love is blind
Maybe that's why the first time I dotted your eye
You ain't see the sign
Or maybe you like bein beat, maybe you like bein shoved
baby cause we're crazy in love....

I go crazy on you
Crazy on you
Let me go crazy, crazy on you

You are the ink to my paper
What my pen is to my my pad
The moral, the very fiber
The whole substance to my rap
You are my reason for being
The meaning of my existence
If it wasn't for you I would never be able to spit this
As intense as I do, and the irony
Is you rely on me as much
As I rely on you to inspire me like you do
You provide me the lighter fluid to fuel in my fire
You're my entire supply of gas, the match and igniter
The only way that I'm able to stay so stable
Is you're the legs to my table,
If you were to break I'd fall on my face
But I'm always gonna make you feel
I don't need you as much as I really need you
So you don't use it to your advantage
But you're essential to me
You're the air I breathe
I believe if you ever leave me
I'd probably have no reason to be
You are the Kim to my Marshall
You're the Slim to my Shady
The Dre to my Eminem
The Alaina to my Hailie
You are the word that I'm lookin for
When I'm tryin to describe how I feel inside
And the right one just won't come to my mind
You're like the pillow that props me up
The beam that supports me
The bitch who never took half
The wife who never divorced me
You're like the root to my evil
You let my devil come out me
You let me beat the shit out you before you beat the shit out me
And no matter how much too much is never enough
Baby cause we're crazy in love...

I go crazy on you
Crazy on you
Let me go crazy, crazy on you

To Be A Bit More Clear

I laughed when I read the entry I posted last night. It was quite witty, or so I thought. LOL. All of it true, of course.

I don't know if the emotional distance I feel from Bryan right now is a result of too much togetherness at the beginning or what. I have to wonder. We are still close, but we don't spend as much time together. This is not due to what I want; this is due to what HE wants. All of a sudden, it seems, he does not want me to take him to work or pick him up anymore. He spends maybe two to three nights a week with me instead of most of the time, like he did before. The other night, he went out with his best friend and his brother's girlfriend without even telling me, let alone inviting me. He actually shut his phone OFF so I could not reach him, which caused quite a big fight a few hours later when he decided to check his messages while DRUNK, because I cussed his ass out pretty good...I think I called him a "stupid motherfucker." He immediately called me with some story about how his phone battery died, which I don't buy for one second, even though his sister came out and yelled at him to be quiet and threatened to take her charger away from him. Anyway, I ended up picking him up and taking him to my house, where we talked for a little bit until he sobered up and then I took him home, another unusual occurence.

Little things are what I'm noticing, and they hurt. Like, he won't add me to his MySpace. I know why...his friends list is FULL of young girls his age. I don't think he wants them to know that he has me or something, I don't know. Also, he doesn't want to spend as much time alone with me as he used to. He is still as affectionate and everything, but sometimes, when we argue, he has a hard time looking at me. The other day we got into such a big fight because I told him I was "done." This is the term I use when I am trying like hell to end it. Well, he told me that I have said it one too many times, and now he is making the decision for me. Since it frustrates me to have feelings for him, then maybe we had better be "just friends." I panicked and tried to explain that that's not what I meant, but he did not want to hear any of it. The very next day, he invites himself to spend the night at my house. I didn't mind, and nothing happened except cuddling which was all I wanted anyway, but what the fuck?

Kristy says I should just go with his flow. He's a guy and scared of his feelings, especially being as young as he is and the fact that he's never been in a relationship before. She said just go with his flow; follow his lead. This is what I have been doing for the last three or four days. Granted, it is less stressful. The night that he spent the night with me was rough; I could not sleep. When we got up in the morning, he said I was thrashing, not just restless. I felt very anxious for no reason and felt like there was concrete sitting in my stomach. Hence all the pot smoking. It's the only thing that helps.

Tonight the plan was for us to spend the night alone, but Kristy's birthday is tomorrow and her and Mike want Bryan and I to come over and ring it in together. I can't say no because Kristy has been an AWESOME friend to me, and Bryan really wants to go. He claims he will spend the entire day with me tomorrow. We shall see. So off I go to get ready, as it is now 5:30 PM and I have done absolutely nothing all day. He just called me and basically demanded that I bring a variety pack of Kool Aid up to his work for reasons he can't explain other than saying, "I just really want some Kool Aid." So I'm off.

