BABY ON THE WAY!!

Anyone who reads my journal with any regularity knows that my nephew's girlfriend, Ashley, is about to have a baby any day.

Today, at her weekly doctor appointment, the doctor examined her and said that she was dilated to 2 centimeters. He then said that, according to the last ultrasound, which was last week, the baby weighed approximately 7 lbs, 6 oz at this time. We were like WOW!

The, he asked her if she would like to be induced tomorrow. She asked a few questions and agreed. I had to take her to the hospital tonight, though. They gave her Ambien to help her sleep and are giving her something to cause her cervix to thin out and prepare for further dilation. At 6 AM, they will give her the oxytocin.

Her due date is not until April 7th, but the doctor was concerned that by then, the baby might be too large for her to deliver vaginally. He also said that sometimes the oxytocin will not work, and in that case, we'll have to try again in four days. Ashley is ready.

We are all so excited. I dropped them off at the hospital, came home, ate some soup, and now I'm going to try and rest for a while. I have to be back at the hospital by 6 AM. I have never seen a baby being born, nor do I know what it's like when labor is induced. I hope everything goes well for her. It should. And did I mention that I am sooo excited?

So I'll be sure to post it when Isabella Rose makes her appearance. I can't wait!

Manny Boy Fuckballs

Every once in a while, you will meet someone who, for some reason or another, is destined to be in your life for the rest of your life, no matter what. NO MATTER HOW MUCH HE ANNOYS YOU.

This is my friend Chris. I met him when I was 17. We were both completely different people then...let's just say we enjoyed each other. (heh heh) Our lives took seperate paths for a while, but we always knew what the other was doing because of mutual friends we had. In 1997, we came back together when I realized he had a place to live and I needed a place. Before too long, I moved in. (Strictly platonically, of course.) We were really ghetto in that place..but we were happy. I remember we laughed a lot.

Then I got my own place (translation---I moved my trailer from one park to another) and it was nicer than Chris's, so he moved in with me. In the meantime I had gotten pregnant with the twins. Chris brought me dougnuts and milk in the mornings (he worked third shift) and I cooked for him once in a while. It was a very bizarre situation, one you could only find in the ghetto, because we acted just like a married couple..without the sex. I got mad at all the girls hanging around my door. I even threw a wine bottle at him once. We fought like cats and dogs, but stuck together.

Then he ended up moving to Kentucky and my heart was broken. I had lost both of my best friends at the same time. We didn't speak for years...due to a very GRAVE misunderstanding. I saw him once in 1999, after I moved to Kentucky, and he said hello, but that was about it. We didn't speak from 1999-2002, but after we reunited in 2002, it didn't take me long to see what changes he had made in his life. He was no longer ghetto boy, working at the supermarket. He had a great job, married a beautiful and intelligent girl, and had a beautiful baby boy. They lived in Florida, of course, which held its appeal to me. I was going through a lot of personal things, and decided, with Chris and his wife's urging, that I would move to Florida.

That move was the best thing that ever happened to me. What Chris doesn't know is that I credit him with helping me change my life forever. The person I was when I moved to Pensacola is not the same person I am now, by any means. And I give him credit for that because he provided me with an example...himself. And Chris is smart as hell..I knew that if he could do it, there was no way I could fail. And I didn't.

Now I am back in Michigan. Chris is in Kentucky. We talk a lot, and we argue. We are both Type A personalities, him more so than me I think (although that is debatable), and sometimes we bump heads. Like tonight, for instance. I sent him an IM a few days ago, that said, "I own you. You failed to send me your weekly report. Do not fail to send me your report again or you will face DIRE consequences. NEVER anger your owner." He sent me back an IM saying, "What are you talking about?" Ricky happened to be sitting at the computer and I had left my messenger on, so he typed in, "Whatever manny boy, I own you..own own own." For some reason, this pissed Chris right off and he retaliated by cussing ME out. I turned snobby bitch on him. Here is a transcript of that conversation:

