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Thursday, June 29, 2006

Ugh Part II

I ihave to scribble this out real quick before I get into the shower. I have a hangover from hell, and I didn't even drink that much last night. My head is pounding. Tonight, we decided we would go to the casino since it's Bryan's day off. So I need to get ready. Both of our heads hurt and we have no medicine and I still have to go to the bank because I have NO CASH.

I wish my "monthly" would just hurry up and start...I've been feeling nuts lately. Emotions all over the place. There has been NO physical chemistry between me and Bryan this week but I think I know why. It's because we are in my house. Which is kind of cool. Makes me think he's more of a man than some men I know. (NOT you Shawn, you nosy fucker.)

I'm off. I just fed Bryan some baby aspirin (yes I did, shut up) and now I have to get ready to go run our errands but first on the list is EXCEDRIN MIGRAINE.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Ugh

I woke up this morning feeling down. Icky. Bad. I'm sure the feeling will go away soon enough but right now I feel pretty down. There IS a reason, but I'm not sharing it here because it is SO ridiculous and I can JUST imagine the comments from my haters.

On another note, last night I went over to a friend's house for a little while. This friend's girlfriend is the SISTER of the girl that is getting cheated on by my cousin Elizabeth. Me and his girlfriend started talking about her sister's boyfriend, and she looked me right in the eye and said, "I know you know something about him and you just don't want to tell me."

DAMN! YOU SAID WHAT?

After a couple more hours of us hanging out together, I DID tell. Dammit. So now I can't wait for the shit to hit the fan. I wouldn't have told except for the nasty, threatening messages Elizabeth has left on my voice mail AND the fact that yesterday she called my sister, not knowing I was over there, and proceeded to talk about me.

I warned that bitch not to fuck with me.

So now we will just sit back and see how it goes. Bryan didn't ask me if I told, but I think he knows. I can't wait to see what happens. Whatever she gets, she deserves. She's a lying, manipulative, backstabbing, low IQ having bitch and I WARNED her not to play with me.

Tonight we are going to the casino. I can't wait. I hope I win some money.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Does This One Need A Title?

This morning, when we were getting ready to leave, Bryan decided he would be cute and wrap his towel around his head like this. I told him he looked like one of those mushroom guys from Super Mario..the ones they call "goombas." But after more careful observation, it was decided that he actually looked like the little guy at the end of all the Mario worlds that jumps up and down next to the bad guy after you kill him. I think they call him "Toad" or something in the Mario 2 game. How could you not think this is the cutest face in the world?

Last night we were watching a movie and it was just getting good when the power just shut off. The whole neighborhood was without power. I freaked out because I really don't like the dark. I only freaked out for about five minutes. Then I promptly fell into a deep sleep, snoring and all. The power came back on about an hour and a half later, just as HE was falling asleep, and when it did, all my smoke alarms in the house just went crazy. He disconnected them...they are hooked into the wiring in the house, not batteries...and fell back asleep. At about 5:30, I was rudely woken by the smoke alarm right outside my bedroom door. I have no idea why the shit was going off...there was no smoke anywhere. I took that one off the wall, too. Now I'm sitting here wondering if maybe my spirits are fucking with me. It wouldn't be the first time.

I also just want to say that I think it's amazing how much people like to fuck with me. My cousin Elizabeth is really trying to fuck with me, but I don't know why. She called my husband and offered him a place to live, behind my back. Saying that what I was doing was wrong. (It is, but my husband knows EVERYTHING. I love my husband...we are just not IN love.) Meanwhile, she's fucking this one guy who has a girlfriend who works in the mornings. Elizabeth goes to his house every morning and spends the whole day with him until she gets home. This girl has no clue, and I'M wrong? Please. She left me a message on my voice mail yesterday telling me I needed to "watch my back" and that "people are watching" me. I cannot imagine who would find me so interesting that they need to "watch" me, but hell, I'm flattered! I just told her to quit putting cocaine up her nose and see what happens. Then she might become a rational person and quit playing games with people. I don't have time for that.