***In my quest to remain sober, I am thinking that tonight is going to be a challenge. Let's see how well I do. No promises.***

Upheaval

I haven't written much in a couple of days because I simply have not had the stamina to document eveything here.

First, I must say I feel pleasantly enhanced by this natural herb that I have just inhaled.

(Heehee.)

Everything is literally in upheaval. Right now the pieces of my life are scattered everywhere. I don't know what the hell is going on with me half the time or where my mind is. I am getting so sick and tired of the same old shit. I have had anxiety so bad for the last three days that I have actually resorted to smoking marijuana recently. (Insert horrified gasp.) I just don't know what to do.

I write about Bryan so much in this journal that when I reread it I decide that I am not being fair in my portrayal of him. I'm going to take tonight and actually list the things about him that annoy me. Perhaps it will be some form of catharsis for me, because Lord knows I need one. Here we go:

THINGS THAT ANNOY ME:
He says "fiddina". As in "we're 'fiddina' go to the store right now." Ugh.

He collects all my loose hair in the shower, and then puts it in little attractive bunches all over the shower walls. How nice.

When he wants something really bad, he says, "Please, Mom?" (What kind of sick relationship would that be?)

When we play cards, and I do something stupid, he he sighs really loudly and shakes his head. I hate this. I hate this more than almost anything.

He memorizes certain little catch phrases from rap songs and goes around repeating it all day, about every eighty-four seconds. Imagine hearing, "The boys in the hood are ALWAYS hard," 12,000 times a day.

When we bicker---not when we FIGHT but when we do the Sondra/Bryan style of debate---he will grab the nearest object and abruptly throw it on the floor and then stare me down...like a toddler throwing a tantrum. Oh believe me, you've never seen anything like it.

He will listen to the same song more than three times a day, usually in a matter of just a couple of hours. Imagine hearing Usher's "Yeah" eight times in three hour time span. Yes, people, welcome to my life.

He says "muyafuckee." Or "mayfuckeh." As in "motherfucker." Sigh.

THINGS THAT JUST DOWNRIGHT PISS ME OFF
His lack of tact, no matter how much I try to teach him. For example, yesterday he was complaining about how much he was eating and I told him to stop it. I patted his belly and said, "You don't want THIS to turn into THIS," while patting mine. He took another bite of his burger and said, "Oh hell no, I don't ever wanna be fat."

He changes plans whenever he wants to and however he sees fit. And then when I ask him to make plans with me, he says no, because "plans never work out."

He won't kiss me after receiving "special attention." If you don't know what that means, then I can't help you.

He can go to sleep with me right next to him without inititating nookie :) or even a KISS.


That is a very short list, and doesn't even cover everything. But everyone knows how that goes...the longer you've been with someone, the better you know them AND their shortcomings. Obviously, Bryan and I are going through a rough patch right now---a very rough patch---and I don't know what will happen. I can only hope for the best, whatever that may bring. He is in such a state of arrested development that I do not know if I have the patience to wait for him to mature. He is so relationship retarded, so clueless about what a relationship is, that I wonder if I can sit here and teach him all of this. One thing I do know is that right now, I really don't want to lose him. He has come so far and worked so hard since we've been together...he has made giant leaps forward. Believe it or not, he is good for me in many ways. He does whatever he can for me, and has never let me down, even when we've been very angry with each other. I see the hurt in his face when I do or say something that stings a little. I can hurt him too, and have, in many ways. This whole summer I have had a problem staying sober, and its gotten worse in the last two weeks because of the situation between Bryan and I. I have been sober for five straight days now and my head is once again clearing. I don't know how long it will last, though. Truth be told, I am scared to death of this little motherfucker hurting me, so it makes it easier for me to avoid everything. He even asked me the other day why I was doing this to myself, and I said, "Sometimes false happiness is better than reality."

I can only hope everything will work out. I don't need all this turmoil. I wish I had something different to write about. LOL