Show Recent Messages (F3)

ira6cal: STOP CALLING ME FOREVER!!
moonstargoddess: go fuck yourself, MANNY BOI
ira6cal: DONT CALL ME EVER AGAIN!! I mean it
moonstargoddess: Why? Does "Manny boi" strike a chord with you?
moonstargoddess: Or was it the TPS reports?
ira6cal: Hold on a sec
ira6cal has signed back in. (3/27/2006 11:43 PM)

moonstargoddess: I didnt attack you on a personal level, so it was not necessary for you to call me a "hoe" or "Flint trash" or whatever the fuck you said
moonstargoddess: Because the last thing anyone would ever call ME is a hoe, and I am so far from being Flint trash, believe it or not
ira6cal: It did not bother me. I just did not get what you wrote the other day before when you said somthing ..I dont remeber now. Then you said somthing abou sense of humour
ira6cal: LTE ME FINISH
ira6cal: so..
ira6cal: then
moonstargoddess: You dont make any sense and you cant take a joke at your own expense, period
ira6cal: I saw you type manny boy which I also did not get and when I tried to get you to explain it you kept acting like a FUCK so I fought back in good spirit
ira6cal: that is all
moonstargoddess: And...like I said...it wasnt ME...it was Ricky..and you attacked ME, and it always amazes me how off the mark you are about me..you think you know me but you really dont
ira6cal: SO FUCK OFF and tell E-Z TRAY L-R that I herd his gay message.
ira6cal: lol
ira6cal: FUCK YOU!! YOU FUCKING KNOW I DONT THINK YOU ARE A DUMB LOW IQ HAVING FLINT HOE!!! or a swaet hog or what ever I said but I am not a STP REPORT FUCK EITHER>>> I was just fucking with you like you fucked with me and how am supposed to know its ricky being a fuck
ira60cal: SO KISS MY ASS I WAS HAVIING MORE FUN BEING MAD GOD DAMN IT!! NOW I LIKE YOU AGAIN BITCH
ira6cal: lol
moonstargoddess: I know you did not just call me a low iq having dumb hoe
moonstargoddess: I KNOW thats not what I just read
ira6cal: Scroll up fuck face
ira6cal: I said I really did not think you were that ............YOU FUCK
ira6cal: STOP TAKING EVERTHING YTO HEART>>MISS GUILTY
ira6cal: call 1800-WAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
ira6cal: I was reading your blogs to see if you ever mention Stromie.....Your supposed BRO>> but OHHHHHHHHHH NO!!! I am no where in your nightly THoughts
ira6cal: lol
ira6cal: I thought I had no life
moonstargoddess: See? You dont know me at all..Im not a cry baby..I never fucking cry...you can take that shit and shove it up your ass..I am not a whiner
ira6cal: FUCK YOU WHat do you call what you were just doing and I quote... "DONT EVER CALL ME AGAIN"wha wah wha!! I mean it wha wha
ira6cal: CRYING
ira6cal: lol
ira6cal: If I am MANNY BOI YOU are the WHA WHA GIRL
ira6cal: LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
moonstargoddess: Why would I cry about that? My life is complete with out you...actually, I just erase people from my life that try to make me feel bad about myself..that is something you must not be able to understand, due to YOUR lack of education, since we're slinging mud here
ira6cal: I happen to have a very good education from Flint northern and a very reputal 12.5 credit Hours I will have you know..(lol) However, I with my gift of gab and staggering swagger not to mention Great looks Manged to suck alot of big corperate DICK TO GET TO WHERE MOST PEOPLE NEED A MASTERS IN MARKETING AND MOST WHO KNOW THAT SHIT THERE PANTS SO FUCK OFF YOU MOTHER FUCKING BLEEPTY BLEEP>>>>>>>>>>>Just kidding
moonstargoddess: Well, yeah, I never said you werent smart because you are
ira6cal: But now that I know where I really stand with you in your line of friends,, and since you are nieve enought to think I would ever try to REALLY make you feel bad then kiss my fucking ass because then you really dont knoe me and this is getting WAY TO SERIOUS FOR ME so I am going to go now because I am ..WAS in a funny good mood
moonstargoddess: Okay, goodnight
ira6cal: Had a good day........... SO like I said ..GOOD DAY
moonstargoddess: Okay, good night or day
ira6cal: MANNY BOI ( I STILL DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS) Out!
moonstargoddess: Okay, night
ira6cal: oh yeah if you get bored and are up as late as I will be if you call on my cell again I will answer ..other wise see ya..AND FUCK YOU FOR NOT WRITING ABOUT ME IN YOUR BLOG ASS HOLE
moonstargoddess: LOL
moonstargoddess: What do you want me to say?
ira6cal: yeah..
ira6cal: WELL FUCK!! GEE LTES SEE
moonstargoddess: "My friend Chris is an egomaniac and whatever you do, do NOT call him MANNY BOI"
moonstargoddess: lol
ira6cal: if I have to tell you to write somthing
ira6cal: then it takes the "niceness out of it"
moonstargoddess: I kinda thought you would get an honorable mention once I got this website built
ira6cal: I just know where I rank in your line of "pals" Now
ira6cal: But its ok