I am going to try and plan myself a little vacation time this weekend. Shit is getting a little hectic. Elizabeth is creating hostile situations and it seems as if everyone is suddenly against the idea of me and Bryan. What they don't understand is that we are FRIENDS FIRST and all the other stuff comes when it comes. Before many feelings were involved, I used to refer to him as my "little fuckin homie." He still is. And people love to hate him, even though I think he is one of the nicest people I have ever met. He has a lot of heart and he's very loyal. But people hate on me nonstop too, so I guess maybe we're destined to at least be friends for life. I do know one thing though...no one is going to stop me from traveling down this road WITH Bryan except me, so let it be known that all you haters can kiss my ass. (I actually don't think the haters read this, mostly because they can't read, but I'll put it on here anyway. Fuck it.)

And to the people that trust my judgment and accept this..thank you. It means the world to me.

Monday, June 26, 2006

TURN YOUR SPEAKERS UP, BITCHES

I love this song. I love it.

It has special meaning to me.

Turn em up, people!

Scenes From A Bar

Me and Lynn. Why do I look so damn serious???
Bryan and I having the first of MANY "I like you and you like me too, so what?" conversations
Lynn and Mike
When this picture was taken, Mike was probably talking to me and I was looking at him...and meanwhile, Bryan is talking. I don't remember if I was listening.
Bryan thought he would be cute at Lynn's house.
Lynn and Mike

These were taken about a month ago. It's me, Lynn, Mike, and Bryan. This was the night I kissed Bryan for the first time, but not until after this picture was taken...a couple hours after.

It was a good night, we had fun, all of us. I don't know who was sitting there snapping pictures of everyone when they were least expecting it...if I had to guess I would say Mike...but they're pretty funny. They kind of tell a story. By looking at these pics of me and Bryan, you would think he never shuts up. I do remember that was the first night we had the whole "I like you" conversation and that was what we were talking about when these pictures were taken.

I found these on my digital camera..I had forgotten they were there. So much has happened since then, all of it good. (Between us, anyway.) I miss hanging out with Lynn. She works too damn much. I never see her anymore :(




I Am Old

Here is a comment that I made in my cousin Andyro's journal today. I thought it was funny so I wanted to share it.


Oh, let me tell you how old I am...everyone knows I love Eminem, right? Well, the other day I was listening to the song "We as Americans" and I was singing along to the part where Eminem is talking about where he stashes his guns..right? So he says, and I sing along, "I got a secret if you can keep it between us, I tuck two neeners in my jeans on either side of my penis, one in my long johns, one in my short johns.." and the person I was with started busting out laughing hysterically. After I said "WHAT?" for fifteen minutes, it was explained to me that Eminem is NOT saying "short johns." He is saying "SEAN JOHN'S" as in the name brand.

Well, I had no idea..and I felt old and stupid. I never would have thought of "Sean John's." "Short johns" made just as much sense, even though I don't think such a thing exists.

Jesus, I am old.

Monday June 26, 2006 - 04:17pm (PDT)





****You can go ahead and laugh now. It's okay.****

Friday, June 23, 2006

Once Again

I find myself sitting here downloading the soundtrack to "Hustle and Flow" which was a really good movie. I am even tolerant of the music. Perhaps it's my 22 year old self coming back into my conscious mind. LOL.