So you see the guilt trip I am getting. Because he wasn't mentioned in my journal, for Christ's sake, nagging me like a wife. So I found the original piece of paper that he wrote his phone number on when I first met him, back when he was in Job Corps, and scanned it to him and sent it to him. Needless to say, he was shocked that I still had it.

ira6cal: lol............roflmfao!!!!!!!!!WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU GET THAT!!!! HOW DID YOU GET THAT AND DONT SHO IT TO ANYONE,..
ira6cal: do you have the whole letter nad who was it to/
ira6cal: lolllllllllllllllllll
moonstargoddess: I wont, dont worry..no, it wasnt a letter..when I asked you for your address, right before you went back to Job Corp, thats what you gave me and I HAVE KEPT IT ALL THESE YEARS
ira6cal: still not as good as me and heather fucking on tape but close
ira6cal: well i guess you do you love me
moonstarzgoddess: LOL, of course I do, but back then, I just wanted to fuck you
moonstarzgoddess: Every day
ira6cal: LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
moonstarzgoddess: LMAO
ira6cal: ROFLMFAO
ira6cal: REALLY I AM LAUGING THE FUCK OUT LOUD
moonstargoddess: LOL
moonstargoddess: You know that eighties song, "If you Leave?"
moonstargoddess: Its at the end of Breakfast Club, I think
ira6cal: no
ira6cal: oh mabe then
moonstargoddess: Ah, well, never mind
ira6cal: why
moonstargoddess: Ill tell ya later
moonstargoddess: lol
ira6cal: just tell me fucker
ira6cal: you cant do that then not say it]
ira6cal: thats just mean
ira6cal: well.
moonstargoddess: Me and Lynn were driving somewhere just a few days before you were supposed to go back and we were trying to plot ways to keep you here, and that song came on the radio and we cracked up and said how it was meant to be that you should stay..but you went anyway, and i went to jail...so it didnt really matter...lol
ira6cal: come on
ira6cal: AKRUEIRROLLMAAOLOLK!
ira6cal: LOL
ira6cal: LOLOLOOllololololololololkrolflkajklaaooooollo
ira6cal: i am dyioing
ira6cal: MEMORIES
moonstargoddess: Sondra, 1995: "Chris, please dont leeeeeeeeeeave or I'm gonna sing eighties songs all dayyyyyyyyy and Ill miss your COCK cuz who else is gonna FUCK MEEEEEEEEEE AND THEN SING 'UNFORGETTABLE' IN MY EAR JIM CAREY STYLE?!"
moonstargoddess: Lynn, 1995: "It was all meant to be."
ira6cal: i THOUGTH UNFORGETABLE WAWS IN THE CAR ON THE WAY TO aZ
moonstargoddess: Mike, 1995: "Pass me that joint, bro."
moonstargoddess: No, that was in the back of Lynn's car
ira6cal: Lolllllllllll
ira6cal: OH YEAH
ira6cal: NOW i REMENBWER
moonstargoddess: We were going somewhere but I dont know where and you just busted out with it
moonstargoddess: I loved the attention
moonstargoddess: Plus, it was funny
ira6cal: THEN i DID IT AGAIN ON THE WAY TO AZ MAKINFG FUN OF YA
ira6cal: LOL;
ira6cal: THOSE WERE THE DAYS
ira6cal: i WAS A WHORE
ira6cal: sORRY i WAS such a dick then
moonstargoddess: I dont want to talk about it anymore because every time I do I remember LUSTING after you and now it makes me feel weird
moonstargoddess: You werent a dick to me
moonstargoddess: I never thought you were, even if you were
moonstargoddess: lol
ira6cal: I was a dick to all females then
moonstargoddess: I think we had an UNDERSTANDING
ira6cal: really if get right down to it
ira6cal: yeah I guess
ira6cal: I still was a hoe
ira6cal: lol
moonstargoddess: So was I
moonstargoddess: LOL
moonstargoddess: "Oh Chris, I just met you and youre so funny in your little hat..lets fuck"
ira6cal: we did have so good stuff on donnas couch though..wasz pry the best of all the times.LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
moonstargoddess: lol
ira6cal: you think so too
moonstargoddess: yeah me and Lynn made SPAGHETTI FOR YOU GUYS..do you remember?
moonstargoddess: What a couple of dumb bitches we were
ira6cal: ROFLMFAOOOOOO
ira6cal: MIKE MADE COME TO THAT SHIT
ira6cal: said he kick my ass
moonstargoddess: He made you come?
ira6cal: Told me .. that he peomised you would not fall in lover me so I thougth hmmmmmmmmm... sketi and pussy??? OK!!
ira6cal: well at the time i was scard you would get pyco on me
moonstargoddess: It was a legitimate concern
moonstargoddess: LOL
ira6cal: Hey, At least I was honest
ira6cal: ya know ....
moonstargoddess: I would have probably started acting psycho if we had been around each other any longer
ira6cal: now that I think about it you were not half bad in the scak back then
moonstargoddess: Im even better now that Im older but now I dont like sex so it doesnt matter
ira6cal: did we fuck on sketi night??? The time I remember was on donnas couch during the day... I think it was wwhen i first got back and then I went back to job corp for only like oa minth but when i got back for good we did not really mess around any more but ... except the time wehn I was drunk and begging that you remined me of


As you can see, we have a big history. A long history. But even with his annoying attributes, he has been a faithfully loyal friend. I could not have asked for a better buddy. Who would have known that when we met in 1994 that we would be what we are today?

So Chris, here's your tribute. I love you to death. Now shut the fuck up. And good NIGHT.

The Most Loneliest Day of My Life...(and other random thoughts)

In case you can't tell, I changed the song on here. Bob Seger got a little old. Now you're listening to System of a Down's "Lonely Day". I love this song. I just love the melody and it's not very often that this guy sings so beautifully and mellowly. Usually, he is screaming and yelling really fast. This is such a beautiful song, I love the words. It has nothing to do with my life, nor does it remind me of anything in particular, but I love the haunting lyrics and melody. I hope everyone enjoys it as much as I have. I swear I can listen to it over and over again.

Don't I look like some kind of schoolteacher in this picture? It was taken sometime last year, after I hocked off most of my beautiful, long, wild, curly hair. It was still long, though. I like this picture of me. You can see my three eyebrow rings on one side. What you don't see is my other four eyebrow rings on the other eyebrow. My hair is covering them up.

I got my final grades in for the semester today. I got all A's again. One was an A-, which brought my GPA down to 3.97. I was so BUMMED! I had a perfect 4.0 and now it's all messed up. Oh well, it's not the end of the world. I'll fix it next semester.

I've been sitting here thinking of getting in the tub and turning the jets on to soothe my aching muscles, but I'm afraid to turn them on. So I guess I don't get to. I'll wait until this weekend to use them so that Shawn can turn them on for me. I can't explain my fear, other than I feel that something might not be grounded properly and I might get electrocuted, even though I have used them before without a problem. (I jumped out of the tub while Shawn turned them off and on to prove to me that everything was working okay.) I have an unexplainable fear of electrical appliances. Either I'm obsessive compulsive or it's a past life thing. Or I'm nuts.

I get to take Ashley to get an ultrasound tomorrow. I can't wait. My great niece better think real hard about being born, because we're all ready. Right now she's being stubborn. Kind of like the rest of the family.

I have nothing else to say. Tomorrow I bowl, so I am actually looking forward to it. Hopefully there won't be any more lesbian drama. Last week Lee and I got into an argument that ended up with two other girls getting in between us. But it was a normal Sondra and Lee interaction. We say "fuck you" and "shut the fuck up" and "mind your own business" a couple of times, and all is well. No love is ever lost between us. I love Lee, she is a great friend a good person. We just get on each other's nerves sometimes. I remember back in the day when we used to brawl. She's kicked my ass a couple of times. I deserved it each time, trust me. Now I just talk shit to her. It's fun.

I'm going to bed. I'm in the middle of reading a book called Perversion of Justice and it's about the King brothers who were convicted of murder in Pensacola, right after I moved there, in 2002. I'll not comment until I read the whole thing through, but right now I'm pretty pissed off.

NIGHT!

Fucking Silly Fucks

This is kind of a blurry and bad quality picture of me taken in 2004, probably in the summer. WHAT happened to my hair? I look like I stepped out of the 80's. It was long and curly and wild at that time, but this picture makes me look as if I have a lion's mane or something. Anyway, I chose it because at the point that this picture was taken, I had lost a good amount of weight and you can see it in my face. I didn't mind smiling in my pics then.