I went through with what I said I was going to do in my last entry. It turned into a huge brouhaha. I am not kidding. I need to learn how not to approach things when I've been drinking. I haven't drank in quite some time, and that night we went to the bar and had a few. Although I was NOT stupid drunk by any means, my tongue had loosened up quite a bit. He found the letter I wrote him by accident because I asked him to dig through my purse for my lighter. He found the note and started begging me to let him read it. I told him to wait until we got back to the room. He didn't want to wait....he was giving me the puppy dog eyes and asking me if it was "bad" and the whole nine yards. I let him read it, and he got very upset. He kept saying it was "fucked up" and begging me to talk to him about it. I kept shaking my head and pointing to his drink and saying, "Just drink and have fun. We can talk about it tomorrow." We ended up talking about a little bit, and he said, "You can do what you want, but I will NEVER take your number out of my phone. Do you hear me? You can take mine out if you want to, but yours is NEVER coming out of mine. Why are you doing this?" and blah blah blah. Eventually he dropped it and went out on the dance floor with some friends and I kind of slouched down on the table with my head in my hands. I was feeling the alcohol and was pretty tired. Some big bouncer guy came out and told me to go outside, so I went and told Bryan I had to go outside. Since there was only about a half hour left before the bar closed anyway, I told him to just stay until his friends were ready to leave. I didn't really mind waiting in the car...time alone is a precious commodity to me these days.

I was only in the car for about ten minutes before he came outside and was ready to go. On the way there we argued a little bit about his use of the term "friends with benefits." At the bar he had said something about "friends with benefits" as if that were our label. I know what he meant, but at the time I got very offended. I don't sleep with my friends. I sleep with people I care about, and besides, people over the age of 25 don't generally use the term "friends with benefits" so that pissed me off too. I also think he said something like, "Who wanted to fuck first?" which also pissed me off....but then I have to remember that I am dealing with someone six and a half years younger than me. Sometimes he says things and I take them the wrong way because I simply don't understand what the fuck it is he's saying.

We got back to the room and proceeded to argue for a few hours over this. He is constantly telling me how much he cares about me and I know that he does..I KNOW so no one better even question it...but I am still very insecure and scared to death. He doesn't understand that part of it..he has never had a serious relationship, nor does he know what it's like to have someone love him. He doesn't understand my marriage ("Why don't you just tell him to get the fuck out? You're getting divorced anyway.") and by that I mean he thinks I shouldn't feel anything for Shawn at all. Well, that's too bad. Shawn is my husband and just because our marriage is over doesn't mean I want to hurt him in any way. Bryan knows this. He doesn't understand it..but he is aware of it.

So we argued and argued, and finally I decided I wanted to leave. He decided I wasn't going to. This is the funny part. See, as people who know me well know, NO ONE stops me from doing anything I want to do. In all my past relationships, when I wanted to leave, I left. Bryan decided I wasn't going anywhere. He blocked me from getting out the door, wouldn't let me use the phone, etc. I've never had anyone do that to me before. I cried and cried and cried and begged him to let me leave. He kept trying to hold me down, telling me I was too drunk to drive. (I wasn't too drunk to drive back to the hotel from the bar!) Then he made the biggest mistake EVER.

He called my mean, drunk sister. (He works with her.)

He got on the phone and called Kathy with me right next to him, crying, and told her I wanted to leave. Kathy asked why I was crying and I yelled, "Because he won't LET me leave!" Suddenly Bryan started crying and yelling into the phone, "She just wants to go home and FUCK HER HUSBAND!" So we start yelling and arguing again and he hung up on her...just like that.

Another no no.

We argued ourselves out and fell asleep. When we got up yesterday, Bryan checked his voice mail and there was a message from Kathy. It said, "Motherfucker, I don't know if you know who the FUCK you just hung up on, especially when it sounds like my sister is in trouble. If she wants to LEAVE let her fucking LEAVE. I swear if anything happens to her, motherfucker, you'll wish you had NEVER BEEN FUCKING BORN." (Click)

So then he had to mend that fence.

We spent the whole day at his house...his sister and her husband (who also works with Kathy) were having an anniversary party. It was a lot of fun. I spent a lot of time talking to his mom. I love his family, and they seem to like me, too. His mom is a little bit concerned with the age difference, only because she wonders if I have the patience it requires to let him grow up his own way. My response to that was, "I'm still here, aren't I?"

It's a wonderful thing. I have to admit I'm scared, but the only time, and I do mean the only time, we argue like that is when we've both been drinking, which thankfully isn't that often. Yesterday we were talking before I left and I brought up the "friends with benefits" thing. I told him if it was going to be like that, then I wasn't going to do it. That's not how I perceive this relationship and we at least need to be on the same page about that. He said, "No, it's not like that," and when I looked at him I knew he was telling the truth. He has never lied to me, not once, so I know he wouldn't start now. He knows how I feel and I'm sure he doesn't want that kind of trouble, so lying to me would serve no purpose. We have a wonderful friendship base..I spent the whole last two weeks with him and we hung out, went to Playland with Alexa, watched movies, cuddled and talked. I can sleep with him in the same bed without worrying about being mauled. We talk and talk and talk. Our childhoods were so different and we have such different experiences. He sees me as highly educated and well traveled because he hates school and has never been anywhere. He is so smart and I think I am good for him because NO ONE has ever taken the time to tell him what a good person he is. But he is. He has a heart of pure gold. I also like him because he is his own person....at 22, I wasn't my own person yet. He treats me well, sings loudly to music in the car with me, and when he touches me, I melt.

Oh, the early stages of love.

We have such a good connection and like I said, we are friends FIRST. He is probably the best friend I've had since Heather died in 2002. He can read me like a book...he knows when I'm happy, knows when something is wrong, etc. He'll ask, "You all right?" and I'll say, "Yeah, I'm fine." Then he'll ask, "Are you fibbing to me? You can't fib to me." He's right..I can't. And I don't want to. We've always been honest with each other.

So that is the story of what's going on. I don't know if I can walk away yet. I don't know if I should. Something keeps me there. I don't know what it is. But I am happy..happy...happy.

***When I asked him yesterday why he wouldn't let me leave, he once again said I was too drunk to drive. I pointed out that I drove us from the bar to the hotel just fine. He responded, "Yeah, but then you fell out of bed." I started laughing hysterically because I DID fall out of bed. Then he said, "Well so did I, so it's all good."***

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Goodbyes





I have to end this.

I am ending it tonight.

I hope God gives me the strength, because I am going to need it.

Every once in a while, you meet someone who comes into your life unexpectedly and makes it so wonderful and happy that you never seem to have your feet on the ground. Sometimes, however, reality sets in and crashes you back to the ground. This is what is happening to me. I cannot deal with this situation the way I have been. I care a lot about this guy, but the truth is, I feel as if he will never love me. Don't ask how or why I feel that way, and it's not for the reasons most people will think. I just don't think he is ever going to love me. He shows me his feelings...he cares...a lot...and he's affectionate and sweet and thoughtful and caring and downright fucking loyal to a fault...but I am afraid that in the end, it will not be enough.

I wrote him a letter which I will give to him tonight. We are going to the bar with some friends and I intend to have a great time. I am not going to give the letter to him until we get back to the room. He is going to be very upset...but I will end up being more upset if I try to convince myself that this man can love me when I know he can't. I have to watch out for myself first. The sad thing is, we were great friends first and even though we still are, there is no way I can continue to have any contact with him. I am going to be essentially losing the best friend I have had since the death of my friend Heather. All because of my stupid heart. I have no sense when it comes to matters of the heart..none.

Strength. I need strength.

***I added this song to my profile because it seems to fit. It's making me so sad, though.***

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Changes

So many things have changed since my last post. (I see I have another hater. Don't worry. I'm used to people being jealous of me. Thank you Andyro, for having my back. I KNEW I could count on you!)

I dont have the time or the space to sit here and write everything that's going on, but it's a lot. If you want to know what's going on, feel free to read my husband's journal at the link at the bottom of this page. It makes for interesting reading, all of it true.


http://blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-hyjYKxk7bqjEgUXnC0cICV0rIdaTLw--?cq=1

copy and paste this link if you want to know. (Inquiring minds DO want to know!)