Today was a bad day. I feel like shit. I want to yell at everyone. Actually, I want everyone to leave my house and leave me alone. I feel like I don't spend enough time on "me." Is that selfish? I feel selfish writing this. But I would like to spend one day worrying about no one else but me. Oh well.

I felt like shit all day, but now that I feel a little better, I'm trapped in here because its almost midnight and the only thing I can do is work on the computer. I hope I'm not getting what I call "night owl syndrome" like I seem to do between each semester. Where I stay up until 3 or 4 am and sleep until noon. No, thanks. I would rather be up early, like Ashley is every morning, and walk and be in a good mood. She's usually in a good mood, and she is about to have a big ass baby any day. So I guess I need to tighten up.

I broke the mouse on the computer today. I had a little fit over something and smacked it down on the desk so hard that a little piece of plastic broke inside it. Then I yelled for twenty minutes while Shawn tried to find our old mouse to replace it with. (This is why I never throw anything away.) He found it and fixed it, so now I have to use a shitty mouse. And I'm also mad because I am flat broke, but that is my own fault. I didn't balance my checkbook properly and bounced a check. I fixed it using Shawn's savings, which broke us both. I hate not having any money. It makes me feel like I'm in prison. I should get a job, but I don't want that added stress. I think it would completely break me. People think I am really strong, but I am on the verge of breaking almost every day. Added responsibility would make it worse. It's not that I am lazy. It's just that if I had ONE MORE THING to do that I COULD NOT avoid, I would probably throw myself in the lake and stay there. Well, not really, but you get the picture.

This weekend I added a new, but hilarious word, to my vocabulary. I heard it on a movie. The word is FUR BURGER. As in crotch, snatch, etc. I said this word to my drunk and gay friend, Jamie, on Friday while we were bowling and she turned right around and said it to someone else, who gasped as if she were going to have a heart attack. The last thing she expected was for Jamie to call her a "fur burger." That was so funny I almost peed my pants. I am going to go around and say it to people just to watch their reactions. It IS kind of vulgar. AND gross. And SO TOTALLY up my alley.

Weekends

I am growing to hate weekends now. I have nothing to do. I find myself itching and scratching and foaming at the mouth to get out of the house. Right now, I'm as broke as can be so actually doing anything that costs money is out of the question. My husband, who, when I was going out with my friends and actually enjoying my life, wanted to spend every waking minute with me and was coming up with all kinds of ideas for things to do. Would you believe that now that I have nothing to do, he is perfectly content to LAY in bed ALL DAY watching TV and sleeping his life away? Unbelievable.

I am so bored and feel so very stagnant. Nothing is happening here. There is nothing to do. I am tired of looking at the same motherfuckers day in and day out. I want to get the fuck out. If I could, I would. Not having anyone to talk to about it is even worse. I don't know what the fuck is going on with Lynn lately, nor do I have the energy to care. I have no time for people who can't be there for me. I really don't have any other friends that I trust or want to hang out with so I spend the majority of my time reading or playing Magicball on the computer. I have work to do, and that's my goal this week...to finish all my work. Then what? Then I sit here and stagnate some more. Shawn thinks I am kidding when I tell him I am going to end up in the loony bin if all I can do with my life is sit here and stare at these walls. I'm too young to feel this fucking old.

I'm very flighty, by nature, and I can't stand sitting in one place for long. I really feel like taking a road trip. A long one. If I had the means and the time, I would go someplace far, like Vegas, and gamble all my money away. Or I'd head to the desert, park right outside of Tucumcari, and take it all in like I did when I was 19. I need some "me" time desperately. I have a lot of things I am trying to work through and need to be alone, but I am never alone. I don't want to work right now, and I can't commit myself to anything else due to other people who are living in my house that depend on me. But just once, I would like to take off and let everyone worry themselves sick about where I am and what I'm doing. The thing is, I don't think anyone would really care all that much. People don't worry about me at all, and I guess that's because I am so fiercely independent that they don't dare. That's fine, I guess.

I despise the TV. I only watch Nick at Nite. I can't stand all these modern sitcoms that have skinny girls showing off their belly buttons. They're so superficial. I also hate movies, except for the fact that I just watched The Wedding Crashers and now I have a big ass crush on Vince Vaughn. (Goddamn, he's yummy. Height really turns me on. He's 6'5".) The only thing I have left is writing. So here I am. Rambling on endlessly all in the name of entertainment. I guess I'll end this now. I have nothing substantial to say. I wish I had a story to tell, but since I am just sitting here rotting my life away, I have nothing left to say.

Andyro

This is my cousin Andyro. I have never seen this vixen side of her, for obvious reasons, but I just want to say that I think she is one of the most beautiful people on the planet, inside and out. She is so, so pretty but her soul and spirit is beautiful is well. Andy, I hope you don't get mad at me for hocking this off of your blog, but I wanted to share you with my readers too. (I can't link your blog to mine. I wish I could.) Andy is my best friend...I tell her EVERYTHING. There is nothing I don't share with her. I love you girl. You are my hero...seriously.

MAD at my EX

This here is a picture of me and Leah, taken sometime in March of 1996.

I'm not going to get into the Leah story, people. I had a girlfriend for four years. (1995-1999). Most of my friends refer to her as my first husband. This is her. Period.

Without getting into the ins and outs of our relationship, I just want to say that our breakup was an amicable one. Not at first. There was a lot of animosity and hurt feelings, but when we both realized that the relationship has simply run its course, we became very close. We were actually the best of friends. Leah was fiercely devoted to me and to my daughter. For a very long time after the breakup, Leah and Alexa still spent time together. Alexa would spend the night at her house, etc. Since Leah lives across the state, we would always meet halfway. She loved Alexa as if Alexa were her own child. She always did. Alexa was barely two when Leah and I moved in together, and was almost six when we broke up. Up until I married Shawn, Leah was the only parent Alexa ever knew besides me.

Shortly after we broke up for good, I moved to Kentucky and Leah developed a relationship with someone else. I'm going to call her Jenny. Jenny had children from a previous marriage and Leah and I had several conversations about that. I was worried that Leah would disengage herself from Alexa because of her closeness to Jenny and her children. Leah assured me that her relationship with those kids was different than the one she had with Alexa, and she was right. Over time, I met Jenny and liked her immediately. Her kids were very close in age to Alexa, and Alexa spent several overnights in their house, getting to know the kids and Jenny. Everyone got along great. Leah didn't really like me talking to Jenny (she is a very jealous person) but I would anyway. She didn't have to worry about me liking Jenny. I was all stuck up the PWF's ass.

Leah and Jenny continued to spend time with Alexa up until we moved to Florida, and then the contact completely stopped. I didn't pursue it either, because I was so wrapped up in my own life. It wasn't until this year, when someone pointed out to me that Alexa was very much like Leah, that I began wondering why Leah didn't want to see Alexa anymore. She always referred to Alexa as "her kid." So, after several months of wondering how to approach it, I finally caught her online and asked her if she still wanted to see Alexa. Her response was that she ALWAYS wanted to see Alexa, but that she was afraid of having Alexa taken out of her life permanently when I moved to Florida. I told her that was silly; she was Alexa's other half; why the hell wouldn't I make sure she got to see her? I then said that all was not lost and that since I was back in Michigan, this time at least until Alexa graduates, why doesn't she see her now? She said she would think about it and get back to me.

Leah is a very reliable person, so I agreed to let her have her time and think about it. She and Jenny are still together, almost seven years now. I know that Jenny has absolutely no issues with Alexa being around..we've talked about it. Jenny is more easygoing and laid back, like me, whereas Leah can be a little uptight. So I left it alone and decided that when Leah was ready to talk to me about it, she would.

I am still waiting.

About two weeks ago, I wrote her an email about it and asked her to please let me know. Alexa deserves to have both of her original parents in her life. She hasn't forgotten Leah, not by a long shot, even though it's been nearly four years since they've seen each other. She has not written me back and I feel she is avoiding the issue. I am not going to push her, because Leah has her reasons. I am disappointed, though, very much so, because whatever her reasons are, they are not good enough. Alexa loves her, and I KNOW Leah loves her. Doesn't it seem silly to go through this all over a stupid matter of protocol? I don't get it. Maybe Leah thinks that too much time has gone by so that now there is no point in pursuing a relationship with Alexa. I honestly don't know what she's thinking. I used to be able to read her mind with no problem. Now I can only guess.

I have never had anything bad to say about her, and I still don't. Leah is a very dynamic person and those who knew her would agree. A little controlling, a little jealous, maybe, but loyal and very driven. Alexa has somehow adopted her exact sense of smart ass humor and her taste for jeans and tee shirts. Her voice is similar to Leah's. They have so much in common. I just wish they could both see it. Seems like such a shame to be missing out on so much.

P.S. I look so cute in this picture. I wish my hair was still that color. That's my natural hair color. Now, it's mousy brown with LOTS of gray. Matter of fact, I need to dye it again soon. Jesus, I'm getting old. When this picture was taken I wasn't even 19 yet. (SIGH)

Issues

I am not having a good day. To begin with, I am extremely hormonal and aggressive, due to being back on Synthroid. Second of all, I have nothing to do. I kind of counted on hanging out with Lynn today, but when I called her yesterday she asked me if I wanted to hang out with James and Shawn, too. I said FUCK NO. We haven't been out on our own without James, Shawn, or Mike in forever. I kind of need her right now, because I am going through a lot, and I am NOT sharing with her fucking husband. It's bad enough I have to share it with mine. He doesn't understand it. Why should James be any different? So today goes by and no phone call. I am kind of pissed off, because I am the type of person that is there for my friends when they need me, no matter what. I have demonstrated this to her several times, or at least I thought I did. I guess I didn't, because now that I need someone, I don't have anyone. Yeah, I'm pissed off, thinking that I am not going to invest so much anymore. Not worth it, if this is how I'm going to spend my weekend.

Here's a phrase that REALLY gets on my nerves. Lots of people use it. Matter of fact, I blew up on my friend Chris when he said it yesterday and that's how I got to thinking about it. This is the phrase of all phrases. I HATE IT. Here's a scenario:

You're sitting on the phone, chatting with a friend who lives far away, and you're having a good conversation. All of a sudden, your friend says, "Hey man, I gotta go. I'm supposed to be SPENDING TIME with my husband/wife."

That absolutely makes my BLOOD BOIL. SPENDING TIME sounds too much like SERVING TIME to me. What the fuck is with all of these codependent motherfuckers that wanna cling to their spouse's apron strings as if their whole purpose of living and breathing on this planet is to SPEND TIME? Don't people spend enough TIME with each other or is it some kind of fucking marriage requirement that one spouse must ALWAYS have their head stuck up the other's ass? God, I hate it. SPENDING TIME is the worst thing you can say to me. I have enough to do. I shouldn't have to worry that I'm not licking enough ass.

There are exceptions to the rule, of course. Spouses in the military, spouses who work out of town, and even spouses like Mark, who is my cousin Andyro's husband, who works so much that he is rarely home and SPENDING TIME together is a treat for both of them. THAT is normal. Seeing your spouse every day but still feeling the need to shove your nose in their ass as far as it will go and sniffing until you inhale your nose hairs is NOT. Get a grip, people, and be independent. Love is not supposed to be like that. At least not for most people. You HAVE to have your own life.

So, for the LOVE of GOD, shut the fuck UP about SPENDING TIME. If I hear that phrase ONE MORE TIME from some codependent motherfucker, I swear to God I'll open fire on the public.

*Shawn, this was not intended for you. You've been good lately.

An End Note

I just came back from what can only be described as an experience of unimaginable horror.

It is so scary, I can hardly re tell it, but I feel I have to, for all of those who share my pain.

I just got back from a place I call "Fake City", where everyone acts as fake as possible in order to rush the event along.

My nephew Ricky decided to reserve a big room in the restaurant he works at and invite the family to come and witness him propose to his pregnant and about to give birth any day girlfriend, Ashley.

Ashley hates Ricky's mom, my mean, drunk sister that I have written about in previous posts. I hate her, too. Ricky is the only one of her four sons that speak to her. For this particular little night out to hell, my sister decides to invite her "roommate" James, who has his kids for the weekend. He also has no job, no car, no money, and no ambition. So, anyway....

Shawn and I arrive a little after nine and find Kathy (my mean drunk sister) and James sitting at the bar. We are shown into the room that Ricky and Ashley are supposed to be in, and sitting at the table with them, in the seats that we are supposed to sit in, are James' three kids, all under the age of ten. Ricky and Ashley are supervising them to make sure they eat all their dinner and not spill anything. I am incensed immediately but say nothing. My mean, drunk sister approaches me and asks me what my fucking problem is and then asks me if I need her to punch me. (I must have looked pissed off.) I ignore her and take my seat. She runs back off to her whisky, or beer, or whatever.

Shawn and I order dinner and eat. While we are eating, Ricky comes over and is kind of pissed off that he and Ashley got stuck watching James' kids while James and Kathy sit at the bar and drink. I agree that it is bullshit. Later on, when Ricky presents Ashley with the ring, Kathy squeals and yells some incoherent shit about, "Ashley's my baby," or some other such white trash shit. Meanwhile, Ashley is thanking everyone and smiling beautifully, but I can tell she's thinking, "JUST GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE." She is being as fake to my sister as my sister is being to her, but Kathy doesn't get it.

Ricky presents Ashley with a beautiful gourmet raspberry cake (pink, of course, her favorite color), and we all take a slice. (Shawn and I are on the other end of the room because James' kids continue to sit at the table with Ricky and Ashley for the duration of the night. This is due to the fact that James and Kathy are only taking short three minute breaks from pouring grain alcohol down their throats to run back into the room that is supposed to be reserved for a family dinner to make their little appearances. They are pretending to responsible adults.) Kathy comes into the room for one of her little appearances and hears Ricky and I talk about blowing people back with the airhorn. We're laughing, and then suddenly Kathy screams, "YEAH! WHY DON'T YOU FUCK WITH ME ONE MORE TIME!" and storms out of the room.

Everyone is flabbergasted. No one was speaking to her. She had nothing to do with the conversation. She is prone to these Tourette's like outbursts when drunk, and usually we just ignore them. (It is while having these sudden bursts of meanness that she calls me at 3 AM to tell me what a piece of shit I am.)

I grab my coat and declare that it is time for me and Shawn to leave. Ricky and Ashley are coming with us so they get ready, too. James comes in the room and asks Ricky about the bill. They talk for a minute and James leaves. Ricky looks pissed off, so I ask him what is up. He then proceeds to tell me that before they even came to the restaurant, he gave James $20 to feed his kids so he wouldn't look like an asshole in front of them. (James, as I said before, has no money and no job. He is perfectly capable of working, but doesn't.) James took the money without hesitation. Now he is telling Ricky he doesn't know what to do about the kid's bill. He has spent the $20 Ricky gave him on alcohol for him and Kathy. Ricky picks up the bill, and Kathy and James drive home, both of them drunk, with three small children in the car. I shudder to think about what those kids are exposed to daily.

That was the special night Ricky had planned. He ended up watching James' kids so him and Kathy could suck down alcohol faster than the speed of light on money that doesn't belong to them. So that is what I call Fake City. I hate being around my sister. She is truly the most negative, most fucked up person I know. I don't care if she IS an addict; there is no reason to treat people the way she does. But when I'm around her, I have to act nice because if I don't, she may fly into a rage and have a temper tantrum, which is like being caught in a whirling vortex of hate. Sometimes, I don't have to do anything to incite her rage; she will just blow up on me randomly, if she feels like it. Like my cousin Andyro says, "She's a walking train wreck."

I hope the rest of my weekend is better than this.

Life Is a Gift From God...What You Do With Your Life Is a Gift To God

I love that line. Isn't it great? Read it in a book that I'm reading right now called "Soul of a Black Cop". It's a bunch of stories from a black cop here in Flint. So far, it's not very uplifting. Pretty depressing, actually. Makes me happy to know that I'll be serving this community in the not so distant future.

Okay, here's a list I made up. It's kind of entertaining.

THINGS THAT ANNOY ME (Part 2)

Whiny people

People who ask me questions they already know the answers to

The sound of the phone ringing

Nitpicky detail people

When ordering my chili, I ask for it before the meal. And then it comes out WITH the meal.

People that say "the roads are bad."

The phrase "needless to say". (Although I do use it.)

Fake people

People who are fake for the benefit of others and create false impressions

Being cold

Going through the drive thru. I HATE ordering food

Ordering pizza...I HATE talking to those people

Finding out that my chicken is not fully cooked and is pink inside

Radio stations in the morning. All that laughter. It's so fake and unnecessary. What the FUCK are you assclowns laughing ABOUT?

People who don't like to tip their servers/bartenders, etc

Horror movies

Sci Fi movies

TV

People that don't LISTEN

Bigots, racists, and narrow minded assholes

Anything by Avril Levigne

Dirt on the lenses of my glasses (when I wear them)

Having nothing to wear

People who think they know me

People who expect me to do their jobs for them

Waiting..and waiting...and waiting..and waiting...I have no patience